Dumped by first love

[Veni Vidi Vici]

I wanted to start off by saying that the relationship lasted 8 months and was absolutely the best time of my life. I didn't see this coming at all, we rarely had fights, we're always comfortable, and spent a lot of time with each other. We even took a trip to Dominican together along with friends in the summer. This was my first serious relationship and I learned a lot. I wish I had known everything before so I could have made a better effort. I let my wall down so hard for this girl and went head over heels. I feel like I started becoming needy, insecure, not confident because I guess I was so scared to lose her, even though she always assured me I had nothing to worry about. I took her for granted in a way because I always thought she would stick around to work things out. She told me she was confused one day and instead of giving her space I made all the rookie mistakes in the book, called and texted her telling her how much I loved her and how much we been through. A week later she came over and ended things with me saying she didn't feel the same. Her explanation was that the timing wasn't right, I needed too much time and attention that she couldn't give me right now. At the time I just didn't see how someone who told me she loved me and wanted to get married and etc etc would walk away from me like that. This Tuesday it will be exactly 4 weeks since the breakup and even though I still miss her and think about her, I feel like I have made significant progress. I have always broken NC due to my inexperience and lack of self control but its been 1 week of nc. I was wondering if I should ask for some legit closure now that I see things differently ? Or should I not even bother. At the end of the day this girl knows how much I love her, how much I care for her and I feel like everything had been said. She's absolutely amazing and very honest, I have no reason not to believe what she said. She said there wasn't anyone else, it's just the timing. she said she obviously missed the times and it wasn't easy for her but has been keeping busy with work. This all happened around exams time and I feel like all the stress from work and school and a needy bf just did it for her. she said she wishes she had met me later on in her life because she's not ready to give all the time and attention for something so serious. Any thought? Anyone been through the same thing?

[na49]

First of all I want to say I'm sorry you were dumped by your first love. I am dealing with a similar situation. This girl was "the one", we always talked about our plans to get married or move in together after college, she loved me, I loved her, I treated her great, she treated me well enough. Why would that ever have to end? We were great together!

 

Well... things change. She ended up cheating on me and really disrespecting me to her friends. Leaving me heartbroken on this forum. (which has helped a lot) I wouldn't believe everything that comes out of your ex's mouth, because not all of it is true. She can't give you all the attention? What does that even mean? I feel like there's other reasons, but she's letting you down easy. You're probably a nice guy and she doesn't want to completely insult you.

 

I don't really think you get closure from the other person. You get it for yourself. You'll ask for "closure", it won't be YOUR definition of "closure", so you'll ask again. She'll give you an answer, it'll hurt you so much it won't be good enough so you'll never go anywhere with moving on. Stay strong, NC will get a little easier every day. If she dumped you because she thought you were needy, then prove her wrong. SHOW her you're not needy. SHOW her you don't need her, and don't pester her for attention again. ever.

[NoMoreJerks]

Hi OP, you described pretty much what I went through. I admit I was also very needy and clingy. I was head over heels in love with him, but I don't think he reciprocated my feelings, at least not to the same extent (or at least he never got the courage to express them - he's a very introverted guy who does not like to talk about his feelings). I had the best time of my life with him. We had our ups and downs, we had several fall-outs in the 6 months that we were together, but we got through them after a day or two of arguments or NC. We broke up a few months ago, but got back together a week later, after he called me up. He dumped me 2 days ago , though, and I think this time it's final. He was in Turkey for a job, a job that was really stressful becausei t was a massive job and there was a looming deadline (the project managers had messed up in their estimates of how much time it would take to fix some issues, and then sent him to Turkey to fix those issues last-minute). He was severely stressed and depressed and lonely while there, and kept calling me every day (which was unusual for him). I liked that, and we talked for hours, and I wanted to make him feel better. He had told me he wanted to come visit me over Christmas, after he finished the job, because he really needed down time and wanted to spend time with me. But he didn't book the ticket until last minute and prices skyrocketed, and I got upset when he said he couldn't come. I don't know if he had really meant to come to begin with, or was just saying it because he was depressed and lonely, but I kinda stressed him out even more by giving him the silent treatment because I was so upset. I felt like it was better than saying anything else to him, because I knew I would have an outburst if we talked. He got upset that I treated him that way, while he was so stressed. He was so burnt out, I think, and I didn't realize that what I did would be the final straw for him as a result. When he got back home after finishing the job, he dumped me. I don't know if things would've been different and would've worked out and developed into a long-term relationship if that hadn't happened. But they would've lasted a bit longer, I guess. I know the feeling of being heart-broken. He was my first love, the guy I lost my virginity to, and I really thought he was the one. I still love him, and will always love him. Hang in there. Do not contact her. She gave you closure by explaining why she dumped you. Just spend some time on your own to process all this, figure out whether it was something that you did wrong, or if her expectations were too high and she was being emotionally manipulative / controlling . Sometimes I think that it was my fault, and other times I realize that I was being made to walk on eggshells. I don't know which is right, or if it was a combination of both. Maybe we were incompatible, and I was too much hassle for his busy life (traveling for work all the time, etc.). I don't know. We will never know for sure, I guess. But we have no choice but to move on, really. Try to let go. If it's meant to work out, if she has feelings for you, I doubt they will die down in a month or two of being apart. She might contact you and want to get back with you, if she sees that you have changed yourself. Or she might not. I don't want to give you false hope. You shouldn't give yourself false hope, only for those hopes to be dashed again, yeah? Just try to work on yourself/ your issues, if you have any. Busy yourself with friends, family, work, activities you enjoy doing, gym, etc., so that you don't come across as needy. When you get the urge to call/text a girl, put the phone down and give it an hour, think about when the last time you called/texted was, and what she might be doing, and whether she'd feel happy to get a text from you again, if you sent so many texts during the day. Me, I was always happy to get texts from my ex, but at some point it became a day-long texting-fest. Now that I think about it, it was much nicer to have one or two texts a day, because it made me look forward to receiving them, rather than a dozen texts an hour, that made me feel obliged to reply to them. In a sense, my ex was also acting a bit clingy himself, though I was not his first. Maybe he was doing it because he knew I wanted it. I don't know. Anyway, I'm rambling here, but bottom line is: less is more sometimes.

[Toddbt12y1]

Honeymoon phase. There rarely are arguments during this phase. It's what you do and how you handle it, when this phase is over. Sorry you lost your first love...but you will heal eventually. First loves rarely last.

[Veni Vidi Vici]

I guess I see where everyone is coming from and it's a little nit easier knowing everyone has been through the same but it's so hard. I have learned the best thing is not to have any expectations but its so hard. I wake up every morning and look at my phone as if I'm going to receive a text from her only to get let down. My friends told the same things that she's just being nice and doesn't want to hurt your feelings. I seriously don't think I can be more hurt that is, right now. I just want her to be straight up with me. Is she not attracted? Did she get bored of me? Did she find someone else? I guess us guys will never understand that feelings just change sometimes and it has nothing to do with us? Am I right? she answered all those questions truthfully and told me to stop asking because those are not the reasons. It just sucks because I'm not inclined to talk/text other women or even have sex. I feel like I need some time off from everything. It wouldn't be fair to anyone else when all I think about is her.

[LostOne1]

I guess I see where everyone is coming from and it's a little nit easier knowing everyone has been through the same but it's so hard. I have learned the best thing is not to have any expectations but its so hard. I wake up every morning and look at my phone as if I'm going to receive a text from her only to get let down. My friends told the same things that she's just being nice and doesn't want to hurt your feelings. I seriously don't think I can be more hurt that is, right now. I just want her to be straight up with me. Is she not attracted? Did she get bored of me? Did she find someone else? I guess us guys will never understand that feelings just change sometimes and it has nothing to do with us? Am I right? she answered all those questions truthfully and told me to stop asking because those are not the reasons. It just sucks because I'm not inclined to talk/text other women or even have sex. I feel like I need some time off from everything. It wouldn't be fair to anyone else when all I think about is her.

You will get over the phone phase soon enough. After while you won't even look at your phone anymore.

 

As for questions to WHY.. you will never know. I don't think she will ever tell you the truth. All you know is she doesn't want this right now.

 

Don't take time off everything. But do 1 thing at a time right now. This is a process that's tough and we've all been there. It's not something you will wake up to and feel better. This can take weeks, months or years to get over. And this being your first love it may take awhile.

 

Mines isn't my 1st love, but 1st serious long relationship. So I know the pain of losing someone, not fully knowing why and not having any control over it. It's a tough thing, but I'm at about 4 months now roughly. And it DOES get better. I think the HARDEST and most painful part is gone now. I feel like I'm A LOT better than I was before. I expect Jan and the new yr to be a fresh start.

 

It's like being reborn again, but already with knowledge and experience.

 

It will take time, but eventually you will get to a point where you will move on. So take care of yourself and take it easy and slow everyday. Distract yourself as much as possible. And best of all meet new people to talk to as friends.

[Veni Vidi Vici]

anyone else been through something similar, I just feel like we both put so much into this! The whole time she reassured me. "Babe you have nothing to worry about" "I'll never leave you" "I'll always love you" " I wanna move in" etc etc, I just took her for granted I guess and felt betrayed because she just quit