freethinking Posted December 24, 2012 Posted December 24, 2012 I have no idea how to begin this...it is the night before Christmas eve and I had to leave my mother in laws house and come home for a little while before going back and dealing with my feelings. I can't tell if I am just suspicious and emotional, or finally putting pieces together. Mu husband and I have been together for two and a half years, we got married this past September. We have an amazing relationship and I can honestly say we can talk about anything...except this. This is the one topic I am afraid of bringing up because I know if my suspicions are true, I will leave him, since there is no way of fixing it. My sister in law is literally the most genuine and kind person I know. EVERYBODY loves her instantly, she is all around sweet, charming, reliable, honest and well...perfect. My brother in law does not treat her as well as she deserves, either. He brought her over from Japan and finally let his true colors show when she was stuck here with him. She is subservient and loyal, so for the past 8 years, she has stuck it out with him...even though none of us would blame her if she bailed on him at any point. In their early years of their marriage, before I knew any of them, my husband lived with them. My brother in law would be stationed all over the country for work, and my husband spent a lot of time with my sister in law since they were alone in the house. I think this must be the time he might have fallen in love with her. My husband is a very conservative, quiet person and does not open up to many people, at all, regarding his feelings. As in...me and her only. At first, I saw his closeness and devotion to my sister in law as sweet, like a genuine brother-sister relationship. As the years have worn on...I feel really uncomfortable with it. NOT because I think either of them would ever act on such feelings. My husband IS the -much- better catch of the two brothers, highly intelligent, loyal and kind. Everything his brother isn't. I know for the sake of everybody involved, he would never even own up to feelings if there were any (but I can tell when he is lying....he isn't good at it, and I am afraid if I ask him, he will lie to me about it, thus revealing himself...or worse, go against his usual tendencies and be honest). I love them both a lot...but it hurts me when he looks at her like she is the most amazing person he has ever seen, or that he texts her more regularly than me (about mundane little things, like "hows your day going, what are you guys up to? etc...)which sounds petty...but if you knew my husband, you'd know it isn't like him to inquire about your day and what not. He won't even call his mom to see how she is doing when she is home alone for days on end, unless I remind him to. I hate that they have so many little inside jokes, which used to not bug me at all...but since our "inside jokes" don't get him going that much, I cant help but wonder at the extra animation he expresses with theirs. Its also in the way he talks about her...like she is the epitome of goodness. Which, she is...but I can't help but feel "less than" in this obvious admiration/devotion. I also have recenetly discovered that they talk about me when I am not there...about personal things. I can probably count on one hand how many times I have had private conversations with ALL of my brothers in law combined, which never crossed lines where their wives were concerned. Not that she is judgmental, but I am sure he goes to her to vent and what not and she gives her advice or whatever. At least, thats the typical pattern I have observed in their discussions about me (Yes...I even read through their texts...I know...) Today, I overheard it in person. I can't tell if I am just over reacting to a close friendship between a brother and sister, or if I am stuck in the middle of a sad love triangle where all three of us are the losers. **I should also note, I do not have low self-esteem. After reading through my post, I can see how I might come across that way. Whereas I LOVE my sister in laws personality/character,I do not wish to be her. I personally prefer to voice my honest opinions over what is pleasant to hear, I refuse to raise my children in a religion I do not believe in or get married in it simply to make extended family feel better (a hot topic in the family...very conservative Catholics, my sister in law is off the hook here because she can't have children and married her husband half way across the world...i wasn't so lucky and am the villain for it...). I know my husband loves me and appreciates what I bring to his life...I just can't help but feel that deep down, he wishes he'd met her before his brother did.
Nightsky Posted December 24, 2012 Posted December 24, 2012 so this is his sister in law? Kind of odd. If it's his sister than I think you're being a little crazy. what are you going to do?
Author freethinking Posted December 24, 2012 Author Posted December 24, 2012 Its his brothers wife. I don't know what to do. :/
Saba Posted December 24, 2012 Posted December 24, 2012 Talk to your husband. Ask him and find out the truth. It might be really painful but at least you can make some decisions rather than just feeling like his second choice. It is already hurting you. Lay it all out and see what he says.
alexandria35 Posted December 24, 2012 Posted December 24, 2012 It sounds like your husband is involved in a type of emotional affair with your sister in law. They may never become physical with each other but it seems that they have a strong emotional bond. From the way you described things it does seem like your husband may be in love with her but since he can't fully have her because she is married to his brother he moved onto you. This doesn't bode well for your marriage as your husbands strongest intimate connection should be to you, not his sister in law. Also it's just plain wrong for him to be telling her personal things about you or venting to her about problems in the marriage. I honestly don't envy your position. If you say nothing then it will eat at you and you will be resentful and unhappy, but if you confront it then you will sound crazy, insecure and jealous. This dynamic has become acceptable to him and his family and they won't appreciate you rocking the boat. Tough spot for you to be in for sure. I'm not sure what I would do. You have only been married to him since Sept. Did you live with him before that? Perhaps given some time he will form a stronger bond and connection with you than he has to the sister in law and he will just naturally move away from her emotionally as he becomes closer to you. At the very least you might want to have a discussion with him about confiding in his sister in law about personal information regarding you or your marriage. A married man should never confide those details to any other female regardless of who they are. Talk to him about keeping healthy boundaries and respect and gauge his reaction to that. 2
standtall Posted December 24, 2012 Posted December 24, 2012 A married man should never, ever talk to another woman about personal things in regards to his wife. That is a betrayal, and as Alexandria points out..he is heading into, or already in an emotional affair with her. That is precisely the reason that men should not have personal relationships with women outside their marriages. Bust this stuff up ASAP.
TaraMaiden Posted December 24, 2012 Posted December 24, 2012 You're going to hate me for this, but honestly, I swear this is what I would do.... I personally, if in this situation, would ask my H. if he believes he would be happier with her, than with me. I would ask him if he wants me to let him go, because as things stand, there are 3 miserable people: Me, him and the SiL. Would being with her make him less miserable? Sure, it's complicated. it means to completely 'bouleverser' the lives of 4 people - but at least it would clarify everything.... (The French always have a word for it... bouleverser' means anything from 'to disrupt' to 'wreak havoc in'....I think it pretty much covers it.) The problem is, until this is brought out into the open, it's always going to be your 'elephant in the room', isn't it? You need answers, because currently, you're living in limbo.... And really, you deserve answers - honest, frank and direct answers. You may not like what you hear - prepare yourself for that - but at least, you'll know.... 1
Author freethinking Posted December 24, 2012 Author Posted December 24, 2012 (edited) @ alexandria You summed it up perfectly...my mother in law has expressed many times how my husband and her other daughter in law are best buds...I think it was her way of trying to clue me into the dynamic when I was first dating him. Her english isn't that great though...so I didn't think much of it. My brother in law I suspect is mildly mentally ill...talking to him would just cause a whole **** ton of dysfunctional drama. And I wouldn't ever call my sister in law out on it...she and I are good friends and though this sounds really passive...I can't help but feel for her if my suspicions are correct. She is Japanese and her family is all about honor..she would no doubt feel very ashamed just to even have me question her loyalty to her husband, even emotionally. My husband and I have lived together for two years and have children, its not like Im just now getting to know him. I have known him for over three years now. I'll take your advice on the boundaries issue, I think that is a good angle to start with. Thanks Edited December 24, 2012 by freethinking ...
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