datdude Posted December 24, 2012 Posted December 24, 2012 So, it's been a month since my ex broke up with me after four years. It happened unexpectedly and she has not initiated any contact since. I have been NC for this entire time. Prior to the breakup, I made extensive New Year's Eve plans, which I was planning on surprising her with this Christmas. I also have a personalized gift that I cannot return, nor can I hold onto any longer... Now, I've wrapped the gift, but I also have written a note to her and placed it inside. The note basically explains how I feel, my true, raw emotions... but nowhere did I mention anything about getting back together or how I want her back. It's been tough, but I have to force myself to accept that she made the decision to not have me as part of her life any longer. I can't see her. I just can't do it... but I want to give her the gift, more so for reasons of showing her that she left what she called the best thing that has ever happened to her. I know common sense says "No, don't give it to her." My intentions are not to "win" her back, as she's pretty much lost my trust (she has a history of breaking up/getting back within minutes)... But do you think dropping off the gift with her family would be a good idea? Is it cowardly not to see her, directly? I also don't want to give her something, where she would feel as if she had to give me something... then it just gets complicated and worse. I'm a good guy. I can't be a bitter a-hole... Thoughts on all this?
blotter Posted December 24, 2012 Posted December 24, 2012 Horrible horrible idea. She broke up with you, and then doesn't initiate any contact with you. You know what that means? She is glad as **** to have you out of her life. Giving her gifts is just going to make you look pathetic and desperate. Look at it from her perspective. She throws you to the curb, is moving on with her life (no contact from her to you), then she receives a gift from you, someone she is trying to forget and move on from. There is nothing to be gained from doing this except losing your dignity. Stay NC and let her see what her life is like without you in it. 4
NavyAirTraffic Posted December 24, 2012 Posted December 24, 2012 Horrible horrible idea. She broke up with you, and then doesn't initiate any contact with you. You know what that means? She is glad as **** to have you out of her life. Giving her gifts is just going to make you look pathetic and desperate. Look at it from her perspective. She throws you to the curb, is moving on with her life (no contact from her to you), then she receives a gift from you, someone she is trying to forget and move on from. There is nothing to be gained from doing this except losing your dignity. Stay NC and let her see what her life is like without you in it. Harsh, but absolutely true. She punches you, puts you outside, doesn't feed you, and you wag your tail and lick her face like a little puppy. You don't reward this type of behavior with gifts.
denxnis Posted December 24, 2012 Posted December 24, 2012 This was a good question. Sorry man, it sounds like you are a really great guy, I have a gift sitting in my closet too.. =\ 1
Sugarkane Posted December 24, 2012 Posted December 24, 2012 Obviously you're lying if these aren't intentions to win her back. Why bother? What is she getting you? Let me guess nothing? Stuff her. 1
Author datdude Posted December 24, 2012 Author Posted December 24, 2012 You know, to be honest... I feel as though I need to prove to myself, by myself that it's over. I'm still in disbelief about this whole thing. Considering she's broken up with me before and gotten back within minutes (on multiple occasions), I guess part of me feels like I need to leave her knowing that she lost a good man. There has not been a single instance where I doubted our relationship, but somehow deep down I feel the only way I can move forward is finally ripping the band-aid and finally walking away from the thought of us. I think the more that time passes and I don't hear from her... the more I realize how deserving I am of someone that will stand up and fight for who I am and the unconditional love that I can offer. I guess part of me believes this is me saying goodbye for good...
Amelie1980 Posted December 24, 2012 Posted December 24, 2012 I don't know .....my ex bf of 2.5 years dumped me in 2001 for another woman. I poured my heart out in a letter to him. he never replied. but all these years later I'm over it and kinda glad he has the letter. at least he knows what he threw away.
NavyAirTraffic Posted December 24, 2012 Posted December 24, 2012 I poured my heart out in a letter to him. he never replied. All you did was boost HIS ego, "wow, I am special, I dumped her and she still can't forget about me". Those letters mean nothing to dumpers, trust me, they know exactly how you feel before/during/and after the breakup. 1
veggirl Posted December 24, 2012 Posted December 24, 2012 What is so personalized that it couldn't be sold or given to someone else? Sell it online or something. Or if it is such that NO ONE else would ever want it, THROW IT AWAY! Do not give her a gift, do not give her a heartfelt letter. She dumped you and has not contacted you...honestly as much as you want to kid yourself into thinking this is for you and for your closure, it's not. You will be waiting and you will be anxious to see if she responds. You will look desperate in her eyes...I mean she breaks your heart and so you give her a gift. Cmon. If you get fired from your job, are you gonna go back and give your former boss a "thank you for the experience" letter and gift? No. She won't be thinking she lost a good man, at least not this soon after the break up...she will be thinking she still has you by the balls...don't do it man!! 1
Amelie1980 Posted December 24, 2012 Posted December 24, 2012 All you did was boost HIS ego, "wow, I am special, I dumped her and she still can't forget about me". Those letters mean nothing to dumpers, trust me, they know exactly how you feel before/during/and after the breakup.I I know. but it was 2001 and I wad very young. I wouldn't do it now. Most importantly I debt care now anyway.
NavyAirTraffic Posted December 24, 2012 Posted December 24, 2012 I wouldn't do it now Well you can't tell the OP (who's thinking about sending a letter and gift) "I'm kinda glad he has the letter" when you wouldn't do it now... 1
Amelie1980 Posted December 24, 2012 Posted December 24, 2012 At the end of the day its his decision...... if he wants to.do it he should. A few years from now he won't care either way whether or not he did it. I'm the other way around now. my bf on a break (I know) actually came to my office with a card and present for me and followed it up with a text full of kisses an hour later. he wanted the break....I'm not giving him something back. he can go to hell. I don't understand it though.
Sequinstar Posted December 24, 2012 Posted December 24, 2012 I was in a similar position three years ago and decided to give the gifts, Whatever the reasons at the time they were ultimately to try and win him back whether I acknowledged that at the time or not I don't remember, looking back it is pretty obvious, there was no other reason. The response I got on the day was heartbreaking and gave me real hope there was still enough love there to save us. Unfortunately I read the entire situation wrong and for the next year I regretted my Christmas choice on a heartbreakingly regular basis, particularly the weekend he took his new girlfriend to the concert I bought him tickets for, staying in the hotel I had paid for. Please take a step back and think about your true reasons and what the best and worst outcomes could be. Laying your soul bare to your ex is not a good idea unless they are willing to reciprocate - give it time and let her make the first move. Lots of love to you x
Christopher82 Posted December 24, 2012 Posted December 24, 2012 By giving her that gift, you are basically rewarding her for treating you like a peice of sh*t. You need to give that way or throw it out. Cut your loses and accept what has happened for what it is. She puts herself first, not you. She did not think about what you wanted before the break up or how her feelings might have affected you. Don't even bother man, seriously. You're more than likely going to end up extremely disapointed and will not like the outcome.
Samilia Posted December 24, 2012 Posted December 24, 2012 What's the gift is that I want to know. And no I wouldn't give it to her. And if you do, I would leave out the letter and I would give it to her, not her family. I still wouldn't do it though
ItxWillxGetxBetter Posted December 25, 2012 Posted December 25, 2012 I'm probably going to get a lot of heat for this but im going to tell you what I did when I was in your situation. My ex Fiancee and I broke up about 2 and 1/2 months ago from a 9 year relationship. Prior to the breakup I had been working on a scrapbook for her birthday. We had broken up in October and her birthday was in November. When we broke up the scrapbook was half way completed. I had gone back and forth debating whether I should have finished it and ultimately whether or not I should give it to her. In the end I ended up finishing the scrapbook and giving it to her for her birthday despite the advice of MANY of my friends to toss it out. Looking back at it now I don't regret giving it to her and here are my reasons why. First the scrapbook symbolized the memories that we shared together. I had devoted a lot of time and effort into making that scrapbook and I didn't want it to go to waste. I understand that we broke up and that it may have meant nothing to her (which it may have) but I wanted to give it to her anyways. I figured it symbolized that life that we use to share and that at least I would cherish those memories. Second I had no illusions that we were going to get back together. This was a gift that I had started prior to us breaking up and I still wanted her to have it. At the time I was on NC/LC and I did not break it. The only time I broke NC was when I delivered the scrapbook to her friend and told her friend in no uncertain terms that this was a gift that I had started prior to us breaking up and that giving her this gift by no means meant that I wanted to get back together with her. Once the gift was delivered to her friend and ultimately delivered to the ex I remained at NC and had no expectations of getting a response from her. Looking back at it now I still wouldn't have changed a thing. If I had to do it all over again I would still make the same decisions but thats just me. Am I over my ex? Not completely but well on my way. Its xmas and did I get her gift? Nope sure didn't. Did I text her? Nope! Will I text her? Hell NO!. That gift was a one time thing that I had planned prior to our break up. Now if the gift had some kind of monetary value would I have given it to her? Nope! The point is its really is up to you. For me I had no expectations and I really didnt want her back. If you have thoughts otherwise or you have a a hidden agenda or if you think giving it to her will elicit any type of response that would set you back then I would seriously reconsidering giving it to her. Just my two cents. GL whatever you choose.
Sequinstar Posted December 25, 2012 Posted December 25, 2012 ^ that was a very sweet and well considered thing to do and you certainly appear to have made the right decision for yourself. I'm intrigued by the OP decision and wonder what he decided to do?
veggirl Posted December 25, 2012 Posted December 25, 2012 ^ that was a very sweet and well considered thing to do and you certainly appear to have made the right decision for yourself. I'm intrigued by the OP decision and wonder what he decided to do? I'm sure he gave it to her.
Bumaga vsyo sterpit Posted December 25, 2012 Posted December 25, 2012 So, it's been a month since my ex broke up with me after four years. It happened unexpectedly and she has not initiated any contact since. I have been NC for this entire time. Prior to the breakup, I made extensive New Year's Eve plans, which I was planning on surprising her with this Christmas. I also have a personalized gift that I cannot return, nor can I hold onto any longer... Now, I've wrapped the gift, but I also have written a note to her and placed it inside. The note basically explains how I feel, my true, raw emotions... but nowhere did I mention anything about getting back together or how I want her back. It's been tough, but I have to force myself to accept that she made the decision to not have me as part of her life any longer. I can't see her. I just can't do it... but I want to give her the gift, more so for reasons of showing her that she left what she called the best thing that has ever happened to her. I know common sense says "No, don't give it to her." My intentions are not to "win" her back, as she's pretty much lost my trust (she has a history of breaking up/getting back within minutes)... But do you think dropping off the gift with her family would be a good idea? Is it cowardly not to see her, directly? I also don't want to give her something, where she would feel as if she had to give me something... then it just gets complicated and worse. I'm a good guy. I can't be a bitter a-hole... Thoughts on all this? Going no contact doesn't make you a bad person or "a bitter a-hole."
ItxWillxGetxBetter Posted December 25, 2012 Posted December 25, 2012 Going no contact doesn't make you a bad person or "a bitter a-hole." Amen! Here is the way you should look at it. You were broken up with and now you need to play Crazy defense to protect yourself. The best strategy in defense is NC.
Author datdude Posted December 25, 2012 Author Posted December 25, 2012 Thank you all so much for your responses. I haven't made any moves yet, but about an hour ago I received a voicemail from her mother wishing me the best day and telling me that she loved me. I couldn't have asked for a better phone call. It definitely made my day. I plan on meeting with her parents in a while, where I plan to hand off the gift. Although I know holding out and remaining NC will not make me a "bitter a-hole," I guess it just doesn't feel right doing so for what I expect is the last time I'll be able to see her parents in person. My game plan is to leave it all out there on the table, having no regret of not being true to myself during this situation. If I do this, I know that I'll leave with my head held high, regardless of how much my heart may hurt. Somehow it just feels like I need to do this for myself.
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