Mme. Chaucer Posted December 24, 2012 Posted December 24, 2012 I see... Okay, FYI I didn't think about getting a husband at all until I was 34, same as people your age, and you I guess. In fact I kind of ran away from guys who started going in that direction with me. But this concept of: 1. let's see where it goes with this person + 2. date exclusively + 3. and mainly: being sure in my mind that this person is for short term only and doesn't have any not long term potential. These 3 put together don't make much sense to me. That's how I feel about it too. I really don't get it. Sex for fun with a person you're attracted to, I get. When I was young, I had boyfriends. I knew I probably wasn't going to marry them, because I realized that I was in no way at that place in my life - but I was still totally into my relationship with my boyfriend. I was all in - I just wasn't projecting into the future. I certainly wasn't thinking "this is fine for short term." If that's how I felt about a guy, then he wouldn't have actually BEEN fine for short term. Maybe for casual sex. Come to think of it, after my divorce and when I started dating again, NOT young, I was still basically the same. If I really liked a man, and we clicked on many levels, including the physical, I was "in." This only happened once, and we are now married, but during the first year I was NOT projecting into the future. I also wasn't thinking, "fine for short term." I cannot relate. If I want to see a person more than once and repeatedly and it is not a f-buddy situation, it has always meant for me that I saw at least potential to become long term one day. I am not sure this is something everyone your age does (the 3 above, combined) or if it's specific to you or people in your situation. Is this what "short term dating" means in the okcupid form i.e.? 1
somedude81 Posted December 24, 2012 Posted December 24, 2012 I recall a man, early 30's, good looking guy actually, pretty good career, had on his shoulders. He was big on biking the roads, went out on biking groups and rides with people, both male and female. But for the life of them, couldn't get a SINGLE one to date him. Or even join him alone with a one-on-one ride/date. There was this one woman that he spent time with, but was dating some pot smoking looser she went home to, and of course, he had no interest in riding bikes...so she always stuck it out herself leaving the boyfriend behind at home. This frustrated the guy who had a serious interest in her, because he would spend time with her biking....and when he showed his interest in her romantically, he never heard from her again...went back to the pot-smoking loser. Even his friends could see them dating, and suggested he should push for it. Yeah, doesn't make sense at all, right? Of course, this is not uncommon "Not making sense". I've kind of dealt with this myself, but haven't pursued it, there'd always be these women that'd come out on these hikes with us, and some men would assume she's single, because she's always coming solo. So guys would make passes at her, and flirt...however the infamous, mentioning of the boyfriend in casual conversation would come up...and thus the *sighs* of disappointment from the eligible bachelors. This one woman had to make herself scarce, because were always pursuing her, regardless of the homebody boyfriend that was a couch potatoe, they figured they'd win her over, considering that since the the boyfriend had no interest in such things, she would be tempted to "seek options" among the men in the group. However, they assumed wrong...she did stop showing up. I recall another woman, that showed up as a new face to the group to do some kayaking...she came with a female friend, and guys noticed her, and her female friend was always on the "defense" with the lady. They came together, and would alienate themselves from the group DURING the activity, some were saying, "Why are you ladies standing way over there for??" I guess they thought "screw this, we need to get away from this group, because men are constantly assuming that I'm single, when I'm not". Thanks for the examples of absolute stupidity. I guess some people just need "chemistry " and nothing else matters.
Mme. Chaucer Posted December 24, 2012 Posted December 24, 2012 Thanks for the examples of absolute stupidity. I guess some people just need "chemistry " and nothing else matters. Who said that? The examples were not of "stupidity." They were examples of women who were not attracted, or not interested. Why is it stupid for a woman to not want to date a man who might have common interests with her, but to whom she is not attracted?
iris219 Posted December 24, 2012 Posted December 24, 2012 Thanks for the examples of absolute stupidity. I guess some people just need "chemistry " and nothing else matters. Some people thought it was stupid that you didn't want to date the overweight women in your salsa class. Was it stupid? Was having salsa in common enough to make you want to date them? 2
edgygirl Posted December 24, 2012 Posted December 24, 2012 That's how I feel about it too. I really don't get it. Sex for fun with a person you're attracted to, I get. When I was young, I had boyfriends. I knew I probably wasn't going to marry them, because I realized that I was in no way at that place in my life - but I was still totally into my relationship with my boyfriend. I was all in - I just wasn't projecting into the future. I certainly wasn't thinking "this is fine for short term." If that's how I felt about a guy, then he wouldn't have actually BEEN fine for short term. Maybe for casual sex. Come to think of it, after my divorce and when I started dating again, NOT young, I was still basically the same. If I really liked a man, and we clicked on many levels, including the physical, I was "in." This only happened once, and we are now married, but during the first year I was NOT projecting into the future. I also wasn't thinking, "fine for short term." I cannot relate. If I want to see a person more than once and repeatedly and it is not a f-buddy situation, it has always meant for me that I saw at least potential to become long term one day. Exactly... and I still don't understand if this is what people are calling "short-term dating" today. On okcupid for example "short term dating" is one of the site's option in the "what are you looking for" section. Does it mean FWB? Or does it mean "let's have sex exclusively because I find it convenient for not catching diseases and not having to look for ONS every time I want sex BUT there's no way in h*** that you'd be long-term for me"? It sounds like guy's discourse to manipulate a female for sex without having to give nothing in return. I doubt many girls would be into that if they knew that was the intention. Why would a woman be exclusive with a guy in any way if she saw no potential? I've been around and had a few FWB and if for me there's no potential involved, it's called FWB, not dating.
Mrlonelyone Posted December 24, 2012 Posted December 24, 2012 @Mme Let me assure you that it's not a generaltional thing. Plenty of people my age even in the LGBT community don't date somoene thinking it's "fine for short term". We also don't think marriage or permanent partner, at least not seriously. Most people are like you, and just feel the situation out as we go along. People have a way of surprising us, that such categorization does not take into account. 1
Mme. Chaucer Posted December 24, 2012 Posted December 24, 2012 Some people thought it was stupid that you didn't want to date the overweight women in your salsa class. Was it stupid? Was having salsa in common enough to make you want to date them? That's what I'm saying! Over, and over. Never get an answer, though. 1
KungFuJoe Posted December 24, 2012 Posted December 24, 2012 Looks are great, but have no bearing on what I will take or not take from a woman. I don't care how beautiful you are, if you act like a bitch, I'm going to let you know. 1
LittlePrince Posted December 24, 2012 Posted December 24, 2012 Common interests aren't necessary but common circles will improve the shelf life of a relationship.
somedude81 Posted December 24, 2012 Posted December 24, 2012 Who said that? The examples were not of "stupidity." They were examples of women who were not attracted, or not interested. Why is it stupid for a woman to not want to date a man who might have common interests with her, but to whom she is not attracted? Some people thought it was stupid that you didn't want to date the overweight women in your salsa class. Was it stupid? Was having salsa in common enough to make you want to date them? Once again it's all about standards. I am simply not attracted to very overweight women. Though I guess the woman in the example wasn't attracted to guys who regularly go hiking. Granted we don't know if they guys were ugly and obese, but odds are they weren't
Els Posted December 27, 2012 Posted December 27, 2012 Thanks for the examples of absolute stupidity. I guess some people just need "chemistry " and nothing else matters. Did you read that the girls in his example actually had boyfriends? I wouldn't really call fidelity and loyalty 'stupid', regardless of what irc might think about their boyfriends.
somedude81 Posted December 27, 2012 Posted December 27, 2012 Did you read that the girls in his example actually had boyfriends? I wouldn't really call fidelity and loyalty 'stupid', regardless of what irc might think about their boyfriends. As if women always dumped their current boyfriend before they started dating a new guy.
TheZebra Posted December 27, 2012 Posted December 27, 2012 They get the feeling that "you wouldn't understand" Some even had difficulties in relationships if they didn't share the same passion for a certain hobby in a way they don't eat, breathe, and LIVE it. That's one of the problems my ex had with me and (according to him) why he wanted to break up. This year all of a sudden he developed a couple of new hobbies that I wasn't into. Like, running for a marathon for example. I was always extremely supportive of him and with his training it was no different. I never asked him to skip a run for me and waited until he was done before we went out for dinner or something. However, that wasn't good enough for him. He wanted someone that was doing all of these things with him, not just supporting him. He wanted someone to be there running with him, signing up for the marathon with him, etc. At the time it broke my heart, but hey, if that's what makes him happy, I can't fight him.
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