Are Common Interests Necessary In Dating?

[MrCastle]

In short term dating. Long term I assume the more you have in common, the better, but in short term I find it doesn't really make a difference. Some people get their hopes up online because they stumble onto someone's profile and see that they have similar interests, so they just assume they're a lock, and it often doesn't turn out that way. Or even in real life, people think "I like x, she likes x, so naturally, we're gonna hook up at some point", not realizing you can share common interests but be relegated to just friends.

 

Basically I just think people should stop getting their hopes up because they have some things in common with the person they're interested in.

 

It's a plus, but I don't think it makes or breaks casual dating. What do you think?

Edited December 24, 2012 by MrCastle

[Pyro]

In what I experienced having many common interests does help. IMO you need them to last.

 

My last relationship went 3.5 years but we didn't really have anything in common. She liked reality TV, pop and country music, and she was a nanny so all that she had to talk about was the kids and how they were.

 

The reason why my marriage has been so successful IMO (besides trust and love) is because we enjoy lots of the same TV shows, same types of music, and we both enjoy history.

 

What I experienced too was that the less in common you have with them the less sexually attractive that they become.

[Under The Radar]

MrCastle,

 

Are you talking about:

 

 

• Hobbies and Interests
  
• Values and Moral Compass
  
• Or Both
  

Certainly for a LTR I cannot see it lasting without similar moral landscape and ethics that mirror one another. For the short term it probably, as you stated, doesn't matter.

[KungFuJoe]

Nothing matters if you're just fooling around other than physical attraction.

[Pyro]

Oops I missed the part where you said short term. Disregard my post.

[MrCastle]

MrCastle,

 

Are you talking about:

 

 

• Hobbies and Interests
  
• Values and Moral Compass
  
• Or Both
  

Certainly for a LTR I cannot see it lasting without similar moral landscape and ethics that mirror one another. For the short term it probably, as you stated, doesn't matter.

 

More so hobbies and interests than anything else. Although you can make the case for values and morals. You could have a hippie vegan dude see a hippie vegan girl and think "hey, we're both hippie vegans!, I'm sure she'd dig me!" but then when he goes to ask her out he finds out she's dating a meat eating, conservative hunter.

 

But yeah, more so hobbies and interests. Some people feel just because they have stuff in common, they're entitled to get a date with that person, or that they're a lock of some sort. Then they get crushed when the person they go after dates someone they share no interests with.

[charlietheginger]

Id say it matters obviously a devoted

Non drinking non smoking person

Dont want to sit at home watching tv

With their significant other on the couch

Choking on cigs and getting drunk as the non

Smoker non drinker watches the other

Destroying themselves

[CarrieT]

But what is the purpose of short-term dating anyway? Most people don't go into dating with the idea it is "short term" except high school or college kids who know they are moving away in a year or two. But even then, people get vested ideas about longevity.

 

I think you are off-base and unless you are looking for merely a f*ck-buddy, the concept of shared values, hobbies, and ideas is pretty critical to dating - short or long term...

[KungFuJoe]

But what is the purpose of short-term dating anyway? Most people don't go into dating with the idea it is "short term" except high school or college kids who know they are moving away in a year or two. But even then, people get vested ideas about longevity.

 

I think you are off-base and unless you are looking for merely a f*ck-buddy, the concept of shared values, hobbies, and ideas is pretty critical to dating - short or long term...

 

Agreed. I wanted to say this but didn't have the energy.

[MrCastle]

But what is the purpose of short-term dating anyway? Most people don't go into dating with the idea it is "short term" except high school or college kids who know they are moving away in a year or two. But even then, people get vested ideas about longevity.

 

I think you are off-base and unless you are looking for merely a f*ck-buddy, the concept of shared values, hobbies, and ideas is pretty critical to dating - short or long term...

 

I don't know. I think attraction is something totally different. I think attraction is there whether people have shared interests or not. Just because we both love sky diving and salsa dancing doesn't mean we're meant to be. Just because we're both liberals doesn't mean we're meant to be. I think attraction is much bigger than that. I think we're attracted to each other first, and then any interests we find out we have in common along the way is a plus.

[newmoon]

it doesn't matter at all imo. the more interesting and diverse you are from your partner the better the relationship can be - you have so much more to learn and share about/with one another and the relationship might even last longer as you participate in activities that are new to you. imagine how boring things could be if you shared too many, or even all, interests with your partner. the values about money, children, religion, jobs, etc. matter more than any common interests.

[CarrieT]

I don't know. I think attraction is something totally different. I think attraction is there whether people have shared interests or not.

I agree with that in the regard that I have been attracted to people (and slept with them) when there are no shared interests, but - as I indicated - doesn't that just make them f*ck buddies? The "shared interest" is a mutual attraction but then, so what else is there?

 

Just because we're both liberals doesn't mean we're meant to be. I think attraction is much bigger than that. I think we're attracted to each other first, and then any interests we find out we have in common along the way is a plus.

 

You are making a differentiation between shared interests amongst PEOPLE and establishing a relationship between them. I have lots of friends with shared interests but that doesn't mean I am meant to be with them romantically.

 

You are basing relationships solely on "attraction" but there must be more than that. And if there are no common interests, then why even bother if there is only "attraction?" Then it is just sexual chemistry and what is the purpose of it if only for sex? That goes back to the f*ck-buddy clause...

[MrCastle]

You are basing relationships solely on "attraction" but there must be more than that. And if there are no common interests, then why even bother if there is only "attraction?" Then it is just sexual chemistry and what is the purpose of it if only for sex? That goes back to the f*ck-buddy clause...

 

I think you can have relationships without common interests, but you can't have relationships without attraction.

 

Attraction wins out everytime because it's not logical. If it was logical, this site and the amount of people struggling on this site would be vastly different.

 

You would just find someone you have a lot of stuff in common with and that would be that, eventually you'd grow to dig each other.

 

Dating doesn't work like that. That's why the bulk of people here are unsuccessful and mad, because they're trying to look at it from a logical perspective. "I don't get it, they like xyz, I do too!, They do xyz, I do too!"

 

They are lacking attraction. Attraction is much more important.

 

Good luck maintaining a relationship because you happen to both share the same hobbies.

[Pyro]

If we are talking short-term dating then common interests are not necessary.

 

By calling it short term you are implying that there is a definite expiration date on the relationship, so if that is the case it doesn't really matter about common interests.

[CarrieT]

I think you can have relationships without common interests, but you can't have relationships without attraction.

You've been around here long enough to see a TON of people involved in relationships without attraction but trying to hold on because of the common interests. And there are life-long marriages that exist without attraction.

 

Attraction wins out everytime because it's not logical. If it was logical, this site and the amount of people struggling on this site would be vastly different.

It does not always win. I entered into a relationship with someone based entirely on attraction and without the mutual interests, it failed miserably. Again, that person became nothing other than a f*ck-buddy because the only thing we had in common was our mutual attraction. THAT alone cannot make a relationship so why should we have even bothered?

 

Dating doesn't work like that. That's why the bulk of people here are unsuccessful and mad, because they're trying to look at it from a logical perspective. "I don't get it, they like xyz, I do too!, They do xyz, I do too!"

I completely disagree. Dating DOES work like that; it is a matter of finding those common interests and hope the attraction is there as well. I have stated a number of times that I was not attracted to my current partner when we first met, but we had so many common interests that the attraction grew after a time.

 

They are lacking attraction. Attraction is much more important.

Again - I disagree completely.

 

Good luck maintaining a relationship because you happen to both share the same hobbies.

I have now been in five long-term relationships (five years, three years, eleven years, two years, and the one I am in now). Those that were the shortest were based on "attraction." Those that were the longest were based on mutual interests.

 

I maintain that the existence of mutual interests can be the building blocks to a longer-lasting relationship (if the two people are intelligent and insightful enough) than simple "attraction."

[MrCastle]

Carrie you said attraction grew because of interests, but if attraction never developed, this guy would have been demoted to friend status. You guys are together now because you find him attractive. The day you lose that attraction is the day you leave him. Regardless of how much you two have in common. People don't stick around because of common interests. Interests can aid in creating attraction but they can't replace attraction or make up for lack of attraction.

Edited December 24, 2012 by MrCastle

[zebracolors]

I don't know. I think attraction is something totally different. I think attraction is there whether people have shared interests or not. ...

 

I am inclined to feel this as well. Like when you meet eyes with a stranger in a crowded club, you're smiling at them, they smile at you.. Can't we presume at this point the attraction and curiosity is mutual? But at that point you won't know anything about the other, like their hobbies and interests. So I agree the attraction has to be there to get the two together then whatever happens, happens. At its at that point, if they find out if it could become a relationship at some point, or just sexual attraction through talking and personal interactions learning about each other?

[CarrieT]

Carrie you said attraction grew because of interests, but if attraction never developed, this guy would have been demoted to friend status.

But that is my point - your initial question is "are common interests necessary in dating?" and I believe they are more than necessary. I wouldn't date someone just because of "attraction" if there were no common interests - what would the point be beyond sex?

 

People don't stick around because of common interests. Interests can aid in creating attraction but they can't replace attraction or make up for lack of attraction.

Again - I think you have been around here long enough to know there are a TON of relationships that exist and go on based on common interests (often the raising of children or other family obligations) despite the loss of attraction. But this is a different discussion because your premise was about "short-term dating" and not life-long relationships - two different things...

[truth_seeker]

Carrie you said attraction grew because of interests, but if attraction never developed, this guy would have been demoted to friend status. You guys are together now because you find him attractive. The day you lose that attraction is the day you leave him. Regardless of how much you two have in common. People don't stick around because of common interests. Interests can aid in creating attraction but they can't replace attraction or make up for lack of attraction.

 

This is spot on. I know because it happened to me. I liked this girl then she did something to turn me off. Attraction gone. See ya later.

[TheZebra]

I think you need to have these things in common if you want a LTR to work:

 

1) Values/Morals

2) Culture/Religion

3) Goals

 

I don't think you need to have a bunch of hobbies in common though. it's nice to have some things you like doing together and others you do by yourself or with your friends. Who wants to be stuck to someone 24/7?

[somedude81]

Or even in real life, people think "I like x, she likes x, so naturally, we're gonna hook up at some point", not realizing you can share common interests but be relegated to just friends.

Story of my life.

 

Common sense says that common interests would be important. Life says they aren't.

[TheZebra]

I'm not sure if this helps MrCastle's point, but over Thanksgiving I met a nice guy at a party but I knew instantly that I was not attracted to him and that no matter what he said or did would not change that. And to the pessimists out there lurking, he was tall and handsome, but just.. something was off for me.

 

Anyway, he tried making conversation with me and we did have a lot in common. Similar families, traveled to the same countries, liked video games, etc. But no matter how similar he was to me, I already knew I wasn't attracted to him and knew nothing was going to happen. He tried flirting, teasing, even poking me at times but I just ignored him. I wasn't attracted, but if I had been, finding those things in common would've built the attraction.

[KungFuJoe]

You need physical attraction AND common interests.

[edgygirl]

As someone who grew up abroad and moved to the US a few years back, this American concept of short-term dating doesn't make any sense to me. If it's short term it equals a purely f-buddies situation. Right? Why call it short term? Does it mean something else?

 

And f-buddying someone is so empty that even if there's physical attraction... meh. "Oh wow I am bedding this hot person, great". It makes sense when you're in college, but after that it starts to bore one to death. I need brain stimulation, call it shard interests or call it meeting someone who intrigues you... otherwise I lose attraction.

 

The last f-buddy I had was also into reality TV. I was flabbergasted when he turned on the TV on Big Brother and was explaining to me the minutea of the participants. What? *running for the hills*. Never saw him again, I totally lost attraction.

[MrCastle]

As someone who grew up abroad and moved to the US a few years back, this American concept of short-term dating doesn't make any sense to me. If it's short term it equals a purely f-buddies situation. Right? Why call it short term? Does it mean something else?

 

And f-buddying someone is so empty that even if there's physical attraction... meh. "Oh wow I am bedding this hot person, great". It makes sense when you're in college, but after that it starts to bore one to death. I need brain stimulation, call it shard interests or call it meeting someone who intrigues you... otherwise I lose attraction.

 

The last f-buddy I had was also into reality TV. I was flabbergasted when he turned on the TV on Big Brother and was explaining to me the minutea of the participants. What? *running for the hills*. Never saw him again, I totally lost attraction.

 

First of all, attraction is more than just physical/sexual. You can be attracted to the fact that they're nice. You can be attracted to their smarts. For example, you may be dating a science teacher. His brains impress you but you actually aren't into science and have no interest in learning any new scientific stuff. You're just attracted to the fact he has brains. Attraction cannot be explained by simple things like the physical and the sexual. Attraction is that thing you can't explain that tells your gut "this person is right for me".

 

As for the f-buddy vs long term thing, that's just how life is right now. The more you go on, the more liberal and progressive society becomes. 40 years ago you were married at 20, stayed at home and were raising kids at 22. That's not reality anymore. People are having sex at younger ages, and getting married later. Most young people are not looking for "the one", not in this day and age. It's just how things are.