what happens when you re interested but he s not anymore?

[sammie234]

hey guys, i knew this guy for 4 years, we started seeing each other and kinda dating (well i dont even know what that is) 2 months ago.

he is the same age as myself (24)...2 months ago, one day he texted me to have a dinner together(even though the past 4 years we were meeting accidentally a lot,talking a lot,but hanged out rarely),this day we had sex (without me to have expectations for further relations with him,i just wanted to have fun and we had drunk a little bit so i was more open on having fun).

 

After this time,i think we both enjoyed it and were happy for the development of this case, so we continued seeing each other. i was thinking i should be cautious and not fall for him because i knew i d be troubled since i know his character he s not deciding on things easily,so i was treating the situation like i was seeing him only for sex.

 

he seemed like he was putting the effort, we met sometimes knowing we wont have sex (cause i had some health issues which i had discussed with him),but other than that we had sex like 6-7 more times and we slept twice together (which were from the best moments of my life,sharing intimate moments with him,but getting closer to him,not only having sex).as time was passing by things turned the upside down, he was stopping putting the effort,he would stop kissing me while we have sex,or kiss me for a few seconds,he wouldnt go out with me in places like bars or restaurants (probably cause he didnt want ppl he knew/or maybe other girls to see him with me).

 

i didnt want to start asking about these things cause that would look like im falling for him and i didnt want to be that whining girl who asks for explanations,but this situation was making me sad and skeptical.one day i said something like u re not really familiar with kisses,u dont like them as much...and he didnt answer,he just laughed... another time i told him i cant see things as cold as him,like just have sex without kissing and that its not in my mentallity,he said he was glad i said this to him,and the following times we met,he was kissing more,but still not enough,he was stressed about stopping the kisses.

 

after a point he was showing me he wanted to be friends with benefits with me. i was enjoying sex but i had started realizing i liked him more seriously and i was developing feelings for him,so it was hurting me hearing about the presence of other girls in his life or showing me he s hiding me from other ppl or he wasnt kissing as much. after a point he had started acting like im for granted,and im that light slut who can call anytime,meet and have sex with her,so i had to stop this situation. i stopped calling or texting,and i wanted to take sometime for myself but also see if he ll be interested to call me and find me. after 10 days of no communication at all with him,i decided to text him(yes obviously in his life he s used on having things served on his plate).

 

he called me back and he sounded like he wanted to hear from me, like he was sad i had stopped texting him and he said we should hang out (he did sound nervous and like he was still interested).he gave as an excuse (for him being lost) that he was out of town.so we did met again.that day he looked high from we*d.we were about to go somewhere out,and i suggested a place but he didnt wanna take me there and show up with me there (which made me think he knew another girl at this place),so i got upset,but without showing it or asking for explanations or complaining,i just said ok...but i was holding it for sure,it turned me off and made me being kinda negative about him for the rest of the night.

 

i asked him if i was doing the right thing for texting him,cause he wasnt initiating texting and i felt i was bugging and i should stop,he said no i wasnt bugging at any case and that he liked me texting him.i understood he likes having the attention and feel he s being chased. but anyway,we came back to my house and he initiated sex again,he started touching me etc (without kissing). i stopped him and told him i cant do this,he was like its ok i understand,dont worry etc....later on that night i explained to him the reason why i dont want to keep having sex with him like that,is cause i like him and i cant see him just for sex anymore,cause i have developed feelings for him and i want more things.

 

he seemed surprised and he asked me what kind of feelings i had and he was digging more into it to learn more things about how i feel.he said he was feeling things for me too,but he s not in a phase in his life right now to do such engagements.i explained to him,i wanted something simple and light.he didnt say no but he didnt say yes either,so i had no idea where i was standing,but he was hugging me the whole time and holding my hand(again he didnt kiss me).next time we met (which was the last one i saw him,even until today) was 3 weeks ago.at this moment, i was expecting i d have to do again with someone who d be high and probably would want to keep me for sex,but in the meantime i d get rejection as far as him telling me he likes me or that he wants to do something more serious with me, so i had this silly idea to drink wine so i ll get more loose and take the situation more lightely. we started the night in a romantic way hugging each other,we layed down and he started initiating sex again and touching me.

 

this time i was more open to it but i wanted to make sure he s not viewing me as a piece of meat.he asked me what i was thinking and i told him im thinking why he was initiating this and what are we (friends? no friends? something more? 2 ppl liking each other?) he didnt really know what to answer,he was like we dont have to be something and i answered so u want only sex from me...he said no thats not only what i want from u,so what do u want?

 

he answered what we re just doing now...he asked me if i was afraid if i ll get hurt,i said obviously yes,i said i dont like fake ppl who want to hide their feelings and just have sex.at the meantime i had gotten drunk and this whole conversation is blurry to me,but i do remember him saying to me im drunk so its not time to talk about it and we should talk another time.later on he was still hugging me and again in the mood to have sex,but then he asked who else has slept on my bed before (which was pretty stupid,i have no idea what he was thinking)

 

i said obviously my ex...but after that he wanted to leave he said he had to wake up early the next morning (even though at the beggining of the night i wasnt sure if i should have sex with him,and maybe i didnt want to,after hearing he s not seeing me only for sex and that he likes being around me and huggging,he made me think more open about having sex) so i didnt want him to leave,and even if we wouldnt have sex,i would like to spend more time with him,or maybe just sleep with him and make things less tense and just enjoy our time without think about things...but he still wanted to leave...somehow i was taking him to the exit and we started making out,his down part was hard too...and all of a sudden he just stopped and left,i was like what did just happen,why are u leaving like that...come back (and i have no idea what other embarassing things i said while i was drunk,but i feel ashamed for sure...it was a disaster).after he left i sent him a msg asking if i offended him with something cause he left abruptly.he said nothing offended him...

 

i answered that i feel he has missunderstood somethings about me and i d like to talk to him about it and clear things out,he just answered goodnight...after a few days,i texted him...i got no reply...i called after a lot of hours,he said he was busy with his work and had a business dinner,and he d call back..he did call back but he talked to me for alittle bit,i was about to say something about the other night and apologize for me being drunk (even though he was again high too and he wasnt being able to have a proper convo too,but still he could communicate,he wasnt drunk like me) but before i start my sentence,he was like i gotta go,im sleepy and tired,so i said goodnight.after a few days i texted again asking him to hang out...i got no reply.

 

so the next day i decided i should stop taking up with him. i felt i had some things to say to him,for myself in order to feel better,get it off my chest and move on.so i sent him a msg and explained to him everything,i told him i respected the fact he left even though he could have had sex easily with me and leave,that makes him special to my eyes. i also told him why im being weird sometimes and im abrupt,i admitted i was wrong for drinking and saying all those stupid things,i said i wanted to go out with him and just have fun without doing hard conversations like that and i explained again what kind of relations i wanted to have with him.but i asked him to be honest with me and tell me what he thinks about me too. he answered he was glad i let him know and that we d plan to go out (not in a house) whithin the week (which just passed) so we can talk...

 

i answered ok text me whenever u can so we can go out. i didnt want to text him again,cause there s no point on this anymore and i dont want to make him sick of it,but im feeling im getting sick of it,since he s clearly not putting any effort anymore. he never showed up,never texted me back to go out until today. im feeling very sad,because it was something beautiful at the beggining and he made me feel special,and all of a sudden i feel used and throwed away.but at the same time he hasnt rejected me clearly. and this whole thing has made me tired but has messed up my psychology too,i caught myself crying a few times. so maybe i gotta move on,but its still bothering me.. this thing didnt become alive and i feel sad about it.im just thinking of all this excitement that existed before and i cant believe he didnt have feelings so im wondering what exactly happened and it went wrong,and what i could do so i can fix things.what do u guys think of this whole story?

 

obviously,he doesnt know what he wants either,but does it have to do with having possibly another relationship,or maybe he wants to see many other girls?cause i dont really believe this 'im in a changing phase of my life and i got work' BS...

 

is he interested and what should i do?

Edited December 24, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
paragraphs, best I could do

[sammie234]

so what do u think?

[sid3]

so what do u think?

 

I think your OP was way too long. How about summarizing that epic post into a few paragraphs, you'll get more feedback.

[todreaminblue]

sammi you dont want something light you have feelings for this guy.....you told him what you though he wanted to hear so you could get a positive response you got neither a negative or a positive response you got zilch....to me that's worse than a negative because then you don't know where you stand with him.I feel you have bonded with him because of the sex.Some women do....when you put your heart into someone it is hard to turn back...you say you were drunk when you first had sex and up for fun...i would question that......do you think you still would have had sex straight? .

 

If the answer is no then the fun part isnt really fun is it? if you have to be drunk to do it.....you fell for the guy i doubt it was abtou fun for you or casual sex....

 

 

you are concerned about the no kissing and you should be.....its a definite pull back on his side....when kissing goes...theres a problem....

 

this guy isnt for you if you stay you are going to get hurt.....i dont like casual sex never have its mechanical to m e....and cold....heartless......if i was going to have sex with someone i would know for sure the relationship had long term capability...or i wouldnt have it....i dotn waste tiem with casual because i am nto a csual person....passionate yes...casual no....even though ...lol...i truly am starting to miss physical closeness and intimacy...I wont get used as a part time fix......not for any man ...

 

 

 

unless it is a long term relationship i m not interested in having sex for fun....fun comes when you have a relationship to begin with...i feel you are goign to get hurt by this guy, he isnt committed nor do i sense he wants to commit with you...don't let him hurt you anymore than he already is, state how you really feel, what you really want and don't fail to stand up for what you want out of love and sex.....and if it doesnt work out with this dick........next time make sure that you know for sure where you stand before you have sex....someone will treat you right if you let them know what you consider to be right.......best wishes.....deb

Edited December 24, 2012 by todreaminblue

[sammie234]

hey guys, i knew this guy for 4 years, we started seeing each other and kinda dating (well i dont even know what that is) 2 months ago.

 

<snip>

 

is he interested and what should i do?

 

 

 

there is no way i could turn this into a relationship??? what should i do? i ve really tried to forget about him and move on,but i really cant,i feel like i ve created a strong bond,which obviously has affect me and not him...but i miss him like crazy,i dont know what to do... i want him back

 

well what i meant with something light was having respect for each other,care and be honest. i dont care if that would be called relationship or not,i dont like labels,but thats what im looking for,and of course loyalty too,but at the first place im trying to figure out if i m gonna have care respect and honesty...

Edited December 24, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[sammie234]

after the first time we were always having sober sex...

and he did look interested and serious,not like right now,that he seems he just wants sex...but still he said he wants to spend time with me having fun,not only sex,so isnt this a good sign? but why did he get lost?

 

there s no other way i could turn this into a relationship,or whatever else i could agreee with him on having honesty,care and respect at the first place and then afterwards maybe i could ask for loyalty too?

i really cant move on and forget about him,i miss him ike crazy...

[sammie234]

i dont like putting labels, like'relationship' cause u may have a relationship,but be a failure if both of the pp are not trustworthy not loyal and play games,from the other side it has happened before on other couples,not to have an official relationship,maybe an open or friends with benefits, but the ppl to be honest with each other and care,so they have a succesful type.

 

therefore,i dont care how it will be called,im just asking for care,respect and honesty. do u think there is a way i could gain back his interst and come in an agreement like that with him,where we ll be enjoying each other but still care and be good with each other?

[sammie234]

@sid3

 

Well here's a SUMMARY...

 

i started having sex with a guy trying to have no strings attached and then i fell in my own trap,falling for him. at the beggining he was intersted and a gentleman,but right now he seems like he doesnt care and acts like an *******. we had sex like 6-7 times,until the point i realised i had to tell him how i feel abut him. so this day i told him,he had tride to have sex with me before and i rejected him,later on i told him how i feel,and that i was afraid i d get hurt and he was interested to know more about how i feel, he didnt reject me ut he didnt really accept me at the same time,which makes me not know where i stand and yes thats the worst case. when i tol him he was hugging me and holding my hand,saying he s glad i let him know how ifeel,he said he s not in a phase to have such engagments but he said he felt feelings for me too (at least thats what he said). the time we had this convo he was high,but still understanding though...next time we met i got drunk,he tried to have sex but i didnt know ifi i wanted since i wanted to make sure first he s being serious with me.we ended up having a convo saying again how im afraid and how he doesnt want serious relationships but he wants to spend time with me having fun and not only having sex...we ended up him to leave abruptly and me telling him to stay so we can have sex or just sleep... i messed up that night.

 

some days after that day,he wasnt answering my msg so i decided to send him a msg telling him how i feel and admitting i messed up etc. if u want more info on what i told him on the msg,read above...the first text i wrote...

he answered he d send me a msg within the week so we can meet and discuss,but he never showed up...now im wondering why? so thats all

 

now my question is,what can i do next so i can win him back and be with him in a way he ll be happy and i ll be happy?

[sid3]

@sid3

 

Well here's a SUMMARY...

 

i started having sex with a guy trying to have no strings attached and then i fell in my own trap,falling for him. at the beggining he was intersted and a gentleman,but right now he seems like he doesnt care and acts like an *******. we had sex like 6-7 times,until the point i realised i had to tell him how i feel abut him. so this day i told him,he had tride to have sex with me before and i rejected him,later on i told him how i feel,and that i was afraid i d get hurt and he was interested to know more about how i feel, he didnt reject me ut he didnt really accept me at the same time,which makes me not know where i stand and yes thats the worst case. when i tol him he was hugging me and holding my hand,saying he s glad i let him know how ifeel,he said he s not in a phase to have such engagments but he said he felt feelings for me too (at least thats what he said). the time we had this convo he was high,but still understanding though...next time we met i got drunk,he tried to have sex but i didnt know ifi i wanted since i wanted to make sure first he s being serious with me.we ended up having a convo saying again how im afraid and how he doesnt want serious relationships but he wants to spend time with me having fun and not only having sex...we ended up him to leave abruptly and me telling him to stay so we can have sex or just sleep... i messed up that night.

 

some days after that day,he wasnt answering my msg so i decided to send him a msg telling him how i feel and admitting i messed up etc. if u want more info on what i told him on the msg,read above...the first text i wrote...

he answered he d send me a msg within the week so we can meet and discuss,but he never showed up...now im wondering why? so thats all

 

now my question is,what can i do next so i can win him back and be with him in a way he ll be happy and i ll be happy?

 

Well I'd say there is little to win back at this point. He likes the sex, and it sounds like that's what he's only really interested in at this point. There's definitely plenty of other men out there that can offer what your looking for. While not want you wanted to hear, I'm sure, I'd say there isn't much hope in this scenario.

[NoMoreJerks]

I think your title summed up your original post, OP. He is clearly not interested. From the sounds of it, he never was interested in you the way that you wanted him to, though he was interested in you in other ways (sex and companionship). This is a textbook example of being in a FWB situation without knowing it. It happened to me too, and I kept trying to work it out, hoping that over time, he would start having feelings for me, but he never did, and if anything, I cheapened myself and appeared unattractive to him because I was willing to put out every time, without expecting anything in return. I'd say the fact that you brought up the question of what your status together was, was a good thing to do, and it made him realize that you wanted more, and that's something he's not willing to put up with, because he knows eventually it will develop into a headache for him. Be thankful that you realized this 2 months into your pseudo-relationship rather than 6 months or a year down the line. Please do not ignore the red flags. If he comes back to you and tries to "give it another try," please do not fall for it. I assure you that time will not make him develop any feelings for you. At least not enough for him to want to have a long-term relationship with you. Please do not do the same mistake I did with my ex. It won't work, and you'll only be increasing your chances of major heartache. It's hard enough to let go now, let alone at the 6 month or 1 year threshold. Mine was 6 months, and he broke up with me 2 days ago. He told me he had missed me the times that he was away from home, for a job, only because he feels worse when he's away from home. I know I would never have dumped him for good (though we did have a mutual break-up a few months ago, and got back together a week later), even though it was a very abusive relationship (emotionally) and my needs were not being satisfied.. So maybe he did a good thing for me and maybe this is a blessing in disguise, because he is helping me get over him and let go of him instead of wasting years of my life pining for him or trying to make the unworkable work. Sure, he dumped me for selfish reasons, but I think deep down he also realized he shouldn't be stringing me along. For that, I kinda respect him. I feel used, and I hate him for that, and will never forgive him, even though I still love him so much and would take him back in a heartbeat. If it's any consolation, I know how you're feeling, but please do not settle for anything less than what will satisfy your needs, just because it's the only way to keep him. That's a recipe for YOUR unhappiness. I promise you that this is true.

Edited December 24, 2012 by NoMoreJerks

[sammie234]

the weird thing is,i had the feeling he was interested and i thought everything goes well when i didnt care and wanted to have fun and all of a sudden i started caring and he goes careless. i have this feeling he does care deep inside, why do i have it? is it sure it wont end up in anything good? and why would a person like this keep wanting something casual and not settle for more?

[NoMoreJerks]

the weird thing is,i had the feeling he was interested and i thought everything goes well when i didnt care and wanted to have fun and all of a sudden i started caring and he goes careless. i have this feeling he does care deep inside, why do i have it? is it sure it wont end up in anything good? and why would a person like this keep wanting something casual and not settle for more?

I had this "weird feeling" that my ex cared "deep inside" too, but I was wrong. He cared as a friend, sure (or maybe not, who would treat their friends like **** and use them for sex and then dump them?), but he didn't love me. He told me so on two different occasions. I have no reason to suspect that he was being dishonest about that. I thought his daily phone calls while he was away from home for a job, were about him starting to develop feelings for me. I was wrong. Apparently, he had missed me while there, but only because he always feels worse when away from home (his words, not mine). I was just serving as his emotional crutch, all the while thinking that deep down he might love me, or that he was starting to love me at last.

 

He's emotionally unavailable, a commitment-phobe, or just a player. Take your pick. He does not want to commit, and it doesn't matter why. That's his problem, not yours. It's his choice, and you cannot change that. I left "too busy/stressed for a relationship" out of that list of why he wouldn't commit, because honestly, unless he's the president of the USA, he's definitely not too busy/stressed for a proper, healthy relationship. It's when he doesn't want to invest in the relationship that the relationship turns unhealthy and becomes more stressful. So, a relationship stressing him out is just a symptom of a deeper problem: his lazyness and unwillingness to put in any effort into the relationship. Because he doesn't want it.

Edited December 24, 2012 by NoMoreJerks

[sammie234]

but mine did say he has feelings for me too...why did he say that if he doesnt mean it?

[FitChick]

All you needed was the title of the thread without any of the explanation and endless typing.

 

What happens when one person is interested and the other isn't? I'll give you one guess!

[sid3]

but mine did say he has feelings for me too...why did he say that if he doesnt mean it?

 

People are often selfish. That's not to say he lied. He likely does have some type of feelings for you. Unfortunately for you, they arent strong enough or the right kind.

[NoMoreJerks]

but mine did say he has feelings for me too...why did he say that if he doesnt mean it?

Mine said he had feelings for me, too. he used those exact words. He did not say "I love you", though. Or when he did, (after I told him "I love you"), he said, I love you, but as a friend. Did yours specify what feelings he had for you? "Feelings" is vague. I have feelings for my friends, my family, people I don't know too well but have spent some time with, etc. Also, I have come to believe that words can be meaningless sometimes. If he said he loved me, but treated me like trash, it's not "love", is it?

[edgygirl]

but mine did say he has feelings for me too...why did he say that if he doesnt mean it?

 

Wake up girl. If he had the kind of feelings you think he has, he'd be trying to work on a relationship. He's not and he said it in your face. When a man tells you he doesn't want a relationship, believe it. What part don't you understand?

 

It's a waste of time and will lead nowhere. Don't waste your time with him. He is using you for sex. This kind of guy always say they have "feelings" to keep you in the loop of his sexual rotation and to feel less of a jerk. Take your illusions out, this is going nowhere. Unless you are okay with a FWB situation. But don't think it will become something else if you go that way. It won't. Look for someone who can give you what you need. He's not it.

[NoMoreJerks]

Wake up girl. If he had the kind of feelings you think he has, he'd be trying to work on a relationship. He's not and he said it in your face. When a man tells you he doesn't want a relationship, believe it. What part don't you understand?

 

It's a waste of time and will lead nowhere. Don't waste your time with him. He is using you for sex. This kind of guy always say they have "feelings" to keep you in the loop of his sexual rotation and to feel less of a jerk. Take your illusions out, this is going nowhere. Unless you are okay with a FWB situation. But don't think it will become something else if you go that way. It won't. Look for someone who can give you what you need. He's not it.

Right - exactly. Mine kept being vague, claimed he had feelings for me , when I brought it up. At first I bought it, but then he told me he loved me, but only as a friend, he didn't feel the attraction, spark, etc. But I was still good enough for him to have sex with, apparently. Disgusting. But I have no one but myself to blame, to be honest. I had my blinders on, and didn't want to see the red flags even when I knew they were there... The minute he realized he wouldn't be sent to my country for work for some time to come (possibly 6-7 months, if not more -- unless a previously unscheduled job came up), he dumped me. Mine was a LDR , so i guess a bit tougher, but aside from that, your situation reminds me of mine. Save yourself the heartache and move on. I know I should also walk this talk, and I know it's easier said than done, but I'm trying to move on after being dumped 2 days ago. I gave too much and can't give more to him, and my dignity is currently not even above ground level, after all the grovelling and begging I've done time and again, every time he wanted to break up with me.

[edgygirl]

Disgusting.

 

It happens to most of us these days. The good thing is we learn from the experience and know not to fall for the bs again. And the more we date we can tell the bs sooner and sooner and dump them before they do any damage.

 

NoMoreJerks, you shouldn't feel bad, you should be happy you got rid of trouble and you're free to find someone who's worth it!

[sammie234]

im really sorry to hear your story. i know how u re feeling,maybe im not that hurt,at least yet.

i do understand that when u re in a case like this u dont wanna face the reality.

i hear yall,i do see your point. the reason why its so hard for me to believe he s a piece of sh*t is that he wasnt like that at the beggining at all,i was seeing the feelings and the interest,i was the one holding myself back and showing him i use him for sex.

 

and yes i should find out what kind if feelings are those he says he has,cause i do have feelings for my friends too.

 

from the other side not fighting for the one u like is easy and leaving/giving up easier...but nothing comes free in this life,everything needs a hustle,thats how u appreciate it more when u have it...at this case im unsure too if i ll ever have it

[sammie234]

whats weird to me is why he s not communicating with me to hang out and talk about all these, since he said he would,and he wouldnt have a reason not to...he has just gotten lost,i cant explain this. cause even if he didnt want to hang out,he wouldnt have suggested it at the first place.

and at the end of the day if what he wants is only sex why he s not admitting it,cause i did ask him before if thats what he only wants,and he answered to all of these times that,this is not what he only wants. he said he just wants to be relaxed have fun and live the moments,he said we dont have to do sex...so what is happening?

[snowflakes88]

but nothing comes free in this life,everything needs a hustle,thats how u appreciate it more when u have it...at this case im unsure too if i ll ever have it

 

Read that back to yourself. You're the only one hustling. You're the only one fighting. You're throwing yourself at him... he isn't having to work or fight for you. In a healthy relationship, TWO people are working. You can't care enough for the both of you. It is impossible and will never work.

[edgygirl]

Guys are always nice in the beginning. Until they bed you. Then they are less nice in case they're not that into you.

 

You don't need to find out what his feelings are as they are not enough for the relationship you want. He made it clear. There's not much to find out.

 

A woman should not fight for the guy's love. If you have to fight before there's even a relationship, it doesn't exist. And no, you won't have it. Move on.

 

You are blind and don't want to see reality. I rest my case.

[Eternal Sunshine]

This reminds of a man that told me that he has feelings for me like he would have for a sister. Yet our whole relationship was based on sex.

 

[Divasu]

This reminds of a man that told me that he has feelings for me like he would have for a sister. Yet our whole relationship was based on sex.

 

 

Eweee.