runningfar Posted December 23, 2012 Posted December 23, 2012 So things have been going very well with my boyfriend... Yep, here it comes, BUT. I have mentioned before how I'm very active and had some medical issues that led to a significant weight gain. I now have a BMI of a hair over 28 (size 8 dress) My boyfriend has no problem with that. He can recognize that I'm a little chubbier than some other girls, but gets irate when I call myself fat... and thinks I'm sexy as I am. He could care less if I lose weight. In fact, at this point, he told me to stop trying. He says that if I haven't lost weight as things are (eating healthful foods and spending most my days very active), then this is where my body should be and he doesn't want to hear about me trying to lose weight anymore and he doesn't like me avoiding situations and things in which indulgance is normal. (I don't drink alcohol or eat junk food, or most restaurants. I cannot eat like most people. I will be even heavier.) Thing is,I am not sure he has the right to say that. I am not happy where I am. Most of my life, I was fit looking. I am not some skinny girl who cannot see herself accurately. We are at odds now. I said I could keep my thoughts to myself but I am not satisfied and I cannot change that. He is rather insistant, and thinks it is an unhealthy obsession. He even suggested I go see a psychologist, which resulted in me storming out on him. (Immature, I know. I apologized for that.) I do care how he feels... but I feel like this is my own body and my own right. Am I being unreasonable here? I am touchy on this issue, and he puts up with plenty in regards to how much I like to be on the move and how little I like sitting still without my additional weight concerns restricting things. I can see that. Suggestions are appreciated.
CptSaveAho Posted December 23, 2012 Posted December 23, 2012 Nope you aren't being unreasonable He's not listening to your feelings on the subject and dismissing them. He should instead understand how you feel, validate that you have the right to feel that way and encourage you to help you with your goal
tigressA Posted December 24, 2012 Posted December 24, 2012 To an extent, he has a point. Size 8 is NOT fat. I'm not surprised at all that he gets pissy with you for saying you are fat because it is ridiculous. I don't agree with his chiding you for avoiding situations where indulgences are normal--he needs to curb that. Basically, both of you are at fault. He needs to be more supportive of your lifestyle, and you need to quit displaying such insecurity over your body.
FitChick Posted December 24, 2012 Posted December 24, 2012 What are your measurements now and what were they before? Sizes are irrelevant since they are all over the map these days. Today's size 8 is yesterday's size 12. Many women would consider you lucky that your man doesn't care if you gain weight. However, I'm like you in that I have to like my body since I'm living in it! Stop talking about it. Men don't like to hear women whining. Just eat what you want without obviously dieting. You can indulge if you balance it out later by eating lower calorie foods. That is what I do so I can still lose weight if I need to without feeling deprived.
edgygirl Posted December 24, 2012 Posted December 24, 2012 Many men don't understand the pressure we are put on. But if you can't stop talking about it, I understand why he'd get annoyed. Size 8 is definitely not fat, but it's closer to a size 14 than a size 0... and with age things can easily go downhill because of metabolism. My ex loved going out for dinners and cooking for me and I became chubby. When the relationship ends, you're left in the cold world with less options of men who'd date you. Keep trying but be less vocal about it. It's a less than interesting subject for people around you, specially men. Btw, if you are getting no results, it's probably because you're eating too many carbs (40gr+ per day) and too little protein.
HighFlight12 Posted December 24, 2012 Posted December 24, 2012 (edited) I think he has a valid point, every girl i ever dated has told me that they were fat and it's very unattractive. Think about it, it's kinda like a man telling his woman "why are you with me, when you can do so much better?" Nothing wrong with trying to be at a content of comfort level with your body, it's your body! But....don't continue to nag and be obsessed over it and bring it to his attention, it's a complete turn off. Hope this helps. Oh yeh, it wouldn't be bad to ask him if he'd workout with you. But I will tell you that he is more than pleased with your appearance. If he wasn't then he'd probably leave you, or get you in the gym. Personally for me, if I really like a woman, and she is having trouble with her wait, and we both agree, I would workout with her to show support if she is serious about dropping the weight, and we both win in the end. But like I said, he is more than pleased with you, so don't ruin it over your insecurities, remain active as you have. Edited December 24, 2012 by HighFlight12
Imajerk17 Posted December 24, 2012 Posted December 24, 2012 (edited) runningfar: Is your boyfriend an athlete? And how did you meet him and what made him ask you out? These I think are relevant questions. Yes it is your body and it is your right to try to lose weight. Meanwhile, as a guy it's extremely annoying when a girl talks her appearance down. How would you feel if your boyfriend were talking himself down? So I say stop it! I disagree with edgygirl that this is pressure put upon you, this is pressure YOU WOMEN PUT UPON YOURSELVES. To many many men, 5'4" well-proportioned size 8 is perfect. Edited December 24, 2012 by Imajerk17
Author runningfar Posted December 24, 2012 Author Posted December 24, 2012 I think he has a valid point, every girl i ever dated has told me that they were fat and it's very unattractive. Think about it, it's kinda like a man telling his woman "why are you with me, when you can do so much better?" Nothing wrong with trying to be at a content of comfort level with your body, it's your body! But....don't continue to nag and be obsessed over it and bring it to his attention, it's a complete turn off. Hope this helps. Oh yeh, it wouldn't be bad to ask him if he'd workout with you. But I will tell you that he is more than pleased with your appearance. If he wasn't then he'd probably leave you, or get you in the gym. Personally for me, if I really like a woman, and she is having trouble with her wait, and we both agree, I would workout with her to show support if she is serious about dropping the weight, and we both win in the end. But like I said, he is more than pleased with you, so don't ruin it over your insecurities, remain active as you have. Well, we both are very active. We do run together for his 30-40 miles a week and I do the rest on my own, and he'll come with me hiking or rock climbing, and he is supportive at my ultramarathons and I started krav with him. I teach fitness for a living so getting me active is not a problem. Fitgirl, the normal stuff people do does not work for me. It hasn't ever, really, but especially not since the weight gain. It takes an extra level of dedication to not be heavier - and wanting to lose weight adds more. I'm 165 lb. Measurements are 38-28-39. I'm short so that's chubbier than it looks on someone who is 5'9. My waist is 4" bigger than it was... Though, I do eat more than 40 g. of carbohydrates a day, Edgy Girl. I can't imagine eating that few. I think I would pass out during my run. I guess I'd rather be fat than give up any of my activity in any way. The crossfit people tried that and I hated it.
CptSaveAho Posted December 24, 2012 Posted December 24, 2012 What you guys dont understand because you dont "LISTEN" is she doesnt feel secure in the relationship That's what she's saying. She's projecting it on to her weight. This is one of the things guy's never catch on to. If you have ever had a girlfriend and she's mad and blaming you for something stupid... her anger is probably not even related to anything "YOU" did. It probably has to do with a thought she had 3 years ago and she just is looking for validation for it. It's not about their words, it's about their emotions... how they feel...
Author runningfar Posted December 24, 2012 Author Posted December 24, 2012 runningfar: Is your boyfriend an athlete? And how did you meet him and what made him ask you out? These I think are relevant questions.. He is active. I met him at a race. I beat him; he approached for training advice. We were friends first for a long time because I wasn't dating anybody. I was actually a little heavier at that moment. I assume he asked me out when I said I was putting myself back onto the dating market to save me the humiliation of online dating. (I am totally kidding right here.)
CptSaveAho Posted December 24, 2012 Posted December 24, 2012 He is active. I met him at a race. I beat him; he approached for training advice. We were friends first for a long time because I wasn't dating anybody. I was actually a little heavier at that moment. I assume he asked me out when I said I was putting myself back onto the dating market to save me the humiliation of online dating. (I am totally kidding right here.) Aww that's cute...
todreaminblue Posted December 24, 2012 Posted December 24, 2012 (edited) So things have been going very well with my boyfriend... Yep, here it comes, BUT. I have mentioned before how I'm very active and had some medical issues that led to a significant weight gain. I now have a BMI of a hair over 28 (size 8 dress) My boyfriend has no problem with that. He can recognize that I'm a little chubbier than some other girls, but gets irate when I call myself fat... and thinks I'm sexy as I am. He could care less if I lose weight. In fact, at this point, he told me to stop trying. He says that if I haven't lost weight as things are (eating healthful foods and spending most my days very active), then this is where my body should be and he doesn't want to hear about me trying to lose weight anymore and he doesn't like me avoiding situations and things in which indulgance is normal. (I don't drink alcohol or eat junk food, or most restaurants. I cannot eat like most people. I will be even heavier.) Thing is,I am not sure he has the right to say that. I am not happy where I am. Most of my life, I was fit looking. I am not some skinny girl who cannot see herself accurately. We are at odds now. I said I could keep my thoughts to myself but I am not satisfied and I cannot change that. He is rather insistant, and thinks it is an unhealthy obsession. He even suggested I go see a psychologist, which resulted in me storming out on him. (Immature, I know. I apologized for that.) I do care how he feels... but I feel like this is my own body and my own right. Am I being unreasonable here? I am touchy on this issue, and he puts up with plenty in regards to how much I like to be on the move and how little I like sitting still without my additional weight concerns restricting things. I can see that. Suggestions are appreciated. The last two relationships i have been in have involved athletes basically....extremely sporty fit guys.....i am a curvy girl when i am not overweight and have those curves hidden.....i have tried to be skinny i just end up bony and have been told that i will never be thin the smallest i will ever be is a ten top and 12 bottom....the reason why i know this is my hips you could see bone and shoulder blades and collarbone were prominant face bordered on gaunt... soemtimes i woudl like to see if i could push that theory of me never beign skinny just to prove someone wrong....but i have to accept what i am....the guys i was with never told me i was beautiful sexy yeah i dont find that a compliment......they commented on others beauty....if you have a boyfriend who finds you beautiful the way you are do you find comfort in that and why do you feel the need to change.....an active life is good....i am more active than my kids......and i am overweight.....when i lose my excess weight they wont keep up with me...they struggle now...i would hope I found a guy who was happy with me the way i am thought me beautiful even though i will be curvy.....and enjoyed being active with me in every way....lol....getting stupid having water fights having fun getting frisky.....life is too short to be worried if your boyfriend likes your body or not...rather concentrate on something else.....you are lucky to have a guy who appreciates you as you are no ribbons or bows...just an active life to share together .....when you dotn have that......that guy who appreciates you....you realise how unimportant having a smaller body is and how much nicer it would be for a guy to just accept you for you....GO GIRL you already got it....enjoy him and you together..hugs....deb Edited December 24, 2012 by todreaminblue
edgygirl Posted December 24, 2012 Posted December 24, 2012 Wow CptSaveAho - you have feelings! Shocked Hehe, I agree that the main topic here is her relationship with bf. But being where she wants physically is good for her mental sanity. And it's scary how much weight we start to gain with age. So she should take care of it. I ate 40g carbs per day only for an entire year (it is not that hard after you get used to!) and around 60-80 gr of protein. I am down to 120 on 5'4. It works miracles! Just sayin'. The protein could help you with the exercise even more than the carbs. You could log in everything you eat at myfitnesspal.com - they have an app too and most food items, it helps a lot to see where/if you're going overboard. AND they have forums where you can discuss your weight instead of nagging the bf
Eternal Sunshine Posted December 24, 2012 Posted December 24, 2012 You are not going to pass out from eating 40g of carbs a day. You also seem to do tons of cardio and no resistance training. What worked for me, and I am hard pressed to think that it won't work for everyone is: 1) Eat high protein/low carb diet. Eat "clean". Don't even have to count calories that way. 2) Heavy weights resistance training: 3x week around 40 minutes. Building lean muscle mass will raise your metabolic rate like nothing else. And you will look more toned too. Cardio is largely irrelevant. BMI of 28 does say that you are overweight. Being a size 8 and short IS overweight and not healthy for you.
GLDheart Posted December 24, 2012 Posted December 24, 2012 High protein/ Low Carb worked for me too. I have kept a photo diary of the progress. It was the key to getting nice sculpted abs.
Eternal Sunshine Posted December 24, 2012 Posted December 24, 2012 High protein/ Low Carb worked for me too. I have kept a photo diary of the progress. It was the key to getting nice sculpted abs. Absolutely. Eating is the key. You can kill yourself with cardio and get nowhere if you are eating lots of carbs.
Author runningfar Posted December 24, 2012 Author Posted December 24, 2012 (edited) You are not going to pass out from eating 40g of carbs a day. You also seem to do tons of cardio and no resistance training. What worked for me, and I am hard pressed to think that it won't work for everyone is: 1) Eat high protein/low carb diet. Eat "clean". Don't even have to count calories that way. 2) Heavy weights resistance training: 3x week around 40 minutes. Building lean muscle mass will raise your metabolic rate like nothing else. And you will look more toned too. Cardio is largely irrelevant. BMI of 28 does say that you are overweight. Being a size 8 and short IS overweight and not healthy for you. I do weight train. Crossfit 1x per week and supersets full body free weights on 1 day and am using weights while teaching boot Camp. I also rock climb several times a week which is more strength than cardio. My body fat test had me at 124 lb lean body mass. Which means little with 40 lb of fat, though it isn't from sitting and doing nothing. I could care less what cardio means for weight. I enjoy it. I compete. I would rather be fat than give that up. forever. Maybe I wouldn't pass out on the 40 g. I average over 10 miles a day running and teach classes and do my other things which makes it different than if I just lifted and hit the elliptical for 40 minutes. I will leave that to my nutritionist though. Assuming I am right in sticking to it and not going with what my boyfriend says to do. Edited December 24, 2012 by runningfar
FitChick Posted December 24, 2012 Posted December 24, 2012 (edited) What was your medical problem and what pharmaceuticals are you taking? You might want to see an endocrinologist. How many calories are you eating daily? Maybe you are eating too few for your activity level so your body is clinging onto the fat. You can try calorie rotation (more calories one day, fewer the next but averaging out to a lower amount than you are eating now). If you do HIIT you can run less with better results. I tried to find an online article about a woman who was extremely fit but had a fat layer. She either did sprints or HIIT and the before and after photos were amazing. I'd go online to some running forums or fitness forums and ask for advice. I can lose weight eating carbs. For me it's the total calories. I don't do cardio beyond walking a mile and a half to two miles a few times per week. I do weights every other day. So my activity level remains the same and I gain or lose weight based on what I eat. Like now, I'm eating ice cream, cookies, cake, all sorts of Christmas crap and have gained two or three pounds. Not a surprise and I feel terrible but I plan to take it off in January like the rest of the world! Edited December 24, 2012 by FitChick
PogoStick Posted December 24, 2012 Posted December 24, 2012 I'm a personal trainer with a bachelors in exercise science. I was working with a girl who was around 5'3 and 180 who fit in size 8 jeans. Doesn't matter it's still overweight as she had 4 inches rolling over her belt. I imagine you'd feel more confident in that profession if you were a healthier weight. Thing is if you're having this much trouble now then it's going to really hit as you become less active with age and children. If you're really that active then it must be your eating habits. I'm not a fan of low carb and it's such a fad IMO. It's a horrible suggestion for an athlete. I'm a fan of a normal balanced plan focused more on better food choices than specific macros. Get fiber and protein in every meal. Meat+veggies, fruit+nuts, those kind of combos fill you up. Just get processed foods out of your life, anything that's boxed or prepared. Learn to eat smaller portions because 400 calories will feel just as full as 600. Save those 200 and eat them and hour or 2 later to keep you full. If your bodyfat measurement (skin fold?) is correct then you're a naturally thicker girl. I'd guess you only need to lose 10-15 pounds of fat. 140 is probably the lowest that would be healthy for you. Finally, you said your bf is active but you didn't mention his size either. He might be worried that if you start achieving your goals that he will feel pressure to change his habits too. Also, he's likely worried that you will become more attractive and confident, making it more likely you'll leave him for another guy. These are both his issues to deal with, but how you support and reassure him could make the difference of whether your relationship survives. Bottom line: No excuses. Achieve your goals! Then decide if he's someone you care enough to work on the relationship with.
Eternal Sunshine Posted December 24, 2012 Posted December 24, 2012 I thought low carb was just a fad a fought against it for years.., then I actually tried it. I never saw fat melting off + muscle definition faster. 2
CptObvious Posted December 24, 2012 Posted December 24, 2012 He's an ass man and he's got a taste for thicker girls. Another mystery solved, batman.
Eternal Sunshine Posted December 24, 2012 Posted December 24, 2012 He's an ass man and he's got a taste for thicker girls. Another mystery solved, batman. I rarely agree with this guy but this could be true. A guy told me this year that he wishes I was bigger. I am not thin so I was thinking WTF who likes fat girls? It turned out he likes really big asses :/
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