Simon Phoenix Posted December 24, 2012 Posted December 24, 2012 wow thanks guys for all the insight. yeah im starting NC today. one more question: some of you said that if i dont tell her im doing NC, that her opinion of me may lower. ive read other places that it increases her missing me, and realizing what shes lost. i think they call it "risk of loss". will it make her think badly of me, or will it make her realize she really wants me? only time will tell, i guess... thanks again, guys! i love all the insight! I didn't tell, I just stopped contacting.
Simon Phoenix Posted December 24, 2012 Posted December 24, 2012 What is funny is you get to a point in NC where you CAN'T ever contact again...on either side b-cuz what was done is done, and bonds/ties were severed. There is no common ground anymore.....and nothing to say, argue or discuss. You basically go back to being strangers. Always opt for the amicable route to NC by stating you want it and why. I think it causes less pain in the long run for both parties. I don't agree with the "lack of common ground" thing at all. I've had two long NCs previous to the one I'm in right now and neither one of them resulted in what you posted. I had one from an extremely toxic end to a relationship that went a year, then three months after the one year NC was broken, both of which happened without discussion. And those NCs served as reset buttons -- I saw her and it was like we had just first met, all of the same attraction and flirtation from the beginning was back. We didn't end up going out again, though she as the dumper gave me every reason to, but we ended up friends and still interact occasionally. The second one was 4-5 months to a relationship that ended pretty awkwardly with some hard feelings. Seeing her then was fine because we had pretty much gotten over the negativity and we able to interact as friends. And that was another one where I didn't announce why I went NC -- the dumper knows what you are doing and why you are doing it. Announcing it makes it seem more like a stunt than genuine IMO. But yeah, sorry about another rant (I'm apparently on fire in this thread), but I don't think there is a such thing has never being able to contact again and I don't think previous feelings are ever completely expunged. I think once someone imprints themselves on you it remains in some way. Heck, my sister is now living with a boyfriend who she didn't talk to except for the occasional "hello" in social situations for 7-8 months. I have a friend who's marrying a woman who he was broken up with for over a year after a short relationship that he had little to no contact with during the break. I realize both of these things are rare cases and what's broke stays broken usually, but my experiences counteract your post.
Sugarkane Posted December 24, 2012 Posted December 24, 2012 The problem is one person then has to break NC. They have to get back together for the right reasons and actually worked out how they screwed it up. And who didn't appreciate what they had. Doesn't really happen that often on here. I wouldn't wait, you could waste you're whole life waiting for an ex. andI don't agree with the "lack of common ground" thing at all. I've had two long NCs previous to the one I'm in right now and neither one of them resulted in what you posted. I had one from an extremely toxic end to a relationship that went a year, then three months after the one year NC was broken, both of which happened without discussion. And those NCs served as reset buttons -- I saw her and it was like we had just first met, all of the same attraction and flirtation from the beginning was back. We didn't end up going out again, though she as the dumper gave me every reason to, but we ended up friends and still interact occasionally. The second one was 4-5 months to a relationship that ended pretty awkwardly with some hard feelings. Seeing her then was fine because we had pretty much gotten over the negativity and we able to interact as friends. And that was another one where I didn't announce why I went NC -- the dumper knows what you are doing and why you are doing it. Announcing it makes it seem more like a stunt than genuine IMO. But yeah, sorry about another rant (I'm apparently on fire in this thread), but I don't think there is a such thing has never being able to contact again and I don't think previous feelings are ever completely expunged. I think once someone imprints themselves on you it remains in some way. Heck, my sister is now living with a boyfriend who she didn't talk to except for the occasional "hello" in social situations for 7-8 months. I have a friend who's marrying a woman who he was broken up with for over a year after a short relationship that he had little to no contact with during the break. I realize both of these things are rare cases and what's broke stays broken usually, but my experiences counteract your post.
Sugarkane Posted December 24, 2012 Posted December 24, 2012 I wondered why they were extremely vindictive when they were the dumper. I wondered why they threw everything away like I was garbage.
plee61 Posted December 24, 2012 Posted December 24, 2012 My dumper txt me for a BU, he basically said "we don't match". I didn't response and haven't heard from him since. It hurts to know he cares so little about me. That is the NC I honoured my dumper. It has been two months since NC, should I send him a greeting message for Christmas and New Year ?
movingon12 Posted December 24, 2012 Posted December 24, 2012 When my ex and I broke up, I turned into a crazy person and he pretty much went LC (he'd reply sometimes but usually not). do you do all the classic wondering? do they have a new person? do they miss me at all? etc etc. It was all I could think about. I'd go into his facebook (I had his password - he knew I had his password, he'd changed his email password but not his fb password - even though they were the same) just to try and work out what he was doing. I spent hours wondering what he was doing, and did he have a new girlfriend, and where was he now, and what was he wearing, and was he eating properly and was he healthy, should I just go back to our house to check he was ok blah blah blah it drove me CRAZY!!!!! I cannot BELIEVE I used to do that. Really. What was wrong with me? He was a twat. how often did you almost contact them, and decide against it? At the beginning I didn't know about NC, so I used to email him at least daily. Then I realised he wasn't going to reply so I did it less often. A year and a half later, the roles reversed and he started contacting me all the time, so I got to ignore him instead. That was satisfying 2
movingon12 Posted December 24, 2012 Posted December 24, 2012 some of you said that if i dont tell her im doing NC, that her opinion of me may lower. Nonsense - she dumped you, she already has a low opinion of you, this isn't going to make it lower. If anything, she'll be glad you're not making things difficult for her. ive read other places that it increases her missing me, and realizing what shes lost. i think they call it "risk of loss".Nonsense - if she's going to miss you, she'll miss you. She doesn't need you to tell her you're not speaking to her, she'll know you're not speaking to her! The only reason to tell a dumper that you want to go NC is if the dumper is clearly concerned about how you are going to manage. If they are likely to keep contacting you every couple of days with 'are you ok?' / 'do you want to meet up?' / 'you're really great!' messages, then it's a good idea to tell them in advance that you would rather they didn't. If the dumper is unlikely to contact you anyway (apart from when they're drunk/dumped/want to hook up) don't bother. DO NOT tell them you're going NC in the hope they'll change their mind. They won't. 1
cavalier99 Posted December 24, 2012 Posted December 24, 2012 (edited) Im NC almost 3 months. Got an email 2 days ago from her (dumper) Apparently she remember me super fondly ? and especially misses MY DOG! And would like to talk some day. So she does think about me. Wish she wouldn't. I told her early on i was going dark in harsh terms. Still didn't stop her form trying to mind f-k me. She probably just is sad im not friend zoned. She could always do this with her other exs and keep them on the back burner just in case. F her. Edited December 24, 2012 by cavalier99
mgce Posted December 24, 2012 Posted December 24, 2012 Nonsense - she dumped you, she already has a low opinion of you, this isn't going to make it lower. If anything, she'll be glad you're not making things difficult for her. Ach! Words twisted around everywhere! There is *no* reason to think she has a low opinion of you. Dumping someone does *not* mean you look down on someone. It's how you react to the breakup that subsequently raises / lowers their opinion of you. Anyway, I was the one who said *my* opinion lowered when my ex didn't clearly communicate her NC needs. That was very specific to my situation and had to do with how she swooped in hard, then swooped out hard. i.e. she was being unreasonably volatile. Under the circumstances, it's absolutely fine for you to stay NC as-is. Only consider sending her a message if she keeps on reaching out to you. Even then, only if she reaches out to you more than 2 or 3 times without a response. Here's what you should do now: have a nice Christmas, and be with those friends / family / pets who make you happy. You're in great shape now with regards to your ex. 2
cavalier99 Posted December 24, 2012 Posted December 24, 2012 (edited) Would you have her back cavalier? Hmm. That is a interesting question and I haven't truly truly considered this. First of all because she dumped me for a new guy, I haven't really considered this to be an option. So my sole focus has been on totally getting over her 100%. I have IMAGINED her wanting to get back together and me telling her why we cant. However, whenever I think this, it is to heal and feel stronger. Now in reality. If she ACTUALLY came back begging to get back together and was totally on her knees, apologetic, and would do ANYTHING to make things work? I would say that my HEART would say yes and I would like the comfort of getting back and this seems sooo appealing. ....but my BRAIN says NO! And I would go with my brain on this one. So the FINAL answer is NO! I will not get back together with her even if she begs. And, believe me, I truly think if things don't work with her new BF there is a VERY good chance she tries to reconnect with me for a relationship. We have been thru this before to an extent before. There is too much water under the bridge. and I really cant get sucked back into the VORTEX of this girl. We (or I) have gone thru to many things to truly recover. We might have another year or 2 left but at the end of the day it wont work. So it is time to move on. I need to purge her from my brain and accept that it will never work out between us even after so much time together. It is better to start anew by myself and eventually with somebody else without so much baggage form the past. Sort of Sad. sigh ..but I guess exciting at the same time to start anew..at least I hope soo Edited December 24, 2012 by cavalier99
Amelie1980 Posted December 24, 2012 Posted December 24, 2012 That's what I thought cavalier. I'm supposed to be on a break from my bf started by him. I know its over though. However the break has been a very dangerous thing for me because the more I think about it, the more I wonder if I could have him back knowing what he said about me.
cavalier99 Posted December 24, 2012 Posted December 24, 2012 That's what I thought cavalier. I'm supposed to be on a break from my bf started by him. I know its over though. However the break has been a very dangerous thing for me because the more I think about it, the more I wonder if I could have him back knowing what he said about me. Good for you. Keep yourself self respect. I am learning the hard way that this is something that we should NEVER give away. Not even for a relationship or person however much we love them.
Amelie1980 Posted December 24, 2012 Posted December 24, 2012 Both of us could take or exes back just to dump them?!
Author sotoman Posted December 24, 2012 Author Posted December 24, 2012 movingon12, i like what you said: Nonsense - if she's going to miss you, she'll miss you. She doesn't need you to tell her you're not speaking to her, she'll know you're not speaking to her! The only reason to tell a dumper that you want to go NC is if the dumper is clearly concerned about how you are going to manage. If they are likely to keep contacting you every couple of days with 'are you ok?' / 'do you want to meet up?' / 'you're really great!' messages, then it's a good idea to tell them in advance that you would rather they didn't. i also like what mgce says: Under the circumstances, it's absolutely fine for you to stay NC as-is. Only consider sending her a message if she keeps on reaching out to you. Even then, only if she reaches out to you more than 2 or 3 times without a response. i realize that its not about finding what i like. but she is contacting me everyday, so what ill do is exactly what you two have said. again, either way, NC is win / win, isnt it?
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