sotoman Posted December 23, 2012 Posted December 23, 2012 has anyone been on the receiving end of NC? what are the thoughts that went thru your head when it was going on? does it drive you as crazy as they say it does? did it make you take any kind of action?
Phoe Posted December 23, 2012 Posted December 23, 2012 Yes I have been on the receiving end on NC. It confused me at first... made me feel as though I was suddenly very unimportant to him, which hurt...I did attempt to reach out maybe 2-3 times, naturally received no response, before realizing it was useless. Overall it helped me move on a LOT faster than during the breakups where both of us would continue to contact each other sporadically (which was dumb in every case). So overall, I think NC is a great thing haha. 1
KraftDinner Posted December 23, 2012 Posted December 23, 2012 I did. I was dating this guy...it was really intense at first. We lived together for a while, my family helped him, we were very close for a couple years. (This is the abridged version.) Then apparently he went back to his ex and rather than breaking up with me, he stopped talking to me. Totally cowardly, especially since my family had helped him so much and I'd never been anything but good to him. Once I got ahold of him by accident (he didn't know it was me calling), like a few days after he'd gone NC. I was like, what's up? And he still didn't have the balls to just end it with me. I asked if he was still my bf, and he said YES!! Then he's like, well, a bunch of us are going out tonight. Why don't you come? I said sure. He said he'd hop in the shower and call me back. Never heard from him again. Honestly, for about a week I was really hurting and confused. But then it was so obvious he was done with me...and I truly got over him like 3 weeks later. It was so final - much easier for me to move on than if he'd strung me along of feigned some sort of frienship. 1
MyAngel Posted December 23, 2012 Posted December 23, 2012 Yes am currently in No Contact, initiated by my ex. I had no say in it and i havent contacted since although I want to and I'm thinking about it. I didn't get to say my goodbye at all. It is hard and yet I know it's needed to get over it. Not speaking at ALL will probably make the pain go quicker but I still love my ex. 1
mgce Posted December 23, 2012 Posted December 23, 2012 I am currently on the receiving end of No Contact. It's probably been about 6 months since she said "don't contact me any more". At this point, it saddens me that we had to end on such bad terms, but NC made it 10,000 times easier for me to move on, forgive myself, and forgive her. She's a less important part of my life every day, and there are already people that fill much of the emotional space she once did. I now feel sorry for her more than anything. Her continued need for no contact tells me she still hurts from the past. So I guess the lesson is that NC really helps you move on no matter who initiated it. And in some ways it's easier if it was initiated on you, because you never have to agonize over whether / when to reach out to them again. The ball's in their court, so you just go and life your life and never worry about whether it was the right decision. 1
Forever Learning Posted December 23, 2012 Posted December 23, 2012 Yes I've been on both ends. It hurts but it really is the best tool for healing and moving on in MANY traumatic/ turmoil type situations, which ends up being many of these situations in relationship break ups. Most folks are not mature and stable enough to have an amicable agreement to end on a friendly basis, but some folks are and some situations can end peacefully and the people can stay in casual contact.
Author sotoman Posted December 23, 2012 Author Posted December 23, 2012 thanks for your responses, but what id like to know is what exactly is going through your mind while youre in no contact. do you do all the classic wondering? do they have a new person? do they miss me at all? etc etc. how often did you almost contact them, and decide against it? im starting no contact on my ex as of today. i guess i would like insight as to what she might go thru. im the dumpee, by the way.
Keenly Posted December 23, 2012 Posted December 23, 2012 Hurt my feelings at first, but it was for the better. Sadness was replaced with hate, and then indifference, and then just the good memories remained. 1
terlislee Posted December 23, 2012 Posted December 23, 2012 Yes I got dumped twice by the other person going NC without any warning. First time it messed me up horribly, I spent over a year in therapy, I just didn't get it at all. Second time was this summer and it's been tough again. The only way I started healing was when I went completely NC myself, stopped trying to reach out asking for a reason and basically erased them and all mutual friends from my life. The feelings of broken trust, betrayal, confusion, worthlesness and hurt are still there though, even from the first break up a few years back. 1
Hopeful714 Posted December 23, 2012 Posted December 23, 2012 Going on 4 mos NC now. Everything goes through your mind w NC and what you feel changes as the weeks progress. I AM SO GLAD I never broke it. It spoke so much more than any words I could have ever said. Funny tho, I always thought I'd think back fondly about some of the nice memories we shared but really.....the only feeling I have left for him is disgust.
na49 Posted December 23, 2012 Posted December 23, 2012 Not really, right after my ex dumped me I was constantly bothering her, asking her questions, insulting her and her friends. She never really initiated NC, but after she had her friend call me and tell me to stop bothering her. (She couldn't talk to me herself?) I stopped talking to her for almost two weeks. I came back, begging like a dog with some desperate text that said something like "sorry for bothering you, blah blah blah I want to be friends, I haven't moved on but think being your friend will make you want me again blah blah blah" That failed miserably and I started NC after we had a small disagreement where I asked her to not talk about her new boyfriends to me because I don't like it. She told me her new friends are better than me and that's the last conversation I've had with that evil witch. If you consider the fact that she hasn't spoken to me much/if at all, then yes NC is being done to me. but I think I was the one who initiated it, and proudly haven't broken it.
MyAngel Posted December 23, 2012 Posted December 23, 2012 . The feelings of broken trust, betrayal, confusion, worthlesness and hurt are still there though, even from the first break up a few years back. Yes I am feeling all this too but I'm still in the early stages. You wonder what you meant to them at all if it is so easy to walk away. You question everything. 1
MyAngel Posted December 23, 2012 Posted December 23, 2012 do you do all the classic wondering? do they have a new person? do they miss me at all? etc etc. how often did you almost contact them, and decide against it? Are you looking for a dumpers insight or dumpees?
NavyAirTraffic Posted December 23, 2012 Posted December 23, 2012 All these posts are from the dumpees perspective. What you're looking for the dumpers perspective. I've never contacted women I have dumped, well not for several years after the fact. So, has anyone dump somebody, then been on the receiving end of NC? (that's the question you should be asking) 1
Author sotoman Posted December 23, 2012 Author Posted December 23, 2012 i myself am a dumpee, and i want to know what she may be thinking or feeling, now that ive initiated NC. im also interested in the dumpers insight as well. today is the first day, i havent told her that im starting NC. or should i tell her im cutting her off? my heart hopes that she will realize she cant be without me, but i realize that it may be the end. either way, i need the NC.
sweetkiwi Posted December 23, 2012 Posted December 23, 2012 Yes. I am currently on the end of NC. And i broke up with him. Several years ago. After a break we had developed a nice friendly rapport. But sometime around July he completely stopped responding to my emails. The things i think: I hope he's okay. (then he tattoos my sister) Glad he's okay. Guess he doesn't like me right now. (he's done this before and i understand the pattern) And probably other men have gone NC on me but i didn't notice.
Hopeful714 Posted December 23, 2012 Posted December 23, 2012 I would say I have and that the breakup was mutual. He was cheating & got busted. He kept calling me, I stopped talking to him, then he stopped calling. A few weeks passed and I contacted looking for closure. I got blown off. A few more wks go by and I get the "I'm sorry" text from him. I never replied. It was GAME OVER for me....and I have since fell off the earth to him. Yes, I did all the classic wondering, and am sure he is with someone else as I know he can't be alone. NC IS AWFUL...but it is needed... and it works for certain (usually ugly) situations to get yourself back together. My preference would have been for a civilized BU where an honest talk was had, but truth is that is just sometimes impossible. I am completely happy with my NC choice at this time and will NEVER break it.
Sugarkane Posted December 24, 2012 Posted December 24, 2012 Dumped by text after a year. NC 2 + years now. Dating someone who isn't a jerk, cheater and massive coward. 1
mgce Posted December 24, 2012 Posted December 24, 2012 Yes, I was the dumper and had NC initiated on me. Aside from what I said in my earlier message... - I've absolutely wondered if she's with a new person. But the NC situation also makes it really easy to realize wondering does no good, and to push that wondering away. Either she does or she doesn't; her life really isn't my business now. - I absolutely miss her and feel bad we're on such bad terms now. I miss that much more than the relationship itself. I really wanted things to end gracefully and respectfully. That's my greatest ongoing source of pain (although it's easier and easier to put that pain to rest, shrug my shoulders, and say "it is what it is"). - I still think about her every day. She'll always be one of the most important influences in my life, and in who I am today Of course I'll never forget that, or her. - When she first launched NC, I felt very disappointed in her and for the first time felt she didn't have her act together as much as I thought she did. Admittedly, this followed a volatile period where she *actively* tried to get in touch with me, then did a 180 degree turnaround and asked for NC. I felt that she pointlessly stirred up pain for both of us and I resented her for that for some time. - I never once came close to contacting her. She requested NC quite clearly and, in spite of everything, I will absolutely honor that request forever. I'll always respect her enough to honor that request faithfully. But let me reiterate again: I'm not worse off as a result of this happening to me. I'm much better off. NC works wonders *for both parties*. You'll get much more over your ex by invoking it. But she'll get more over you too. Don't expect otherwise. Good luck.
mgce Posted December 24, 2012 Posted December 24, 2012 Oh. I just saw you didn't tell her you're initiating NC. You have no obligation to tell her. But I think it's best for future good will between you two if you send a quick, clear message like "I'm going to cease contact with you, as I need to do this to heal. Please don't interpret this as a slight against you. Good luck to you". If you're willing. Before my ex sent me her NC message, there were a few rounds where she dropped contact but didn't communicate this to me and I felt very jerked around by her. It really increased my resentment for her at the time and just burned bridges unnecessarily. It showed a lack of respect that lowered my opinion of her. 2
Hopeful714 Posted December 24, 2012 Posted December 24, 2012 What is funny is you get to a point in NC where you CAN'T ever contact again...on either side b-cuz what was done is done, and bonds/ties were severed. There is no common ground anymore.....and nothing to say, argue or discuss. You basically go back to being strangers. Always opt for the amicable route to NC by stating you want it and why. I think it causes less pain in the long run for both parties.
monicaelise Posted December 24, 2012 Posted December 24, 2012 (edited) I was the dumper. I don't really care what he's thinking or feeling right now. Occasionally I have an impulse to contact him but then I think about what would happen if I followed through with it and realize I don't actually want to deal with him at all. I just don't have the time or patience to deal with his baggage, even as a friend, right now. Maybe in time I'll feel differently, but mostly it's just a relief to not have the stress of someone else's illness to deal with anymore. Oh he hasn't contacted me since Thanksgiving btw. I don't know if he's consciously made the choice to go into NC mode, but I certainly am okay with the absence of contact, whether it's conscious or he's just gone into isolation mode. Edited December 24, 2012 by monicaelise 1
na49 Posted December 24, 2012 Posted December 24, 2012 What is funny is you get to a point in NC where you CAN'T ever contact again...on either side b-cuz what was done is done, and bonds/ties were severed. There is no common ground anymore.....and nothing to say, argue or discuss. You basically go back to being strangers. Always opt for the amicable route to NC by stating you want it and why. I think it causes less pain in the long run for both parties. It sucks but I will probably go back to becoming strangers with my ex. We already treated eachother like strangers in class but when I'm over her and would be able to handle friendship (whenever that is, doesn't feel like it's any time soon ) It won't even be worth it for either of us, she'll have a group of new friends and want nothing to do with me and I will be the same hopefully. Although I hate her guts, I'd like to be civil, it's just not possible right now.
Author sotoman Posted December 24, 2012 Author Posted December 24, 2012 wow thanks guys for all the insight. yeah im starting NC today. one more question: some of you said that if i dont tell her im doing NC, that her opinion of me may lower. ive read other places that it increases her missing me, and realizing what shes lost. i think they call it "risk of loss". will it make her think badly of me, or will it make her realize she really wants me? only time will tell, i guess... thanks again, guys! i love all the insight!
Simon Phoenix Posted December 24, 2012 Posted December 24, 2012 The first time my ex pretty much went NC on me. I pulled a drunken burn out of fear because I was getting too attached and she faded on me. She ignored a few calls/texts and the one time she did respond back wanting to make plans she canceled and never responded to my rescheduling. So I backed off for a month (I had to see her so it wasn't a full NC or anything). So i reinitated contact the week before we were to see each other and we had a bit of a back and forth. It was a mixed bag when I saw her. The first of the two days we had to see each other she was going out of her way to act cold, annoyed and jilted and just acted obnoxious. Despite that, she started blowing up my phone the second day we hung out despite the fact that I was hanging out with her brother-in-law, going through me on everything instead of him. We hung out and it was almost normal, although lacking in the previous flirtation. She gave me some breadcrumbs after that (inviting me to an event though insisting I bring friends instead of coming alone. I didn't go because I couldn't, and also tagging me in funny Facebook pictures. But I did the happy birthday thing with her shortly after, which didn't go the way I was hoping. Since then, it's been complete NC for me and I haven't heard from her. Because I'm friends with her brother-in-law, I hear things from him and others (even though I don't ask at all) and I know that she has thought about me, and maybe still does. I initially thought the fact that she wouldn't contact me was a d--k, cowardly move and while I think there is some cowardice involved (we never really formally broke, she just faded), after reading this site and others, maybe I have it lucky. But honestly, I have no idea what she's thinking and try not to guess. Perhaps she doesn't care about me in the least (that's what I tell myself to keep myself in NC when I'm feeling week). Perhaps she's like me in stubbornness and I am imprinted on her the way she is on me where she's thinking about me at times and occasionally conflicted on whether to reach out or to say "f--k the other person". Perhaps she's getting trained by randoms and drinking paint thinner. Who knows.
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