Sparty97 Posted December 23, 2012 Posted December 23, 2012 My wife and I have been married for 16 yrs...one child 8yo. At this point we are essentially roommates. We rarely have sex (it's been 3mos) and hardly ever sleep in the same bed (one of us falls asleep in the living room). Things have been tough for sometime. She suffers from depression...adhd...maybe bipolar...certainly paranoid, etc. She is very tough to live with. She got fired from her previous job so we are in financial difficulty now as she works half-time at a decent job and part time retail (just above min wage) and no benefits. So we are making far less than we used to. I have taken on other freelance work as available to make up the difference but she is not making concerted efforts to find meaningful employment. About 13yrs ago I left a job with a promising future to support her educational goals. Now we are still paying off those loans and she is not using the degrees. In addition I have maxed out at my current employer. There is very little (if any) room left for advancement and raises are minimal. On the qt I have started sending out resumes all over the country for jobs that may pay a little less to start (with better benefits) but will have greater room for growth and will be far more in line with what I want to do. I have had some positive responses early in my search and fully expect to get an offer or two. I am not sure how to proceed from here...I think this may be a good chance for a clean break. Rather than take her with me (she will claim that a number of the areas are depressing and she couldn't live there) I am thinking of filing for divorce. Thankfully Massachusetts has just gotten rid of lifetime alimony. Should I expect to pay based on what she is earning or what her earning potential is? I am thinking of applying for custody. In part because of her mental health issues. Though I also understand that losing our son as part of her daily life will not help her condition. Am I the *******? I guess if I have to ask I probably am. But I ditched a career for her and now she has lost hers and isn't making real efforts to rectify that situation.
oldshirt Posted December 23, 2012 Posted December 23, 2012 My wife and I have been married for 16 yrs...one child 8yo. At this point we are essentially roommates. We rarely have sex (it's been 3mos) and hardly ever sleep in the same bed (one of us falls asleep in the living room). Things have been tough for sometime. She suffers from depression...adhd...maybe bipolar...certainly paranoid, etc. She is very tough to live with. She got fired from her previous job so we are in financial difficulty now as she works half-time at a decent job and part time retail (just above min wage) and no benefits. So we are making far less than we used to. I have taken on other freelance work as available to make up the difference but she is not making concerted efforts to find meaningful employment. About 13yrs ago I left a job with a promising future to support her educational goals. Now we are still paying off those loans and she is not using the degrees. In addition I have maxed out at my current employer. There is very little (if any) room left for advancement and raises are minimal. On the qt I have started sending out resumes all over the country for jobs that may pay a little less to start (with better benefits) but will have greater room for growth and will be far more in line with what I want to do. I have had some positive responses early in my search and fully expect to get an offer or two. I am not sure how to proceed from here...I think this may be a good chance for a clean break. Rather than take her with me (she will claim that a number of the areas are depressing and she couldn't live there) I am thinking of filing for divorce. Thankfully Massachusetts has just gotten rid of lifetime alimony. Should I expect to pay based on what she is earning or what her earning potential is? I am thinking of applying for custody. In part because of her mental health issues. Though I also understand that losing our son as part of her daily life will not help her condition. Am I the *******? I guess if I have to ask I probably am. But I ditched a career for her and now she has lost hers and isn't making real efforts to rectify that situation. You have a lot of 'what ifs?" and "should I's" and "Am I's?"s and whole lot of other questions that we can't answer. I would say it is time to see a lawyer and start getting some real answers to those questions and find out how things are really going to go and what would really happen if you decide to pull the plug. Once you have all the facts and a clearer picture of what getting divorced will be like, then you will be better able to weigh whether that or trying to improve the marriage is the better option for you. And frankly at some point you should probably tell her to lawyer up too so she can gather the same facts and see if it is in her better interests to throw in the towell or try to work on things as well.
Mr. Lucky Posted December 24, 2012 Posted December 24, 2012 On the qt I have started sending out resumes all over the country for jobs that may pay a little less to start (with better benefits) but will have greater room for growth and will be far more in line with what I want to do. I have had some positive responses early in my search and fully expect to get an offer or two. Chances are small that you'd be awarded sole custody so you would be in a shared parenting situation. How would you do that from across the country ??? Divorce is hard enough on kids, if you do follow through on your plans you should think about an arrangement that puts your son's needs first... Mr. Lucky 1
RedHead33 Posted December 29, 2012 Posted December 29, 2012 Sit down and talk to her. Don't bring up everything but slowly especially if she is bipolar. Try to fix the situation first and if it doesn't work out pack your things and go.
Radu Posted December 30, 2012 Posted December 30, 2012 It is the paranoid part in your OP that worries me. Can you go into more detail with her problems, and weather or not she tried to have them sorted out ?
marianne123 Posted December 30, 2012 Posted December 30, 2012 oh dear, poor woman, I feel for her. You both need to talk, really talk. Do you love her? Does she love you?
Author Sparty97 Posted January 2, 2013 Author Posted January 2, 2013 It is the paranoid part in your OP that worries me. Can you go into more detail with her problems, and weather or not she tried to have them sorted out ? She has tried (sort of) for years to sort things out but I swear she has the worst group of doctors ever (or she has no sense on how to manage them). She is constantly trying to find the correct meds, etc. At first she was diagnosed with depression, then adult ADHD, anxiety, and now maybe bipolar... She feels persecuted at work and lost her old job...truth be told she was simply bad at what she was doing but she won't hear that.
Author Sparty97 Posted January 2, 2013 Author Posted January 2, 2013 oh dear, poor woman, I feel for her. You both need to talk, really talk. Do you love her? Does she love you? We've gone over this whole thing for years. I am done. I love her because she is the mother of my child, but that's about it. I am sure she feels that she loves me. In fact recently she has been acting as if our relationship is going well...yet we haven't had sex since either October or September (heck, I can't even remember anymore).
Author Sparty97 Posted January 2, 2013 Author Posted January 2, 2013 So your plan is to move far away, leave your wife financially destitude and take away her kids too? yeah that sounds real nice. I can't see any court giving you custody unless you proved her unfit which would involve you playing dirty and dragging out every bit of dirt on her you have. Sounds pretty ugly to me. And how to you think your kids would feel about being uprooted and moved away from their mother? Look I understand that you have some good reasons to feel the way you do, but what have the two of you done to address the issues? At least tell her how you feel and what you are thinking of doing. Perhaps she honestly doesn't understand how hopeless the marriage has started to feel to you. If she did then she might be motivated to make some real changes. People naturally gravitate to their comfort zone. The pain of not changing has to outweight the pain of making changes before change will happen. I understand your position, but the financial piece of it is a choice that she has made. She could actively seek full time employment but she seems more than happy to work a low paying retail job. So I have to find other revenue streams in addition to my full time job to keep us afloat. Is that fair to me? As for our child, it wouldn't be perfect to take him away but if she can't/won't provide for him when I can? We have gone back and forth about this for years, she has made efforts in the past to change some behaviors but goes back to the status quo in fairly short order. I have no reason to believe that any changes she made now would be maintained long term.
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