Help, 1st Experience with 'She Needs Space'

[AlexIsSad]

Long Story Alert!

 

This is my first serious relationship. Anyway we have been dating for almost 3 months now, things had been going well. There was the flirting, getting to know eachother, kissing, love letters, we talked pretty much everyday on the computer. I'm crazy about this girl, but lately we have been getting into fights about seeing eachother. It's summer and her life is quite busy, while mine on the other hand is not. A few times now shes told me days that she can hang out with me, so I end up making plans for a romantic date. She ends up canceling because we don't have enough time to do the things I want us to do. Later she goes on vacation with her family, same deal saying we can be together when she gets back. Stupid me gets my hopes up and plans another date. Unfortunently she emails telling me that she's gonna have family things going on this weekend and we can't be together.

 

It's at this point that we get into a big argument. I just couldn't understand why she would rather continue to be with her family that she just went on vacation with then see me even for one day. It really brings me down that she can't make time for me even for a little bit. I let her know that I want to support her in whatever she chooses to do in her life, but I have needs too. I feel there's things missing in our relationship because we don't spend enough time together alone, like I don't know her well enough (intellectually, emotionally, and most certainly spiritually). These things take time to develope and that's exactly what the problem is which causes me so much frustration. Anyways I did overeact, letting my emotions get the best of me and for it now she needs space but that doesn't mean she wants to break up saying that it was 'wholly up to me.' She tells me that I make her feel worthless at times, yet I feel the exact same way sometimes too.

 

So I wrote her back agreeing that it would be a good thing to take a break for a while and I was glad that we were on the same level. Also that I realize her feelings were hurt (pretty bad actually, but so were mine) and I hope that we can forgive and forget.

 

I thought about it a lot that day and then I wrote this apology email:

I'm not a perfect person, I have realizations just like I always

will. There are always lessons to be learned and I'm grateful that

you are helping me grow as a human being. What I realized was that I

was putting my needs before yours, I was ignoring everything else

including how I was making you feel. I'm sorry for that, I love you,

and I want to continue to grow together with you. You are right to

put family first, I should have never wanted to take that away or try

to change you. That's how it should be and I'm sorry for pressuring

you. I was stubbornly selfish and blinded by my own emotions. I

hope you can forgive me.

 

The next day I get a call from her girlfriend telling me that she's freaking out thinking that I'm going to break up with her. I already told her I have no intention of doing this, although I was seriously considering it before when we were fighting and she got a hint of it. So I see her online today and her profile says 'her fears are starting to come true' and she is very confused. She doesn't talk to me all day, I leave her 2 messages saying that I'm ready to talk things out when she is. By the end of the day, waiting is really weighing on me and I'm getting scared much like I still am so I call her. I tried to explain that it was my fear of being manipulated, of my love for her being taken advantage of that caused me to overeact before. Didn't quite come out the way I wanted to and we end the conversation with my agreeing to respect that she needs space and time to 'figure things out.'

 

I'm a guy, what I need is to figure things out through communication with the girl I love. Apparently it doesn't work that way for girls. Even though I don't understand it (wouldn't it be better to talk things through?) I'm gonna do my best to back off COMPLETELY now until she wants to talk even if it kills me. Will things be solved through waiting? It really gets me that I don't know what is going on in her head, that I don't know exactly what needs to be figured out since she told me she doesn't want to break up... I know she loves me and I love her, but uncertainty is hanging over my head and it's hard to concentrate on anything but her. I was reading a book until she kept popping back into my damn head. Truthfully I find it extremely annoying that I can't focus on me when things aren't right between us.

 

Help! Advice! even Comments! I apologize for this long boring read :/

[kodiak]

Hey brother let me try to give you some advice that might help and if i had known better, would possibly have saved my relationship with proabably the best girl ever. First off the part that concerns me is the first 3-4 months are like the honeymoon phase, you guys should want to be together all the time. You need to really figure out what is going on there. Sure she could just be busy with things but she also could be loosing interest. It happens and the relationship is early enough that hopefully it wont hurt as bad as it would if you had been togther longer. Please dont get me worng, im not saying that this is the case just a possibilty. However the most important part to relaize is that you need to have your life as well. You cant let your GF be the center of everything. Get hobbies, hang out with your friends, go on trips etc... You see I let my ex consume me and it puts alot of pressure on them if they feel that they need to keep you happy and entertain you. I stopped doing all the things that I enjoyed because I was consumed by my ex. Christ I would wait around at home just so I would not miss her call. Pathetic!!!!

 

Anyways liek you my ex needed space once and it didnt last long at all. Give her the space she needs and dont call her. She will call you when shes ready and things will work themselves out. In the meantime take the advice i gave you to heart. Trust me that it will help things out a lot.

[jr15628]

well as for me i have had almost the same expierence, with my dating female partnet. please read "its been two weeks since no contact, is it too soon to call" if you want to know the details in the breaking up and reconcilation section i believe.

 

but anyway, i still have not contacted my ex-partner and i too called this off when i notice the downfall of the relationship. i too wrote a letter to her and she has not contacted me yet.

 

alot goes through my mind, if i should call her and attempt small talk. i think i jumped the gun and stopped the great relationship.

 

so i am saying to you, abviously this girl still is intrested in you. or she would have not freaked out when she heard about the rumor.

 

give it some time so she can miss you. myself i have given it a whole month. and still no contact from my ex. but can you blame her. i see u also are taken in some fault. i day, "don't".

 

be yourself, if the love is strong and able to heal the rest shouldn't matter. just remember where your feelings are at this moment. if you are able to talk to her and have no hard feelings towards her then she should also feel, at comfort when talking to her.

 

just dont do the mistake i read alot of people doing. that is bring up the past. keep everything freash and new. don't let the elationship work itself on the past.

 

you have to show her there is more to learn of you from her. this is what keeps her interested.

 

also to all other readers, can you also read my post under the break-up and reconciling post. "I broke up with her two and a half weeks, and no contact, is it too soon to call."

 

i have been waiting for soom input as well, thanks!

[faux]

You do not believe that your girlfriend spends enough time with you. She constantly cancels plans. You do not like how she is spending more time with her family than she is with you. However, you write her to apologize for being legitimately angry, and say that she should put her family before you, which is precisely what you do not feel and do not agree with. You confuse me.

 

You apologize for having legitimate feelings and concerns. You then ignore your own feelings and needs, and mental stability in the relationship, by saying that you want her to keep doing what she is doing. Oddly enough, what she has been doing has been driving you nuts.

 

If you do not feel you are going to get to know this girl better, and will not and cannot spend more time with her, then perhaps you should consider leaving the relationship; You don't sound so happy in it. Talk things out with her, and try not to go back on your feelings. Have a backbone. You do not need to let her get away with murder for fear of losing her. You need to be happy in the relationship and you need to get what you think you need out of it.

[AlexIsOkay]

Kodiak: Thanks for the advice my friend. I painted my room and I got an email by the end of the day. I Do feel 'consumed' by her at times - that's exactly the right word, but this whole break thing has let me think things through too. Basically I've realized that I'm focusing way too much on her and not enough on me. Just realizing that and thinking about it makes it easier, I don't feel like I need to be by her side 24/7.

 

jr15628: I felt like you did for a while, just call it off - why should I put up with this crap?!... but relationships aren't perfect and I understand that

sometimes you have to work to make things work when you feel that it's still worthwhile. Good luck to you.

 

faux: Thanks for your point of view. Let me ask you something, is it asking too much to want her to depend upon you once in a while? What drives me nuts is she literally has this virtually impenetrable shell that she keeps everything inside of. Sometimes I can't tell if she'd rather be with me, but has no choice in the matter (or at least thinks she doesn't) or just plain rather be with her family. The thing is she is a goodie-2-shoes, or whatever you call em. She does what her parents tell her to no matter what. She may get in a fight with them, but she never disobeys. In the past it has made me feel like I'm not important enough to go against the wishes of her parents, no matter how she feels. I don't know how to deal with that because her family means the world to her.

You are right about me being afraid of losing her. I love her a lot and I want things to work out between us, so I'm going to give it more time because I still feel like it is worthwhile. Who knows, at some point if nothing progresses I may just decide that it will never work out and break it off no matter how much I love her.

 

Now that I've said all that, I want to clarify some things about her. She has a hard time opening up to me, to anyone. She explained this to me that it's because she is so independent, basically she is scared ****less about depending upon anyone. So, where does that leave me? I mean that type of attitude seriously affects a relationship. If she doesn't need to depend on anyone, what am I here for (feel free to share your thoughts). She says she trusts me, who knows though. I wrote her a long email explaining myself and today I ask her if she has anything to say to me... nothing. For some reason this doesn't seem to affect me as much as it would a week ago, in fact I don't feel anything just peace. It's not like I'm losing interest, I'm just nonchalant at this point. So, what do I have to do to get this girl to open up to me, her thoughts are a complete mystery...

If we can finally get to talking face to face sometime I feel like we can work things out and make compromises as needed.

 

PS: Do women have the right to blame their selfishness on their periods? (I'm not trying to be mean, just plain curious)