Don't Posted December 22, 2012 Posted December 22, 2012 I know this is common but I would like to share it anyway. My gf and I have been dating for almost 3 years and I was her first and she was my second . We met at mutual friends bday party and we hit it of right away that night 5 days later we were in relationship and it was great obviously there were some ups and downs throughout the relationship but no cheating or anything serious. I am now 28 and she is 22. She started staying at my place and we lived together all the time. We don't have a lot of friends but a couple. We basically spent almost all of our times together except the holidays she went to her parents. She graduated with honours in economics almost 8 months ago and still looking for jobs stressed because of that and having money issues trying to pay school loans. I will be getting my electrical engineering degree within 4 months but no financial problems thanks to my parents. Anyway I have been treating her well and always supportive but since the summer she has been acting colder and I guess it was because of money problems and she lost her aunt last month on the top of that. Yesterday she asked her stuff back and she told me that is over she started to cry and everything . I was expecting it but still it was shocking. I didn't say much except that I respect her decision and I want her happiness. She expected me to ask her questions why and she told me if I had any questions feel free to ask later. After 15 min talk I stated to cry and we hugged each other. I told her that real me doesn't want to lose you but I have to let you be happy. I know once it's over that s it. Anyway later on I sent her some msg on facebook saying it happens to every couple and I want to know that she was sure about it. That's what she said: That was an extremely hard decision for me to make, but I cannot continue to lead you on when I know that the relationship will not make it in the future. I do enjoy the time we spend together, but there are some incompatibilities that make me feel like I am annoyed with you a lot of the time, and then I feel like I'm constantly a bitch when at heart, I am not. In the end, I think that there is someone for you who treats you better than I do and someone for me that I don't constantly criticize in my mind. I'm not sure why I find myself constantly critical of you, I guess some things just nag at you over time, but it does my brain in on occasion and causes me stress. I do not expect a perfect relationship and the "honeymoon" period was gone a long time ago, and I still was happy. But I lost my feelings for you some time ago, and I couldn't get them back despite my trying. I also feel like I need to be alone to focus on myself for a while. I need to decide what to do with my life. I am sad about this coming to an end because I feel like I could probably still be friends with you in the future, but not until we have both moved on. I am at peace with the decision to break up. It is hard for me too because I still care about you a lot. I want you to be happy, and I never ever wanted to hurt you. I worry about your feelings which is why I might have put this off for a couple weeks. Don't beat yourself up over it, just try your best and always think how you can improve yourself. I wasn't doing that lately which is why now I will focus on making myself a better person. I think something I learned is that I will take relationships slower from now on. It gives you time to evaluate how things are going. I'm worried that if we continue exchanging messages, it is going to make the pain worse. I will try to stop talking to you for a while. Obviously we need to meet to exchange for my laptop and the stuff that I have of yours. I might contact you next month for that. Try to have a good holiday. Good bye. I know she made her point very clear I hope I will be able to get over her even though I don't want to lose her. I guess I have to suck it up. Thanks fellows for reading my post. Any advice is appreciated and Merry Christmas.
ellieryan85 Posted December 23, 2012 Posted December 23, 2012 I'm sorry to hear that. It sounds like she isn't too sure what she wants. 22 is really young, she might just need some time and space to figure it out! Merry xmas. I hope you don't let this ruin it for you.
NoMoreJerks Posted December 23, 2012 Posted December 23, 2012 (edited) Try to have a good holiday. lol, yeah right! that made me chuckle because my ex said the same exact thing today after he dumped me.... yeah, great timing , *******. Truth is, if they really cared about us having a good holiday, they could've at least put off the dumping until after the holidays. Christmas is probably the worst timing to do that to someone. only a cruel, cold-hearted person can do that to someone, and then have the audacity to tell them to "try and have a good Christmas." Especially when they know that you were making plans to spend Christmas with them and that you have no relatives in town , so now have to spend Christmas on your own. Edited December 23, 2012 by NoMoreJerks
Author Don't Posted December 23, 2012 Author Posted December 23, 2012 I already got some gifts for Christmas. I have to return them now which feels awkward and sad. She sounds like she is 100 percent sure about her decision though. Don't every couple lose feelings at some point including our beloved parents? How do they stay together? I admit I don't feel as crazy about her like the day we first met but I have love and respect for her. That's what made me to stay with her. Perhaps she was tired of us being together all the time. She just wants to get away. Anyway whatever it's she is gone now . I will try to enjoy my holiday lol as if
jags2bowl27 Posted December 23, 2012 Posted December 23, 2012 lol, yeah right! that made me chuckle because my ex said the same exact thing today after he dumped me.... yeah, great timing , *******. Truth is, if they really cared about us having a good holiday, they could've at least put off the dumping until after the holidays. Christmas is probably the worst timing to do that to someone. only a cruel, cold-hearted person can do that to someone, and then have the audacity to tell them to "try and have a good Christmas." Especially when they know that you were making plans to spend Christmas with them and that you have no relatives in town , so now have to spend Christmas on your own. not true, if he did it after xmas you would be on here bitching because he led you on and how xmas was so wonderful. I just broke things off with my new girl on Tuesday because i figured it was better to have it out in the open than to pretend.
Samilia Posted December 23, 2012 Posted December 23, 2012 (edited) I'd personally would get the stuff back now, and give the laptop back. Why wait? I love her " I might contact you next month for that"... contact her now, ask for your stuff. I wouldn't let her any more shots, she already took the decision to end it. And there is no point in waiting, it's not going to achieve anything. Edited December 23, 2012 by Samilia 3
NoMoreJerks Posted December 23, 2012 Posted December 23, 2012 not true, if he did it after xmas you would be on here bitching because he led you on and how xmas was so wonderful. I just broke things off with my new girl on Tuesday because i figured it was better to have it out in the open than to pretend. I doubt anyone would be so good an actor as to be able to hide their lack of enthusiasm for being with you -- if they were, they'd be in Hollywood. Frankly, I had a bad feeling today, just before my ex dumped me. He was extremely distant and didn't reply to my texts for 2 days. I knew it was coming. If he had done the same thing after Christmas, I would've still felt that there was something weird about his behaviour and would've had more time to process it, and at least the timing wouldn't have been so crappy. Also, you don't have to pretend things are great, and lead them on -- there is a middle ground between that, and a break-up. If my ex had dumped me after Christmas, I would've been less bitter. The timing makes it twice as bad. Maybe from the perspective of the dumpee it's better to go into Christmas celebrations with that weight off their shoulders, but not from the perspective of the dumpee.
Author Don't Posted December 24, 2012 Author Posted December 24, 2012 So today I deleted her pictures on my facebook and changed the relationship status. I don't know if I should start talking to some other females. It feels disrespectful but she doesn't want me she moved on. I have to move on and it might bring my confidence back. I'm debating if I should block her our it's just a childish move.
Samilia Posted December 24, 2012 Posted December 24, 2012 So today I deleted her pictures on my facebook and changed the relationship status. I don't know if I should start talking to some other females. It feels disrespectful but she doesn't want me she moved on. I have to move on and it might bring my confidence back. I'm debating if I should block her our it's just a childish move. Why childish? It's your right not to want to see her face plastered all over your facebook. She wanted out, then, she's out. 2
Inviv_girl Posted December 24, 2012 Posted December 24, 2012 Don't every couple lose feelings at some point including our beloved parents? How do they stay together? This questions also in my head and I never get the right answer,also on when people lose their feelings with their partner, instead of working on it they just want out of the relationship! find a new love.. what if the feeling lose again? they jump from one to another all the time eh?! it got me confused! feelings lose and change from time to time no? 1
Author Don't Posted December 25, 2012 Author Posted December 25, 2012 So I will give her stuff back when she gets back from her parents after new years prolly. I think I might feel weak when I see her again maybe I should drop them to one of or mutual friends and pick my stuf from the mutuall friend. It's too soon to see her.
Author Don't Posted December 25, 2012 Author Posted December 25, 2012 This questions also in my head and I never get the right answer,also on when people lose their feelings with their partner, instead of working on it they just want out of the relationship! find a new love.. what if the feeling lose again? they jump from one to another all the time eh?! it got me confused! feelings lose and change from time to time no? Mine said she tried but didn't work out. In August she was kinda ignoring me being cranky because of her issues(job money life etc. ..) I was annoyed the fact that she was acting kind of cold I said welll perhaps we should end it. Her response was if you want to end it I understand but I think we should try. I said OK and it was fine until now but I could feel it wasn't the same . She was still loving and caring but sometimes she was like a stone I don't know just irritating. You can't expect a person to love you by force. When they lose the feeling you become a friend to them. Imagine making love and kissing a friend. It hurts on my side but I understand how it feels. Our parents stay together either because of kids or comfort. After a certain age it becomes difficult to move on. These are my theories.
Samilia Posted December 25, 2012 Posted December 25, 2012 This questions also in my head and I never get the right answer,also on when people lose their feelings with their partner, instead of working on it they just want out of the relationship! find a new love.. what if the feeling lose again? they jump from one to another all the time eh?! it got me confused! feelings lose and change from time to time no? Well those people are married, for years. The rough patch usually doesn't occur after a few months or a year. Married or bound together by something similar. When you're together 18 months there's not much to fight for. After 18 years it's another story.
youngnlove89 Posted December 25, 2012 Posted December 25, 2012 She did YOU and herself a favor. Would you rather be with someone who TRIES to love you? No way. You want the real thing right? I wouldn't be mad at her. She did what she felt was right. You can't blame her. "Sometimes it lasts in love and sometimes it hurts instead." This had nothing to do with you, but everything to do with her own self. These were her feelings and she did what was best for HER. Now you need to do what is best for YOU. Which is NC. Yes, it will hurt. Most definitely. But the best advice I can give to you is to start No Contact and stick to it. Delete her number, block her from FB, delete her email, hide any pictures of you guys and do not respond to her. She wanted this so she will get it. Ex's always come back in this situation. Mine did and your's will too. But don't get excited, they don't show up in your life because they "love you" and "want to work things out", they will just be seeking attention and an ego boost because of the guilt they harbor. If you want real love, move on from her and go find it in someone else who knows what they got when they have it! She did what was best for her (break up with you), now treat yourself the same! 2
Author Don't Posted December 25, 2012 Author Posted December 25, 2012 She did YOU and herself a favor. Would you rather be with someone who TRIES to love you? No way. You want the real thing right? I wouldn't be mad at her. She did what she felt was right. You can't blame her. "Sometimes it lasts in love and sometimes it hurts instead." This had nothing to do with you, but everything to do with her own self. These were her feelings and she did what was best for HER. Now you need to do what is best for YOU. Which is NC. Yes, it will hurt. Most definitely. But the best advice I can give to you is to start No Contact and stick to it. Delete her number, block her from FB, delete her email, hide any pictures of you guys and do not respond to her. She wanted this so she will get it. Ex's always come back in this situation. Mine did and your's will too. But don't get excited, they don't show up in your life because they "love you" and "want to work things out", they will just be seeking attention and an ego boost because of the guilt they harbor. If you want real love, move on from her and go find it in someone else who knows what they got when they have it! She did what was best for her (break up with you), now treat yourself the same! No I'm not mad at her and I can imagine how it feels to force yourself to love someone even though the feeling is gone. I deleted pictures and phone is not an issue I don't feel like contacting surprisingly it wasn't as bad as the previous one I've immune to it. My only concern is giving her stuff back. Seeing her again might weaken me that's all I'm worried about. I'm suppressing my feelings by talking to people socializing. It's a good to get your confidence back. The faster I move on better because no point to sit and cry it was her decision she may face the consequences because she told me to find someone. So I'm sure she will be happy to see me moved on as well since she is not cruel
Inviv_girl Posted December 25, 2012 Posted December 25, 2012 Mine said she tried but didn't work out. In August she was kinda ignoring me being cranky because of her issues(job money life etc. ..) I was annoyed the fact that she was acting kind of cold I said welll perhaps we should end it. Her response was if you want to end it I understand but I think we should try. I said OK and it was fine until now but I could feel it wasn't the same . She was still loving and caring but sometimes she was like a stone I don't know just irritating. You can't expect a person to love you by force. When they lose the feeling you become a friend to them. Imagine making love and kissing a friend. It hurts on my side but I understand how it feels. Our parents stay together either because of kids or comfort. After a certain age it becomes difficult to move on. These are my theories. My ex told me his feelings change. He is my first real relationship, someone Im able to fall in love and love me for the first time in my life (Im over 30!) can you imagine with my age, Im so not in that position of playing in a relationship playground! I was so busy with my work in the past and never was really into serious relationship but when I met him my world were different and he gave me big hope and love, I fall for him so deep, and I believe he were too! he told me he love me very much and wanted to have family with me and Im the one and only. With long distance and some fights he said his feelings change and want out from relationship.. and just like that all his proposal of married gone and all promises died! I was incredibly shock and didnt see it coming when he told me that. I too, was also in under a lot of stress with finding a job and to be with him in the same area so there'll be no more long distance, but it was not easy and I cant find one. He gave up on me in a difficult situation, he seems moving on so fast and have a great happy life without me (according to his facebook!) which Im glad I dont have him in my contact anymore! Tell me Im weird but Im still cripping his profile sometimes eventhough I see nothing as he put it in private. What have I done to myself? I cried every single day for him, I just find this break up is extremely hard for me! I mean REALLY HARD! how could someone who once said love you very much, say "I love you" everyday-everytime to you, call you "honey, my love and pet name" and all of sudden call you your NAME and say his feeling change! feels like you been hit by tornado right!?
Author Don't Posted December 25, 2012 Author Posted December 25, 2012 (edited) My ex told me his feelings change. He is my first real relationship, someone Im able to fall in love and love me for the first time in my life (Im over 30!) can you imagine with my age, Im so not in that position of playing in a relationship playground! I was so busy with my work in the past and never was really into serious relationship but when I met him my world were different and he gave me big hope and love, I fall for him so deep, and I believe he were too! he told me he love me very much and wanted to have family with me and Im the one and only. With long distance and some fights he said his feelings change and want out from relationship.. and just like that all his proposal of married gone and all promises died! I was incredibly shock and didnt see it coming when he told me that. I too, was also in under a lot of stress with finding a job and to be with him in the same area so there'll be no more long distance, but it was not easy and I cant find one. He gave up on me in a difficult situation, he seems moving on so fast and have a great happy life without me (according to his facebook!) which Im glad I dont have him in my contact anymore! Tell me Im weird but Im still cripping his profile sometimes eventhough I see nothing as he put it in private. What have I done to myself? I cried every single day for him, I just find this break up is extremely hard for me! I mean REALLY HARD! how could someone who once said love you very much, say "I love you" everyday-everytime to you, call you "honey, my love and pet name" and all of sudden call you your NAME and say his feeling change! feels like you been hit by tornado right!? I hear ya but I guess it's common . I know it's hard to accept. This is my second and lasted much longer than the previous one. To tell your the truth it's not as bad as the first one at least. First one I freaked out I was just creeping out on her, messaging her all the time desperately. We dated over a year and she was like love you so much blah blah.. . She came to me at first and when she broke up with me she was like I'm sorry I lost the feeling and after a week I saw her with another guy. I was completely devastated. We were living on the sane flour at the dorm imagine I could hear them making out and everything. It was very painful after a year I got over it and it was my worst. I took a the year break after that. I had some therapy sessions. You know what the one I meet after her was much better and I was even more crazy about her but unfortunately that's over too but now I know It is time to recover and no time to cry. After experiencing the first break up second one won't be that bad because toy have been through. But first break up is very painful because you never experienced such a thing before but I should admit the current break up is still painful in different aspects because the girl I lost was very nice educated caring beautiful etc.. .. I will of course miss her but I will also keep reminding myself she ended it at I should find sometime else who will love me and accept me because of who I am. Obviously the is no guarantee that it will last forever but you can't live your life with fear. Cheer up it's better that he left you instead of acting cold or cheating on you. I always prefer closure over those I mentioned. We are not getting any younger don't waste your precious time with thinking about someone who doesn't want you and enjoy life. You are not alone people get married and get divorced. Poor kids they get involved etc.. . Edited December 25, 2012 by Don't sorry about the typos I'm using a tablet and auto corrects and puts weird stuff
Author Don't Posted December 26, 2012 Author Posted December 26, 2012 So I had a good Christmas with family and friends. I think it has been 5 days since nc stated and neither of us wished Merry Christmas to each other. I will prolly return the gifts to stores tomorrow since there is no point to keep them. Hope the new years will be great for me and for those ones with broken hearts. Cheers. 1
dchin1985 Posted December 27, 2012 Posted December 27, 2012 (edited) I can totally understand how you feel, because I was in the exact situation a month ago and my ex said almost the exact same words. Well i think there are many possible reasons to the breakup, it could be yours, hers or even both fault, but there is no need to dig into it, at least this is how i view it. Not because I value less of my ex, we did make very beautiful memories and i do miss her and the time we shared, but you shouldn't waste your time thinking of someone who doesn't want to be with you anymore. Life goes on and so you should move on. I treated my ex very well, maybe she doesn't think so :s, and tried every effort but sometime people change as life change (You can view from my posts). And from time to time friends still come back and say I really thought you two would be together and you two are very compatible - i just received one this morning actually. BUT you will meet a better person and she will make you forget about your ex completely. Just look forward to it. Your ex doesn't appreciate what you have to offer, she gets bored and want something new, then so be it, thats the sad part of life but its a fact. But someone will come into your life, and will appreciate you and will be very happy to enjoy the new you. Have you heard of GIGS and quarter life crisis? It is common around this age especially for women. And nothing you can do to stop them and change them. I wonder why we have to be the victim side of it. I saw it coming in my ex, i tried to stop it but I can only say with no regret "i tried to stop it". So i loved her enough to let her go freely, let her pursue what she wants to experience but without me. At some point you will realize that you have done too much for someone, that the only next possible step is to stop. Leave them alone. Walk away. Its not like you're giving up, and it's not like you shouldn't try. It's just that you have to draw the line of determination from desperation. Work on yourself bro, your true happiness is more important and your career is just as important. Edited December 27, 2012 by dchin1985 2
Author Don't Posted January 2, 2013 Author Posted January 2, 2013 I can totally understand how you feel, because I was in the exact situation a month ago and my ex said almost the exact same words. Well i think there are many possible reasons to the breakup, it could be yours, hers or even both fault, but there is no need to dig into it, at least this is how i view it. Not because I value less of my ex, we did make very beautiful memories and i do miss her and the time we shared, but you shouldn't waste your time thinking of someone who doesn't want to be with you anymore. Life goes on and so you should move on. I treated my ex very well, maybe she doesn't think so :s, and tried every effort but sometime people change as life change (You can view from my posts). And from time to time friends still come back and say I really thought you two would be together and you two are very compatible - i just received one this morning actually. BUT you will meet a better person and she will make you forget about your ex completely. Just look forward to it. Your ex doesn't appreciate what you have to offer, she gets bored and want something new, then so be it, thats the sad part of life but its a fact. But someone will come into your life, and will appreciate you and will be very happy to enjoy the new you. Have you heard of GIGS and quarter life crisis? It is common around this age especially for women. And nothing you can do to stop them and change them. I wonder why we have to be the victim side of it. I saw it coming in my ex, i tried to stop it but I can only say with no regret "i tried to stop it". So i loved her enough to let her go freely, let her pursue what she wants to experience but without me. At some point you will realize that you have done too much for someone, that the only next possible step is to stop. Leave them alone. Walk away. Its not like you're giving up, and it's not like you shouldn't try. It's just that you have to draw the line of determination from desperation. Work on yourself bro, your true happiness is more important and your career is just as important. Yes I understand what you mean. What you say makes sense. Our situations are similar. Yes I heard about GIGS funny thing is i didn't know such terms like nc, gigs, lc until last week. When my first relationship was over I haven't gone online to look for advice. That's why most of these terms are fairly new to me. I haven't contacted her for like almost 12 days. I felt down during the nye I texted her happy new year that's all nothing else. No answer. I am cool. I know i shouldn't have but at least i didn't call or beg her to talk to me. You are right though. I tried my best I treated her really well. It was her decision. I told her I respect it; i rather you to be happy 1
Author Don't Posted January 2, 2013 Author Posted January 2, 2013 Today I went to the stores to return some gift cards. Nobody has refunded my money I think I should keep those stupid store credits and give it to someone else in the future
Author Don't Posted January 2, 2013 Author Posted January 2, 2013 Today I broke the NC indirectly and contacted her best friend. We had a small convo. Nothing much. I still mentioned that I miss her hope she is doing fine. I also told no to tell her about this convo because I don't want her to think that i am weak. In the end she said this "I'm sure after things settle down you both will have a chance to talk about everything. Take care". I will be honest though that gave me some sorta hope but I will not hold onto it much. I haven't talked to my ex for 12 days and I will keep it like that. It is helping both of us to heal and see if we will miss each other after a time apart. I am still missing her because I know I am the dumpee so it does not apply to me technically but we will see what will happen after i get over this break up thingy. I know i shouldn't have talked to her bestie but she is a nice person and she understands me i think.
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