My story as the OM

[Mount]

From my reading, I just perceive that the OP/Mike is describing his reality, relationship and from what he decribed that he is quite satified at the path that he is choosing to do right now.

 

An OP who repeatedly stops/starts an affair has no idea how to play the game.

 

The OP's claims of contentment have the stinky air of BS around it. And I don't mean "betrayed spouse."

[Mount]

I mean you can choose to leave the relationships you want to have with anyone, i.e. spouse, gf/bf, MM/MW, OW/OM. No one is forcing anyone to stay.

 

Clarify for me.

 

What does "no one stops you to leave" mean?

 

My initial read of that phrase has to be wrong, because at first blush, it looks like you are advocating suicide if one doesn't wish to play a "game" with their life?

[Tenacity]

I think it is rather weird that OP has seen the medical bills and records of the injury to the H.

 

Perhaps, but that's not for us to judge and it really is not relevant, is it?

 

If OP has seen those bills he has broken the law and could face charges.

 

What law would he have broken? Unless he broke into the medical facility and stole the documents?

 

If you are referring to HIPAA, that was created to control fraud and abuse within the healthcare system. It is focused on release of confidential patient information by healthcare systems and those associated with/employed by healthcare systems.

 

Presumably the medical information he saw came from the OW (yes, a bit odd - can't disagree there) and the OW would have been given permission to assess her H's medical records and chose to share them with OP. That is on her, not him.

[road]

I made sure to tell my son that Linda's situation wasn't as cut and dry.

He's talked to Linda and heard her side of the story and has a keen understanding of her situation and why she is doing what she is doing.

 

 

Two cheaters saying cheating is wrong but it is ok to cheat if you can find a way to justify it. That is what you have taught your son by word and action.

[Bumaga vsyo sterpit]

Hi guys. I’m new here and noticed that there were a lot of posts made by OW in this section. I figured I should share my experience and story as the OM. I’m 43 years old, divorced 5 years, and have a 17-year-old son. My MW (Linda) and I work at the same hospital. I am an executive director while she is a nurse practitioner. I have been working there for 8 years while Linda has been working there for 5 years. I was in the final phases of my divorce when I met Linda. She is 42, gorgeous, married for 20 years, and has 2 daughters (both in college). Despite how attractive I thought she was, I knew she was a married woman and had no intention to pursue her because that wasn’t me. But, we did become good coffee-break buddies and lunch partners which spurred a great friendship.

We would talk about anything and everything and became closer friends.

 

That lasted for the first 3 years but by the fourth year, things changed a little. Linda was a little less upbeat than she used to be and it always seemed like she had something on her mind. Our lunches and breaks became less frequent. In December of last year, I finally decided to ask her what was wrong and that if I was the problem. She said no, of course not. She had the courage to open up to me and tell me that her she and her husband have been dealing with a huge problem the past year. Her husband had gotten into an accident a year prior to our discussion and had injured his privates. As a result, his ability to have sex again was pretty much gone. Linda and her husband had no intercourse that entire year and the intimacy they could have was down to a minimum, almost non-existent, due to her husband’s stubbornness. She said her self-esteem was shot because she didn’t feel desired anymore but she loved her husband with all her heart and stood by him during the ordeal and would continue to be the wife she wants and needs to be for him.

 

One week later, Linda, her friend/co-worker, and I went out to eat. After a couple of hours, her friend excused herself to get back to her husband while Linda and I continued to drink a little bit more. Linda’s husband was on a business trip out of town for the weekend and she said she hated it when he’d go away because she’d be all alone with the girls still away in school. I asked her if she wanted to come over to my house to see a movie we both really wanted to see with absolutely no intention of doing anything with her and I say that with complete honesty. I really felt bad for her and didn’t want her to be home alone drunk. We took a cab to my place and started watching the movie. Long story short, we ended up having sex a couple times that night. She texted me the next day telling me that the night before was wonderful and that I was a great friend. I returned the compliment.

 

A couple of days later, she comes over to my place again for dinner and sex again. She thanks me for providing that release from the stress she has in her marriage and making her feel wanted again. She said she’d like for us to continue seeing each other as did I. But she made it clear that her husband came first and then me which I completely understood. From that day on, we started seeing each other 1-2X a week. Coming over to my place during the week was no problem because my son lives at my ex-wife’s house during the school year. And because he lives with me during the summer, I decided to introduce Linda to him as my lady friend and let him know that she’d be coming over to hang out from time to time. He and Linda got along really well from the start. I told my ex-wife about Linda and I later on and Linda told her best friend and sister about us at about the 5 month mark.

 

Everything has been going great between us. Additionally, Linda is happier at home which is definitely helping their marriage. She always makes sure that her home life is in proper order before meeting up with me and when we do meet up, she makes sure to check in with her husband before we do anything. As I mentioned earlier, I never intended on pursing a married woman. But, when I realized that the problem between Linda and her husband was irreparable and that I would not be coming in between their overall happiness and marriage, the weight of that guilt began lifting from my shoulders. I don’t want to steal her away or anything. Just want to do what we both rationalized to be ok and fair. I’d be open to answering any questions you guys may have or expanding on certain stories or issues that have stemmed from my experience. And just maybe, I might be able convince Linda to get involved with this discussion too. Thanks!

 

You my friend are a god among men. Wish your story was longer. I hope to be just like you in my middle age.

[Mike90048]

If you are referring to HIPAA, that was created to control fraud and abuse within the healthcare system. It is focused on release of confidential patient information by healthcare systems and those associated with/employed by healthcare systems.

 

Presumably the medical information he saw came from the OW (yes, a bit odd - can't disagree there) and the OW would have been given permission to assess her H's medical records and chose to share them with OP. That is on her, not him.

 

Thank you so much for the clarification, Tenacity. To add further to what you have said, Linda (being an NP) took the responsibility of taking care of her husband's bills and medication at our hospital. Being that I oversee many departments, she came to me with the stuff to help her take care of what they needed smoothly. Her husband gave the responsibility of taking care of the billing and medication to his wife and she came to me for guidance.

[whichwayisup]

He goes about once or twice a month. And yes, he is stubborn in that he doesn't make any real attempts to please his wife or make her happy. His accident was tragic but not unavoidable and it was his decision to put himself in that position in the first place. She stood by him willing to do anything he needed to make it work with what he still had but he refused to put in the effort.

 

She would never get a divorce because she loves him a lot and fears that if she even did, he would never be able to find someone again. She loves him enough to be there for him but can't stand the idea of living the rest of her life in an unbalanced marriage. She's not your typical MW in an A. She has very limited options.

 

This is the biggest load of crap I've ever heard. Sorry but this woman has you totally snowed in, roped, on a fishing wire..etc..etc..

 

And people are going to get hurt whether you want to acknowledge that or not.

 

She IS a typical MW. You just don't want to see it that way, which is understandable since you love her and can't see things from an objective point of view.

[Mike90048]

You couldn't be more wrong mount, in regards to a spouse that an affair is being kept secret from. They don't have a choice, they are kept in the dark. Perhaps one day you will find out what it feels like to have you choices taken away, to be kept in the dark. Maybe then you will find some empathy.

 

 

OP.........I can understand your mow's pain at her marriage issues and her husband's refusal to seek the right kind of treatment, but frankly I think it's like sticking a sword in this guys back, not a knife, but a huge fricking sword that can't ever be removed. I mean it's adding insult to injury, that he gets an injury and likely has big issues involving his manhood and sexuality but his wife chooses exactly the thing that would absolutely hurt him the worse. You ought to think about what kind of woman would do that and if I were you, I'd wonder what else she is capable of.

 

I suspect you don't see it that way and you seem to rationalize that you are just filling a need of hers, and you are both using each other, but to me it sounds like the kind of situation in which there is a lot of potential for bat ****e crazy if this woman's husband finds out. Maybe something you ought to think about. Do you realize that many cases of violence have an element of infidelity in them? It drives people over the edge and this sounds like one of those cases. You should never be soo smug and think you won't get caught.

 

I understand where you're coming from LadyGrey but imagine how hurt he would be if she left him because of his inability to make her feel wanted or desired again. Do you think he would fair better that way? Or do you think it's fair for her to put up with another decade or so of feeling like an outsider in their marriage? She was willing to make it work with what they had and could do for an entire year. She was shot down every time she decided to better their marriage for an entire year. She felt like she was cornered and no one was on her side. She might be making a mistake but she's not deliberately trying to hurt anybody. She's just doing what she thinks is the only option.

[Mike90048]

This is the biggest load of crap I've ever heard. Sorry but this woman has you totally snowed in, roped, on a fishing wire..etc..etc..

 

And people are going to get hurt whether you want to acknowledge that or not.

 

She IS a typical MW. You just don't want to see it that way, which is understandable since you love her and can't see things from an objective point of view.

 

I don't want to be a broken record with this but I will say for the last time that I don't love her and she doesn't love me. We are simply friends with intimate relations. This has been happening for almost over a year and it's been going pretty smoothly and we don't plan on having anyone hurt

[whichwayisup]

I understand where you're coming from LadyGrey but imagine how hurt he would be if she left him because of his inability to make her feel wanted or desired again. Do you think he would fair better that way? Or do you think it's fair for her to put up with another decade or so of feeling like an outsider in their marriage? She was willing to make it work with what they had and could do for an entire year. She was shot down every time she decided to better their marriage for an entire year. She felt like she was cornered and no one was on her side. She might be making a mistake but she's not deliberately trying to hurt anybody. She's just doing what she thinks is the only option.

 

Is that her reason to want to leave? Or is it that he's let himself go, he's depressed and unwilling to do counseling and get help, work hard to reconnect with his wife, to try to please her in other ways, go to sex therapy together etc..etc.. I'm sure if she actually said the words, "I am so unhappy, I do love you but I can't live like this anymore. Our relationship is suffering, you don't try to fix yourself, nor be a husband to me..I've met someone who I enjoy and I am confused.." DAMN RIGHT if she something like that to him, he'd wake up and make more effort and get himself straightened out. But no, it's easier for her to pretend all is OK, and go ahead and cheat on him to fulfill her needs, so she can stay married to him (I'm sure she is also concerned how others would perceive her, leaving her H for someone else).

[whichwayisup]

I don't want to be a broken record with this but I will say for the last time that I don't love her and she doesn't love me. We are simply friends with intimate relations. This has been happening for almost over a year and it's been going pretty smoothly and we don't plan on having anyone hurt

 

And I am telling you, you're fooling yourself. Sooner or later feelings ARE going to get in the way. She just hasn't told you how she truly feels in her heart. Most woman are incapable of separating sex, intimacy and emotions.. Some men can do that, obviously you can, so it seems.

 

Trust me, if you met someone else and started dating them too, or just had sex with another woman, and she found out, she would be hurt and feel jealous.

[Mike90048]

Is that her reason to want to leave? Or is it that he's let himself go, he's depressed and unwilling to do counseling and get help, work hard to reconnect with his wife, to try to please her in other ways, go to sex therapy together etc..etc.. I'm sure if she actually said the words, "I am so unhappy, I do love you but I can't live like this anymore. Our relationship is suffering, you don't try to fix yourself, nor be a husband to me..I've met someone who I enjoy and I am confused.." DAMN RIGHT if she something like that to him, he'd wake up and make more effort and get himself straightened out. But no, it's easier for her to pretend all is OK, and go ahead and cheat on him to fulfill her needs, so she can stay married to him (I'm sure she is also concerned how others would perceive her, leaving her H for someone else).

 

No, I meant that he would perceive her leaving to be for that reason. If she did leave, it would be for the reasons you listed (no MC, no sex therapy, communication, etc). She had tried so much during that entire year to get him to listen. She sat him down 3X to tell him that what he was doing was not working and that he needed to join her in trying to find what's best for their relationship. He brushed it off every single time. She didn't even make a big deal out of it until about the 6-7 month mark in order to let him vent and deal with what's going on himself. He's not helping himself at all, let alone his wife.

[Mike90048]

So in conclusion.........I'd be USING YOU. Using you, mike, using you........get it?

 

Yes, she's using me as I'm using her. We all use each other for sex and that is a fact. For us, we're not trying to find some meaningful, deep connection. We are just trying to fill a void in our own ways.

[jwi71]

Hi guys. I’m new here and noticed that there were a lot of posts made by OW in this section. I figured I should share my experience and story as the OM. I’m 43 years old, divorced 5 years, and have a 17-year-old son. My MW (Linda) and I work at the same hospital. I am an executive director while she is a nurse practitioner. I have been working there for 8 years while Linda has been working there for 5 years. I was in the final phases of my divorce when I met Linda. She is 42, gorgeous, married for 20 years, and has 2 daughters (both in college). Despite how attractive I thought she was, I knew she was a married woman and had no intention to pursue her because that wasn’t me. But, we did become good coffee-break buddies and lunch partners which spurred a great friendship.

We would talk about anything and everything and became closer friends.

 

That lasted for the first 3 years but by the fourth year, things changed a little. Linda was a little less upbeat than she used to be and it always seemed like she had something on her mind. Our lunches and breaks became less frequent. In December of last year, I finally decided to ask her what was wrong and that if I was the problem. She said no, of course not. She had the courage to open up to me and tell me that her she and her husband have been dealing with a huge problem the past year. Her husband had gotten into an accident a year prior to our discussion and had injured his privates. As a result, his ability to have sex again was pretty much gone. Linda and her husband had no intercourse that entire year and the intimacy they could have was down to a minimum, almost non-existent, due to her husband’s stubbornness. She said her self-esteem was shot because she didn’t feel desired anymore but she loved her husband with all her heart and stood by him during the ordeal and would continue to be the wife she wants and needs to be for him.

 

One week later, Linda, her friend/co-worker, and I went out to eat. After a couple of hours, her friend excused herself to get back to her husband while Linda and I continued to drink a little bit more. Linda’s husband was on a business trip out of town for the weekend and she said she hated it when he’d go away because she’d be all alone with the girls still away in school. I asked her if she wanted to come over to my house to see a movie we both really wanted to see with absolutely no intention of doing anything with her and I say that with complete honesty. I really felt bad for her and didn’t want her to be home alone drunk. We took a cab to my place and started watching the movie. Long story short, we ended up having sex a couple times that night. She texted me the next day telling me that the night before was wonderful and that I was a great friend. I returned the compliment.

 

A couple of days later, she comes over to my place again for dinner and sex again. She thanks me for providing that release from the stress she has in her marriage and making her feel wanted again. She said she’d like for us to continue seeing each other as did I. But she made it clear that her husband came first and then me which I completely understood. From that day on, we started seeing each other 1-2X a week. Coming over to my place during the week was no problem because my son lives at my ex-wife’s house during the school year. And because he lives with me during the summer, I decided to introduce Linda to him as my lady friend and let him know that she’d be coming over to hang out from time to time. He and Linda got along really well from the start. I told my ex-wife about Linda and I later on and Linda told her best friend and sister about us at about the 5 month mark.

 

Everything has been going great between us. Additionally, Linda is happier at home which is definitely helping their marriage. She always makes sure that her home life is in proper order before meeting up with me and when we do meet up, she makes sure to check in with her husband before we do anything. As I mentioned earlier, I never intended on pursing a married woman. But, when I realized that the problem between Linda and her husband was irreparable and that I would not be coming in between their overall happiness and marriage, the weight of that guilt began lifting from my shoulders. I don’t want to steal her away or anything. Just want to do what we both rationalized to be ok and fair. I’d be open to answering any questions you guys may have or expanding on certain stories or issues that have stemmed from my experience. And just maybe, I might be able convince Linda to get involved with this discussion too. Thanks!

 

What in particular motivates you to discuss your A?

I've had more than my fair share of f_ck buddies in my life but never felt the need to share them.

 

Like many males, I don't need to know a woman's name to sleep with her. (I've grown now but must admit to that phase of life).

 

Also as a man, I don't require talking about my f_ck buddy unless a) I'm bragging or b) something is bothering me (aka I'm feeling something-stupid emotions).

 

Just wondering how you happened to google for OM support forum and why?

A or B?

[ComingInHot]

Mike;

You wrote a few pages back, " we rationalized"... Then next your son figured out she was married so you "talked" to him. To me that sounds like you rationalized and "justified" your relationship to your son..

I think that is Despicable! "Rationalize" all you want to justify your Affair but DON'T twist the impressionable mind of your son who will take what you give him as gospel!!

Heaven forbid he enters manhood thinking it's "okay" to boink another man's Wife.

Your setting the stage for another generation of cheaters who will engage in the destruction of lives thinking it's "okay" and perfectly normal cause their Dad told them so. UGH!! ICK!! FOUL!!! sad.

[movingon45]

She has brought up counseling and has even given her husband contact info of various therapists they can see and he isn't at all interested or motivated and not because he's depressed. He's just very indifferent to the idea of seeking help or adapting to their situation. And I agree with you, Seren. If he managed to go to counseling and learn how to compensate for his situation in various ways, she would not be coming to me at all or any other man for that matter.

 

And no we don't love each other but do have a great friendship and that bond is just enough. They have 2 girls, both in college.

 

Looks like you have a win win situation here! I didn't know that something like this can happen. Your story is related to mine in that my H is impotent and I had an A with a MM. From the beginning it was clear that we both have no intention of leaving our partners. I guess it's possible to compartmentalize, but I wonder how long before you fall in love with each other though. I'm not done reading everything, but I can't help but respond right away as your story resonates with mine.

[spice4life]

Hi Mike. It sounds like they are at an impasse in their marriage meaning he is mourning the loss of his manhood hence the stubborness and she is seeking distractions out of frustration and not knowing what else she to do. This is not an unsolvable (is that a word?..lol) situation and kinda sad actually. It sounds like she loves her husband, but is throwing her hands up and saying there is nothing else she can do. Is she in individual counseling to deal with the fallout from his accident? Isn't it normal for someone who has suffered an injury that disables them to go through what her husband is going through? I'm no expert, but it seems appropriate that he would need to mourn the loss of the man he feels was before adjusting and accepting the man he has now become. Which by the way, is the same person who just needs to find a healthy way to deal with his new handicap. He won't be able to do that until he snaps out of his denial and realizes that the world does not revolve around him; he has a family who also have needs to consider. It's true that there is nothing she can do about that until he sees it himself though.

 

Sooo, in the meantime, until he deals with the guilt and gets his ego in check regarding his penis, she has found a way to get her needs met. My question is, what happens to you if he does snap out of it and begins to work on repairing the damage in their relationship? Will she stop seeing you and focus on her marriage? How do you feel about that possiblity? Have you thought about that and would it hurt you to lose her? Because if they do end up truly working on their marriage she will have to end the friendship with you completely and go NC. If they do it in a healthy way anyway. Right?

 

Sorry to ask so many questions, but your story brings them all to mind! Are you okay with the possibility that this may end if her husband does come around? Or, were you thinking that this is a perfect fit that can on indefinitely because you don't desire any type of serious relationship with a woman? I guess these are the questions I would be asking myself in this situation and would prepare myself for the possibility that the friendship has an expiration date. Actually, if I was privy to the information you have about their relationship, I would encourage her to find a professional that has experience in dealing with her type of situation, so she has a fighting chance to make healthy decisions regarding her future. As a member of the medical community I imagine you have access to the best referrals in the field. That would be something, as a true friend, you can discuss with her to see if she is willing to go that route.

 

But alas, it sounds like the two of you are just enjoying it for what it is for now. It would be prudent to consider the changes that may happen in the future though. People evolve and there will come a point in time where this won't be enough and changes will be made.

 

I could be off about your situation because I don't know all of the details, but these thoughts came to mind based on your posts so far. Best wishes in the meantime.

[watergirl12]

Pierre, you can not always force your logic/thoughts/definition upon anyone else. NOT want to have a commited/solely relationship with someone 100% DOES NOT equal to low self-esteem. Your personal experience does not mean anything to other people.

 

Hope that clear.

 

 

Thank you for saying something. I was thinking the same thing. These two are able to provide each other something in the restraints that they need it. It works for them. There is nothing else to it. Just a symbiotic relationship.

[Mike90048]

Hi guys. Sorry about being away but I've been out of state for work related matters.

 

Hi Spice,

 

This is not an unsolvable (is that a word?..lol) situation and kinda sad actually. It sounds like she loves her husband, but is throwing her hands up and saying there is nothing else she can do. Is she in individual counseling to deal with the fallout from his accident? Isn't it normal for someone who has suffered an injury that disables them to go through what her husband is going through?

 

I agree, It truly isn't unsolvable but only when you're speaking in a general sense. If Linda and her husband were another couple, I'm sure they would be able to find some great solutions to their problem and learn to live on much happier than they would be otherwise. But Linda's husband is the anchor in the situation. To this day, his stubborn will to do absolutely nothing about his condition is taking its toll on his wife and indirectly, his daughters.

 

After her husband decided to opt out of MC, Linda did take on IC. It didn't help much when everything she was taught and coached for was shot down by her husband. She's basically playing the waiting game now hoping that he decides to join her for some constructive counseling in the near future.

 

I'm no expert, but it seems appropriate that he would need to mourn the loss of the man he feels was before adjusting and accepting the man he has now become.

 

She understands that it's normal for a man in her husband's situation to mourn for similar circumstances and respects that. But, he has made no sign or effort of moving forward to this day and that it is what is unfortunate for their marriage and saddening for Linda. How much longer does she have to wait for him to mourn without showing any appropriate signs of life and change? Even if he just communicated with her, that would help. He doesn't want to even do that. He wants to completely ignore the issue.

 

Which by the way, is the same person who just needs to find a healthy way to deal with his new handicap. He won't be able to do that until he snaps out of his denial and realizes that the world does not revolve around him; he has a family who also have needs to consider. It's true that there is nothing she can do about that until he sees it himself though.

 

I am glad that you mentioned that his family is depending on him and not just Linda. His daughters are being affected by his behavior as well. Just 2 weeks ago, his oldest daughter had invited Linda and her dad to her sorority's annual parent-daughter brunch. Her mother went but her dad refused to go for no apparent reason. Linda pleaded with him to go but he went against it even though his daughter asked him a couple times to go to. It's sad really.

 

My question is, what happens to you if he does snap out of it and begins to work on repairing the damage in their relationship? Will she stop seeing you and focus on her marriage? How do you feel about that possiblity? Have you thought about that and would it hurt you to lose her? Because if they do end up truly working on their marriage she will have to end the friendship with you completely and go NC. If they do it in a healthy way anyway. Right?

 

If he snaps out and begins to cooperate, I will happily step aside and stop seeing Linda. Like I said, I'm not in love with her. We have a very FWB relationship with being friends during the day and lovers at night. No one is falling in love and don't plan on it. I'm not sure if she would necessarily have to end our friendship if we ever stop seeing each other intimately but if it's absolutely necessary, that wouldn't be an issue.

 

Sorry to ask so many questions, but your story brings them all to mind! Are you okay with the possibility that this may end if her husband does come around? Or, were you thinking that this is a perfect fit that can on indefinitely because you don't desire any type of serious relationship with a woman?

 

Don't be sorry! Your questions are great and I honestly had this in mind when I first posted here. I just wanted to give my point of view and answer any questions anyone may have so please free to ask away, even PM if you want.

 

Yes, I am aware that this may end and I am fine with that. And my desire to not get into another serious relationship indefinitely would definitely make it that much easier for Linda and I to part ways.

 

As a member of the medical community I imagine you have access to the best referrals in the field. That would be something, as a true friend, you can discuss with her to see if she is willing to go that route.

 

Trust me my friend, been there, done that. One of my good friends is the vice chair of urology at our hospital and he gave Linda 2 great referrals. One of them is very well known for invasive surgery that helps repair penile trauma. Linda's husband wasn't impressed and didn't even want to look into it.

[spice4life]

Thanks for taking the time to answer my questions! I have a much better understanding now. He sounds so wrapped up in his own stuff that he is ignoring the ones who are most important in his life. They are suffering too and he doesn't see it. That's really sad. She's in a tough spot; there is absolutely no denying that.

 

When I mentioned counseling I meant it more in the sense that it would be to help her cope with her own feelings and help her see she has the right to set boundaries with him and that she has choices. But, that is something she has to want and it doesn't sound like she is ready to work on that yet. Which is fine too. Everyone handles things in their own time right?

 

You appear to be clear about what you want, need and where you stand in all of this. As long as you are happy and can keep it in perspective by staying focused on your life you should be fine (a d-day could change that though). Just be aware that if she decides to focus on her marriage at some point, you may find that the friendship meant more to you than you thought. It will probably hurt a lot. However, based on what you've posted, it may take a huge wake up call, like losing his family, for her husband to snap out of his current state of mind.

 

I don't know if any of what I posted helps or not...lol. Life has thrown Linda and her family quite a test and it has to make you wonder how it will all work out for them.

Edited January 7, 2013 by spice4life

[Michael Johnson]

Hi guys. I’m new here and noticed that there were a lot of posts made by OW in this section. I figured I should share my experience and story as the OM. I’m 43 years old, divorced 5 years, and have a 17-year-old son. My MW (Linda) and I work at the same hospital. I am an executive director while she is a nurse practitioner. I have been working there for 8 years while Linda has been working there for 5 years. I was in the final phases of my divorce when I met Linda. She is 42, gorgeous, married for 20 years, and has 2 daughters (both in college). Despite how attractive I thought she was, I knew she was a married woman and had no intention to pursue her because that wasn’t me. But, we did become good coffee-break buddies and lunch partners which spurred a great friendship.

We would talk about anything and everything and became closer friends.

 

That lasted for the first 3 years but by the fourth year, things changed a little. Linda was a little less upbeat than she used to be and it always seemed like she had something on her mind. Our lunches and breaks became less frequent. In December of last year, I finally decided to ask her what was wrong and that if I was the problem. She said no, of course not. She had the courage to open up to me and tell me that her she and her husband have been dealing with a huge problem the past year. Her husband had gotten into an accident a year prior to our discussion and had injured his privates. As a result, his ability to have sex again was pretty much gone. Linda and her husband had no intercourse that entire year and the intimacy they could have was down to a minimum, almost non-existent, due to her husband’s stubbornness. She said her self-esteem was shot because she didn’t feel desired anymore but she loved her husband with all her heart and stood by him during the ordeal and would continue to be the wife she wants and needs to be for him.

 

One week later, Linda, her friend/co-worker, and I went out to eat. After a couple of hours, her friend excused herself to get back to her husband while Linda and I continued to drink a little bit more. Linda’s husband was on a business trip out of town for the weekend and she said she hated it when he’d go away because she’d be all alone with the girls still away in school. I asked her if she wanted to come over to my house to see a movie we both really wanted to see with absolutely no intention of doing anything with her and I say that with complete honesty. I really felt bad for her and didn’t want her to be home alone drunk. We took a cab to my place and started watching the movie. Long story short, we ended up having sex a couple times that night. She texted me the next day telling me that the night before was wonderful and that I was a great friend. I returned the compliment.

 

A couple of days later, she comes over to my place again for dinner and sex again. She thanks me for providing that release from the stress she has in her marriage and making her feel wanted again. She said she’d like for us to continue seeing each other as did I. But she made it clear that her husband came first and then me which I completely understood. From that day on, we started seeing each other 1-2X a week. Coming over to my place during the week was no problem because my son lives at my ex-wife’s house during the school year. And because he lives with me during the summer, I decided to introduce Linda to him as my lady friend and let him know that she’d be coming over to hang out from time to time. He and Linda got along really well from the start. I told my ex-wife about Linda and I later on and Linda told her best friend and sister about us at about the 5 month mark.

 

Everything has been going great between us. Additionally, Linda is happier at home which is definitely helping their marriage. She always makes sure that her home life is in proper order before meeting up with me and when we do meet up, she makes sure to check in with her husband before we do anything. As I mentioned earlier, I never intended on pursing a married woman. But, when I realized that the problem between Linda and her husband was irreparable and that I would not be coming in between their overall happiness and marriage, the weight of that guilt began lifting from my shoulders. I don’t want to steal her away or anything. Just want to do what we both rationalized to be ok and fair. I’d be open to answering any questions you guys may have or expanding on certain stories or issues that have stemmed from my experience. And just maybe, I might be able convince Linda to get involved with this discussion too. Thanks!

 

Your situation isn't in any way unique. Despite his medical and psychological issues, you're still engaging in an affair with married woman. Call it "sexual need" or whatever else to justify it, but both of you are hurting this man.