My story as the OM

[Mike90048]

Hi guys. I’m new here and noticed that there were a lot of posts made by OW in this section. I figured I should share my experience and story as the OM. I’m 43 years old, divorced 5 years, and have a 17-year-old son. My MW (Linda) and I work at the same hospital. I am an executive director while she is a nurse practitioner. I have been working there for 8 years while Linda has been working there for 5 years. I was in the final phases of my divorce when I met Linda. She is 42, gorgeous, married for 20 years, and has 2 daughters (both in college). Despite how attractive I thought she was, I knew she was a married woman and had no intention to pursue her because that wasn’t me. But, we did become good coffee-break buddies and lunch partners which spurred a great friendship.

We would talk about anything and everything and became closer friends.

 

That lasted for the first 3 years but by the fourth year, things changed a little. Linda was a little less upbeat than she used to be and it always seemed like she had something on her mind. Our lunches and breaks became less frequent. In December of last year, I finally decided to ask her what was wrong and that if I was the problem. She said no, of course not. She had the courage to open up to me and tell me that her she and her husband have been dealing with a huge problem the past year. Her husband had gotten into an accident a year prior to our discussion and had injured his privates. As a result, his ability to have sex again was pretty much gone. Linda and her husband had no intercourse that entire year and the intimacy they could have was down to a minimum, almost non-existent, due to her husband’s stubbornness. She said her self-esteem was shot because she didn’t feel desired anymore but she loved her husband with all her heart and stood by him during the ordeal and would continue to be the wife she wants and needs to be for him.

 

One week later, Linda, her friend/co-worker, and I went out to eat. After a couple of hours, her friend excused herself to get back to her husband while Linda and I continued to drink a little bit more. Linda’s husband was on a business trip out of town for the weekend and she said she hated it when he’d go away because she’d be all alone with the girls still away in school. I asked her if she wanted to come over to my house to see a movie we both really wanted to see with absolutely no intention of doing anything with her and I say that with complete honesty. I really felt bad for her and didn’t want her to be home alone drunk. We took a cab to my place and started watching the movie. Long story short, we ended up having sex a couple times that night. She texted me the next day telling me that the night before was wonderful and that I was a great friend. I returned the compliment.

 

A couple of days later, she comes over to my place again for dinner and sex again. She thanks me for providing that release from the stress she has in her marriage and making her feel wanted again. She said she’d like for us to continue seeing each other as did I. But she made it clear that her husband came first and then me which I completely understood. From that day on, we started seeing each other 1-2X a week. Coming over to my place during the week was no problem because my son lives at my ex-wife’s house during the school year. And because he lives with me during the summer, I decided to introduce Linda to him as my lady friend and let him know that she’d be coming over to hang out from time to time. He and Linda got along really well from the start. I told my ex-wife about Linda and I later on and Linda told her best friend and sister about us at about the 5 month mark.

 

Everything has been going great between us. Additionally, Linda is happier at home which is definitely helping their marriage. She always makes sure that her home life is in proper order before meeting up with me and when we do meet up, she makes sure to check in with her husband before we do anything. As I mentioned earlier, I never intended on pursing a married woman. But, when I realized that the problem between Linda and her husband was irreparable and that I would not be coming in between their overall happiness and marriage, the weight of that guilt began lifting from my shoulders. I don’t want to steal her away or anything. Just want to do what we both rationalized to be ok and fair. I’d be open to answering any questions you guys may have or expanding on certain stories or issues that have stemmed from my experience. And just maybe, I might be able convince Linda to get involved with this discussion too. Thanks!

[whichwayisup]

She needs to tell her husband about you and together they can decide to have an open marriage. Otherwise, this just an affair and people are going to get hurt.

 

Question. Did you tell your ex wife, and your son that Linda is married?

[Mike90048]

She needs to tell her husband about you and together they can decide to have an open marriage. Otherwise, this just an affair and people are going to get hurt.

 

Question. Did you tell your ex wife, and your son that Linda is married?

 

It's been a year since we started seeing each other and everything has gone smoothly and we don't expect anyone who would get hurt if they found out to find out about us. But I will say we have discussed the idea of her telling her husband one day eventually if our arrangement keeps moving forward. She still doesn't know if or when she'd tell him though.

 

Yes, I did tell my ex-wife a couple months into it. She seems to be ok with it and understands where Linda is coming from but she personally thinks that Linda should also bring it up to her husband. My son found out Linda was married when he saw her wedding ring and heard her talking on the phone with her husband one day. He's a mature and smart kid so I decided to sit down with him one day and explain to him the situation in details so that he could better understand what is going on.

[Mike90048]

YOu must have incredible low self esteem. I suggest IC ASAP.

 

My self-esteem is just fine. I'm just a realist and didn't expect her to put me before her own husband in this particular situation. I can move on from the situation but I choose to stay because I like it.

[Mount]

Pierre, you can not always force your logic/thoughts/definition upon anyone else. NOT want to have a commited/solely relationship with someone 100% DOES NOT equal to low self-esteem. Your personal experience does not mean anything to other people.

 

Hope that clear.

 

YOu must have incredible low self esteem. I suggest IC ASAP.

[Mike90048]

Does the "stubborn" hubby go away often for business trips on the weekends?

 

He goes about once or twice a month. And yes, he is stubborn in that he doesn't make any real attempts to please his wife or make her happy. His accident was tragic but not unavoidable and it was his decision to put himself in that position in the first place. She stood by him willing to do anything he needed to make it work with what he still had but he refused to put in the effort.

 

She would never get a divorce because she loves him a lot and fears that if she even did, he would never be able to find someone again. She loves him enough to be there for him but can't stand the idea of living the rest of her life in an unbalanced marriage. She's not your typical MW in an A. She has very limited options.

[coffeebean201]

You are a pretty open guy.

 

Sounds like she emotionally still loves him.

[Tenacity]

Mike,

 

Your posts have been very articulate and clear - and this is a long-term relationship. It's evident that you care deeply for her. It's also evident that you and she have been very open with each other and you have accepted it.

 

As for the comment about your self-esteem -- there are some here who think that anytime you are 'okay' with being in an A, you have low self-esteem. This is a complete generalization and no one who does not know you can possibly know this about you from an internet post. My opinion. If it doesn't apply, ignore.

 

Here is a very important question for you, and it isn't found in your posts thus far -- what inspired you to post here? Or to phrase it in a slightly different way, what kind of responses were you looking to get from us?

 

One thing in your last post caught my attention:

 

She's not your typical MW in an A. She has very limited options.

 

What do you think is the "typical" MW in an A? Why do you think she is different? I would caution you against thinking that her situation is indeed that different. Details can vary, but many women who find themselves in this situation -- and on this forum -- have stories similar to yours overall. And they too feel that they have limited options. It's not that different, from my experience.

 

That is not to say that she is not in a terrible bind. It seems she is.

 

I think 2 things need to be addressed:

 

1) Respect to her H. Yes, I get that his ego is likely completely blown to the point that he wants nothing to do with any intimacy if he can't completely satisfy her. Can you even imagine what it must be like to be in that position? How you would feel in his shoes if you were to find out that she found it somewhere else, when he couldn't give it to her? Can you even begin to imagine the blow that would be?

 

I understand that perhaps he brought some of this on himself, for whatever reasons. But perhaps we can make an exception to some extent given his accident and resultant handicap. And, his wife clearly loves him and places him first, even now - so he can't be an all bad guy, right?

 

Do you think he deserves to know that his wife is stepping out on him sexually (and emotionally)? I am asking if that is something you can live with.... the deceit to him that you are participating in.

 

2) What do you want for YOUR future?

 

Is this good enough for you long-term? Because you will need to actively accept that you are in second place to another man and you will never truly be with this woman (other than once or twice a week for sex and for your friendship) as long as she remains married, and she clearly intends to remain married. You are relatively young. Big question: is what you have with her really so good that you are willing to give up your future with someone else full-time to be with her on her limited availability?

 

These are honest questions. Thank you for sharing your story.

[Saba]

He goes about once or twice a month. And yes, he is stubborn in that he doesn't make any real attempts to please his wife or make her happy. His accident was tragic but not unavoidable and it was his decision to put himself in that position in the first place. She stood by him willing to do anything he needed to make it work with what he still had but he refused to put in the effort.

 

Seems like the normal intro story .... until you insinuate that he purposely injured his privates and now your poor MW isnt satisfied. Does that really seem likely to you, or have you put a weird spin on it?

[seren]

Mike, I think Tenacity has nailed it, if her husband's self esteem is at an all time low because of the accident, think how low it will be if and when he finds out. I can see why you are asked about your self esteem as it sounded very much like you were providing a sexual role rather than being in an A and it having its roots in fulfilling a sexual need. I can understand that it has developed into one where there is an emotional element. But, that she has stayed and that she loves her H suggests that she is able to compartmentalise both aspects of her life and I wonder what box she has put you into. If it is the one marked, just for sex and to boost her self esteem, are you happy with that?

 

I wonder if they have explored counselling to help them with their sex life, not that you would know what has happened, but it seems to me that if the sexual side of their relationship were fixed, there would be no A. I read over and over here on LS about AP's who are hurt to the core to learn that the WS is in love with their BS and that the role of the AP has been simply for sex and wonder how you deal with that.

 

How do you see this panning out? If she does tell her H that she has her sexual needs met by Mike, do you think he will just accept it and would you feel comfortable with that? Sounds as though you are investing emotion into this. Do you want more and does she? I would always say for the BS to be told so they can make an informed choice, in this case I am torn, his self esteem, already low, will be shattered. How many people would choose to wave off the person they love so they can have sex with another? Takes a bigger person than me. I also wonder at how it makes you feel to know they still share a loving relationship.

 

It sounds like a recipe for disaster and I would examine very carefully what my role was, if I was happy with it and what the future held. Maybe because I am a woman I feel differently, I couldn't let myself be used for sex, not too sure many men would either.

It is an unusual situation and I am not sure if I have the dynamics right. Do you love her? does she love you and have you talked about her leaving? Finally do they have children?

[18Years2Late]

Where can I get one of these?...:bunny:

[road]

Having an affair is wrong.

 

Having an affair and bringing the OW around your son is worse. You have taught him that it is ok to bang married woman, to have affairs, to cheat, to wreck marriages.

 

You need to get in an appropriate relationship.

 

This OW needs to tell her BH.

[tori0001]

You really don't know if he's ok or not.

[tori0001]

Very true.

[Mike90048]

what inspired you to post here? Or to phrase it in a slightly different way, what kind of responses were you looking to get from us?

 

I just wanted to share my experience as the OM. I wasn't trying to "gloat" or seek validation from anyone. I've been an occasional lurker in the past and after seeing all the posts by OW, I thought I could share my story.

 

What do you think is the "typical" MW in an A? Why do you think she is different?

 

I apologize if that came off in the wrong way but I meant that most MW have two options when entering an A. One, not have an A and focus on fixing the problems in her marriage that are leading her to an A. Two, if the issues are not fixable, divorce and move on. Sorry, I don't buy into the "lets stay together for the kids" premise. Linda has neither one of those options. She tried to fix the intimacy issue for an entire year.

 

She told him that she wanted to try other things and cater to his abilities. She also asked him to join her in some MC sessions and maybe see a sex therapist. He refused to do any of the above, not out of selfish spite but out of stubbornness. Yes, I understand that his condition can be debilitating emotionally and mentally but when there are other options on the table for you, you have to seriously consider picking them up.

 

She also can't leave him because she loves him and knows that he wouldn't be able to find anyone else in the future sadly; not for certain but more than likely it will be that way.

 

Can you even imagine what it must be like to be in that position? How you would feel in his shoes if you were to find out that she found it somewhere else, when he couldn't give it to her? Can you even begin to imagine the blow that would be?

 

I agree with you 100%. If he were to find out about this, it would be a lot worse on top of how he might be feeling right now. But Linda isn't doing this in hopes of hurting him but rather to help herself as selfish as they may sound. But at the same time, she wants to be there for her husband. She believes she has no other options and can't bear the thought of living the rest of her life as just some ignored and devalued partner. I mentioned that she was thinking about telling him sometime in the future but that truly is unlikely because she knows how horribly he would probably take it. We have been careful enough for him not to find out and be able to live his life happier than he would be in other circumstances.

 

What do you want for YOUR future?

 

I don't want any long-term relationships with any women in the future anymore. I was never the type to get married in college but I did and had a great son from that marriage. After my divorce, I realized I should just focus on myself and my happiness. I don't expect Linda to become my gf or wife. We are great friends and partners in bed. We both want it to be left that way.

 

Great input btw. I appreciate that.

[Mike90048]

Seems like the normal intro story .... until you insinuate that he purposely injured his privates and now your poor MW isnt satisfied. Does that really seem likely to you, or have you put a weird spin on it?

 

I guess I should have clarified from the beginning. Linda's husband injured his privates in a jet-skiiing accident. That day, he was originally supposed to go to the furniture store with Linda and buy their son a couple of things for his apartment. Her husband told Linda that he had other plans for that day and that they could go later that weekend being that their son's school didn't start for a while.

 

She mentioned to him that her friend's husband (who live by the beach) said that the waves have been exceptionally stronger and higher. He said he didn't care and still went through with his plans. I'm not faulting him for getting into the accident because accidents happen to everyone and they are all tragic regardless of the back story. But, you can't say he was injured doing something completely necessary for his own good or his family's.

 

Like all other people who get into situations like that, you adapt and move on. It's a hard struggle but you must do it. He has yet to adapt and it seems as if he doesn't want to even try for whatever reason. Linda can accept his state of physical well-being but cannot accept his state of mind. She wants him to help her help him but he isn't budging.

[Mike90048]

I wonder if they have explored counselling to help them with their sex life, not that you would know what has happened, but it seems to me that if the sexual side of their relationship were fixed, there would be no A.

 

She has brought up counseling and has even given her husband contact info of various therapists they can see and he isn't at all interested or motivated and not because he's depressed. He's just very indifferent to the idea of seeking help or adapting to their situation. And I agree with you, Seren. If he managed to go to counseling and learn how to compensate for his situation in various ways, she would not be coming to me at all or any other man for that matter.

 

And no we don't love each other but do have a great friendship and that bond is just enough. They have 2 girls, both in college.

[Mike90048]

You have taught him that it is ok to bang married woman, to have affairs, to cheat, to wreck marriages.

 

I see how you would think that but during our talk, I made sure to tell my son that Linda's situation wasn't as cut and dry. I was just about to tell him that pursuing married women in general was wrong and not good but he told me that he would never do something like that before I could even say a thing.

 

He's talked to Linda and heard her side of the story and has a keen understanding of her situation and why she is doing what she is doing. But overall, he knows that infidelity isn't the answer for majority of the time.

[Mike90048]

Ah dude. You sound like a very naive OM. Why do some OWs and OMs are so naive? Is it the strong need for validation? Is it a mechanism of defense to accept their abysmal low self esteem?

 

I don't know what you're gripe is with having low self esteem but I can assure you my self-esteem is better than ever. I like being friends with Linda and don't expect anything more because NEITHER one of us wants anything more. I don't need validation. I may sound like an ******* saying all that but I'm just saying there is no underlying necessity for me to validate myself because how I may feel about myself.

 

The injury to the penis tale is MOW's way to justify the fact that she is a cake eater. It justifies her philandering to both you and her.

 

Actually, other people have attested to his injuries from what I've heard from my own ears and I have seen the hospital bills, prescriptions, etc that came from his accident. The accident is as real as it can be and so was his injury.

[Mike90048]

Golly. What a coincidence that not even a week after "Linda" confided in you that she'd had no sex/intimacy/intercourse with her husband for a whole YEAR, you suddenly "felt bad that she might be home alone drunk so you invited her to watch a movie at YOUR place." Since when is being home alone and drunk some sort of affliction that no human should endure and must be rescued from? What a crock.

 

I'm calling complete and total bullsh*t on your claim of innocence for having her over your house. You knew EXACTLY why you invited her there.

 

You can not believe me all you want but that was the complete truth. In fact, I will tell you how it all happened. When we did get to my house, I immediately popped in the DVD and sat on my couch while Linda was already sitting on the other couch 15 feet away. That's what I intended for the entire night.

 

At the end of the movie, I'd be sober enough to drop her back off home or just let her sleep in my guest room for the night. She gets up in the middle of the movie and takes a bathroom break. When she gets back, she comes to sit on my couch right next to me. A little bit of nudging here and there and it just happened.

 

Like I said, you can doubt me all you want but I had completely innocent intentions that night and didn't even have the talk we had a week ago in my mind.

[Mike90048]

Famous last words.

 

Don't fool yourself. You introduced Linda to your child and yet you claim you don't expect her to become your "girlfriend?"

 

You sound like another OP here who claims the same thing: I am happy the way things are, MM has met my family, etc. . . . but I don't want him to leave or anything.

 

Don't buy it for a minute.

 

Yes, I introduced her to him because I felt that he should know who the woman is that is coming over to spend time with his dad every week. I didn't introduce her to him as his future step-mom.

 

As I said before, I don't want a relationship with Linda and she doesn't want one with me.

[Mike90048]

He's capable of working and traveling on frequent weekend business trips.

So it was just his penis that was injured and not able to heal?

 

Yes, only his privates. He had a torn MCL and meniscus as well but they were fixed through surgery later on. He's fully capable of doing other normal every-day things.

[Tenacity]

Let me clarify something from a medical perspective for those of you who think that this kind of injury must literally be an injury to the penis and that it is unusual.

 

Impotence from injury is actually not at all unusual. It can follow pelvic fracture and injury to the urethra. There are a series of nerves, arteries, and veins (not located IN the penis) which are responsible for blood flow necessary for erection and injury to these can lead in permanent impotence. Of course injury to the penis itself is also possible, but impairment of blood flow that can occur from various injuries sustained in an accident is not as off the wall as it is being made out to be here.

 

Of course it is possible that someone might make this up. However there is no evidence anywhere in these posts to lead anyone to think that this is not actually the case, so anyone who makes statements suggesting that it is a lie has nothing to base this on whatsoever.

[Mount]

Why everyone here liked to nitpick the something that Original poster had made very clear. You guys have to ACCEPT it is what it is. Mike and his MW are content with their relationship, so pls spare your sour and harsh words just because you had experience in been played, dumped, or your changing mind to end your relationship.

 

We all KNOW what we are doing here. Life is a game/gamble, if you don't know how to play, no one stops you to leave.

 

 

 

He's capable of working and traveling on frequent weekend business trips.

So it was just his penis that was injured and not able to heal?

[Decorative]

Why everyone here liked to nitpick the something that Original poster had made very clear. You guys have to ACCEPT it is what it is. Mike and his MW are content with their relationship, so pls spare your sour and harsh words just because you had experience in been played, dumped, or your changing mind to end your relationship.

 

We all KNOW what we are doing here. Life is a game/gamble, if you don't know how to play, no one stops you to leave.

 

Clarify for me.

 

What does "no one stops you to leave" mean?

 

My initial read of that phrase has to be wrong, because at first blush, it looks like you are advocating suicide if one doesn't wish to play a "game" with their life?