Brit Posted December 22, 2012 Posted December 22, 2012 Jesus, maybe I am old fashion, but the fact that the man told you he was using another woman for just sex, and he did so knowing he had no feelings for her, WHILE, you are only 2.5 hours away and an option, is a huge red flag. Sorry if a man is trully wishing to make a great impression on you and sees a future with you, the LAST thing he would do is tell you this.
Author edgygirl Posted December 22, 2012 Author Posted December 22, 2012 No not at all, your comment was totally valid and very interesting for me. This guy did have exes, he lived with this last one for 3 years. But I know he's been single for 4 so who knows how his head is working now with the emotional issues. Do you think your friend with the proper emotional support from a SO would have done better? Good point again, good to hear there might be something positive. And yes I would like to meet him and go on a few dates to see if there's some hope in there. Thanks If it seemed like I was trying to detour you from a relationship with this man I'm not. My friend also never had a girlfriend. If he had that sort of outlet he might not have been so worried about other things. Just being married and him being a friend I couldn't take the role of emotional support he should be getting from a significant other. Plus he wasn't changing his patterns. Fact your guy avoids family and doesn't seem like he is swimming in damage seems to be a positive. Few dates isn't gonna kill you to get a better feel.
Brit Posted December 22, 2012 Posted December 22, 2012 You asked a question and the only answer you are interested in is the one you wished to hear when you asked the question. Maybe it will work out as your imagination hopes.
Author edgygirl Posted December 22, 2012 Author Posted December 22, 2012 I am very open sexually. Not saying it's a good thing but I am. And we are open about sex and talked about it, he knows how I am, so that's probably why he feels comfortable telling me that. I know it's not the norm but well, that's what it is. Also, at the time when he did it I was seeing someone else but and he knew about it. oh well. I have used men just for sex, more than in one occasion. Well, we both knew it was ONS, so I wouldn't call it using. I am okay with you being different or more old fashion than me, so I also ask you not to judge. And, He is not "truly" anything. As I told you, he's damaged and seems unable to have a normal connection with women these days. As I said, I don't mind he told me this and I told him I went on a few dates too. These days we are more in touch again and that's why I asked here if I should give this a chance. Jesus, maybe I am old fashion, but the fact that the man told you he was using another woman for just sex, and he did so knowing he had no feelings for her, WHILE, you are only 2.5 hours away and an option, is a huge red flag. Sorry if a man is trully wishing to make a great impression on you and sees a future with you, the LAST thing he would do is tell you this.
Author edgygirl Posted December 22, 2012 Author Posted December 22, 2012 My question was mainly how can I deal with this and perhaps make it work. Not really if I should quick him and forget about it. So I do appreciate answers that tell me possibilities to make this work and real life examples that are similar. Or do you think because someone is damaged they don't deserve to be loved and supported by a potential SO? You asked a question and the only answer you are interested in is the one you wished to hear when you asked the question. Maybe it will work out as your imagination hopes.
FitChick Posted December 22, 2012 Posted December 22, 2012 If you are on the fence about this guy, at least meet him before making any decisions. Tell him you will come to his city if he sends you a ticket. You can stay at his place if he has a spare bedroom (you can decide later if you will sleep in that bedroom) or he can pay for a hotel nearby. Give him three different hotels near his place. Then if he backs out of the meeting, you won't be out of pocket. The most important thing, in my opinion, is how motivated he will be to get therapy after he meets you. If he feels you aren't worth the effort, he won't and you can ditch him. He sounds depressed. At the very least I'd suggest he break off all contact with his family so he can heal. I met someone similar to this guy but he was in therapy, wasn't happy with his therapist, so was looking for something better, which I suggested. At least he was still searching for answers and knew he needed to change. Much better than someone who blames everyone else for his problems. 1
Brit Posted December 22, 2012 Posted December 22, 2012 I have no judgement toward you, just damn good advice, but I did not know you use sex loosely, and are very open minded. This will not lead you to a long term relationship and family with this man as you earlier claimed you were looking for, but you may get a few great lays out of it, if he is not as dull with sex as he is in personality.
Author edgygirl Posted December 22, 2012 Author Posted December 22, 2012 Thank you FitChick. That might be a great idea. I was avoiding going there as the tradition says a guy should make the effort etc. But in his case, he is obviously not the norm and things won't be the norm, so I might as well just do something like that to check things out and see if it's worth it. You are right regarding therapy and honestly it was such a relief when he himself told me today that he thinks he needs it. It's a great start for anyone right, specially men, that are usually not that in touch with their feelings as we are. Did your guy ever get a little better or you lost contact?
Author edgygirl Posted December 22, 2012 Author Posted December 22, 2012 Brit, I've been in this board for a month and changed my mind completely about sex, look at my first posts and you'll see the whole picture. I am planning not to be lose about it as you said. But I have been in the past. I understand where you come from, but I started talking with this guy before changing my mind about intimacy etc. Still, I don't and won't judge a guy who want to have ONS while single.
FitChick Posted December 22, 2012 Posted December 22, 2012 I was avoiding going there as the tradition says a guy should make the effort etc. Did your guy ever get a little better or you lost contact? Yes, the guy should make the effort but if he is unable or unwilling to travel, he still has to show sincere interest by paying for you to travel. It shows you that he thinks you are worth it. It's too early to tell with the man I was dating and I'm not sitting around waiting for him to change. Even if he did, that wouldn't guarantee anything. He knows I am dating other men. He still has too much drama with his ex-wife for me to get emotionally invested at this time.
Brit Posted December 22, 2012 Posted December 22, 2012 "Or do you think because someone is damaged they don't deserve to be loved and supported by a potential SO?" Thank you for this quote, this quote alone has answered my question of why women go on prison dating personals and date prisoners and even marry them in a jail cell ceremony. Wow cells have come up again. Edgy, just looking out for you, yes it is okay to be a friend and give advise, and encourage counselling, but please listen to xxoo, and let him heal first and then date/sleep with him. But I feel this will fall upon deaf ears.
Author edgygirl Posted December 22, 2012 Author Posted December 22, 2012 Interesting, thanks. I see you understand me I appreciate that. Sometimes a relationship doesn't work at one moment and things are dynamic and might change in the future and it's okay. Couples don't necessarily have to have the right start, the right relationship and happy finally, sometimes it doesn't work like that and goes around in circles. btw I agree with your point that my guy might be depressed. Question: what is my "excuse" in asking him to pay for a possible ticket if it ever comes down to it? I am a little embarrassed by those things and don't want to seem cheap / like I'm using him / or that I can't afford one. While I agree that he should pay if he can't make it here, yes, as a token of interest etc. (hope people don't start crucifying me for using him for a ticket here hahah).
Author edgygirl Posted December 22, 2012 Author Posted December 22, 2012 please listen to xxoo, and let him heal first and then date/sleep with him. But I feel this will fall upon deaf ears. No it won't fall on deaf ears. I appreciate all comments and will think about it very carefully. but I do find it laughable to compare me with a woman who'd go for prison mates. I don't have that saviour tendency. That's why I'm here to try and find a light.
Author edgygirl Posted December 22, 2012 Author Posted December 22, 2012 FitChick, sorry this was for you would be great to hear your opinion Question: what is my "excuse" in asking him to pay for a possible ticket if it ever comes down to it? I am a little embarrassed by those things and don't want to seem cheap / like I'm using him / or that I can't afford one. While I agree that he should pay if he can't make it here, yes, as a token of interest etc. (hope people don't start crucifying me for using him for a ticket here hahah).
Vercetti Posted December 22, 2012 Posted December 22, 2012 No not at all, your comment was totally valid and very interesting for me. This guy did have exes, he lived with this last one for 3 years. But I know he's been single for 4 so who knows how his head is working now with the emotional issues. Do you think your friend with the proper emotional support from a SO would have done better? Good point again, good to hear there might be something positive. And yes I would like to meet him and go on a few dates to see if there's some hope in there. Thanks I would like to think a girlfriend would have changed his outlook. Only he had far more problems then the daddy issues. Egocentric / immature / cocksure / easily offend. His perspective on the opposite sex was abhorrent. Basically a no win scenario with this guy he " cant win for losing " and bad things only happen to him. He never got the entire create your own reality thing. Love is risky. If this guy is like some Rainman Norman Bates after a few dates then duh cut it off. Fact he had a few LTR tells me he isn't totally glitched. Have fun, he could wind up being your new years kiss.
Author edgygirl Posted December 22, 2012 Author Posted December 22, 2012 haha hilarious references and I agree. aww for the last part Love is risky. If this guy is like some Rainman Norman Bates after a few dates then duh cut it off. Fact he had a few LTR tells me he isn't totally glitched. Have fun, he could wind up being your new years kiss. 1
FitChick Posted December 23, 2012 Posted December 23, 2012 Then hold out and insist he visits you first. You can lie and say you've wasted too much time and money on men who had no interest in long distance and you want to know that he is sincere in getting to know you. Because it would mean both of you traveling back and forth, not just one. That way you are more invested, financially and energy-wise, in making the relationship work. People don't appreciate anything that is handed to them. I don't make a lot of money so unless I am planning to be in some guy's city/country, they have to fly here or send me a ticket or they will never meet me. Separates the serious from the wankers! It's never been a big problem. I generally pay for the follow up trip to them. One man wanted to see me more often than I could reasonably afford, so he paid for my subsequent trips.
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