Guy with emotional issues - yes or no?

[edgygirl]

So I've been talking with this man I met online earlier this year. He lives in a city that is a 2.5 hours flight away. To follow my trend this year, he also happens to be a doctor (a director for a hosp. division) but I haven't mentioned him in this forum yet.

 

He's 42, very handsome and very successful. We talked on Skype and used to message a lot. I know about his life from online research, so he's not lying about his identity or so. The issue is he seems to be kind of a loner, introvert of some sort and has a few emotional issues, and he finally revealed to me where they come from.

 

He says he really doesn't get along with his family and parents (they live in my city and seem to be really wealthy, by his father position and area/street they live). He basically says they're arrogant, selfish. He says his (married) brother treats him really bad. I wouldn't normally think this is such a big issue for someone over 40 who is independent but it seems to have affected him somehow.

 

But today I asked why isn't he making more effort to find a partner (i.e. coming to finally meet me! lol). He said "I don't know, I think I kind of given up". And then he said: "I think I need therapy". So I encouraged him to just go for it, that he deserves to be happy etc. and not let his family background get in the way of having a happy fulfilling life. He agreed. In a way, sometimes I feel like I am talking to an emotionally immature kid although he's a f'ing medical director... Then I asked again about his family and if this was the reason that caused him having problems finding someone after his last breakup, 5 years ago. I specifically asked about his mom. He mentioned that she is the worst of them all. He said she is very negative, and negative about him. I said what else could she possibly want, as he is successful etc? Was it that he gets married? He replied that nothing is ever good enough for her, including his exes. That she hated his last ex. Why? Cause she thought the ex had "low class behavior". I asked if that's why the relationship ended and he said no, but that it also didn't help. He said his mother is very sick (in her head, I assume). I would imagine his mother to be around 75 yo.

 

Anyway, I really like this guy, he is my ideal guy on paper, intelligence and looks, but I know it's risky territory because of his emotional issues and apparent low emotional intelligence coefficient. He has presented a lot of typical introvert behavior but I am not 100% sure that is the case. I am not sure how to deal with this/him either. He keeps saying he feels lonely in the city he moved to 4 years ago for his current job (he used to live in my city most of his life), but he doesn't seem to make a real effort to meet someone (anyone, not only me).

 

I have a feeling I could deal with him having emotional issues if we were a match. But it seems weird to go into it knowing about it, it's kind of scary.

 

We tried to meet a couple of months ago but it didn't work out. We do have some communication issues and it's hard for me to read him. The introvert thing maybe. I don't think it's something related to me, it's just the way he is. He had mentioned on Skype that I am "too much" for him, above his league, that I'm too beautiful which was kind of weird as a guy like this could get a model if he wanted and if it wasn't for his emotional issues I guess. So... we are talking about meeting over the holidays or beginning of next year, but he has to check re: work etc.

 

My question is: how do you deal with someone who is a little damaged emotionally, and is it worth it? - specially given that he lives in another city for now? It's probably not ideal but it's hard to let go of someone who has seemingly a lot of the things you want.

 

-- sorry for the ginourmous post, I hope some good soul has patience to read it

Edited December 22, 2012 by edgygirl

[xxoo]

My question is: how do you deal with someone who is a little damaged emotionally, and is it worth it? - specially given that he lives in another city for now? It's probably not ideal but it's hard to let go of someone who has seemingly a lot of the things you want.

 

-- sorry for the ginourmous post, I hope some good soul has patience to read it

 

Everyone is a little emotionally damaged.

 

More important questions:

 

Is he interested in a relationship?

Is he interested in a relationship with you?

 

I'm curious about what it is that this guy offers that you want. Is it really him, or is it his looks, status, and income?

[Brit]

Everyone is a little emotionally damaged.

 

More important questions:

 

Is he interested in a relationship?

Is he interested in a relationship with you?

 

I'm curious about what it is that this guy offers that you want. Is it really him, or is it his looks, status, and income?

 

I see red flags all over, with you and the man you are describing. Take out doctor insert ________, he is simply a guy, you need to take out Board of_______.

He has never been married and is in his 40s....

He has not seemed to be too enthusiatic to meet up with you.

He is giving you lines that you are too good for him, and you are falling for them.

42 and his family is dictating his love life, his life in general.

He sounds creepy; if you inserted Plumber, would you be asking all this or knowing the guy is a creep. If you want a doc find a better minded one.

[edgygirl]

Yes but he seems to be more than most people.

 

He says all the time that he is very interested in a relationship. His profile, if I remember correctly said he is looking for marriage and kids and someone to feel emotionally close to. I am not sure he is capable of developing a healthy relationship though and I am not sure why as I haven't met him live yet.

 

He seemed extremely interested in me mostly in the beginning but we have phases... We used to be in constant contact since we met, but it chilled a bit in the last couple of months (I kind of gave up on him as he seems too confusing and plans to come see me were never fulfilled - once it was my fault, another his). He always tells me to come visit, but I think he should be the one to come first.

 

Well, attraction is attraction and we know our type right? Physically he is exactly the kind of men I like, he is kind of a genius in his profession (I read the journals he write and I can't even begin to understand his research on cells etc) and I love science geeks, having a good status and income is not a bad thing but it's not the main thing for me as long as the guy can keep a family when needed I'm fine. What attracted me most in the beginning was his sarcastic sense of humor and him being quite quirky. AND him being worldly, as me. we had a lot to talk about re: trips and upbringing etc.

 

I will only know if there's real chemistry when we meet, but you know, online he is the kind of guy I usually like.

 

How do I deal with this, it's so confusing.

 

Everyone is a little emotionally damaged.

 

More important questions:

 

Is he interested in a relationship?

Is he interested in a relationship with you?

 

I'm curious about what it is that this guy offers that you want. Is it really him, or is it his looks, status, and income?

Edited December 22, 2012 by edgygirl

[Brit]

Yes but he seems to be more than most people.

 

He says all the time that he is very interested in a relationship. His profile, if I remember correctly said he is looking for marriage and kids and someone to feel emotionally close to. I am not sure he is capable of developing a healthy relationship though and I am not sure why as I haven't met him live yet.

 

He seemed extremely interested in me mostly in the beginning but we have phases... We used to be in constant contact since we met, but it chilled a bit in the last couple of months (I kind of gave up on him as he seems too confusing and plans to come see me were never fulfilled - once it was my fault, another his). He always tells me to come visit, but I think he should be the one to come first.

 

Well, attraction is attraction and we know our type right? Physically he is exactly the kind of men I like, he is kind of a genius in his profession (I read the journals he write and I can't even begin to understand his research on cells etc) and I love science geeks, having a good status and income is not a bad thing but it's not the main thing for me as long as the guy can keep a family when needed I'm fine. What attracted me most in the beginning was his sarcastic sense of humor and him being quite quirky.

 

I will only know if there's real chemistry when we meet, but you know, online he is the kind of guy I usually like.

 

How do I deal with this, it's so confusing.

 

First of learn how to comprehend his research on cells, if you are unable, I have no other suggestions for that. You need to be able to have an intelligent conversation and interest in what interests him, and the same for him.

This guy is playing you, making no effort and you only live 2.5 hours away is very telling. And it has been a year.

Keep a family when needed? Come on, you are not that air headed, everything you posted says Anti-keeping a family.

[edgygirl]

Yes I see them too, he is emotionally damaged and it's clear.

 

Still, I like all the other things about him and I keep thinking if it's worth investing. You know how hard it is to find someone interesting these days, come on.

 

I do like it that he has a brainy job, it's not really about his status. I spent years in school to get somewhere and I like the same in my man.

 

We s***** up meeting, first time it was my fault as I told him to come a certain day, and then had to reschedule after he already got he ticket. I think he got a little mad and gave up coming at the time. Then next time he scheduled and had last-minute cold feet and cancelled. Anyway...

 

He is not typically normal. But it's not as if I like super normal people lol. I am attracted to people who are different and not sociologically the norm. Not that I like him being damaged, but he has something eccentric that attracts me.

 

Come on guys, don't just tell me to give up just like that, people on ls have this tendency. And no one is that normal anyway in life. Right?

 

I see red flags all over, with you and the man you are describing. Take out doctor insert ________, he is simply a guy, you need to take out Board of_______.

He has never been married and is in his 40s....

He has not seemed to be too enthusiatic to meet up with you.

He is giving you lines that you are too good for him, and you are falling for them.

42 and his family is dictating his love life, his life in general.

He sounds creepy; if you inserted Plumber, would you be asking all this or knowing the guy is a creep. If you want a doc find a better minded one.

[xxoo]

Pay less attention to what he says, and more attention to what he does. Actions, not words.

 

Don't make excuses for him.

[edgygirl]

Oh we have tons to talk about! that's not an issue at all. There is no way I can learn his research, it's like an artist reading about Quantum Physics lol. I don't think it's a requirement.

 

He is not a player. He has issues. It's been 6 months. Which I know is a long time still.

 

Hm the family thing I meant is regarding money as this is what xoxo asked.

 

First of learn how to comprehend his research on cells, if you are unable, I have no other suggestions for that. You need to be able to have an intelligent conversation and interest in what interests him, and the same for him.

This guy is playing you, making no effort and you only live 2.5 hours away is very telling. And it has been a year.

Keep a family when needed? Come on, you are not that air headed, everything you posted says Anti-keeping a family.

[Vercetti]

IDK had a friend for a long time and his daddy issues got old. I was understanding as a pre-teen and through my 20s. After broke 30 his crap of crying about going down to see his dad each year then crying about how the trip went after he got back over and over and over again was to much. Could never understand why he kept putting himself through the same thing. Ok so your dad doesn't get you and you don't enjoy the trips geeee how we solve this problem? Anyhow the fact the guy you are talking to is a doctor and his mom still brow beats him...wow. Something needs to click in his mind so he isn't dependent on approval from a perpetual nag.

[Brit]

Yes I see them too, he is emotionally damaged and it's clear.

 

Still, I like all the other things about him and I keep thinking if it's worth investing. You know how hard it is to find someone interesting these days, come on.

 

I do like it that he has a brainy job, it's not really about his status. I spent years in school to get somewhere and I like the same in my man.

 

We s***** up meeting, first time it was my fault as I told him to come a certain day, and then had to reschedule after he already got he ticket. I think he got a little mad and gave up coming at the time. Then next time he scheduled and had last-minute cold feet and cancelled. Anyway...

 

He is not typically normal. But it's not as if I like super normal people lol. I am attracted to people who are different and not sociologically the norm. Not that I like him being damaged, but he has something eccentric that attracts me.

 

Come on guys, don't just tell me to give up just like that, people on ls have this tendency. And no one is that normal anyway in life. Right?

 

Not sure if I am to take this seriously or if you are trolling. Atypical, do not like super normal, eccentric, him being damaged. If you want him just because he is a doctor admit it, damaged or not. If so, be ready for a screwed up relationship. If the dating pool is this poor on OLD, I am thinking those who advise against it are wise. Why can you not find a healthy minded, non damaged physician?

[edgygirl]

Yes I have the same impression now. I don't think his family opinions matter that much as he avoids meeting them like the plague. Still, it seems he has emotional issues because of it.

 

He only told me about his mom etc. cause I kind of pressured him as I am trying to understand what the deal is. And well, at least he himself was the first one to say today he needed therapy. So there might be some hope, no?

 

IDK had a friend for a long time and his daddy issues got old. I was understanding as a pre-teen and through my 20s. After broke 30 his crap of crying about going down to see his dad each year then crying about how the trip went after he got back over and over and over again was to much. Could never understand why he kept putting himself through the same thing. Ok so your dad doesn't get you and you don't enjoy the trips geeee how we solve this problem? Anyhow the fact the guy you are talking to is a doctor and his mom still brow beats him...wow. Something needs to click in his mind so he isn't dependent on approval from a perpetual nag.

[Brit]

Oh we have tons to talk about! that's not an issue at all. There is no way I can learn his research, it's like an artist reading about Quantum Physics lol. I don't think it's a requirement.

 

He is not a player. He has issues. It's been 6 months. Which I know is a long time still.

 

Hm the family thing I meant is regarding money as this is what xoxo asked.

 

He will use you, cell research is not that difficult to comprehend, woah wait a minute, he is damaged, so the following goes out the window.....men with intelligence are stimulated by women with intelligence and understand and comprehend their interests, yes money is not a bad thing, but it is not a good thing with someone who is emotionally deficient....give yourself a little more credit.

[xxoo]

Yes I have the same impression now. I don't think his family opinions matter that much as he avoids meeting them like the plague. Still, it seems he has emotional issues because of it.

 

He only told me about his mom etc. cause I kind of pressured him as I am trying to understand what the deal is. And well, at least he himself was the first one to say today he needed therapy. So there might be some hope, no?

 

edgy, the emotionally damaged man is somewhat interested in you.

 

If he gets therapy and fixes his issues, he might not be interested in you anymore. He won't need a "fixer" anymore.

[edgygirl]

Trolling? Why? I am saying who I am and what kind of people I'm attracted to. Maybe you don't relate to that but if you told me you like supper-happy preppy guys who are into sports, although that's not my type of men, I would not judge you.

 

I admire his profession and find it interesting to have someone that I am able to talk about science, but it certainly is not what makes me want him. I wouldn't be interested in someone who works in finance i.e. although they make tons of money if that's what you're implying. I like geeky people. Some docs happen to be geeky. I like it.

 

Why can't I find someone normal? Why can't you, or everyone else in this board? It is very hard for me to get interested in someone. I can, probably. But it takes a lot for me to be interested in someone mentally. And I only met a few people this year I was interested in. We don't chose mentally-only who we get interested in. It's a combo of things, that in my case, is quite hard to come by.

 

Not sure if I am to take this seriously or if you are trolling. Atypical, do not like super normal, eccentric, him being damaged. If you want him just because he is a doctor admit it, damaged or not. If so, be ready for a screwed up relationship. If the dating pool is this poor on OLD, I am thinking those who advise against it are wise. Why can you not find a healthy minded, non damaged physician?

[edgygirl]

Okay, tell me what part of this you understand. Then we can talk.

 

Cytologic study of a nasal scraping specimen disclosed numerous clusters containing columnar cells with cytomegaly, prominent multinucleation, markedly sparse shortened cilia; the cytoplasm contained an acidophil area and a small round area that stained poorly; cells with a large intracytoplasmic vacuole that was acidophil and PAS+. Serology tests using the nested polymer chain reaction (PCR) technique on serum, nasal and pharyngeal smears

 

But let me explain. I have no problem in the intelligence department. I have a masters in a very prestigious profession and worked around the world. And our communication in the intelligence level is not an issue at all. I mean it. The problem is to relate and deal with his emotional side and issues. And I have my emotional issues too (obviously, otherwise I would be coupled now haha) which I've been trying to work on the last years. No one is perfect. I don't ask for perfection.

 

He will use you, cell research is not that difficult to comprehend, woah wait a minute, he is damaged, so the following goes out the window.....men with intelligence are stimulated by women with intelligence and understand and comprehend their interests, yes money is not a bad thing, but it is not a good thing with someone who is emotionally deficient....give yourself a little more credit.

[edgygirl]

Wow, very interesting. Didn't think about it this way. Something I should think about.

 

I thought maybe if he gets in a better place emotionally, we could work things out.

 

I don't even think I am the fixer type or pass that vibe, although I am supportive.

 

edgy, the emotionally damaged man is somewhat interested in you.

 

If he gets therapy and fixes his issues, he might not be interested in you anymore. He won't need a "fixer" anymore.

[Brit]

Do what you wish. The point of the board is, well, it always seems to go waaaaay off topic into age issues, the point is finding healthy relationships and working on issues.

You have received various opinions, and it is up to you to decide who you wish to hook up with.

I say, this guy is using his sob story on many many online woman, and has not visited because he is dating alot in his own city.

[Brit]

Okay, tell me what part of this you understand. Then we can talk.

 

Cytologic study of a nasal scraping specimen disclosed numerous clusters containing columnar cells with cytomegaly, prominent multinucleation, markedly sparse shortened cilia; the cytoplasm contained an acidophil area and a small round area that stained poorly; cells with a large intracytoplasmic vacuole that was acidophil and PAS+. Serology tests using the nested polymer chain reaction (PCR) technique on serum, nasal and pharyngeal smears

 

But let me explain. I have no problem in the intelligence department. I have a masters in a very prestigious profession and worked around the world. And our communication in the intelligence level is not an issue at all. I mean it. The problem is to relate and deal with his emotional side and issues. And I have my emotional issues too (obviously, otherwise I would be coupled now haha) which I've been trying to work on the last years. No one is perfect. I don't ask for perfection.

 

Easy, means that upon studies using varying agents/methods, there were remarkable abnormalities or changes within cell complexities.

[edgygirl]

Just to put it out there. My sister is married to a scientist in a similar kind of field. He is the ultimate introvert and many people who meet him might think he's a total weirdo socially awkward, as he only talks if someone approaches him, he doesn't initiate conversation. She is bubbly and extroverted as me.

 

They've been married for 20 years and are the happiest couple I know. They complete each other - where he is bad socially, she is awesome, and where she is a little anxious and unstable, he is as stable as a stone. Her hubbie reminds me a lot of this guy in his personality. I like shy guys on the weirder side. I never went for extroverted people who seem super normal.

 

What I am trying to say is that not everyone has to seem "normal" to the outside world to be a good partner.

[Brit]

No one said you were not intelligent, but you should have a greater sense of what is not a good deal to get mixed up with and what is by now. Tell him to get his issues in order, you are not his year too long listening board, and to get back with you when his life is in order.

[edgygirl]

I understand your point and I thank you for your opinions.

 

We are very open about dating, and last month when I was seeing someone a few times and he saw a woman a few times mainly to have sex, we were open about it. He said he met her at PoF and he didn't feel anything for her, that it was for sex only. I am totally okay with that, I honestly understand that people have needs in life. We don't have to lie to each other about those things. As far as I know, he is a loner. It took me 6 months to finally extract the issue of his family from him and you think he is using a sobbing story on women? hmm. Sorry I disagree. But thanks anyway.

 

Do what you wish. The point of the board is, well, it always seems to go waaaaay off topic into age issues, the point is finding healthy relationships and working on issues.

You have received various opinions, and it is up to you to decide who you wish to hook up with.

I say, this guy is using his sob story on many many online woman, and has not visited because he is dating alot in his own city.

[xxoo]

Tell him to get his issues in order, you are not his year too long listening board, and to get back with you when his life is in order.

 

Yes, this.

 

If he ever did get his life in order enough to approach and date women effectively, he probably wouldn't pick the woman to whom he aired all his dirty laundry before they were even dating.

[Brit]

I am now hitting my head on the dashboard, he hooked up with a woman on POF 'just for sex,'!!!!!!

Edited December 22, 2012 by Brit

[Vercetti]

Yes I have the same impression now. I don't think his family opinions matter that much as he avoids meeting them like the plague. Still, it seems he has emotional issues because of it.

 

He only told me about his mom etc. cause I kind of pressured him as I am trying to understand what the deal is. And well, at least he himself was the first one to say today he needed therapy. So there might be some hope, no?

 

If it seemed like I was trying to detour you from a relationship with this man I'm not. My friend also never had a girlfriend. If he had that sort of outlet he might not have been so worried about other things. Just being married and him being a friend I couldn't take the role of emotional support he should be getting from a significant other. Plus he wasn't changing his patterns. Fact your guy avoids family and doesn't seem like he is swimming in damage seems to be a positive. Few dates isn't gonna kill you to get a better feel.

[edgygirl]

Well yes but if I have to wait for him to get lifelong issues solved in his mind and come back to me... I might as well be 6 feet under. So you're basically telling me to give up right?

 

I understand your point but... Why is it that stories always end like that on ls (people telling posters to ditch someone) when things don't seem to be perfect from the start?

 

So what that he hooked up for sex and we can be open about it? Don't you think many single men do it? Should he combust from not having sex while he is single waiting for the one? Most people in this board have hooked up for sex on PoF or okcupid. I don't mind it a bit. We are not in a relationship.