Anyonebuthere Posted December 22, 2012 Posted December 22, 2012 My first post.... I'm so confused with this: I've been seeing this guy for the better part of a year now. Or maybe I should say, I've been interested in this guy for the better part of a year. We met through a mutual friend, and although we live in different cities started messaging each other and chatting on Facebook regularly- I invited him as my date to our friend's wedding and when finally met face to face the chemistry was unreal. (Yes we slept together, but it was after chatting for months beforehand.) We kept in touch, but the following month he messaged to say his younger sister had suddenly died... needless to say he was devastated and I was just gutted for him. I did my best to try and offer him even the tiniest bit of comfort and support, and I guess he became very attached to me during this time. I was able to spend a weekend with him at the end of the month & I was so glad I could be there for him in person. Again, when I returned home we kept in touch; but this time the "intensity" of his messages increased. He would ask me if he thought we could have a future together, or tell me he felt lucky and appreciative that I liked him... once when he was drunk he even said that he loved me. These are not things that a girl forgets. Especially if she was feeling the same way. So when I went up to stay with him the next time I was expecting us to have "the talk" about where things were headed, but he never brought it up- and me being the socially awkward penguin that I am didn't either. We did have a wonderful time together, but in the months following it was like he almost disappeared off the face of the earth. I know that a few of his mates returned home then, so he was busy catching up and with work. But he couldn't even be bothered sending me a short text. I've come to the conclusion that while he was grieving he sort of latched onto me in a way and I've taken that to heart. I would NEVER bring that up with him, as I'm glad that I could be his shoulder to lean on, and can't imagine what he was feeling at that horrible time. After our last weekend together I sent a text saying that I still really like him etc, and he replied that he likes me too but is unsure about the distance thing (even though I have mentioned previously that I'd be willing to move to his city depending on where we were at) and that he doesn't know what he's doing with his life still. This was a few weeks ago, and since then I've noticed a couple of suspicious things come up on FB (I know it's pathetic of me) with girls. I'd just hate to think that after I told him how I felt he'd be inconsiderate of my feelings. Of course I can't question him about this so I stay silent and let it stew in my head The rational part of my brain does tell me I'm being extremely stupid and jumping to conclusions, mind you. Now, I guess I'm just after reassurance. This is plaguing my mind constantly as I'm a terrible overthinker (you could probably tell from me posting this thread). I need to know what you guys would do if you found yourself in the same situation because I do honestly really like him and would be prepared to wait for him, but find myself on the verge of backing away a bit to save myself pain. And sorry this was an epic post, I just felt that a bit of a history was needed. 1
TaraMaiden Posted December 22, 2012 Posted December 22, 2012 He never mentioned before that the 'distance thing' was a hurdle or stumbling block.... he was perfectly happy to conduct a relationship with you at a distance. Now, I think you're too close for comfort and he doesn't want to feel like he has to commit. And sure, he came over as clingy and romantic - but I believe that was the grief-emotion thing. he's brought this distance thing up as an excuse, not a reason. Hate to say it, but in your position, I'd be feeling 'used'. 2
Author Anyonebuthere Posted December 22, 2012 Author Posted December 22, 2012 ohh too true. It's good to see this written out plain and clear- my head has been telling me this for a while but my heart is trying to trick me. The problem is that I still feel absolutely terrible for him with his sister's passing, and I realise I've been excusing a lot of his behaviour because of it. But really, one has to draw the line at being used and taken for granted at some point right? By the way I despise myself for falling back into the trap of thinking he cares everytime he thinks to text me. Thank you for replying! As much as I adore my friends, they've become too good at buttering me up with answers I would only like to hear when I ask for their advice.
TaraMaiden Posted December 22, 2012 Posted December 22, 2012 Empathy is good. Compensating for their loss - isn't. You never can. And I think that's what he was trying for. Some self-gratifying action to take away the pain. At the risk of sounding really callous - and I'm sure his actions weren't consciously deliberate - you were convenient and willing. He played upon your good nature and won hands down. Tell me - what do YOU get out of this? I suspect you'll struggle for an answer that justifies it.... You know what you have to do - don't you? 1
FitChick Posted December 23, 2012 Posted December 23, 2012 Don't contact him any more. Don't look at his Facebook page. Try to put him out of your mind and date others. Whether you ever hear from him again is up to him. 1
Author Anyonebuthere Posted December 23, 2012 Author Posted December 23, 2012 If only I had known about this forum months ago, lol. When I think objectively about this whole messed up situation, I can totally see now that he was essentially using me, then realised how attached I had become, freaked, and tried to keep me at a distance... But not let go of me completely, as he might "need" me in future. The only thing that I was getting out of this was the (excuse me for being pathetic) hope of us being together in the future, and him finally realising that he wants to commit to me. I was obviously too caught up with the prospect of having a boyfriend, as I've been single for quite some time. This is such a lightbulb moment for me; I can't believe I was willing to wait this whole time! - and because of this I no longer have the desire to contact him! I hope he will contact me again though, so I can let him know how fantastic my life is going ha ha. Cheers guys! 2
goldengirl11 Posted December 23, 2012 Posted December 23, 2012 If only I had known about this forum months ago, lol. When I think objectively about this whole messed up situation, I can totally see now that he was essentially using me, then realised how attached I had become, freaked, and tried to keep me at a distance... But not let go of me completely, as he might "need" me in future. The only thing that I was getting out of this was the (excuse me for being pathetic) hope of us being together in the future, and him finally realising that he wants to commit to me. I was obviously too caught up with the prospect of having a boyfriend, as I've been single for quite some time. This is such a lightbulb moment for me; I can't believe I was willing to wait this whole time! - and because of this I no longer have the desire to contact him! I hope he will contact me again though, so I can let him know how fantastic my life is going ha ha. Cheers guys! Best of luck shoottherunner. I feel for you and can identify with your situation. Thanks for posting. 1
Author Anyonebuthere Posted December 23, 2012 Author Posted December 23, 2012 Thank you goldengirl11 it feels really to good to have gotten all this off my chest and to have received such strong and unbiased advice. I'm definitely a fan of this site now!
Yookie Posted December 23, 2012 Posted December 23, 2012 Thank you goldengirl11 it feels really to good to have gotten all this off my chest and to have received such strong and unbiased advice. I'm definitely a fan of this site now! When the blinders come off is like a whole new world! The sun is shining, birds are singing, the grass has never been greener! LOL Situations like this is why I believe most women should not have a sexual relationship with a man BEFORE he makes a commitment and BEFORE you have had time to see what kind of person he really is. You get blinded by emotions.
racer120 Posted December 23, 2012 Posted December 23, 2012 (edited) I can relate to your situation. And then, when you see something on facebook popping up, you nearly have a heart attack because you care so much. Let me tell you, the ball is in his court. You did your fair share and much more than that if you ask me. If he chooses not to be in contact with you anymore, it is his loss, not yours. Given though, that you owe him nothing, I suggest you do the following: go to his profile page and deactivate the 'show in your newsfeed' option. That way you will not get confronted with him anymore but it allows him to contact you if he wants this. That really helped me a lot in overcoming a very painful period in my life. good luck girl Edited December 23, 2012 by racer120
Author Anyonebuthere Posted December 24, 2012 Author Posted December 24, 2012 Yes, the birds are definitely singing today lol. And I know because I'm a romantic at heart I should do more to protect my heart! Oh god, that 'Facebook-induced heart attack' is absolutely horrible. A couple of times it's even made me lose my appetite when I've been scrolling down my newsfeed as I was having breakfast and then something I wish I didn't see pops up. It's so damn draining. I'll take your advice racer120 and deactivate his posts... I'm glad that doing this helped you in your situation too. Thank you If/when he does contact me, do you think it's a good idea for me to let him know (some of) the effect his behaviour has had on me? I mean, only if he asks why I haven't been in touch. Usually I would never let a guy know he has hurt me- I try and 'save face' with them by appearing unaffected and keep the drama to a minimum.
tigressA Posted December 24, 2012 Posted December 24, 2012 If/when he does contact me, do you think it's a good idea for me to let him know (some of) the effect his behaviour has had on me? I mean, only if he asks why I haven't been in touch. Usually I would never let a guy know he has hurt me- I try and 'save face' with them by appearing unaffected and keep the drama to a minimum. No. Just...no.
Author Anyonebuthere Posted December 24, 2012 Author Posted December 24, 2012 Yeah that thought did cross my mind! Plus I guess telling a douche that he's a douche would be a waste of breathe anyway.
Eternal Sunshine Posted December 24, 2012 Posted December 24, 2012 Yeah that thought did cross my mind! Plus I guess telling a douche that he's a douche would be a waste of breathe anyway. Exactly. It won't change a thing except make you feel worse.
TaraMaiden Posted December 24, 2012 Posted December 24, 2012 Care less. And less, and less, and less..... see my signature. Most times, nothing bellows as loudly as silence. Not responding will be by far the best thing you could ever do.
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