Comabt vet lost love of his life due to PTSD... is there hope for us?

[sotoman]

hi all.

new to this forum, i have nobody else to ask for advice, and im in a bad spot right now.

 

thanks for taking the time to read this...

i am a bit nervous, because im going to reveal alot of VERY personal and embarrassing details about my PTSD diagnosis (combat related).

 

okay, long story, ill make it as quick as possible.

 

my girlfriend of several years dumped me a few weeks ago because of my behavior due to PTSD.

 

this behavior consisted of:

thrill seeking behavior, drinking, anxiety behavior, etc etc.

mostly self-damaging behaviors.

most of this i have been able to keep hidden from her through most of the relationship (because its humiliating for her to find out.)

 

skip ahead:

she found out, and she dumped me.

but when she dumped me, she saved me.

she made it clear that this behavior is not normal, and that i needed help.

 

it was like a slap in the face, nobody wants to admit they need help.

i see now that she was right, and am now undergoing treatment at the VA. (things are progressing well, i havent had a drink in weeks, and my actions and behavior are now healthy...)

i work out, go to counseling, my life is changed for the better. i also realize that i needed to do this for myself, not for anyone else.

i no longer do any of the things i did before, the treatment theyre giving me saved my life! SHE saved my life!

 

**but-

shes gone.

she says she cant take the risk of getting back with me, even though i am different now.

she says that she feels emotionally spent like a "bucket with a hole in the bottom" (her words).

 

she calls me everyday, she says she worries about me.

she tells me how things are going at her work (sometimes we talk like when we were together).

she still hasnt moved alot of her things out of my apartment (we lived together).

she tells me how different i am now, and how proud she is of me!

she says it hurts her the most that she had to break up with me for me to see that i needed the help. she says this is the reason she doesnt want to risk being with me again.

she says she sees me differently, as if through a window pane (her words exactly).

theres been a few days when shes really depressed and wont talk to me about it, and just stays in her new apartment and wont call.

she said twice shes been really impressed with the changes in me, and thought about reconciling, but her head puts an end to the thought quickly. she cant risk it.

she says she just wants to be alone.

 

 

we went to go see a movie, and she seemed really happy to be around me, but was not accepting any physical contact from me.

 

i could go on...

 

bottom line?

im glad im better now, im going to continue my treatment regardless.

 

but i do love her! i want her in my life, and i would like to marry her someday.

 

is there hope?

is she just hurt and needs a cooling off period to see that all my changes are permanent?

or has she had enough and its really over?

 

thanks so much for your time!

Edited December 22, 2012 by sotoman

[HaveFaithxx]

I would continue to be her friend, so she can see that you have changed. But don't keep bringing up that you want to get back together. It will push her away. As of now, she says she doesn't want to get together with you. You should try your best to move on, meet new people and try to date other people. If she feels that you are waiting ofr her or trying to win her back, you will be very unattractive to her. Good luck!

[Mcnulty]

Congratulations on getting over the PTSD. A lot of people aren't that aware of it and what it does to you, I have it and am seeking help for it. I understand why you were the way you were man, it's friggin hard.

 

But, out of bad comes good. Re. the lady, I would as the above person said, dont push your needs on her, be friends if you can, yes, but keep a distance and give her the space she needs.

 

Patience is key here, good luck.

[sotoman]

thanks for the replies.

ill do that, let her see the improvements.

thanks again!

[sotoman]

she still calls me everyday and says "just want to see how youre doing", and she offers to take me food at work, etc.

 

i will do as you say and keep it light when we talk, i wont push my needs on her or tell her i want her back.

 

this is kind of confusing to me, because these are things she did as my girlfriend.

we have broken up before, about a year ago, and she didnt have any contact with me at all.

 

why is she in constant contact with me this time? something is different, but i cant figure it out.

anyone got an idea why?

[Samilia]

I personally would not remain in the friend zone. I would, like you suggested, start a "cool off period".

[sotoman]

im going to do that.

 

TODAY IS DAY 1 OF COOL OFF / NO CONTACT PERIOD.

 

starting now, we are no contact.

 

i know this is gonna hurt...

but she has never been able to stay away from me before, and deep inside i really hope we can work this out.

 

i dunno, maybe she will feel better soon, and we can pick things up again.

or maybe, ill get over her and move on.

 

either way, i guess its really win / win, isnt it?

 

 

now that im thinking about it more clearly, she calls me up and doesnt really ask questions about what im up to, etc. she just checks to see if i need anything.

she says she still feels a little depressed. depressed about what? shes the one who dumped me!

ooh now im getting steamed. now i WANT to do no contact!

 

you guys mentioned we should think of things to get us mad at times like this.

it works!!

[amaysngrace]

You should try to help her with her depression. Encourage her to see someone about it.

 

She hooked up with you when you were mentally ill. Probably because she was mentally ill with depression. She hasn't gotten help for that yet but you've gotten better.

 

Now she feels like she's not good enough for you anymore and that's probably causing her depression to be worse.

 

Or did you meet her before the PTS? In that case forget everything I said.

[sotoman]

i assumed she was feeling depressed because of our breakup.

but now that you mentioned it, do you really think that she feels like she's not good enough for me now?

[amaysngrace]

i assumed she was feeling depressed because of our breakup.

but now that you mentioned it, do you really think that she feels like she's not good enough for me now?

 

Yep. And it's making her depression worse.

 

But if she was healthier in her head she wouldn't have gotten together with you not being right in yours.

 

You should express your concern for her and encourage her to see someone about getting her depression under control.

[sotoman]

i dont think its like that at all.

 

i had anxiety, etc, but i wasnt a nut.

i didnt act like a loon, or go psycho or anything.

 

and i dont think shes clinically depressed either.

 

i think that we both have been together a long time, and the separation isnt easy for either of us.

i think.

 

shes told me shes still hurt from it all, and maybe my hopes are that she will calm down after the cooling off period, and we can talk about fixing things.

[amaysngrace]

That's good. I hadn't realized that you were together before you enlisted.

 

If that's the case forget everything I said.

[Samilia]

i dont think its like that at all.

 

i had anxiety, etc, but i wasnt a nut.

i didnt act like a loon, or go psycho or anything.

 

and i dont think shes clinically depressed either.

 

i think that we both have been together a long time, and the separation isnt easy for either of us.

i think.

 

shes told me shes still hurt from it all, and maybe my hopes are that she will calm down after the cooling off period, and we can talk about fixing things.

 

Yeah I don't think this is it at all. She's checking up on him like he's going to jump off a bridge. He went and sought help, that alone shows character.

 

I would tell her that you need a bit of time to yourself to "rebuild" yourself, that shows character too.

 

And congrats on having taken action to get out of the deep hole you were in. Keep in mind that it can happen to the best of us and that it doesn't define you, what would define you is that you beat this thing. I hope you will enjoy your Chistmas.

[monicaelise]

This is gonna sound harsh, but having come to this forum as the result of a relationship with a man with combat PTSD, I can tell you your girlfriend may have just had enough. You're going to hear a lot of things from people who haven't got a clue about just how insidious and awful this disorder is to be on the receiving end of. As your supporter, your girlfriend may well have just reached the end of her rope.

 

She may also have finally realized that you will never "get over it". You will get better at dealing with it as long as you're getting treatment, but PTSD is like diabetes, you'll never be cured. She may not want to deal with that. I know it was more than I could deal with. Without kids or some hugely significant obligation binding the two of you it may not be worth it to either of you to continue.

 

If you really want her in your life, I'd be very careful about going NC as isolation is one of the hallmark symptoms of the disorder. Your choice to do this may be taken as further evidence of illness rather than giving her time or space. I would advise you to be clear with her that it is her choice to keep the distance and make sure you use this time to start seriously dealing with your issues. Your supporter deserves a life too.

[sotoman]

youre right, monicaelise.

and good point about the NC.

 

funny, at the VA they say the spouses deserve medals for dealing with it.

 

i know she may have just had enough, but im hoping she hasnt.

 

 

If you really want her in your life, I'd be very careful about going NC as isolation is one of the hallmark symptoms of the disorder. Your choice to do this may be taken as further evidence of illness rather than giving her time or space.

if i shouldnt do NC, then what can i do?

NC? keep in contact?

 

i know her pretty well, and i know sometimes she just needs to get space.

of course, you may be right about being fed up.

 

im hoping that she will see that im different now, as the treatment is working!

it honestly has changed me. it targets my thinking, and teaches me to rewrite how my head works.

it would really suck if she stuck with me thru all that BS, but now that im getting better, she bails.

Edited December 24, 2012 by sotoman

[Samilia]

Maybe, but he can have a normal life, let's not make it look like he's doomed or like he's this heavy burden that no one wants to carry. Just by looking at the content of his post and his reflection on the situation, we can tell he's a smart man.

[monicaelise]

youre right, monicaelise.

and good point about the NC.

 

funny, at the VA they say the spouses deserve medals for dealing with it.

 

i know she may have just had enough, but im hoping she hasnt.

 

 

if i shouldnt do NC, then what can i do?

NC? keep in contact?

 

i know her pretty well, and i know sometimes she just needs to get space.

of course, you may be right about being fed up.

 

im hoping that she will see that im different now, as the treatment is working!

it honestly has changed me. it targets my thinking, and teaches me to rewrite how my head works.

it would really suck if she stuck with me thru all that BS, but now that im getting better, she bails.

 

NC can be a very valuable tool when you're trying to get over a relationship, but it is not a weapon that should be used to make someone miss you. It simply won't work. The fact is, she needs some room to breathe right now, but alienating her is likely to backfire. If I were in your shoes, I would write a letter explaining how you feel about her and your situation and then leave it alone. Tell her the things you've told us and then back off. NC with no explanation from a PTSD sufferer is not good. You're right to give her space. It is an incredibly unpleasant disorder to have to live with as a supporter, but if you just shut her out with no explanation you're likely to do more damage than good.

 

Again, there will be lots of advice from folks who mean well but are, in reality, utterly clueless. If you've gotten your diagnosis, you know how rough this can be. Your best bet is to talk to people who have been there. There are a couple of really great websites (PTSD forum and mycombatptsd.com) where you can find a great deal more information and insight than you'll be able to get from most of the people here. It's not that people here aren't sympathetic, or haven't been through their own stuff, it's just that combat PTSD presents some unique challenges that your average civilian doesn't fully understand. Your life isn't doomed but it's not ever going to be like that of your "average bear".

Edited December 24, 2012 by monicaelise