LDR ... Is it over?

[Sam9172]

Hello,

 

This is my first post on the forum- I am feeling quite depressed tonight and could use some advice.

 

Some background:

 

I'm 29 years old and have been in a LDR for almost 2 years... We met locally, but within weeks we were forced to have a long-distance relationship. We genuinely fell in love, so we decided to try this anyways despite the odds being against us. Since there is a VERY long distance between us (different countries), we only get to see each other in person every 3 months and we we don't have access to alot of the "luxuries" that others have such as Skype or text messaging and have very limited access to email. Our relationship has basically survived on snail-mail letters, once-weekly phone calls, sending gifts in the mail and occasional visits.

 

Needless to say, this has caused alot of stress between us. For the past 6 months or so, things have been rocky. We fight alot about our needs not being met due to the distance. However, when we are together we are both completely content and don't fight at all. It's gotten to a point where we mutually decided we needed some space to let some of the chaos die down so we can work on things. We discussed the terms, but it's not going as we talked about. I am starting to wonder if this "space" actually means a slow break up. He's calling less and less, has stopped writing and doesn't seem very enthusiastic about working on things. I thought this break was going to be the answer for us, but I'm starting to feel like it's the beginning of the end.

 

Unfortunately, he is in a long-term work contract in a different country and I take care of my disabled mother who needs near-constant medical care (she needs to stay in the USA) so moving closer together is not an option until his contract ends in 2016.

 

Do you think there is any hope at all for this relationship? I know common sense says to move on, but my heart won't let me. I'm hanging onto the small amount of hope I still have. Any advice is welcome.

[Carenth]

This is the single biggest hurdle I think any LDR faces when there is no clear end point, or the end point is too far away for either or both in the relationship too handle.

 

2016 is still quite a while off, the fact that you guys don't have something like skype makes it even more difficult imo. The fact if neither of you can or won't move to each other then a LDR is pretty much doomed to failure, most people don't like the idea of being apart for a unspecified period of time.

 

I've decided for myself this year I'm saving most of my money so I will be able to move to be with my partner by the end of the next year. I could probably move sooner but the last thing I would want is for us to finally be together on a more permanent basis and have things come undone due too poor planning.

 

From the sounds of it he is distancing himself because this is very painful for him. Usually when people go on "breaks" in a relationship for anything longer than a week or so it shows there is a breakdown which usually ends in some sort of break up, that is what I have observed thus far on the subject.

Edited December 22, 2012 by Carenth

[Sam9172]

Thank you for this thoughtful reply...

 

You're right, the end point is far off which I think could be the main problem here. I hadn't given this too much thought, because we went into this knowing it would be around 5-6 years of long-distance. He actually has mentioned that the end-point is so far away and it weighs on him. I just wonder why it wasn't a consideration back then, but now it's an issue.

 

You are also right about there being a breakdown... In many ways, this relationship has become unbearable for both of us due to the fighting and dissatisfaction with the distance. On the plus side I am almost certain there is no other women or even wanting to be with another woman. I just think he's burnt out... I am too, but I still have some fight left in me I guess.

 

It sounds like what you are saying is that unless one of us finds a way to bridge the gap between us, it is most likely over. I appreciate this honesty, but it's a sad thought. It makes it seem like the struggle the past 2 years was for nothing

[Carenth]

What may of seen as bearable 2 years ago can change over time. I would be lying if there wasn't a little niggling doubt in the back of my head sometimes that my partner won't wait another year for me, but I try to squash that out as she hasn't said or done anything to indicate otherwise thus far.

 

If he's mentioned the end point seeming far away then it's something that bothers him and him distancing himself may not mean that he has found someone else. As you said it could be just that he is simply burnt out.

 

Unfortunately unless there is some sort of clear set of plans and goals on some sort of time frame that both parties can deal with it generally won't end well. For most people it can be to hard to keep up a LDR indefinitely. Try not to beat yourself up over it, these things happen not everything in life goes to plan. As long as you came out of this learning something and have some good memories I don't think it was a waste of time.

[justwhoiam]

Hi Sam, this is the time when you need to decide what to do with your life. You are 29 and it seems like a good age for a family and to build your own future. If you really love this man and he loves you, breaking up with him would be a big mistake. You would lose him for good, and it might take you a long time to find someone else you can really love and who will genuinely love you. You are entering your 30s, and the dating scene will be different I guess, going on. And the ties to your mother will take their toll anyway, unless you manage to live next door if not in the same house.

 

You are putting your mother's needs ahead of yours, but you should work on that situation, so that she can be assisted in a different way, even if temporarily. So this is completely up to you. Don't you have any brothers or sisters? A cousin? Some aunt? Father? Find someone else to help you out on this. Assisting your mother alone is not the best thing anyway. What about vacations?

 

It seems to be that getting married and live with your man, and visit your mother regularly, making sure she's taken care of, until when you can get back to the USA is the more viable option for you. Or you can renounce everything and live for your mother. But think that if she had done the same, you wouldn't probably exist.

 

Bottom line is do you really love him?

[Carenth]

I didn't really want to bring that up as it is often is quite a touchy subject but I have to agree with justwhoiam. That's why I said when neither in a couple can or won't move it won't end well.

 

One of you is going to have to make a hard choice if it's going to go anywhere and sacrifices will need to be made. I don't think it would be selfish for wanting to have your own life, yes your mother is unwell but deep down I don't think she would want you putting your life on hold for her. At least if/when I have children I wouldn't want my children doing that.

 

I don't know, not saying to ditch your mum but it's something you might have to consider if this relationship is truly important to both of you.

[Sam9172]

Thanks for the additional replies.

 

Here is the deal with my mother: She has MS (Multiple Sclerosis). She has had it for most of my life, but it has taken a turn for the worst in the past couple years. She is now in a wheelchair and can't do much of anything for herself, she can't feed herself or wash herself anymore... And the inactivity has lead to bloodclots in her lungs and legs. She's been in and out of the hospital to take care of some of the clots but unfortunately she is not a surgical candidate for the ones deep in her lungs so there is a good chance it will kill her. She does have visiting nurses which come for a few hours every day, but unfortunately we have no other family. My father left us when I was a baby, I have no siblings and both of my grandparents are dead. I have one Aunt, but she lives very far away and has no interest in taking care of my mother (and to be honest, I wouldn't trust her to do it anyways because she's so flaky). If I don't take care of my mom, the only other option is sending her to a nursing home which will eventually lead to Hospice. The truth is, there is a good chance she will not survive until 2016 anyways... If I moved away and she died I would never forgive myself. I think most people would feel the same way in this situation, especially with no other family.

 

Aside from that, the assignment he is in has him traveling to 3rd world countries... This isn't a place to settle down by any means, but if my mother passes on I will make the move anyways. He's unhappy in this situation and wants to come back, but I'm not sure if it's going to happen.

 

Believe me, I have thought about moving, but this is a truly unique situation in terms of circumstance. Thankfully, he's been understanding about this but the distance takes a toll. I do love him... More than I have ever loved someone before and I do NOT want to lose him. However, things have been like a roller coaster for a while now...

 

At this moment I am feeling really hurt, he didn't send me a Christmas card or gift nor has he called me this weekend (we talk every Friday). Things just aren't looking good My instinct is telling me that my only hope is to give him space, but continue write to him and show him love and hope he comes around...

[tori0001]

My heart is with you.

[NoMoreJerks]

Sam9172, so sorry to hear about your predicament. An hour ago I got the shock of my life, when my bf (with whom I had broken up a few times on and off, due to several issues, including misunderstandings due to distance and miscommunication, among other things) contacted me and said it's over between us. We had gotten back together briefly, and then he had a very stressful job to do in Turkey, and he called me almost every day while in Turkey, and it made me feel so happy, because it finally felt like we had clicked (in the past he had said he didn't want to think about me every day, and wasn't in love with me). He told me he can't do the long-distance thing because he has to put his job above his relationship, because his job was his life now. I tried to convince him that we could make it work, with patience and communication, but he wanted out. I just told him I'll let go, because I love him and want what is best for him (even though he has abused me emotionally so many times before, and is a sort of a narcissist -- I didn't tell him this, though). Anyway, it's over between us, and I can say that if it hadn't been for the distance maybe things would've worked out. I think he was just told that he won't be sent to my city for a job for a long time. Granted, this doesn't mean he couldn't come and see me. That's what I don't understand. He always takes vacation and goes to Thailand, so why not come here instead? I guess there's more to it than the distance and the job thing, and he's just using that as an excuse. Who knows. Bottom line is: I know how heart-wrenching it is. I just cried my heart out, went and took a hot bath, because I didn't know what else to do with myself. He told me that he hopes I will try and have a good Christmas, and that I have a lot of close friends (who will support me through this, I guess that's what he meant by that). He said he hopes that in the new year, I will find someone who can give me the attention I deserve. This was his last message, and he ended it with a "x". I'm devastated.

 

I think, though, over the long run, it might be for the best. I don't think I will ever truly love again, but there is nothing I can do about this situation. I say it's best to let go. I should've let go of this a long time ago. I find that distance /space doesn't make the heart grow fonder, especially when there are no real prospects of meeting up or being together in the near future.

 

I know how hard it is, but I would say that you should start thinking of this as a friendly break-up rather than a break, so as not to be so devastated like I was. Don't get your hopes too high, is my advice. And in the meantime, I would recommend that you keep your options open (I am also 29 years old, and I have to think of my own future and my prospects of having a family -- I can't wait forever for this man to make up his mind, get his life in order, etc. -- especially when I have no guarantees that he's not gonna dump me in the end). Don't feel guilty about keeping your options open. Men can afford not doing that, because they don't have their biological/child-bearing clock ticking. I used to feel guilty about this until I realized I had to think of myself a little bit too. I'm not saying dump him the first minute you meet someone that you are attracted to or interested in, but if you do find someone who seems to be a better fit and closer to you, you should probably tell your current bf that it's over between the two of you (and separate amicably). Sure, it would suck, and I would've hated doing that to my bf (and maybe I wouldn't have done it -- easier to talk about it than to do it), but in retrospect, I would say I will do this in the future, if ever I find myself in a similar situation.

 

Good luck, dear, and keep us posted. If you need to talk, feel free to mssg me. Stay strong and keep your head up.

[justwhoiam]

Sorry to hear about your situation, Sam. Your worst luck is not having anyone to help you out with your mother's health issues. And you did not work enough on improving the situation, as all your energies went to helping her. Reach out to associations about MS, get in touch with other people in your shoes. Inform institutions. Ask for help. It is not something you can manage on your own. Having some help for a few hours a day is not enough. You cannot have a life like that. I know what dealing with someone who cannot walk means. I don't know what stage she is. In some cases, the person can grow bedsores, or you would need machinery to lift her. Not every situation is best dealt with at home. And definitely not by just one person. Not to be too graphic, but with old age, bedsores are very common and reach serious stages. They can even lead to amputation. There can be some prevention, but if you spend 24/7 with your mother, you need to quit your job too, and what would you live off of?

 

I am not sure you made the right decisions along the way, even if you mean good.