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Was this intended as an attack? Did I handle this right?

SpiralOut

By SpiralOut
in General Relationship Discussion

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SpiralOut Established Member

SpiralOut

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There's this person I know who can be extremely annoying. Usually I just brush off the stuff she says, but today she said something that hit really hard and I'm trying to figure out if there was malicious intent behind it or not. I also want to know if I handled it properly.

 

We are not close. I've known her two years and we rarely do so much as small talk with each other even though we work closely together. She has an extremely negative attitude that I can't stand so I stay away from her for that purpose.

 

Some background on me: I am having serious problems with my mother right now. I am intentionally not spending much time with my family at christmas because I am finding it hard to deal with. It's not something that I like to talk about, obviously.

 

I have been struggling all year long to set up boundaries for myself with everyone. I have been bullied at work a lot. As a result, I have been extremely closed off with people. For the past couple of months, I have been giving people the "stay the hell away from me vibe." It worked. People who used to bother me have been leaving me alone.

 

I am now trying to open up a bit, as I see my standoffish attitude sometimes rubs others the wrong way. Sometimes I can be too defensive. I've been feeling happier too, with other stuff happening in my life. As I relax more at work, and let myself feel comfortable around others again I find that it's helping. One of the women who was bullying me has decided she likes me now, which makes life easier.

 

So it's good that I'm relaxing, but I can't help but feel that I set myself up for this to happen today..... things were going fine. I was having a good day. At the end of the day, the woman in question started to make small talk with me. I thought her questions were a bit odd. Normally I would avoid answering questions like that but in the spirit of being more open and relaxed, I answered them.

 

Her: So what day are you going home?

Me: Monday

 

*As I'm looking at her, I see her face changes. She suddenly looks confused and horrified.*

 

Her: ..... and what day are you coming back?

Me: Thursday

Her: Oh that's not very long.

Me: Nope

Her: That's a short trip

Me: Yep

Her: Just a short little visit.

Me: Mmmm hmmmmm.

 

Her: You don't like spending time with your family??

 

:mad:

 

WTF??? What the hell is wrong with you, making that assumption, first of all? Second of all, even if it were true (which it is) WHY ON EARTH would you have the nerve to ASK me that? We aren't friends. We aren't close. our conversation mainly consists of "how are you today" and that's it.

 

WTF!!!

 

I decided to just pretend like her question didn't phase me and I said "umm...not for THAT long...."

 

because I think that's a reasonable response. It's normal for people to get on eah others nerves when staying at a family's place, isn't it? Whenever my brother lived away from home, he would come up for 2-3 days and then leave. One of my friends is the same way with her family. There is nothing wrong with visiting someone for just a couple of days.

 

But this woman just continued to sit there with this horrified look of pity and horror on her face. Which makes no sense because SHE has made the personal choice to not spend time with HER family. She will be spending the holidays alone. So why the hell is she talking to me that way? I haven't said a single damn word to her about what she's doing because I've heard her explaining to people why she's not spending any time with her family and I didn't want to make her feel uncomfortable with stupid questions. But it's okay for her to ask ME stupid questions?

 

Do you think that I handled it the right way? Should I have told her off, or was it best that I pretended her question meant nothing to me? I'm mostly angry at myself for not telling her to mind her own business but I was worried that reacting that way might make things worse. Was this her way of trying to insult me or make me feel bad?

 

I don't know why this is upsetting me so much. I guess because I finally decided to start let my guard down and this is what happens. It's like I can't be myself without being attacked.

 

Sorry if I seem like I'm overreacting. I went out tonight to try and get my mind off it, but this is STILL on my mind. I just don't understand why someone would talk that way to me. Did I do something to ask for it??

Keenly Established Member

Keenly

Posted
Posted

This definitely is an over reaction. She is trying to make small talk with you...

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SpiralOut Established Member

SpiralOut

Posted
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This definitely is an over reaction. She is trying to make small talk with you...

 

Why is it okay to ask someone "you don't enjoy spending time wiht your family?" That is an extremely personal question to ask someone you aren't close to.

Keenly Established Member

Keenly

Posted
Posted
Why is it okay to ask someone "you don't enjoy spending time wiht your family?" That is an extremely personal question to ask someone you aren't close to.

 

Why is it ok to ask some one how they are doing today? How DARE they ask about MY feelings?

 

 

 

I don't know, but it would seem to me like you are making a big deal of literally nothing. If you disagree with me I can respect that, but you asked.

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SpiralOut Established Member

SpiralOut

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Why is it ok to ask some one how they are doing today? How DARE they ask about MY feelings?

 

 

 

I don't know, but it would seem to me like you are making a big deal of literally nothing. If you disagree with me I can respect that, but you asked.

 

Umm....I don't agree with your comparison. Asking someone "how are you today" is neutral. Asking someone "why don't you like spending time with your family?" is much more personal. It might be okay for a friend to ask their friend something liek that, but when someone isn't close to you I think that's really intrusive. There are certain things you don't ask people while making small talk and that is one of them.

 

Thanks for your opinion.

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SpiralOut Established Member

SpiralOut

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For anyone else responding, I'm not looking to be told if I am overreacting or not. I just want to know, do you think this woman had bad intentions, and did I handle things properly?

 

I am trying very hard to not be so defensive in how I respond to people. Yes I know it's possible that this person meant no harm, but it sure feels like maybe she did. Did I act too passive? Should I have been more assertive?

Mina Established Member

Mina

Posted
Posted
For anyone else responding, I'm not looking to be told if I am overreacting or not. I just want to know, do you think this woman had bad intentions, and did I handle things properly?

 

I am trying very hard to not be so defensive in how I respond to people. Yes I know it's possible that this person meant no harm, but it sure feels like maybe she did. Did I act too passive? Should I have been more assertive?

 

 

No, she probably wasn't saying anything to be negative. It's small talk and so many people have problems with family (I could start a thread on how just dysfunctional either side of my family is) that it's not really a taboo thing to ask. Her facial expressions may have been a bit much, but just ignore it.

 

Honestly, just let it go. I usually go with the fact that unless a conversion has a very important subject or the tone changes to something less normal, people tend to forget conversations very quickly. In a week or two, good chances are she won't remember the conversation unless you bring it up.

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SpiralOut Established Member

SpiralOut

Posted
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Posted (edited)
No, she probably wasn't saying anything to be negative. It's small talk and so many people have problems with family (I could start a thread on how just dysfunctional either side of my family is) that it's not really a taboo thing to ask. Her facial expressions may have been a bit much, but just ignore it.

 

Honestly, just let it go. I usually go with the fact that unless a conversion has a very important subject or the tone changes to something less normal, people tend to forget conversations very quickly. In a week or two, good chances are she won't remember the conversation unless you bring it up.

 

Thanks... well my family issues have never been this bad before, so it's a very sensitive subject for me. I'm also extremely private, which she knows, but I think she's one of those people who are insensitive to that sort of thing. Most other people who know me know when to back off of a subject. And now that I think of it, she talks about her family problems all the time. Geez, she just doesn't hold back and she doesn't care who overhears! I don't know why she does that. Maybe she was just surprised to hear that my life's not perfect or something. I don't know.

 

I feel better now about how I handled it. I was worried that maybe I allowed someone to walk all over me again.

Edited by SpiralOut
coffeebean201 Established Member

coffeebean201

Posted
Posted

Some people are really insensitive.

 

You handled it just fine.

 

Hope you have a good Christmas!

Radu Established Member

Radu

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Posted

Maybe she wanted to spend Christmas with you.

Or maybe she was shocked that you also don't like to spend Christmas with your family.

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SpiralOut Established Member

SpiralOut

Posted
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Maybe she wanted to spend Christmas with you.

Or maybe she was shocked that you also don't like to spend Christmas with your family.

 

Yeah I guess so.... it just offended me that she would have the nerve to ask me such a personal question. It's not like I walked right up to her and started talking about not wanting to spend christmas with my family. I was minding my own business doing my job, she initiated a conversation and made a judgement of me.

 

She always does that. Every single time I talk to that woman she's asking me something, and then acting surprised at my answer. For the love of god, she could NOT wrap her head around the idea that I am ambitious and intelligent and want to get somewhere with my life. She thinks that I should be happy with what I'm doing and want to do it forever. She doesn't understand why I don't want to just sit in front of a computer typing all day long.

 

I don't understand why it's so hard for her to understand that I think the things I think and feel how I feel. It's like every word to come out of my mouth shocks her in some way. If she could hide it, that would be okay I guess, but she doesn't try to hide it at all. It's really irritating.

Edited by SpiralOut
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