sammiexo Posted December 22, 2012 Posted December 22, 2012 I am conflicted with my feelings and afraid I am overreacting but I just get really depressed when I think about my situation. My boyfriend (30 years old) and I (26 years) have been dating for a little over 8 years now. We both work full time and make a combined 60k. We are still living at home with our parents. Bf keeps saying he wishes we were living together and that we should be married by now but says he has no money. BF makes more than I do but unfortunately is still giving money to his 42 year old half sister. She makes about the same amount as my bf but she is always hitting him up for money (she never talks to him unless she needs money)....she demands it and calls it a donation. She asks for anywhere between $700 to a grand at a time and never pays him back. My boyfriend is struggling himself and has been paying his rent and bills all by himself and his dad, who moved back in with him (it was the dad's apt to begin with) is not helping out with rent or the bills because the dad spends it all on his gas guzzler of a car that he drives to chauffeur his girlfriend around. My mom pointed out this will always be a problem and he will always choose the half sister over me and whatever kids we may have. She said he wont be able to buy our kids school supplies because he is too busy sending her money (exaggeration possibly but just an example). Today my boyfriend's dad found out he has colon cancer...he has no insurance and is going to have to rely on my boyfriend to pay for his medical bills. Boyfriend said he will probably have to take over dad's company which means he will be working every night, 7 days a week. My boyfriend and I had a talk today and it seems like we are not going to be moving in together for another year or two at least. He seems really down but says financially it is hard right now and he wishes he could make double what he is now. I just don't know what to do. I love him but I feel like at this point he will never be there for me or put whatever family we have first because he feels sorry/obligated to everyone else. What do you think?
fonewear Posted December 22, 2012 Posted December 22, 2012 First thing I would tell him is to stop giving money to his half sister. Then I would have a serious conversation about if this relationship is going anywhere. 1
mortensorchid Posted December 22, 2012 Posted December 22, 2012 I agree with the OP. He should stop giving money to his half sister, firstly. Second, he should decide what it is that he's doing with you and where it's going. If he insists on remaining stagnant on either point, then you should move onto someone who isn't burdended by these things. 1
ja123 Posted December 22, 2012 Posted December 22, 2012 I'm afraid that he's not going to change, and your instincts are correct that he'll (through compulsion) place other people over you and any kids you might have. It's a terrible stress to try to bring up kids in impoverishment. I hope your boyfriend gets counselling. It seems that he comes from a family embroiled in some kind of addiction and codependency. And he's a part of that. These a very strong forces and don't change overnight. I don't want to tell you to leave, as that's something you'll have to figure out for yourself. But your needs are being met. You're young, but life goes very fast. Live it well. Love and respect yourself. Don't feel guilty. Strive to be happy. 1
Kimbra Posted December 22, 2012 Posted December 22, 2012 (edited) I would listen to your Mum. In the long run are you really going to be happy in the situation you are in now? You do not have to stay and deal with that. I know it is hard. But in the long run you will probably feel relieved you are not involved in all of that when you don't have to be. Agree with the post above. None of this will change. Edited December 22, 2012 by Kimbra
SJC2008 Posted December 22, 2012 Posted December 22, 2012 Commitment phobe! If he's broke but wants to marry you he'd get you ring out of a cracker jack box knowing you'd be ok with waiting for something better. Don't waste your prime child bearing years wondering if he'll marry you. 1
Author sammiexo Posted December 22, 2012 Author Posted December 22, 2012 I agree, I don;'t think he will ever change. The whole thing with the father is sad no doubt but is it realistic for my boyfriend to be paying for the medical bills (he says it is and every child pays for their parents)? The father hasn't been to the doctor in over a decade and chose to buy a fancy car that he doesn't need instead of health insurance. He doesn't pay my boyfriend rent, either. I can't come at my boyfriend with these concerns because he is feeling down right now so I will try to be there for him. But the whole situation just makes me sad. I'm not sure if I will ever have a life with him.
FitChick Posted December 23, 2012 Posted December 23, 2012 His father and sister are adults. He isn't responsible for them. His dad will bankrupt the family business with his medical bills, leaving his son with nothing. You should leave him because you have grown up and he hasn't. Think of how you will feel in another five years with a guy who is bankrupt because of his dad's medical bills.
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