Karma? Hypocrisy?

[nofool4u]

Ok rather than post anything in that person's thread, I thought it would make for an interesting discussion.

 

In a nutshell, a poster told their story of betrayal, unfaithfulness and basically blaming the spouse for their decision to stray, even though it didn't get physical, it doesn't matter.

 

When the person decided to come clean guess what?....so did their spouse.

 

NOW all of a sudden said person is angry and doesn't think they can forgive, but was hoping that their spouse would. I really wanted to put up a and a , but decided not to.

 

To me, this is the mindset of a cheater. They come here, call the BS "bitter" because they don't like what they are hearing. THEN when it happens to them they become....well....bitter. Its that entitlement attitude. People other than themselves have no right to their feelings of being hurt, until it happens to them.

[jlola]

I remember a friend who divorced her cheating ex telling me when she asked her ex if he was not afraid married woman would cheat on him too. He said"We promised never to cheat on each other. We are soulmates". Well, I can tell you what ended up happening when they got together. It is a sad tale.

 

But what really got to my friend was the fact they know how painful it would be to be cheated on , so they need reassurance from each other they will not do what they willingly did to their spouse. Reminds me the the MAFIA mindset. they kill your famiy and you are supposed to accept that. but a member of their family is killed in retaliation and they go ballistic. As though they are the only ones with feelings.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

Ok rather than post anything in that person's thread, I thought it would make for an interesting discussion.

 

In a nutshell, a poster told their story of betrayal, unfaithfulness and basically blaming the spouse for their decision to stray, even though it didn't get physical, it doesn't matter.

 

When the person decided to come clean guess what?....so did their spouse.

 

NOW all of a sudden said person is angry and doesn't think they can forgive, but was hoping that their spouse would. I really wanted to put up a and a , but decided not to.

 

To me, this is the mindset of a cheater. They come here, call the BS "bitter" because they don't like what they are hearing. THEN when it happens to them they become....well....bitter. Its that entitlement attitude. People other than themselves have no right to their feelings of being hurt, until it happens to them.

 

My theory is that affair partners with a high emotional component have a tendency to believe that their situation/relationship is the exception to the rule. While everyone else sees it as the rule. They tell themselves that their affair is special and different than the run-of-the-mill affairs that everyone else has.

 

Their perception is their affair and circumstances are unique and special, and therefore different. In reality, it's not.

Edited December 22, 2012 by Betrayed&Stayed

[ComingInHot]

married to a man who has Always felt "entitled" and able to "justify" his behavior and the amazing ability to lay blame at anyone else feet, I can say that he would literally go CRAZY if the tables were turned! He would've felt betrayed & come up w/ten thousand raons why his A was okay & mine was unacceptable. Bullsh*t really but he has had to come clean w/SO many people that eventually he came clean w/himself. It's just Been recently that he has stated that he wouldn't Ave blamed me (now) if I had cheated in return having to deal w/his narcisstic personalty. That is STILL crazy to me but kind of supports my argument that if I had given up then he realized his "issues" & changed, someone else would get the man I knew he could be...

[Spark1111]

Sometimes I read threads and posts here and find it a fascinating depiction of the rationalizations, justifications and arrogant self-entitlement of a WS and or their AP.

 

it screams my pain is worse than yours. I was right, but you are wrong (to do what I did). Even though I knew he or she was married and lying to their BS, how COULD they lie to me? I DESERVE to be happy and have an affair, but I tried really hard to make the. Marriage better, but you did not, or didn't care enough to, so how DARE you think you are entitled to an affair?

 

There is a preponderance of score-keeping, which is another detrimental characteristic in a relationship.

[nofool4u]

Sometimes I read threads and posts here and find it a fascinating depiction of the rationalizations, justifications and arrogant self-entitlement of a WS and or their AP.

 

it screams my pain is worse than yours. I was right, but you are wrong (to do what I did).

 

Exactly. Just like another thread where the person knowingly enters and A with a married person, then later when things go south only THEN is the married person a piece of crap. NOW they are angry and vent as if they are blameless. That and they then usually end up insulting the husband/wife as being stupid for not knowing what their spouse is, even though they had no knowledge of cheating, prior or otherwise.

[promises]

Exactly. Just like another thread where the person knowingly enters and A with a married person, then later when things go south only THEN is the married person a piece of crap. NOW they are angry and vent as if they are blameless. That and they then usually end up insulting the husband/wife as being stupid for not knowing what their spouse is, even though they had no knowledge of cheating, prior or otherwise.

 

 

Facts. The BS, apparently did know she was married to someone who has cheated.

 

But, you are right that only the BS is a victim. The rest of the participants are evil.

[nofool4u]

Facts. The BS, apparently did know she was married to someone who has cheated.

 

You mean the BS you had a hand in helping MM betray? If so, then yes, she should have known better. Anyone that knowingly involves themselves with a cheater should know just what kind of louse they are getting, whether it be a man or woman.

 

But, you are right that only the BS is a victim. The rest of the participants are evil.

 

Ah yes, the sarcasm. In rare instances, IMO, the BS can be very evil.

 

But in most cases, the BS is simply blindsided by their spouse and AP. In those cases yes, the rest of the participants are evil. IMHO:)

 

But hey, thanks for helping prove the premise of my thread with your attitude of BS's

[amaysngrace]

I don't understand the mentality of someone who willingly gets with a married person in general. There are so many people in the world so why them?

 

Also why do they not feel like the should have a whole relationship? Why don't they think they're worth that?

 

I just don't get it.

 

But it's a little ironic when an OW complains that their MM gets another OW besides them. Then they feel cheated on.

 

It's like "hello?" You've been cheated on all along. He has a wife.

 

It's beyond my comprehension.

[nofool4u]

I don't understand the mentality of someone who willingly gets with a married person in general. There are so many people in the world so why them?

 

Also why do they not feel like the should have a whole relationship? Why don't they think they're worth that?

 

I just don't get it.

 

But it's a little ironic when an OW complains that their MM gets another OW besides them. Then they feel cheated on.

 

It's like "hello?" You've been cheated on all along. He has a wife.

 

It's beyond my comprehension.

 

Oh I know it. My problem is when its all over suddenly they are the victim, even though they were an accomplice to someone elses victimization.

 

Bottom line, if you are knowingly bedding down a married person then right off the bat you should know that they are not an honest person with integrity. And the fact they don't care that they are a party to causing someone else pain and cry fowl when things don't go their way, well, like you said, its beyond comprehension.

[wheelwright]

Oh I know it. My problem is when its all over suddenly they are the victim, even though they were an accomplice to someone elses victimization.

 

Bottom line, if you are knowingly bedding down a married person then right off the bat you should know that they are not an honest person with integrity. And the fact they don't care that they are a party to causing someone else pain and cry fowl when things don't go their way, well, like you said, its beyond comprehension.

 

In my brief return to LS here, I find the hardest thing is the mugger/victim mentality.

 

Have and get what you want and be yourself. Be your integrity.

 

You are not a victim - people who tell you and allow to feel that do not have your best interests at heart.

 

Other people's pain is simply that. If you are a reasonably good person, you are not responsible.

 

You will be yourself, and don't let others dictate.

[ComingInHot]

For the sake of venting...

 

I think my favorite is when the OW/OM "out" the A to the BS then get pi$$ed when the BS doesn't "kick'em to the curb" where the OW/OM can jump in as the new partner. These same people then have the audacity to say, " why would the BS stay w/their cheating spouse? They must be too weak/insecure/to whatever to leave"...

 

I just think, DUH, why would you engage in an A w/a married person in the first place and why would you hope the BS leaves so you could then be w/a cheater?...

 

I'm still befuddled about that.

[nofool4u]

Some are now calling it gas lighting.

They think they're on par with the BS in terms of being a victim.

 

They are ONLY if the MM/MW lied to them about their marital status.

 

If they knew upfront they were married, then they are not the victim in any way, shape, or form.

[nofool4u]

For the sake of venting...

 

I think my favorite is when the OW/OM "out" the A to the BS then get pi$$ed when the BS doesn't "kick'em to the curb" where the OW/OM can jump in as the new partner.

 

Love that one too. Then they tear down the BS saying they are stupid, idiots, whatever, because they choose to stay with a cheater....because the OW/OM can't have the cheater:lmao:

 

And notice they have no interest in outing the affair to the BS until they have been scorned, as if they care about the BS getting the information they should have.

 

But hey, whatever works I guess.

 

 

These same people then have the audacity to say, " why would the BS stay w/their cheating spouse? They must be too weak/insecure/to whatever to leave"...

 

And they are the epitomy of strength:rolleyes:

 

 

I just think, DUH, why would you engage in an A w/a married person in the first place and why would you hope the BS leaves so you could then be w/a cheater?...

 

I'm still befuddled about that.

 

My x-wife's OM, who she is now with, got what he asked for, and he aint liking it. He has verbally abused her, and hit her on one occasion that I can recall, because, and get this......he can't trust her. Oh gee, what was his first freakin' clue?

[chucksagent]

I think the problem is 2 fold:

 

1) It's engrained in our TV, media, books, games, etc. Cheating is just PART of society today. And if you don't think the media or TV has an effect on us, ask yourself why companies pay MILLIONS for 20 seconds of AD time during the Superbowl.

 

2) No moral compass or decision making skills in people today. (See below from a different post I responded to)

 

"With all bad decision making comes bad outcomes/consequences. However, in the old days, parents, friends, spouses, significant others HELD people accountable as a means to TEACH and ENFORCE consequences. Today though, we are doing things the opposite:

 

-Slap a child when he/she misbehaves became CHILD ABUSE

-Telling one child he won and another child he lost became HURTFUL

-Expecting/Asking a person you care about to act with class and dignity became CONTROLLING or JEALOUS or POSSESSIVE

-If your best friend hit on you other best friends wife you knocked him out; now that became ASSAULT and you get SUED.

-Criminal robs your house to support his drug habit he's out on work release a month later (this happened to a good friend) doing 2 WEEKS TIME SERVED

-Have unprotected sex and don't want the kid - GET AN ABORTION

-Drive drunk and risk lives - TAKE AN ARD CLASS and be back on behind the wheel tomorrow.

 

What do we expect to happen to people? We are animals after all. We LEARN through consequences and lessons and training like any other animals. We raised a generation of broken people thanks to "good intentions." You know what the say the path to hell is paved with, don't you?

[Michael Johnson]

You are not a victim - people who tell you and allow to feel that do not have your best interests at heart.

 

Considering you I find this statement interesting. The word exists in the dictionary for a reason. If someone has been cheated on and does or did not know about it then yes, that is a victim, whether you choose to believe it or not. Someone who has been kidnapped and raped, that is a victim.

[nofool4u]

Considering you I find this statement interesting. The word exists in the dictionary for a reason. If someone has been cheated on and does or did not know about it then yes, that is a victim, whether you choose to believe it or not. Someone who has been kidnapped and raped, that is a victim.

 

Precisely

 

Here are 2 definitions that does convey that those cheated on are victims. From Merriam-Webster.

 

: one that is acted on and usually adversely affected by a force or agent <the schools are victims of the social system>: as

 

: one that is tricked or duped

 

With the first one, those cheated on are definitely adversely affected by a force/agent(MW/MM, OW/OM)

And no, a MW/MM, OW/OM cannot use this to call themselves victims because the force/agent in question is their own decision. So if they want to claim to be victims, then they are a victim of themselves.

 

And with the second one needs no explanation.

[waterwoman]

I don't want to be a victim. I HATE thinking of myself as a victim. But I was at the mercy of someone else's actions that harmed me. What else is that but being a victim.

 

Personally I dislike a lot of the terminology around infidelity - betrayal, wayward, victim. It's all sounds so Victorian and melodramatic. But I can find no other way to describe the feeling of utter shock and misery that hit me on d-day. It was like being the victim of a virulent sickness or a emotional tsunami.

[nofool4u]

I don't want to be a victim. I HATE thinking of myself as a victim. But I was at the mercy of someone else's actions that harmed me. What else is that but being a victim.

 

Personally I dislike a lot of the terminology around infidelity - betrayal, wayward, victim. It's all sounds so Victorian and melodramatic. But I can find no other way to describe the feeling of utter shock and misery that hit me on d-day. It was like being the victim of a virulent sickness or a emotional tsunami.

 

Don't get me, or even us wrong. I am saying that someone that has been cheated on is definitely a victim.

 

But then we take steps to cease being a victim. My victimhood lasted just a little over a month, then I took matters into my own hands.

[Spark1111]

I don't want to be a victim. I HATE thinking of myself as a victim. But I was at the mercy of someone else's actions that harmed me. What else is that but being a victim.

 

Personally I dislike a lot of the terminology around infidelity - betrayal, wayward, victim. It's all sounds so Victorian and melodramatic. But I can find no other way to describe the feeling of utter shock and misery that hit me on d-day. It was like being the victim of a virulent sickness or a emotional tsunami.

 

Call yourself the faithful spouse. No longer a victim...and it is the truth, so be proud of it.

 

You are and were the Faithful Spouse.

[beenburned]

nofool4you,

 

Your original question fit what happened to my D perfectly!

 

Her H had a 4 year affair, then got greedy and added another OW. When OW#1 found out about OW#2 all kinds of sh** hit the fan!

 

OW#1 was so mad at her MM(D's H), that she called my D and told her about the whole 4 year affair and about OW#2, including her phone number! She also provided all evidence needed for D to file for a divorce on the grounds of adultery.

 

But at no time during the whole 4 year affair did she spill the beans, until she found out he was also lying and cheating on her! Then it just wasn't right.

 

Most cheaters feel that it is O.K. to cheat on someone else as long as no one cheats on them.

[sweet_pea]

What's confusing to me, is when the OW, after the affair is over, says all of these things about the WS-- name calling, saying they have personality disorders, they're horrible, terrible people for getting involved in an affair, this, that and the other (which may be true)...

 

but then what does that make the OW?

 

It's like the MM is everything, but the OW isn't. Maybe I don't understand, but I always find that backwards and I want to point it out, but don't want to cause drama, lol.

[beenburned]

sweet pea,

 

BathandBodyWorks sells a great smelling fragrance by the name of sweet pea.(the flower)

 

My little granddaughter was with me when I bought some. She said " I just don't see why anyone would want to smell like peas"!!

[nofool4u]

Point being, two women have been conned, the wife and the ow and yes I know the ow shouldn't have been surprised, but she often is.

 

If the OW knew beforehand the man was married, then no, she wasn't conned.

 

All the OW can do is move on and be determined never to put herself in that position again, this goes for OM as well.

 

But to complain about it when its all said and done, especially the type of complaining where they bash the wife, is completely ridiculous and hypocritical.