5 and half yr relationship down the drain, ex rebounding?

[VroomGrl211]

I don't know if anyone has gone through this, but any feedback would be greatly appreciated...

I broke up with my ex of 5 and half yrs just 2 months ago. I had second thoughts about our relationship and didn't feel like I was IN LOVE with him. We were each other's first and were together since high school.

 

He still told me he loved me afterwards and asked for another chance. I couldn't just have a clean cut and not talk to him anymore so we stayed close friends, and actually still acted like a couple and spent a lot of time together. Although I said I didn't want to get back together, he seemed to be ok with it. But the more time we spent together, the more I started to doubt my decision to break up and I thought I was falling for him all over again.

 

Then a month ago he met a girl and started hanging out. He said they were just friends, but I knew eventually it was more. Things hasn't really hit me until he started flaking out on me to go out with her and stayed up really late, even slept over, but I doubt anything physical happened at the time. Now I don't know... Feelings between them all developed so fast in matter of less than 2 weeks. I just think it's too fast too soon, considering we've been together and best friends for almost 6yrs. I don't know if it's rebound or he really saw something better, he said they really click and have chemistry, but why still be close to me?

 

Now he just acts cold and don't care to call me anymore. I just don't see how he can get over me so fast and move onto someone else. He said he already gave up along ago and was just playing around. But I feel like he just used me to have someone there until he found someone new. That, I just can't get over. Even though I was the one breaking up, he was attached to me until she came along. I know he's the type who's afraid to be alone, so he stuck to me until he could find somewhere else to belong.

 

I've been thru so much emotions lately, from thinking I was still in love with him, to jealousy, to hating him, now I just feel really resentful. Sigh.... It's just really hard to recover from a 6yr relationship, we used to do everything together, and especially when I feel I've been replaced so easily by someone else in 2 months... I cared about him so much but seems like now he just acts cold and could care less if we stay friends or not, so why should I? I want to learn to be ok being alone and not rebound off someone else, but at same time I can't get over what he's done...

[gold26]

I feel very bad for wat you are going thru.. but in all fairness you have to look at things from his point of view also.. you WERE in fact the one who wanted to break up and when he tried to reconcile you werent interested..

and as time went buy he probably just accepted that friendship was all you wanted..

its the age old scenario of never missing something till its gone.. you had him and didnt want him.. and now unfortunately since he met someone who does want him your angry...its a shame that it took someone else being interested in him to open our eyes and see what you chose to give up..

 

i wish i could say something to make you feel better.. but you will most likley have to just wait it out and see what happenes... if you care for this person AS a friend then you need to treat him as a friend and try not to show your jealosy or resentment.. if you feel you cant do that then my advice would be to distance yourself before you end up saying or doing something you may regret later..in the meantime i would try to move on with my life and meet other people.. they may not last.. but you cant live your life based on the outcome of there relationship either..

[wolvie666]

My fiance (we were together 7 years) broke up with me 2 months ago to take some time and think about things and all the sudden like a week later she was with another guy. Now she is still dating him but has been calling me and saying she misses me and wants to get together, so we'll make plans and then she'll break them. It sucks and I know she still doesn't know what she wants but she is handling this bad and being very immature and calling me all sad saying she misses what we have only to blow me off later is just making me resent her. Yeah I sucks when somebody can just act like spending all those years together meant nothing. Now she may be starting to regret dumping me, but if she wants to work things out she has to prove to me that she is willing to give herself completely back to me.

[Vroomgrl211]

I'm so sorry to hear that wolvie666, I can feel what you're going through, =\, 5,6,7 yrs... it's a long time we invested our love and energy in someone... If you don't mind me asking, what makes your ex-fiance not want to be with the other guy and want to come back to you now? And did you two keep in touch at all during this time that she was seeing him? I can't bare to be my ex's friend because I don't want to know how their relationship is developing and stuff...

[kathylovesflowers]

So...whats your ages? More info might be helpful for me to give some insight.

[VroomGrl21]

I'm 21, he's 22. Oh yea I've been doing the no contact thing for 2 days, it's hard at times.. When I don't have things to do I feel empty. Part of me still hopes he doesn't work out with the other girl, but I also want to convince myself that I deserve better. Mixed emotions, =\.

[wolvie666]

She more or less had this massive personality shift and turned herself into this hard partying girl (something she never was before) and this guy is a part of that scene. He's also an a**h*** who has a bad temper and gets in a lot of fistfights, he doesn't have a car so she has to drive him around, and he does a lot of drugs. He's the kind of guy she would have never given the time of day to before. That being said, she is still with him... I've been waiting for her call all day since she told me friday she "really" wanted to see me today, but so far my phone hasn't rung so I'm guessing I will be blown off again and when I do talk to her I'm going to tell her to please stop acting like she wants to work things out if she is going to cancel plans when the day comes. I don't want to keep talking to her as long as she is acting like this and dating this guy. She seems to call me after he does ignorant stuff or after she's away from him for a while and thinking about me. I love this girl more than anything in the world, but this mixed signal crap is just bringing me down really bad. I want all or nothing at all when it comes to her. I can't be her friend... That just isn't possible. Hell, I don't even like the person she has turned herself into now anyway, I love the person she was and when she calls me and we talk normally that girl starts coming out again... It sucks. I'm making efforts to get out there and meet other people. Went to a party last night and talked to a lot of different girls, but kept checking my cell phone to see if she called, kept comparing everything about these girls to her in my head. I had a good time, but today I think I'm more down than I've been all week. Probably because she has me waiting for her call. I just wish she would snap out of it because we had such a bright future and she has no future with this loser.

 

We didn't really keep in touch at first. I kept my distance though would occasionally break down and call her or make an excuse to stop by, thinking that seeing me would change her mind. Sometimes she would yell at me and other times she would break down and cry and say she still loved me and doesn't know why she's been acting the way she has. Then I quit calling or coming around and she basically calls me after she doesn't hear from me for a while. It was just last week that she started this whole acting like she wants me back thing though.

 

She has been lying to me all week and saying that she broke up with that guy, it's like she doesn't want me to know they're still together because she is unsure of what she really wants. Believe it or not she insists to a lot of people that she is in love with this guy and thinks he is the one, and then I tell them about the phone calls I get and they doubt that she is being true to herself just like I do. I just know I don't want to play games. I'm better than the guy she left me for and I have way more to offer. If she can't see it or appreciate it then maybe I can find somebody else who will.

[unclejo23]

cause I'm only 26....and Vroom... I'm am in the same position as your ex...

 

 

but I know when i was 21-22... there were sooo many things i still wanted to experience before making a long term decision about my life...? And my ex-fiance(23) may be feeling the same way... I won't know until she figures it out for herself... Much like you need to figure out exactly what you want out of life, and whether he is part of that...

 

My fiance wants us to stay best of friends... But I just can't do that... Not right now... I think you guys should have done the No Contact much earlier, but hindsight is always 20/20. You can't resent him for moving on. It actually shows strength in character, and confidence in himself. Please don't think I'm choosing sides due to my own situation. I just think you should give NC a chance for a while... maybe get to know someone new yourself, or atleast be open to meeting new "friends".

 

If you feel you made a mistake by calling things off.. the only thing you can do is tell him(after a spell of NC)... again this is only my opinion... IF my ex-fiance decides she made a mistake. She will have to prove that to me, not just that it was a mistake. But prove to me that her mind, heart, and intentions are on the same page.

[VroomGrl21]

Thanks unclejo, it's always helpful to hear from an older person point of view. I did do the NC for 2 days until he called me up and asked to talk. He said he realized that it was wrong and insensitive of him ignoring me while he and the other girl started seeing each other. He said he really valued our friendship and that he NEEDS me to be there for him as a friend, but I said I couldn't do that knowing he's with her. But somehow I got weak and backed out and saw him again.

He said he was going to "chill off" from the other girl for a while because he realize he was jumping in too fast. He said that 2 days ago. Then today when I went over to his house to give him something, she was there with him, he took her to his place to watch movies. I'm guess she called and wanted to see him and he just gave in. So much for wanting to "chill off". I was really hurt so I ran off but he chased after me and tried to comfort me and told me that they aren't doing anything. I think he really doesn't know what or who he wants. I know he has feelings for me but I don't want to play this game, but not having him in my life is also painful as I have experienced the past week not talking to him. So what should I do? Keep on doing the NC no matter how much he says he needs me there? Give him an ultimadum to choose now or SOON? Or try to be friend to him and hope he'll decide? This is driving me crazy...

[wolvie666]

I have gone back to no contact and it's just better. Trust me, it will get easier for you. You can't let him string you along while he is trying to make up his mind. This is a lesson I've definetly learned the hard way. My ex gave me the same crap your ex is giving you and you have to just leave him be and take care of yourself. Do not try and be friends with him, that'll be too hard on you if he is seeing somebody else. Just tell him you are moving on and then move on. If things work out down the road than that's great, but if they don't then you will be mentally prepared for it. This is where I'm at right now and you should get yourself there. You gotta be strong. Not talking to him will get easier. Don't find reasons to stop by or call. I still have stuff I would like to have back at her place, but I'm just leaving it all for now. It's important to show these people that we are doing just fine without them.

 

I know my ex is making a mistake with the guy she is seeing and deep down she knows it and that is why she is mixed up and is trying to keep me in her life. That's why she will call me one day and act like she wants me back only to run off with the other guy. I don't need this crap in my life. As much as I love her and as much as I want her in my life it's better if she isn't. She will learn a hard lesson one day soon and will probably want to come back. If I'm there to take her back or not is a different matter. You should start moving in that same direction. It'll get easier, trust me.

[manofmystrey]

VroomGrl211

 

You left him, u need to not worry about what he is doing. And in the end u left him cause u felt u no longer loved him. Let it go. If you were seeing someone else would this be an issue? In all honesty u have to just let him do his thing. As for him saying he gave up long ago he is just saying that cause he is hurt and he does not want to let u know that cause deep down he still loves you.

[VroomGrl21]

Thanks for the feedbacks again. I'm trying to let him do his own thing, but at the same time he's telling me he still got feelings for me and needs me there, and that he is taking a break from her, but turns around and see her again? And I bet he'd never tell me if I never went to his house yesterday. It's not like I wanted to check up on him. Last night he called afterwards and left a voice mail telling me not to be sad and that they weren't doing anything. I felt like he had to explain himself to show/tell me that he still "sort of" wants me back, but at same time I felt like he spent time with her to make sure they're cool and then come back to repair the damage with me.

 

I know it'd still be an issue if I'm seeing someone else because I know I'm not over my ex, that's why I don't. He can't make up his mind and I'm getting exhausted of all this. Wolvie666, I don't know if my ex knows that he's made a mistake or not, but why are they being so selfish wanting to keep us in their lives while still trying to make it work with the other person? If they still got feelings for their ex, shouldn't they cool off from other relationships and figure out something with their exes first? How does it help by dating another person? Sometimes I feel like (or hope that's what it is) I'm so stuck on him because I'm so attached to him after all these years, not because that I'm really in love with him. Hopefully doing the NC will help me clear that up...

[rukallstar]

Hello all

 

i'm in a similar boat. my gf and i broke up because of long-distance and her believing she was to young. i'm 29 and she just turned 25. we're both selfsih and bit immature for our ages from a social perspective. we agreed to not contact each other for 6 months, we joked around how after that we would probably get married. the ldr really affected things, because when i was in town for an extended stay everything was great.

 

well i broke down after 2 months and contacted her. turns out that she's isn't doing well career wise. she's a painter and dropped out of her mfa program. but she started dating a guy who she admitted to in a roundabout way is a lesser version of myself. that he's going to be moving to new york in 3 months and that she'll break up with him, but he doesn't know that yet. we had tried to break-up before, because we both knew that we needed to get our lives in order before we could make a decision such as marriage. well it seems that i'm going to be getting a very good job, in minneapolis. she's in dc. she said the next time we talk. i told her that i can't be just friends with her, so she will have to contact me, she'll be living with her parents. i figure i want to get my swagger back and see how i feel about her. because we got close when i got laid off and then we stayed close, but eventually long-distance tore us apart. i want to know why would a gf admit, in a roundabout way that she's going out with a guy that is very much like me, just not as cool, but he's there and i'm not, and that she is already planning to break up with him when he moves away. mind you she called me back the same day that i called her. we talked for an hour. both said we can talk for hours but doesn't change that we're in different cities. i know that i should give her time to sift through things. she's going through a rough time, she needs to figure out things out on her own. get a greater sense of independence. she's sees her mother unhappy in her marriage and thingks that she married to young. she loves her dad and i remind her very much of him. both of her parents want her to marry me.

 

i need some advice from women to see where her head is at, in the sense that she would date someone so quickly after we broke-up and that he is pretty much someone who is a lesser me. my mutual friends in dc even told me that he can't hold a candle to me. that he is a lesser version. and why would she tell me that she is going to break up with him, but at the same time tell me that we just were'nt meant to be because of the geography thing. i'm not going to contact her. my confidence is returning because it seems that my career is back on track. i'm very career-oriented. have to have your house in order before you can ionvite someone home. just need some input into her psyche. advice from women would greatly help.

 

thanks