Student left wondering in need of

[Kevinsturm]

Hi guys, I am freshly new to thia forum. Have been reading and studying for the past week about getting an ex back, but from what I"v learn"t, each situation is different, and I wanted some outside view on mine. I met a girl whole she was visiting my city, after numerous meet ups( weekend dates) we decided to be exclusive and call it a long distance relationship since she was 700 km away. For about one year all went well, we were in this ldr but never really acted needy or anything although we would talk everyday. Btw the girl is almost 20 and I am 5 years older. After about one year of ldr, my ex decided to college which will stoll be 200 km away but we envisioned it being much more bearable. And were so excited about the opportunitty. So this brings us to september 2012, we were continuing our long distance relationship but seing each other more often, about 2-3 times a month. So I would go there to her college and stay with her in her dorm for 2-3 days at a time, usually weekends... We would study together, then sat nights id bring her out, sometimes i would even surprise her, do her groceries and after 3 days go back home to my house, my school. Now my ex is a very emotional person, she has a lot of stress issues, first off like i said, she is in her first year of college, second of all, she is in a very difficult program, thirdly she lives in her dormroom with a roomate that she cant stand. Also she missers herr home and her family an her hometown friends really badly! And i think the fact that were in a ldr, doesnt help her, since I am not there for her when she needs me, or needs to vent. It"s to the point that when i went there last time, she just started crying in my arms on a sat noght cuz she misses her family. Anyhow, these last 3 months, I self admitadly screwed up, I started smothering her, giving her much attention, being needy and basically not being much of a challenge. I even suggested moving in together next year to be together, which was obviously a smothering mistake.!Recently she was in huge stress because of her exams, we got into a small fight last friday nothing serious tho. Friday she went out with her friends, called me drunk when she got home and it was already established that I was comig to see her. The following morning, i call her to make plans and she said, i dont think we should be together, im not sure what i want. We then talked for 2 hrs discussing whats up, I tried to get as mch info as I could from her. She sais she was unsure what she wanted, she still loves me, but she needs space and time, and needs to figure things out on her own. She said the chances we get back together are 50-50 but we are not on break, we are broken up, with no date or goal to get back together. She honestly said she didnt know what she wanted, oh yeah, she also mentionned that the ldr are in demands alot of effort and its hard. She said she always felt we were a lil doomed bcz of the ldr, she said that its so hard and she feels like its 2 extremes where were either in a ldr, or have to live together, unlike a conventional xouple who gets to date and so on.. I asked er if we lived in the same city would we try she said yes... Another thing is that just days before her breaking up, she said NUMEROUS times i lve you, im never letting go and so on. I personally feel like the relationship was getting to serious to quick for her. Shes a very nervous girl. I made one mistake after, I called her the following morning and said we should spend the day and do sometjing fun, like when our relationship was casual she thought it was not a good idea as she could not just turn off all those emotions in one day which i understand. It was a mistake, i wished her to finish her final exam and go back home spend time with her family and her friends, and it would do good dor her she obviously agreeed. Since then i iniates no contact and have tried to work on myself and although i know no contact is not designed to get her back i am using that for now... After 4 days of nc, she texted me ( will post text below) i didnt answer, and she texted me 8 hours later at 1 am saying :are you up? I disnt answer and ts beenn 48 hours and not sure what to do...im at 6 days no contact. I dot want her to think i took it so bad im to hurt to answer... But at the same time i read that she has to lose me and miss me to have any chance at a new relationship where i would have to attract her again with the same guy i was when she initially fell for me. But the fact that shes at home and shes out with her fam and friends, like will she forget me? Plz any opinions an help will be appreciated. I will post he text b4

[Kevinsturm]

Hey I hope ur finals went well. I'm home now, just thought Id see how you are doing. It's ****ty but I think us not talking much is best for me right now. I don't really have anything to say that we haven't already discussed. Call me if u need to, but otherwise I hope your holidays are good and you get some much needed relaxation. Merry Christmas and then 8 hrs later, 1 am she asked : hey are you up?

[Kevinsturm]

Sorry for another reply, i"m looking for the best strategy in this xase. Nc or lc? And if so how do i transit from one to another...

[Kevinsturm]

anyone please? your opinions are really appreciated.

[HaveFaithxx]

Everyone here will tell you to go NC completely and just keep ignoring her texts. They will tell you that the reason to do it is for you to heal and move on and not be anyones doormat. That's true. It is the "fastest" way to get over someone.

 

When I think about how my exes have gotten back together then we still had a little contact. Everyone will tell you not to try to get her back. Let her come to you if she wants you etc. I know if a guy totally ignored me and I wanted to get back together with him, then there is no way I would profess my love for him. I would give up pretty quickly.

 

I don't think there is anything wrong with trying to get your ex back, if you are willing to put up with all the pain it will cause, and being rejected for the second time.

 

If it were me, I would be friendly and reply to her texts. Wait a few hours or a day to reply. Try it for a few weeks or whatever, until it hurts too much or you see that she is just trying be friends or stringing you along. Then I would just stop replying and go total NC. If she contacts you wondering why, then I would tell her that I couldn't be friends and that I want more. And to not contact until me until then.

 

I don't know though. Everyone will tell you different. I went total NC with my ex and I feel it made it worse. He really did love me and was so upset he had to break up with me. We broke up due to circumstance, and I think that I went total NC hurt him so bad.

 

Bottom line is that you can't make someone fall in love with you again. Just give them space but you also need an opportunity for them to see you again.

[Kevinsturm]

thank you for your point of view have faith. she did say she still loves me which she is uncertain of, but I think I can totally agree with you that some small contact has to be kept. I'm thinking about texting her on christmas... what do you think about the text messages she sent me? the first one i posted doesnt mean much to me she seems to just be checking up, but then 8 hours later at 1 am when she asks if i 'm up tells me that shes thinking about me at 1 am , ...i hope... its been 3 days and i havent replied, thinking about if i want to do it tommorow or on christmas:S

[blotter]

"Friday she went out with her friends, called me drunk when she got home and it was already established that I was comig to see her. The following morning, i call her to make plans and she said, i dont think we should be together, im not sure what i want."

 

This my friend is a huge red flag. This stinks of her getting interest in someone else.

[Kevinsturm]

"Friday she went out with her friends, called me drunk when she got home and it was already established that I was comig to see her. The following morning, i call her to make plans and she said, i dont think we should be together, im not sure what i want."

 

This my friend is a huge red flag. This stinks of her getting interest in someone else.

 

you mind expanding a lil please? she said that she spoke to her friends and one of her friends was also in a ldr recently and it broke up, she told me her friends told her that shes still young and she doesnt need this ldr and so on and so on , shes impulsive....

[blotter]

IMO, this sounds like she is starting to see what a local dating scene is like, and her friends are encouraging her to partake. Be careful with these girls that are under 25, they will get you to invest a lot into the relationship and then leave you high and dry when someone interesting comes around.

[Chi townD]

Yep! I agree. Funny how just a few day before she stated that she loves you and will never let you go. Then, after one night out with her friends, she kicks you to the curb. So much for never letting you go.

 

Her friend are encouraging her to hook up with other guy and I speculate they're the ones that influenced her to dump you.

[Kevinsturm]

Yes i know for a fact this is true... She admitted to me that that friday night her friends kind of talked her into it/ convinced her... What do you guys thik abt the text she sent me? And the fact that i disnt answer she sent another one at 1 asking if i was up.... . Its been 6 days no contact, 3 since she texted me and I have not answered . I know / feel that in order to get her back some sort of texting / momentum going again... Im debating wether to text her today or more likely on christmas... I know It has to be a pretty dry text... Opinions...? Thanks and thank you to those who have answered already!

[NavyAirTraffic]

No making first contact EVER, wait for another text (if you even get one). She texts you anything other than "I messed up, I want you back" you ignore like you've been.

 

The guys above are right. You DON'T want/need this woman. If she's so easily pursuaded, what happens in 2 months when you guys go through a rough stretch and she has a talk with her friends about it? She doesn't know what the wants? Great, you don't date indecisive people! You want someone who wants you for YOU, not someone who's indecisive about you, someone you have to play "NC/LC, texting games" with.

 

Indecision=uninterested otherwise she'd be with YOU

[Kevinsturm]

Thx for ur comments so far guys. Im tryint to put myself in the frame of

Mind that i was 2 yrs ago when i met her, single and meeting gurls in clubs right n left. This gurl was talking about "our" children "our house " and what not... The reason why i think i can get er back is because unlike like othe stories on here where the ex tells the dumpee to get lost. My ex that it had about to do with long distance! And im willing to fix the distance... I asked if we lived in the same city would we try this out? And she said yes. Im hoping that by adopting the same attitude i had when she fell for

Le, and by becoming a distance challenge pver the holidays she will miss me would then allow

Me to fix the distance.... Is this farfetched? Btw for anyone going through this right now, i suggest you listen to a lot of lil waye and listen to his lyrics, try to

Put urself in his mindset, it helps to love urself. Its. Like its not worh it, only show love to someone who shows love to i.!!!! Heck have 50 gurls like him!!!!!

[Chi townD]

And im willing to fix the distance... I asked if we lived in the same city would we try this out? And she said yes. Im hoping that by adopting the same attitude i had when she fell for

Le, and by becoming a distance challenge pver the holidays she will miss me would then allow

Me to fix the distance.... Is this farfetched?

 

She telling you what you want to hear to make this as less painful as it has to be for you. Fact is, if you called her up and told her that your car is packed and you're on your way, she would freak the hell out! Then, you'll get a different set of excuses as to why you can be with her anymore.

 

Don't text her, not even on Xmas. She made a choice (well, her friends made the choice for her) to have you OUT of her life. She decided that she doesn't want you anymore. You are not her friend, so don't fall for that friend zone crap.

She made this choice, you didn't. So, she has to live with the consquences of her actions. She'll try to contact you at some point. Because, she knows she dumped you and she feels bad about it. Therefore, she'll try to contact you to make sure that you're okay. Nothing more than that. It's to put HER mind at ease and to also ease her guilt. Chances are, once she discovers that you're okay and that you're not mad at her anymore, she's kicking you to the curb.

[Kevinsturm]

thx for your imput, yeah what you say makes sense (unfortunately)... you know i'm here left wondering how can she be this cruel to me, really it's crazy, i did alot for this gurl, first time i'm on the receiving end of being dumped to... thx for the reply.

[Kevinsturm]

any remote chance? what she says is true? that the distance is so hard on her and so on... that shes unsure, maybe it REALLY is the distance? shes a very emotional girl, stressed with school, cried to me about missing her family .... id there a REMOTE that it was just so much pressure for her and now that she is home for 2 more weeks she will find herself ?

[Kevinsturm]

what about the fact that i went cold turkey nc? make her miss me ?