Am I disrespectful or is he possessive?

[phineas]

Actually, the thought was that I am going to dump him. But I wanted to hear other's opinions before I made a potentially foolhardy choice. Secondly, I never said I was innocent in this -- that is your perception, and I can't do a damn thing about that. My conclusion is that I am too free spirited for this particular person, and it would only end up driving us both crazy.

 

Also, I'm not the keeper of a 37 year old man. If he locks himself out of his house, in my opinion, that's not MY problem. I wouldn't contact him if I locked myself out of my house. I'd call a locksmith. I'd take responsibility.

 

Lastly, you assume quite a lot. To say the very least, you are wrong about a lot of the factors you made up in your head.

 

"free spirited" is universal code for "i'm disrespectful, selfish, & it's your problem if you can't handle that" usually pre-empted by that retarded Marilyn Monroe quote that every woman on a dating site who has managed to make it into their late 30's without getting married has as the first line of their profile.

[phineas]

Are you basing this on what women tell you, or on what men tell you? Because in my experience, lots of men love acting like their girls bust their balls on a daily basis, even when it isn't remotely true. Because in my real life, I've never known a woman who needs to know where her man is 24/7, nor have I met a man that would be upset to find out his GF made last-minute plans but didn't tell him for one whole hour.

 

 

1. basing it on real life experience of hearing women bitch about their irresponsible BF's at work.

 

2. Seeing BF's bitched at over the phone because we are at the club-house having a beer after golf instead of in the car on the way home.

 

Perhaps it's just the large population of Italian & irish women in these parts but damn i stopped putting up with that nonsense after my divorce & enjoy being single.

 

3. she didn't tell him after an hr. He had to ask her. BIG difference.

 

I'm not saying the guy is correct, But i'll bet this isn't the first time the op'

s "free spirited-ness" has caused a problem in her relationships.

[SureYeahWhyNot]

I don't see that you'd be obligated to inform him at all. I mean, you were back the same day, you only see each other like once a week, and you don't even live together. So what's the big ****ing deal? I think he's just throwing a temper tantrum because you weren't around when it was convenient for him.

Edited December 22, 2012 by SureYeahWhyNot

[paintedtree]

1. basing it on real life experience of hearing women bitch about their irresponsible BF's at work.

 

2. Seeing BF's bitched at over the phone because we are at the club-house having a beer after golf instead of in the car on the way home.

 

Perhaps it's just the large population of Italian & irish women in these parts but damn i stopped putting up with that nonsense after my divorce & enjoy being single.

 

3. she didn't tell him after an hr. He had to ask her. BIG difference.

 

I'm not saying the guy is correct, But i'll bet this isn't the first time the op'

s "free spirited-ness" has caused a problem in her relationships.

 

Again, you are not reading things. I told him. He never asked.

I'm sure your ex-wife is happy to be single, too.

[SpiralOut]

The fact that he wasn't at all on your mind speaks volumes.

 

It means that she has a life that does not revolve around making sure to call her boyfriend every time she leaves the house.

 

I think the main issue is how angry this guy became.... I can understand feeling annoyed, or feeling hurt. But angry? And then saying all the stuff he said? Red flag.

[MrCastle]

You messed up. Plain and simple.

[paintedtree]

You messed up. Plain and simple.

 

I appreciate your input. I think I have made my mind up on this one, though. Thank you!

[dasein]

I don't think it was a great big deal, and he was rude, but also understand phineas' POV. There is some spin/head scratching from your OP also, which partially explains sceptical reactions. I'm left wondering what destination/nature this roadtrip and why would you omit that from your OP? Wouldn't it have been simpler to say to him, "X came by and we went shopping?" or "X came by an wanted me to go over to Y town?" whatever it was if it was innocuous?

 

If I told any woman I've dated, "My best friend just popped into town and kidnapped me on a road trip!" the response would be "Orly?" with about 18 of these expressed in the tone of her "Orly?" and then some pouting and petulance, even if she didn't need help. If she needed my help, and heard "random roadtrip," grilling and third degree might ensue. It just sounds kind of contrived. Maybe work on telling the truth a bit more diplomatically and dump him if his rudeness to you is a pattern and this wasn't singular.

[maybealone]

This is what it would boil down to for me:

 

Any guy who is only interested in going out with me once a week is not someone who is going to me my number one priority yet.

[maybealone]

1. basing it on real life experience of hearing women bitch about their irresponsible BF's at work.

 

2. Seeing BF's bitched at over the phone because we are at the club-house having a beer after golf instead of in the car on the way home.

 

Perhaps it's just the large population of Italian & irish women in these parts but damn i stopped putting up with that nonsense after my divorce & enjoy being single.

 

3. she didn't tell him after an hr. He had to ask her. BIG difference.

 

 

1. Some women are just bitchy. And if they are calling these men their BFs, then they probably are seeing them more than once a week.

 

2. This is why golfers should not date non-golfers. Complaining about clubhouse beers is grounds for immediate breakups, IMO.

 

I would not have ever married anyone in the first place that required me to "put up with that nonsense."

 

3. I get the feeling that he was leaving her messages because he lost his key, not because he seemed to care about where she was or if she was okay. Big, big difference.

[pathetic1999]

I don't think it was a great big deal, and he was rude, but also understand phineas' POV. There is some spin/head scratching from your OP also, which partially explains sceptical reactions. I'm left wondering what destination/nature this roadtrip and why would you omit that from your OP? Wouldn't it have been simpler to say to him, "X came by and we went shopping?" or "X came by an wanted me to go over to Y town?" whatever it was if it was innocuous?

 

If I told any woman I've dated, "My best friend just popped into town and kidnapped me on a road trip!" the response would be "Orly?" with about 18 of these expressed in the tone of her "Orly?" and then some pouting and petulance, even if she didn't need help. If she needed my help, and heard "random roadtrip," grilling and third degree might ensue. It just sounds kind of contrived. Maybe work on telling the truth a bit more diplomatically and dump him if his rudeness to you is a pattern and this wasn't singular.

 

 

I agree on this, there are a few red flags in this whole post that do not seem to make sense...why say road trip?? For a day?

 

Why do you have his key when you are casually dating once a week?

 

You didn't tell him and he didn't ask, he needed a favor and you couldn't do it because it required you to be local, so you notified him you were out of town..correct? Lets call a spade a spade.

[movingon12]

For me it would depend on how often you text/call each other.

 

If your communication normally looks something like:

 

7:32am good morning sexy!

8:14am Oh no, I burnt my toast

9:09am Yuk it's raining, did you get wet this morning?

.....

multiple texter, then I would think it was weird that you didn't tell him sooner, and I can see why he'd be offended.

 

But, if you don't normally text/call him that often during the day, then I don't see why he should have expected to have been told you were going out of town for a while.

[phineas]

Again, you are not reading things. I told him. He never asked.

 

Your OP,

 

Okay so... dating this guy, we will call him Tom. We've been friends for a while, too. My best GIRLfriend unexpectedly flew into town, all the way from across the country. She surprised me by showing up at my door and saying "get in the car!"

 

So of course I did, and we took a road trip. Tom was at work.

 

Well, about an hour into the trip, I check my cell phone... and I have a few messages from him, saying he has locked himself out of his house and he needs to pick up the spare key (which I have to feed his cat when he is out of town).

 

I text back, so sorry, I am out of town. Lindsay surprised me, and we are on a road trip, I am really excited, etc. Can you call your mother, who also has a spare... or your landlord. Or a locksmith.

 

 

At what point in your story did you volunteer to him you were going out of town?

You didn't.

Telling him AFTER he was looking for you is not telling him.

You're self centered and delusional also I see.

 

This tells me you were most likely planing on breaking up with him & using this opportunity to justify it.

 

 

I'm sure your ex-wife is happy to be single, too.

 

let the hat flow through you.

 

But since you asked, she isn't single, she is with the man she cheated on me with & you'd think she was happy since he puts up with her BS & disrespect but the fact she has come onto me several times since the divorce tells me otherwise.

[maybealone]

You're self centered

 

If so, then I'd say he is too. I would never expect someone with a spare key to be at my beck and call. To me, that's a red flag for someone who thinks the world revolves around him.

 

But since you asked, she isn't single, she is with the man she cheated on me with & you'd think she was happy since he puts up with her BS & disrespect but the fact she has come onto me several times since the divorce tells me otherwise.

 

That could just mean she likes having sex with you and that she isn't meant for committed relationships, possibly nothing more and nothing less than that.

[phineas]

I don't think it was a great big deal, and he was rude, but also understand phineas' POV. There is some spin/head scratching from your OP also, which partially explains sceptical reactions. I'm left wondering what destination/nature this roadtrip and why would you omit that from your OP? Wouldn't it have been simpler to say to him, "X came by and we went shopping?" or "X came by an wanted me to go over to Y town?" whatever it was if it was innocuous?

 

If I told any woman I've dated, "My best friend just popped into town and kidnapped me on a road trip!" the response would be "Orly?" with about 18 of these expressed in the tone of her "Orly?" and then some pouting and petulance, even if she didn't need help. If she needed my help, and heard "random roadtrip," grilling and third degree might ensue. It just sounds kind of contrived. Maybe work on telling the truth a bit more diplomatically and dump him if his rudeness to you is a pattern and this wasn't singular.

 

Are they BG/GF or are they just hooking up?

She also claimed they were friends first.

 

Her story sounds more like damage control and rings of non-truths so I have no choice but to believe she is also fibbing about the guys behavior.

 

I've yet to meet a woman who didn't demonize an ex or a guy she was planing on dumping & later find out it was mostly BS or their poor behavior that made the guy act that way.

 

My ex-wife called me controlling because I wouldn't let her talk to her BF.

 

Like i said, it sounds like she is just looking for an excuse to break up with the guy & this was it.

[phineas]

If so, then I'd say he is too. I would never expect someone with a spare key to be at my beck and call. To me, that's a red flag for someone who thinks the world revolves around him.

 

OP's story is a red flag.

It isn't believable. All of a sudden this guy just snaps? Her GF kidnaped her? Really?

I don't see how you can take her word on the man also.

sounds to me like she wanted to break up & is using this as an excuse.

 

That could just mean she likes having sex with you and that she isn't meant for committed relationships, possibly nothing more and nothing less than that.

 

I was with her for 7 yrs believe me, I know when she isn't happy.

 

Also, I could honestly care less what it meant.

All I know is she went home to kiss him after swallowing my protein Slurpee.

Vengeance on the OM was mine that day!!!

[dasein]

Like i said, it sounds like she is just looking for an excuse to break up with the guy & this was it.

 

That's not an unreasonable inference based on how the OP was structured and subsequent replies, not sure of it, but it isn't unreasonable. I also get raised hackles at the "free spirit" claim, as like you, have heard and experienced what that usually means in reality many times, self and through friends. "Free spirit" usually means "I have no obligations to you, but you have many to me." Sorry if that's mispainting OP, but it explains the nature of some replies including mine. Whether OP is really like that or not, some of the language, "don't own me," etc., makes experienced men who have been around the block go "there's another one!"

 

The main thing to me, though, is the guy did overreact, but it's as if OP was setting things up that way to elicit that kind of reaction from him for reasons we don't know but can guess at.

[phineas]

That's not an unreasonable inference based on how the OP was structured and subsequent replies, not sure of it, but it isn't unreasonable. I also get raised hackles at the "free spirit" claim, as like you, have heard and experienced what that usually means in reality many times, self and through friends. "Free spirit" usually means "I have no obligations to you, but you have many to me." Sorry if that's mispainting OP, but it explains the nature of some replies including mine. Whether OP is really like that or not, some of the language, "don't own me," etc., makes experienced men who have been around the block go "there's another one!"

 

The main thing to me, though, is the guy did overreact, but it's as if OP was setting things up that way to elicit that kind of reaction from him for reasons we don't know but can guess at.

 

If their "relationship" was as casual as she claims, yes he did over-react, but, do you give your keys to a woman you are not serious with?

 

You can claim it's a "spare" key all you want but you are giving someone 24/7 access to your home.

Not something most people offer or accept lightly.

 

something just seems off about this whole topic to me.

[rocketman122]

OP, I dont believe a single word you say and I believe youre a liar in every respect. you have no credibility in my eyes. you go ahead and break up with him because he needs someone more considerate than you.

 

1-youre impulsive and childish if someone tells you "get in" and you take a trip. if you were so excited you should have called him to share your excitment with him.

 

2-you are irresponsible and I would throw you before you even knew what happen. just the way youre replying to people here tells me everything about you and how you had an attitude when you told him at first. if you were considerate you would have stayed calm and have been reasonable but im certain you made things worse. you would have acted the EXACT same way if it was the other way around. I think youre lying about how he truly reacted. youre just looking for support from people to your side.

 

3-yes, you disrespected him and I can tell youre very young just by what your write and how you react. you have much to learn in life.

 

4-he doesnt own me. pfff. thats says it all about your attitude. he will be better off without you. casual my azz. I dont believe you for a millisecond.

 

 

Are you basing this on what women tell you, or on what men tell you? Because in my experience, lots of men love acting like their girls bust their balls on a daily basis, even when it isn't remotely true. Because in my real life, I've never known a woman who needs to know where her man is 24/7, nor have I met a man that would be upset to find out his GF made last-minute plans but didn't tell him for one whole hour.

 

a road trip? not even. my GF gives me hell if after a heavy leg workout I fall asleep from exhaustion without talking to her. sometimes I dont hear the phone ring because im so tired. And I love that about her, why? because she cares. I dont have set days for the gym but when I go, I tell her. I tell her if Im going to visit friends and she tells me. I see nothing wrong with that. no need to keep things like these a secret.

 

and yes, I would be upset if my GF jumped in a car and went on trip because some bimbo girl told her "jump in" I expect her to be more responsible and be in contact with me. men and women are the same way. thats how it is when you date seriously. in fact I want to make sure she knows where I am, and what im doing and she loves it. because I want to share everything of my life with her.

[maybealone]

If their "relationship" was as casual as she claims, yes he did over-react, but, do you give your keys to a woman you are not serious with?

 

She said they were friends before they started dating. Perhaps she was his go-to cat sitter before they started dating too.

 

thats how it is when you date seriously.

 

Absolutely, but dating about once a week is not seriously dating to me.

[snowflakes88]

men and women are the same way. thats how it is when you date seriously. in fact I want to make sure she knows where I am, and what im doing and she loves it. because I want to share everything of my life with her.

 

Just because you are this way doesn't mean everybody is. I find it extremely annoying when someone calls or texts to tell me their every move and everything they are doing throughout the day. I would never want to date or be in a relationship with a man who felt compelled to do that, or with one who would expect me to do it. It may work for you and your gf, and that's great - but everyone is not this way.

 

A lot of the male responses in this thread are ridiculous, IMO. If I'm dating someone casually and feel like spending the day with my girlfriend, I am not about to call him for approval. If I happen not to tell him until we're already gone - so what?? I wouldn't care if he did the same. There is nothing disrespectful about spending the day with your friend, whether you notified me immediately or not. Geez. And if he gave her the key even though they are not in a relationship, that was his dumb decision. Glad you returned it, OP.

[paintedtree]

MaybeAlone and Snowflakes88: Thank you both sincerely!

 

I have to say, I am really shocked by some of the comments that this situation has brought out. In my opinion... a few of these guys posting just don't like a woman with an opinion (or maybe they just don't like an independent woman... oh there's me being a "bitchy" girl again). I really have nothing more to address, except that I would never date a guy who has such ugly things to say about ANY woman. Cheating ex or not. Talk about villainizing someone.

 

Dasein: I appreciate that at least you pointed out that you don't know if any of the speculations you've made are true or not. Everyone is entitled to their opinion, I just don't like how other people here have made their opinion gospel truth. It's funny, really.

 

Lastly, yes, being friends first meant I was his go-to cat feeder.

 

Anyway, I appreciate the responses, as always. Even the ones with rude comments -- the laughter has been great.

[rocketman122]

MaybeAlone and Snowflakes88: Thank you both sincerely!

 

I have to say, I am really shocked by some of the comments that this situation has brought out. In my opinion... a few of these guys posting just don't like a woman with an opinion (or maybe they just don't like an independent woman... oh there's me being a "bitchy" girl again). I really have nothing more to address, except that I would never date a guy who has such ugly things to say about ANY woman. Cheating ex or not. Talk about villainizing someone.

 

Dasein: I appreciate that at least you pointed out that you don't know if any of the speculations you've made are true or not. Everyone is entitled to their opinion, I just don't like how other people here have made their opinion gospel truth. It's funny, really.

 

Lastly, yes, being friends first meant I was his go-to cat feeder.

 

Anyway, I appreciate the responses, as always. Even the ones with rude comments -- the laughter has been great.[/QUOTE]

 

the last laugh is on you.

[snowflakes88]

MaybeAlone and Snowflakes88: Thank you both sincerely!

 

I have to say, I am really shocked by some of the comments that this situation has brought out. In my opinion... a few of these guys posting just don't like a woman with an opinion (or maybe they just don't like an independent woman... oh there's me being a "bitchy" girl again). I really have nothing more to address, except that I would never date a guy who has such ugly things to say about ANY woman. Cheating ex or not. Talk about villainizing someone.

 

Dasein: I appreciate that at least you pointed out that you don't know if any of the speculations you've made are true or not. Everyone is entitled to their opinion, I just don't like how other people here have made their opinion gospel truth. It's funny, really.

 

Lastly, yes, being friends first meant I was his go-to cat feeder.

 

Anyway, I appreciate the responses, as always. Even the ones with rude comments -- the laughter has been great.

 

I really think - HOPE - that it all comes down to preferences. I think one man posted that his gf gets very sad if he passes out after the gym and doesn't call right away. That's fine, I suppose... but I'm just not that kind of girl. Never have been. I'd be fundamentally incompatible with someone who expected that sort of checking in, and I've ended things with a few guys after a series of dates for that very reason. I don't think expecting constant contact makes you wrong, necessarily - just wrong for ME.

 

Many people cannot grasp the concept of agreeing to disagree, or accepting that their preferences are not universal, however.

[paintedtree]

I really think - HOPE - that it all comes down to preferences. I think one man posted that his gf gets very sad if he passes out after the gym and doesn't call right away. That's fine, I suppose... but I'm just not that kind of girl. Never have been. I'd be fundamentally incompatible with someone who expected that sort of checking in, and I've ended things with a few guys after a series of dates for that very reason. I don't think expecting constant contact makes you wrong, necessarily - just wrong for ME.

 

Many people cannot grasp the concept of agreeing to disagree, or accepting that their preferences are not universal, however.

 

Yes! I agree 100%... I could never be compatible with anyone who needed constant check-ins or communication. I'm glad it works for some people and they are happy with it. But not me! I would wither up in a relationship like that.

 

I really appreciate everything you've said, btw (MaybeAlone, too). You both have reinforced my feelings about this. Sometimes it's so easy to doubt yourself (for me, anyway), especially when the other person in the relationship is pushing back so severely and telling you all these negative things about yourself!

 

Aaaanyway... Happy holidays.