Am I disrespectful or is he possessive?

[paintedtree]

Okay so... dating this guy, we will call him Tom. We've been friends for a while, too. My best GIRLfriend unexpectedly flew into town, all the way from across the country. She surprised me by showing up at my door and saying "get in the car!"

 

So of course I did, and we took a road trip. Tom was at work.

 

Well, about an hour into the trip, I check my cell phone... and I have a few messages from him, saying he has locked himself out of his house and he needs to pick up the spare key (which I have to feed his cat when he is out of town).

 

I text back, so sorry, I am out of town. Lindsay surprised me, and we are on a road trip, I am really excited, etc. Can you call your mother, who also has a spare... or your landlord. Or a locksmith.

 

He got angry and refused to talk to me for the remainder of the day. As of today, he said I am extremely disrespectful for not letting him know the *minute* I was going out of town, that I was leaving. He said he shouldn't even have to ask for such basic consideration.

 

My sticking points are... 1.) He doesn't own me. 2.) He and I had NO plans that I was breaking. 3.) It was a surprise, and I texted him as soon as it crossed my mind. Obviously I was already pretty far out of town at that point, or I would have come let him into his apartment... but I was excited to be with my best friend, who I haven't seen in a year, and sorry... he wasn't first on my mind. Nor would I care if the positions were reversed.

 

So, now he is "mad" at me, for being so inconsiderate. Am I terribly disrespectful as he says? Or is he acting possessive?

[KraftDinner]

The answer hinges on this: how long were you going to be out of town?

[paintedtree]

The answer hinges on this: how long were you going to be out of town?

 

I was back before 9PM that evening.

 

As an edit, we do not live together.

Edited December 21, 2012 by paintedtree

[plainjane79]

How long have you guys been dating?

My first inclination is to say he has a right to be annoyed (though not ridiculously upset or belligerent.) He has no right to tell you you can or can't go, but it'd be nice to know that your significant other thinks of you first, when she's heading out of town for what's essentially a "girl's trip."

 

But my answer would also vary based on how long you've been dating (not how long you've known each other), how long you intended to be out of town, and where you were headed.

 

But I'm also not a very spontaneous or particularly social person so my significant other (when I have one) is often the first person I think of sharing with when I'm doing something fun and unusual, for better or for worse. And I'm not usually doing much fun and unusual.

[phineas]

I don't any guys including myself whose GF would be ok if we just hopped in a car & took a day trip without even bothering to tell them.

 

And LOL at the "you don't own me" 9/10 when a woman feels the need to say that then she KNOWS she is being disrespectful & just looking for someone to tell her otherwise.

[KungFuJoe]

He's off his rocker. You guys are just dating and don't even live together. If I was just dating a girl and she decided to take a last minute vegas trip with friends I would tell her to have fun. If you're going to stay overnight somewhere, let me know. If you're just going out for the day and we don't already have plans, do your thang.

[todreaminblue]

Okay so... dating this guy, we will call him Tom. We've been friends for a while, too. My best GIRLfriend unexpectedly flew into town, all the way from across the country. She surprised me by showing up at my door and saying "get in the car!"

 

So of course I did, and we took a road trip. Tom was at work.

 

Well, about an hour into the trip, I check my cell phone... and I have a few messages from him, saying he has locked himself out of his house and he needs to pick up the spare key (which I have to feed his cat when he is out of town).

 

I text back, so sorry, I am out of town. Lindsay surprised me, and we are on a road trip, I am really excited, etc. Can you call your mother, who also has a spare... or your landlord. Or a locksmith.

 

He got angry and refused to talk to me for the remainder of the day. As of today, he said I am extremely disrespectful for not letting him know the *minute* I was going out of town, that I was leaving. He said he shouldn't even have to ask for such basic consideration.

 

My sticking points are... 1.) He doesn't own me. 2.) He and I had NO plans that I was breaking. 3.) It was a surprise, and I texted him as soon as it crossed my mind. Obviously I was already pretty far out of town at that point, or I would have come let him into his apartment... but I was excited to be with my best friend, who I haven't seen in a year, and sorry... he wasn't first on my mind. Nor would I care if the positions were reversed.

 

So, now he is "mad" at me, for being so inconsiderate. Am I terribly disrespectful as he says? Or is he acting possessive?

 

 

Havent read the other responses to this thread so i will tell you unbiasedly in my opinion, that you were inconsiderate.......you might not have made plans with him but letting someone know is a base consideration if you are dating them....you mentioned you feed his cat if he goes out of town what if he had to go out fo town ......unexpectedly...you said he wasnt first on your mind.......he hsould have ranked up there honestly maybe i am old fashioned that way....i woudl get upset if i didnt get thought of when soemone i dated when out fo town its a kin to inconsiderate behavior......being impulsive is fine...i still let people know who care about me where i am going and when ill be back then i turn my phone off........otherwise they would probably call the cops.......because ti is extremely nto me to eb otherwise....so that way if soemthing does ever happen to m e....they know if they dont know where i am ...its bad........

 

 

what you did was thought...less...thoughtless towards the guy you are dating.....i feel thoughtless behavior is disheartening tot he person nto bei9ng thought of....and disrespectful...he might not own you ....true....consideration comes not from ownership but thoughtful behavior does come from caring that another might worry over where you are or be upset not to be notified...impulsive is a part of life...on the fly i call it...doesnt mean you have to be inconsiderate.....i t makes it more fun when you dont have to worry about the people behind you worrying where you are or being upset......best wishes to you....and i do see why your boyfriend was upset......deb

[KraftDinner]

So you didn't even go overnight, you don't live together and you didn't have plans with him?

 

What you did was fine.

[paintedtree]

I don't any guys including myself whose GF would be ok if we just hopped in a car & took a day trip without even bothering to tell them.

 

And LOL at the "you don't own me" 9/10 when a woman feels the need to say that then she KNOWS she is being disrespectful & just looking for someone to tell her otherwise.

 

Phineas... first off, if you'd read the entire post, I would have no issues if positions were reversed. Secondly, I don't think I was disrespectful. Hence why I am here asking. Thirdly, I DID tell him. Just not soon enough by his standards. Fourthly, he is not my "BF". We are dating.

[Mrlonelyone]

Your just dating and don't live together. There is no reason for him to rely on you for letting him into the house. He can be understandably annoyed. He should not be really angry over it.

 

If he is very angry over it that's a bad sign.

[paintedtree]

He's off his rocker. You guys are just dating and don't even live together. If I was just dating a girl and she decided to take a last minute vegas trip with friends I would tell her to have fun. If you're going to stay overnight somewhere, let me know. If you're just going out for the day and we don't already have plans, do your thang.

 

This is exactly where I came down on the issue, too. I mean, I told him I was out of town... just not quickly enough for him. Though, as I explained to him, too... I texted him as soon as I realized she was surprising me with a road trip. Plus, I agree, in relationships... just do your thang, haha. It's about WANTING to come back to that person, not feeling forced to.

 

Thank you for your input.

[paintedtree]

Havent read the other responses to this thread so i will tell you unbiasedly in my opinion, that you were inconsiderate.......you might not have made plans with him but letting someone know is a base consideration if you are dating them....you mentioned you feed his cat if he goes out of town what if he had to go out fo town ......unexpectedly...you said he wasnt first on your mind.......he hsould have ranked up there honestly maybe i am old fashioned that way....i woudl get upset if i didnt get thought of when soemone i dated when out fo town its a kin to inconsiderate behavior......being impulsive is fine...i still let people know who care about me where i am going and when ill be back then i turn my phone off........otherwise they would probably call the cops.......because ti is extremely nto me to eb otherwise....so that way if soemthing does ever happen to m e....they know if they dont know where i am ...its bad........

 

 

what you did was thought...less...thoughtless towards the guy you are dating.....i feel thoughtless behavior is disheartening tot he person nto bei9ng thought of....and disrespectful...he might not own you ....true....consideration comes not from ownership but thoughtful behavior does come from caring that another might worry over where you are or be upset not to be notified...impulsive is a part of life...on the fly i call it...doesnt mean you have to be inconsiderate.....i t makes it more fun when you dont have to worry about the people behind you worrying where you are or being upset......best wishes to you....and i do see why your boyfriend was upset......deb

 

 

I appreciate the input, thank you. I have to say though, if I had to constantly alert my loved ones when I was turning off my phone or going somewhere... I'd probably end up in the mad house. Maybe what this boils down to is two very different people.

[paintedtree]

Your just dating and don't live together. There is no reason for him to rely on you for letting him into the house. He can be understandably annoyed. He should not be really angry over it.

 

If he is very angry over it that's a bad sign.

 

I agree with this, too. The annoyance I can certainly understand, but the anger and verbally lashing out is another. Perhaps that's the most important aspect!

[todreaminblue]

I appreciate the input, thank you. I have to say though, if I had to constantly alert my loved ones when I was turning off my phone or going somewhere... I'd probably end up in the mad house. Maybe what this boils down to is two very different people.

 

 

welcome to the land of deb.....i have to consider others....as they do worry about me ...and i am vigilant in this respect its th eonly thing i can do to not be ocd about others...is just to say hey going here be back then have a great day to me five seconds to write that...five seconds out of my day today......and any other day i do it...i was late home from gym a couple ofweeks ago.....i was actually in the gym at a demonstration with this german machine that you can actually make rice flour and cook and blend and chop....absolute awesomeness at 2500 or something like that..........they obviously forgot i was going to that i did tell them with one hour passed i had people looking for me ......i dont like that....

 

 

but i am accident prone and have a rough history i guess quite a few accidents alot of near misses....i am blessed to have people that care that much about me.....so i try to care for them as much ...dont think i ever can..but consideration is water off a ducks back to me...it doesn thelp i am a bit of a loner....i do a lot by myself..as long as i tell people i dont have a missing person report filed and have to correct that.......i am an extreme case...who because of that, is extremely considerate.....otherwise.....if i didnt ...that would drive me crazy....hugs....deb

[maybealone]

I don't any guys including myself whose GF would be ok if we just hopped in a car & took a day trip without even bothering to tell them.

 

Seriously? What is the purpose of telling someone beforehand and not one hour into the trip -- to give them veto power? So they can tell you that you cannot go? And what if it was a daylong shopping trip in-town, do the same rules apply? How long does a trip have to be to qualify for an instant phone call and not one an hour down the road?

 

Obviously, I just don't get this. If plans have not been made and there are no other responsibilities such as kids to pick up, I don't see why this would be an issue.

[veggirl]

He needs to chill the eff out. What a whiney cry baby! You have to inform him the second you leave your house? Obviously this was not something that normally occurs...long distance friend popping in..that's fun and exciting, no you don't need to be alert the guy you are dating immediately ffs how are people defending this tool?!?!

[phineas]

Seriously? What is the purpose of telling someone beforehand and not one hour into the trip -- to give them veto power? So they can tell you that you cannot go? And what if it was a daylong shopping trip in-town, do the same rules apply? How long does a trip have to be to qualify for an instant phone call and not one an hour down the road?

 

Obviously, I just don't get this. If plans have not been made and there are no other responsibilities such as kids to pick up, I don't see why this would be an issue.

 

Hey, I didn't make the rule up.

I'm just telling you women in relationships for the most part get pissy if their man aint where they think he is.

 

you don't believe me, hop in the car with the boys & not notify her until she starts looking for you.

 

Trust me on this. No woman i've ever known in person would be cool with this & I work with a lot of women & i've seen this scenero play out many times.

 

However, when the women do it, they act just like the OP does.

[phineas]

He needs to chill the eff out. What a whiney cry baby! You have to inform him the second you leave your house? Obviously this was not something that normally occurs...long distance friend popping in..that's fun and exciting, no you don't need to be alert the guy you are dating immediately ffs how are people defending this tool?!?!

 

I'm fairly certain being locked out of his house added to his anxiety level & i'm willing to bet the OP copped an attitude with him also hence why she made this thread looking for people to tell her she is right & he is wrong.

 

Honestly, if the dude really acted as harshly as she claimed & she is as innocent as she makes herself out to be she'd of just dumped him instead of coming to LS and asking what to do.

 

But let's think about this.

Her "good friend" drives into town & instead of calling her, just shows up at her door &luckily catches her at home, upon which she "drags" her out of the house for a day trip with no notice.

 

If one of my friends did that even when I was in my early 20's i'd probably slam the door on his fool ass & carry on with my planned day.

[paintedtree]

I'm fairly certain being locked out of his house added to his anxiety level & i'm willing to bet the OP copped an attitude with him also hence why she made this thread looking for people to tell her she is right & he is wrong.

 

Honestly, if the dude really acted as harshly as she claimed & she is as innocent as she makes herself out to be she'd of just dumped him instead of coming to LS and asking what to do.

 

But let's think about this.

Her "good friend" drives into town & instead of calling her, just shows up at her door &luckily catches her at home, upon which she "drags" her out of the house for a day trip with no notice.

 

If one of my friends did that even when I was in my early 20's i'd probably slam the door on his fool ass & carry on with my planned day.

 

 

Actually, the thought was that I am going to dump him. But I wanted to hear other's opinions before I made a potentially foolhardy choice. Secondly, I never said I was innocent in this -- that is your perception, and I can't do a damn thing about that. My conclusion is that I am too free spirited for this particular person, and it would only end up driving us both crazy.

 

Also, I'm not the keeper of a 37 year old man. If he locks himself out of his house, in my opinion, that's not MY problem. I wouldn't contact him if I locked myself out of my house. I'd call a locksmith. I'd take responsibility.

 

Lastly, you assume quite a lot. To say the very least, you are wrong about a lot of the factors you made up in your head.

[paintedtree]

He needs to chill the eff out. What a whiney cry baby! You have to inform him the second you leave your house? Obviously this was not something that normally occurs...long distance friend popping in..that's fun and exciting, no you don't need to be alert the guy you are dating immediately ffs how are people defending this tool?!?!

 

Thank you for this. I felt much the same way... that it was fun, spontaneous, and exciting. I don't feel I have to alert the press every time I go out of my house. Though he later said he "expects" me to stay home and work (I work at home), so he was upset I wasn't doing as he expected.

[paintedtree]

Seriously? What is the purpose of telling someone beforehand and not one hour into the trip -- to give them veto power? So they can tell you that you cannot go? And what if it was a daylong shopping trip in-town, do the same rules apply? How long does a trip have to be to qualify for an instant phone call and not one an hour down the road?

 

Obviously, I just don't get this. If plans have not been made and there are no other responsibilities such as kids to pick up, I don't see why this would be an issue.

 

I was wondering the same thing. When do I have to notify versus not? If leaving for the grocery store? Going shopping with girlfriends for a few hours? Going over to a friend's house?

 

We had no plans... so I didn't see what the issue was. If I lived with him, okay. Coming home to an empty house would be scary and awkward. But I see him like once every week, since we are both busy people.

[FitChick]

Return his key.

[paintedtree]

Return his key.

 

Yeah, agreed. I did that as soon as I got into town that night.

[maybealone]

you don't believe me, hop in the car with the boys & not notify her until she starts looking for you.

 

Trust me on this. No woman i've ever known in person would be cool with this & I work with a lot of women & i've seen this scenero play out many times.

 

However, when the women do it, they act just like the OP does.

 

Are you basing this on what women tell you, or on what men tell you? Because in my experience, lots of men love acting like their girls bust their balls on a daily basis, even when it isn't remotely true. Because in my real life, I've never known a woman who needs to know where her man is 24/7, nor have I met a man that would be upset to find out his GF made last-minute plans but didn't tell him for one whole hour.

 

Though he later said he "expects" me to stay home and work (I work at home), so he was upset I wasn't doing as he expected.

 

Ah, that could be part of the explanation: Jealousy of your work freedom.

 

Also, I'm not the keeper of a 37 year old man. If he locks himself out of his house, in my opinion, that's not MY problem.

 

Sing it, sister.

[ja123]

The fact that he wasn't at all on your mind speaks volumes.

Edited December 22, 2012 by ja123