Author MrCastle Posted December 22, 2012 Author Posted December 22, 2012 I really doubt it, being smart only does so much in a relationship. It's something you can only learn with experience, and the older you get the more you are expected to know. A 20 year old with no dating experience is fine, a 30 year old is going to have some issues with it. A lot of people aren't willing to teach people or put up with people who don't know what they are doing. Being in your first relationship is a humbling experience, you learn a lot. There really isn't much to learn. The chemistry between you and the girl will dictate how things go. It's work in the sense that you have to compromise on certain things, and you have to be committed, remain faithful, and put in the effort for it to work, but I don't think it takes experience to know how to do that. That's more so personality trait related than experience related. Some people here have been in 10, 15, 20 relationships that all failed because they have serious character flaws that prevented them from making the relationship work.
SJC2008 Posted December 22, 2012 Posted December 22, 2012 I don't think it matters, not for me anyway. I never tried to get a girlfriend and I had a life. My life is too busy now, even to date really but I still try. I was always doing things, clubs bars. Went fishing, rode my dirt bike. I had a life and it didn't make a difference. I've been trying to get a gf for about 2 years now and have failed. I blame it on learning and OLD.
truth_prevails Posted December 22, 2012 Posted December 22, 2012 Sounds like you found what works for you. I think everybody's circumstances are different though. It's like a shoe salesman who says, for years I tried to work on my pitch and nothing ever worked, until I decided to find better shoes to sell. Sounds obvious, but I'm sure there's plenty of people who'll tell you the secret is this or that, and really they just found thing that works for them. Lots of guys will tell you persistence is key and, well, there's truth to that too.
suladas Posted December 22, 2012 Posted December 22, 2012 There really isn't much to learn. The chemistry between you and the girl will dictate how things go. It's work in the sense that you have to compromise on certain things, and you have to be committed, remain faithful, and put in the effort for it to work, but I don't think it takes experience to know how to do that. That's more so personality trait related than experience related. Some people here have been in 10, 15, 20 relationships that all failed because they have serious character flaws that prevented them from making the relationship work. There is so much more to it then that, those are simple things. I have learned a ton and I know I still have a ton to learn. You may be born knowing how to do many things but not relationships. 1
KungFuJoe Posted December 22, 2012 Posted December 22, 2012 You don't need experience to have a good relationship. Did you need experience to have a good friend? Relationships are human instinct. We are, by nature, social creatures. That being said, experience CAN help, but by no means is it a requirement to be in a good one. I had ONE serious relationship before I met my wife and got married. Everyone else in between was just long term dating or purely casual. 1
KungFuJoe Posted December 22, 2012 Posted December 22, 2012 A good relationship will be the easiest thing you ever do in your life. If you have to "work" at your relationship, you're doing it wrong. 1
Els Posted December 22, 2012 Posted December 22, 2012 I believe that maturity and brains can cover up lack of experience. I feel I'm at a point where I "get it". I'm not afraid of not having relationship experience. I'll learn on the fly. Relationship experience really does help. Of course, personality traits and compatibility are absolutely necessary, but experience helps more than you think it would. Very, very few people are able to make their first relationship ever a successful one, if they have only had FWBs before. This is because like anything else in life, you often learn from mistakes. You learn about yourself, what you need in a partner and from a relationship, what you are willing to put in, to what degree, how to resolve conflicts, how to deal with relationship problems (because there WILL be some), etc. I'm not in any way trying to convince you to be in a relationship at this point, because that would be unfair to you and the girl you're with. All I'm saying is, don't expect to go through FWBs and then have a happy and long-term successful marriage within a couple years after you decide to settle down. It doesn't usually work like that.
Els Posted December 22, 2012 Posted December 22, 2012 You don't need experience to have a good relationship. Did you need experience to have a good friend? Relationships are human instinct. We are, by nature, social creatures. That being said, experience CAN help, but by no means is it a requirement to be in a good one. I had ONE serious relationship before I met my wife and got married. Everyone else in between was just long term dating or purely casual. But long-term dating and a serious relationship (presumably lasting a few years) IS experience.
Author MrCastle Posted December 22, 2012 Author Posted December 22, 2012 Relationship experience really does help. Of course, personality traits and compatibility are absolutely necessary, but experience helps more than you think it would. Very, very few people are able to make their first relationship ever a successful one, if they have only had FWBs before. This is because like anything else in life, you often learn from mistakes. You learn about yourself, what you need in a partner and from a relationship, what you are willing to put in, to what degree, how to resolve conflicts, how to deal with relationship problems (because there WILL be some), etc. I'm not in any way trying to convince you to be in a relationship at this point, because that would be unfair to you and the girl you're with. All I'm saying is, don't expect to go through FWBs and then have a happy and long-term successful marriage within a couple years after you decide to settle down. It doesn't usually work like that. I mean, really though, what other option do I have? I want to fool around right now and not get serious with anyone. At the same time, I assume when I'm older or when the right one comes into play, I'm gonna wanna settle down. Should I, right now, just have a string of relationships to get some experience points in? Of course not. Like you said, wouldn't be fair to me or the lady in question; and I'm not in the business of breaking hearts. So it has to be this way because there's no other way for it to go. I have to have short term hookups now and then enter a relationship when I'm ready.
Els Posted December 22, 2012 Posted December 22, 2012 I mean, really though, what other option do I have? I want to fool around right now and not get serious with anyone. At the same time, I assume when I'm older or when the right one comes into play, I'm gonna wanna settle down. Should I, right now, just have a string of relationships to get some experience points in? Of course not. Like you said, wouldn't be fair to me or the lady in question; and I'm not in the business of breaking hearts. So it has to be this way because there's no other way for it to go. I have to have short term hookups now and then enter a relationship when I'm ready. You can absolutely sleep around now and start having relationships later. All I'm saying is, don't give yourself a timeline on the settling down bit. It happens when it happens, and it will more than likely take some time.
Eternal Sunshine Posted December 22, 2012 Posted December 22, 2012 meh this is not true for me at all and for most girls I know. Every girl friend of mine that hasn't put any effort into dating is single and not meeting anyone. Might be our demographics. Exactly. It's opposite for me. The periods of life where I didn't pay attention to dating, are the periods where I got least dates. It never happens when I least expect it or when I am doing something else. For me to get many dates (apart from OLD) I have to do the following: -Accept any social social invitation that comes my way, even when I am dead tired and don't feel like going out at all -Look well groomed and dressed to the nines -Be outgoing, engaging and smiley My natural self? I would go to work (no single men there), get home, watch movies with my cat and go for solitary walks/runs. Never met anyone like that. I would probably go years without having a date. It's like when I go to the bar with friends. If I am not looking to pick up, I will just talk to my friends, oblivious to my surroundings and I will probably get approached by a couple of drunks. If I am looking to pick up, I will notice men checking me out, return eye contact, perhaps smile at them and 5 will approach and ask for my number. The more desperate I am, the harder I try and the more dates I get. Frankly, it's exhausting and I can't do it anymore. 1
Author MrCastle Posted December 22, 2012 Author Posted December 22, 2012 Exactly. It's opposite for me. The periods of life where I didn't pay attention to dating, are the periods where I got least dates. It never happens when I least expect it or when I am doing something else. For me to get many dates (apart from OLD) I have to do the following: -Accept any social social invitation that comes my way, even when I am dead tired and don't feel like going out at all -Look well groomed and dressed to the nines -Be outgoing, engaging and smiley My natural self? I would go to work (no single men there), get home, watch movies with my cat and go for solitary walks/runs. Never met anyone like that. I would probably go years without having a date. It's like when I go to the bar with friends. If I am not looking to pick up, I will just talk to my friends, oblivious to my surroundings and I will probably get approached by a couple of drunks. If I am looking to pick up, I will notice men checking me out, return eye contact, perhaps smile at them and 5 will approach and ask for my number. The more desperate I am, the harder I try and the more dates I get. Frankly, it's exhausting and I can't do it anymore. Maybe it's different for gender? Didn't even think of this. Maybe men and women react to non-chalant attitudes differently? Maybe men see a woman who's not trying and think "she probably has a boyfriend, next" And women see a man who doesn't try and think "boy he must be so interesting and cool to not be phased by women"
Lonely Ronin Posted December 22, 2012 Posted December 22, 2012 Maybe men see a woman who's not trying and think "she probably has a boyfriend, next" I usually think this, or that she's not interested in me. 1
Pyro Posted December 22, 2012 Posted December 22, 2012 You don't need experience to have a good relationship. Did you need experience to have a good friend? Relationships are human instinct. We are, by nature, social creatures. That being said, experience CAN help, but by no means is it a requirement to be in a good one. I had ONE serious relationship before I met my wife and got married. Everyone else in between was just long term dating or purely casual. Unless you meet your exact match then yes you do need experience for a good relationship. Some people do get lucky and marry their high school sweetheart but that is becoming more rare IMO. My first real relationship was a disaster. It brought the worst out of me but without that experience I would have never learned to be a stronger person and after that each of my relationships improved. 1
CptObvious Posted December 22, 2012 Posted December 22, 2012 the ones who actually have to try hard are unattractive one way or another and they don't understand how to win.
Els Posted December 22, 2012 Posted December 22, 2012 Unless you meet your exact match then yes you do need experience for a good relationship. Some people do get lucky and marry their high school sweetheart but that is becoming more rare IMO. My first real relationship was a disaster. It brought the worst out of me but without that experience I would have never learned to be a stronger person and after that each of my relationships improved. Ditto. I've only had 2 relationships prior to this, and both were more casual (no living together, etc), but I still learnt a lot about myself and what I wanted from a relationship, from them. In fact, I am still learning from this one, and I think me and my bf both are constantly learning and growing. But if it weren't for the other failed ones (on both my side and his), I'm not certain that we would have the self-awareness, knowledge, experience, and maturity to have made this work, especially with all that we had to go through.
GoodOnPaper Posted December 22, 2012 Posted December 22, 2012 A good relationship will be the easiest thing you ever do in your life. If you have to "work" at your relationship, you're doing it wrong. I agree. The relationship stuff is easy. And I thought the "getting experience" part is the casual stuff -- that's what I could never attract anyone for. Do people actually go into relationships for "practice"? How absurd. Of course that would explain some things about the few girls I did manage to date. I have to agree with the OP's premise -- I always tried way too hard, except with my wife. But that's because she was more into me than I was into her.
mesmerized Posted December 22, 2012 Posted December 22, 2012 Exactly. It's opposite for me. The periods of life where I didn't pay attention to dating, are the periods where I got least dates. It never happens when I least expect it or when I am doing something else. For me to get many dates (apart from OLD) I have to do the following: -Accept any social social invitation that comes my way, even when I am dead tired and don't feel like going out at all -Look well groomed and dressed to the nines -Be outgoing, engaging and smiley My natural self? I would go to work (no single men there), get home, watch movies with my cat and go for solitary walks/runs. Never met anyone like that. I would probably go years without having a date. It's like when I go to the bar with friends. If I am not looking to pick up, I will just talk to my friends, oblivious to my surroundings and I will probably get approached by a couple of drunks. If I am looking to pick up, I will notice men checking me out, return eye contact, perhaps smile at them and 5 will approach and ask for my number. The more desperate I am, the harder I try and the more dates I get. Frankly, it's exhausting and I can't do it anymore. Exactly, you said it perfectly. Unless I think of the random street whistles and you look good/hot comments as asking out, I do not get asked out in my day to day life if l don't try at all and just go about my own business. I have been in countries where I was asked out quite a bit without trying at all but in north america it's a totally different story.
Woggle Posted December 22, 2012 Posted December 22, 2012 I noticed this as well. When I focused on my career, hobbies and friends after my divorce suddenly women were very interested in me. I think people can sense when you really have something going for you. 1
Author MrCastle Posted December 22, 2012 Author Posted December 22, 2012 Sounds logical and thought out. People that aren't ready for a relationship shouldn't be in one. Wear protection so that you don't catch anything nasty. Totally! I made a thread a few months back about condom use. The only way I'll have sex. 1
Pyro Posted December 22, 2012 Posted December 22, 2012 Do people actually go into relationships for "practice"? How absurd. Of course that would explain some things about the few girls I did manage to date. No we don't....or at the least I didn't. Chances are though that someones very first (even second or third) committed relationship is going to be trial and error because a lot of things you are experiencing for the first time. Some people get through that and still survive and some are lucky enough to not have to experience it at all. 1
El Brujo Posted December 23, 2012 Posted December 23, 2012 I noticed this as well. When I focused on my career, hobbies and friends after my divorce suddenly women were very interested in me. I think people can sense when you really have something going for you. The fun comes from stringing them along like dangling a carrot in front of a donkey. Watch and see how far they pull that cart before they figure out they'll never catch that carrot.
somedude81 Posted December 23, 2012 Posted December 23, 2012 Agreed, but why is that so different from other aspects of life? If you want to be good at something you weren't naturally good at, you have to eat sleep and breathe it. You have to devise a gameplan of how you're going to acheive your goal, and then execute. You don't stumble into success by ignoring your goal. In dating though, it's different. When I stopped doing things just for the chance to get laid, and instead lived my life for me, I got laid! What is that?? If I wanted a job promotion I certainly couldn't ignore my employee duties to better my chances. That's cause it's something you're naturally good at. Perhaps when you tried, you we're trying too hard and messing things up. I know for sure that if I didn't put any effort into dating nothing at all would evenbe close to happening. It's just not something that happens naturally for me that I can just fall into.
Woggle Posted December 23, 2012 Posted December 23, 2012 The fun comes from stringing them along like dangling a carrot in front of a donkey. Watch and see how far they pull that cart before they figure out they'll never catch that carrot. That doesn't sound like fun to me. I made sure not to do that because I wouldn't want it done to me. I was just concerned with things other than dating until I met somebody who made me want to commit again.
spiderowl Posted December 23, 2012 Posted December 23, 2012 If a guy is totally focused on getting a woman and sex, it really comes across like that to women. For example, his talk will be flirty but he'll be distracted from talk of real substance. He'll be looking her up and down and not listening to what she's saying. She'll be wondering why he's interested in her when they apparently don't share any hobbies or interests (and conclude he just wants sex!). He'll probably forget a few of his manners in his eagerness to get to the goal. Instead of getting to know her, he'll be focusing on getting her alone, talking of sex, and being intense and serious because he's so single minded. Having been the woman who was frequently faced with the guy above, it creeped me out and I avoided them. I wanted to get to know a guy as a friend not have him ogling me the whole time and staring down my cleavage. It feels creepy when someone is trying to get you alone and yet you are pretty damn sure he doesn't want to get private time to talk! Guys with interests who are relaxed feel safer to be with and trust can grow with them. They are also more capable of a two-way conversation and don't try to force it in one direction. Really, there is a huge difference in the kind of relationship you can have with a guy who is not so focused on bedding a girl. 1
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