free_radical Posted December 21, 2012 Posted December 21, 2012 Hello All - I am looking for some help falling in love with my wife again. We've been married 4 years, together about 10, with a 3 year-old. She's an amazing and caring mother, and a selfless person. However, my emotional attraction to her has waned. I don't find her to be an interesting person, I think largely because I don't see her as an equal, physically or mentally. So it limits what we can discuss or do together. In the past I think it was easier to get this stimulation outside the home, but that is harder now with a kid and time with friends being less available. To further complicate matters, I did have a bit of an EA with a work colleague that started about 6 months ago. She was, of course, that mental and physical match that I liked. She moved on to another job a couple months ago and the communication waned. It was not physical but certainly I had imagination of it, and I think she did as well. Now that she is gone it makes the gap with my wife that much more apparent. I'm just not attracted to her mentally and as a result, sexually. The basic suggestion is always "date night" or "spend more time together" or even "talk to her about it", but this is not something that can she can just change. Have others been in this position and found a way to look past or around it?
jwi71 Posted December 21, 2012 Posted December 21, 2012 Hello All - I am looking for some help falling in love with my wife again. We've been married 4 years, together about 10, with a 3 year-old. She's an amazing and caring mother, and a selfless person. However, my emotional attraction to her has waned. I don't find her to be an interesting person, I think largely because I don't see her as an equal, physically or mentally. So it limits what we can discuss or do together. In the past I think it was easier to get this stimulation outside the home, but that is harder now with a kid and time with friends being less available. To further complicate matters, I did have a bit of an EA with a work colleague that started about 6 months ago. She was, of course, that mental and physical match that I liked. She moved on to another job a couple months ago and the communication waned. It was not physical but certainly I had imagination of it, and I think she did as well. Now that she is gone it makes the gap with my wife that much more apparent. I'm just not attracted to her mentally and as a result, sexually. The basic suggestion is always "date night" or "spend more time together" or even "talk to her about it", but this is not something that can she can just change. Have others been in this position and found a way to look past or around it? Your post, rightly or wrongly, strikes me as you blaming her for you not loving her anymore. And, honestly, arrogant. She isn't responsible for YOUR emotions - you are. It isn't HER responsibility to change, its yours seeing as your the one unhappy and cheating. Question: what must SHE change, according to you, for a date night? Why can't YOU make that happen? Question: What can YOU do to change your negative thinking of this? This problem, as I understand from your post, is one of YOUR creation. Its not your W's problem she created - its her problem YOU created. Question: Why did you marry her if she is not your "equal"? I would suggest an IC for yourself. It sounds, to me, as if most of this is in your head and of your creation. Start there. 2
Author free_radical Posted December 21, 2012 Author Posted December 21, 2012 (edited) Hi JW - I think you misunderstand. Not my intention to blame her for this. I am trying to own it and change my thinking. All the questions you raise are the ones I am trying to ask, maybe unclearly. I'm looking for feedback from others who have a similar situation, on how to change my thinking, on how they changed their thinking. You're absolutely right that it is completely in my head. I've actually started IC, but this is another forum for perspective. To your last question, yes, I'm questioning my foundations, so I'm looking for support and guidance there too. Edited December 21, 2012 by free_radical clarity
jwi71 Posted December 21, 2012 Posted December 21, 2012 I think you misunderstand. Not my intention to blame her for this. I am trying to own it and change my thinking. All the questions you raise are the ones I am trying to ask, maybe unclearly. Ah..ok, apologies for misreading. It just struck me as entitled and arrogant and that colored my reply. I'm looking for feedback from others who have a similar situation, on how to change my thinking, on how they changed their thinking. You're absolutely right that it is completely in my head. I've actually started IC, but this is another forum for perspective. The questions you ask are very broad indeed - and that it makes, with the lack of background info, hard to answer or help. Given what you have shared, I would ask why is she now unacceptable when she was once the best thing in your life? What changed? To your last question, yes, I'm questioning my foundations, so I'm looking for support and guidance there too. Keep up at the IC...LS is a value to that.
Author free_radical Posted December 22, 2012 Author Posted December 22, 2012 My point is not to put her down but to describe these differences, which I think have been brought more into focus when contrasted with my former coworker. In re-reading though I can see how it comes off as arrogant. I assume there are others out there who have found themselves in similar situations and can offer guidance. It's worrisome to me to feel this way, and I can't decide if it's an ominous sign for my future or just a temporary diversion which will right itself with the right moves on my part.
standtall Posted December 22, 2012 Posted December 22, 2012 Too bad free radical...you bought the cow and decided to procreate with her. I read your post...nothing in it is divorce worthy. Man up and be the head of the household and stop whining about "you're not happy". Don't be that walk away husband and do the right thing and be responsible for your own happiness.
Scarlett5 Posted December 22, 2012 Posted December 22, 2012 Being unhappy is divorce-worthy. Although it is fair to say that happiness comes from within, so keep up the IC. That may help you to resolve the issues. But, you may find eventually that the relationship has run its course - people change and aren't necessarily going to be compatible forever.
KathyM Posted December 22, 2012 Posted December 22, 2012 Why did you marry her if you were such opposites? And now you brought a child into the marriage also. I know a married couple (friends of ours) who had the same situation as you. Unfortunately, he cheated on his wife with someone he considered his emotional and physical equal, and his wife and kids were dumped so that he could pursue this woman who was "his equal". I think the answer for you is to work on building that bond with your wife on levels that you can connect on, and seek to gain the intellectual stimulation that your wife is not able to fill through means that don't involve other women. Take a class, join a club, go to lectures, or what-have-you where you can get the intellectual stimulation you need that doesn't involve one-on-one interactions with other women.
standtall Posted December 22, 2012 Posted December 22, 2012 Being unhappy is divorce-worthy. Walk away spouse syndrome. This mentality is why the divorce rate is what it is. 2
Mr. Lucky Posted December 22, 2012 Posted December 22, 2012 I don't see her as an equal, physically or mentally. Can you elaborate on the specific reasons for this? Mr. Lucky
xxoo Posted December 23, 2012 Posted December 23, 2012 What made you fall in love with her? What changed? How can you get that back? I agree with standtall about taking responsibility for your own happiness. If you have a good, loving wife, and a child, what is stopping you from being happy? Gratitude is linked to satisfaction. Maybe take some time this holiday season to ponder all the things you have to be grateful for, including your wife.
coffeebean201 Posted December 23, 2012 Posted December 23, 2012 Maybe your wife needs to be encouraged to develop good strong interests, skills and job experience outside the home. So be lovingly supportive, maybe take on more of the household chores....while she works on this. You may be surprised at how sexy and capable she is...with a good support network. 1
BetrayedH Posted December 23, 2012 Posted December 23, 2012 There's a book called, His Needs, Her Needs which I think would be very helpful. It certainly goes beyond date nights. Dr Harley, the author, also deals with infidelity (which you have touched upon) and so it colors much of the book even though it is not the emphasis. Anyone who has been married for the long haul will tell you that they each fell out of love with each other and probably several times throughout the marriage. But two truly committed people will have the internal fortitude to rediscover each other. It takes serious effort and about half of folks just take an easier route, like adultery. These easier routes truly solve nothing (and many times bring tremendous devastation) and even if you get out and with someone that seems a better "match" for you, you'll likely find yourself repeating the pattern because you never learned how to get from those "worse" times to the "better" ones as discussed in your vows. Keep the good woman you have and find out how you get through these times. 4
Scarlett5 Posted December 23, 2012 Posted December 23, 2012 Walk away spouse syndrome. This mentality is why the divorce rate is what it is. I'm a big believer in walking away, yes. But only after you have worked hard on yourself and your relationship and are still unhappy. I don't believe in giving up easily, of course we should try to work things out. But we only get one life and our happiness is extremely important - trying to keep the divorce rate down is not. Having said that, marriage is not something I would ever enter into lightly, so my advice does not come from a careless place.
Scarlett5 Posted December 23, 2012 Posted December 23, 2012 These easier routes truly solve nothing (and many times bring tremendous devastation) and even if you get out and with someone that seems a better "match" for you, you'll likely find yourself repeating the pattern because you never learned how to get from those "worse" times to the "better" ones as discussed in your vows. This is spot on.
standtall Posted December 23, 2012 Posted December 23, 2012 I'm a big believer in walking away, yes. But only after you have worked hard on yourself and your relationship and are still unhappy. I don't believe in giving up easily, of course we should try to work things out. But we only get one life and our happiness is extremely important - trying to keep the divorce rate down is not. Having said that, marriage is not something I would ever enter into lightly, so my advice does not come from a careless place. Again, this mentality is why so many marriages fail. Too bad, cry me a river that someone is not happy. You made the vow, you made the commitment, you made the promise before friends and family...and in some cases God...to make it work, so guess what...you make it work, and happiness will follow. Thank God not everyone has this non-committal attitude or our society would crumble by this fast food, instant gratification, me me me mentality.
Author free_radical Posted December 24, 2012 Author Posted December 24, 2012 Thanks everyone for giving me some things to think about. I don't think it is simply about sex, although my interest in that intimacy with her has waned as a result. As for what changed - I think it is likely the contrast with the former coworker I mentioned. We did a lot of traveling together for various tradeshows so there was plenty of opportunity to get to know each other. She has a chemistry degree and was a track and field athlete in college, she has a spirit of adventure. I liked that we could have intellectual conversations, and push each other on runs, yada yada. Of course, I wondered, what if? I recognize this is all a fantasy. I'm not asking how to leave my wife. But I do want to find a way to recognize how green the grass is on this side. I'll take a look at the book suggested.
CarboniteCammy Posted December 26, 2012 Posted December 26, 2012 Before I got pregnant and had a baby, I was a fit and interesting person LOL I would go on hikes in all terrain in all types of weather. I loved going to concerts and listening to live music. I was very active with the dogs, doing dog sports, etc. I definitely had what you'd call a strong sense of adventure. Now, I work full time, take care of a baby, a dog, my husband, etc. I honestly just think you're bored because you don't have enough responsibility. If you have time to run and travel and still work all day, it's pretty clear who's taking care of the household. Yeah, I'm sure a single, athletic girl who still has time to exercise and doesn't have kids so she can pick up and travel is more interesting then your wife. I think you should be very thankful that she gives you the opportunity to live the life you do. I think you should get a grip. Just my opinion. 2
Mr. Lucky Posted December 26, 2012 Posted December 26, 2012 I don't think it is simply about sex, although my interest in that intimacy with her has waned as a result. As for what changed - I think it is likely the contrast with the former coworker I mentioned. We did a lot of traveling together for various tradeshows so there was plenty of opportunity to get to know each other. She has a chemistry degree and was a track and field athlete in college, she has a spirit of adventure. I liked that we could have intellectual conversations, and push each other on runs, yada yada. Of course, I wondered, what if? You need to look in the mirror and tell yourself that you've engaged in an inappropriate emotional relationship with another woman while your wife was at home taking care of your child and household. And rather than mentally asking your wife why she isn't strong enough to compete, you should be asking yourself why you're weak enough to stray. This isn't about her... Mr. Lucky 1
xxoo Posted December 28, 2012 Posted December 28, 2012 But I do want to find a way to recognize how green the grass is on this side. Well, what did you and your wife share together when courting? Was it intellectual conversation and exercise? If not, what was it? What made you want to be around her at the time? Rediscover that.
AllenMansurian Posted December 31, 2012 Posted December 31, 2012 I also believe that things cant change, only time can change things and situation.
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