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H gone out for a christmas drink with work colleagues

waterwoman

By waterwoman
in Infidelity

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waterwoman Established Member

waterwoman

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And 'she' might be there. OK I know they might run into each other at work all week but that is a different atmosphere. He was quite prepared not to go but I said he should - I can't be a policeman for ever and he has had a hard term and deserves to be able to relax with people who are also his friends. But I feel sick.

 

There has always been lots of social events amongst the teachers and assistants at the school and spouses are rarely invited but this is the first that H has gone to since d-day. I don't doubt that all those meals out and visits to pubs helped to prepare the ground for the affair.

 

Problem is that his affair started at the beginning of Jan when they school opened up after christmas. So the whole area makes me very unhappy. Last christmas and on eldest lad's birthday on 4th Jan H was very distant from us all - I keep getting flashbacks. It actually makes me feel physically ill.

 

I have to get past this barrier - I can't keep H chained to my side.

 

Right now I want to march up to the bar they are all in, buy a pitcher of ice-cold lager and, assuming OW is there, tip it all over her! Wow! It would feel sooooo good. But I won't. Or even better a plateful of curry and rice. Ahhhh...... deep joy!

 

:D

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underwater2010 Established Member

underwater2010

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Very simply, my husband has never worked for a company where the spouse was not invited. I have been the only woman in a group of guys with my husband on numerous occasions. I am sorry. I can only imagine how you would feel right now. Hopefully he will make you feel better with lots of texts and phone calls. Maybe even come home early.

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waterwoman Established Member

waterwoman

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He has been. I jokingly replied 'where are you? Can I join you?' just to test him a little I guess. He replied instantly 'Yes babe, would be great!'. So feel a bit better.

 

After that he's going to have a drink with some other people he worked with before he started teaching - so not expecting him soon. And that is OK. It's only him seeing OW that bothers me. But I can't let it define me - I have never kept him tied to me, don't want to start now.

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nofool4u Established Member

nofool4u

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If I had cheated and thought that it should be acceptable to go out for drinks without my spouse, I'd be expected to be locked out when I got home. That or a frying pan upside the head.

 

What is it about cheaters that think they can do things in an environment more conducive to cheating and expect the person they screwed over to be ok with it?

 

Why are you still with him? I'd serve him up some papers for Christmas.

 

He cheated, his ass should come home after work.

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nofool4u Established Member

nofool4u

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He has been. I jokingly replied 'where are you? Can I join you?' just to test him a little I guess. He replied instantly 'Yes babe, would be great!'. So feel a bit better.

 

I wouldn't have went up there without my wife if I had cheated on her. I'd have asked her to come along first thing.

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Decorative Established Member

Decorative

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It's not about making him chained to you.

 

It's about his choice to place himself in a situation where he comes face to face with the OW- and not too recently after DDay.

 

He has screwed up in going to this event. He doesn't understand what he should be doing- and frankly, it's not your job to tell him. He should be protective of your heart.

 

I would be very disappointed in my spouse if this was what he did.

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JamesM Established Member

JamesM

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Nah, she said to go.

 

But if it were I, then I would give a call and let her know what was going on.

 

WW, don't worry. It will be awkward for then, and I doubt he will pursue her.

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Saba Established Member

Saba

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ww I feel for you. I agree that you can not police him forever however, I think you may have pushed yourself too soon. You will feel more secure over time so there is no reason to rush and make yourself feel sick.

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waterwoman Established Member

waterwoman

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Morning!

 

All is well. He came back a little wobbly on his pins and proceeded to tell me how much he loved me and then fell asleep and snored! She wasn't there.

 

James is right, he asked me if I minded and I said it was ok so all down to me. I can't be always worried.

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Oberfeldwebel Established Member

Oberfeldwebel

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You are correct that you cannot guard him forever, and have to start trusting from some point. It is also good fine to have a drink with colleagues, but he doesn't have to be the life of the party. There is nothing wrong, particularly at Christmas time with you joining the group. Actually, it can be a good thing as you then have a relationship with then as well. It can then be used as a reason for you both to take an early exit to go to dinner and then home. Even if he goes out alone, he can have a pint or two, but then it is time to find reasons to go home and not stay out all night. Best of luck to you and your family.

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waterwoman Established Member

waterwoman

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What, he didn't try to drunkenly have sex with you when he came home???

 

No fair.

 

Nope! He knows better. He waited till the morning ;)

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waterwoman Established Member

waterwoman

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The fact that he went speaks volumes - and not in a good way. I won't even go there.

 

The fact that you told him to go also speaks volumes - have you always been a people pleaser who puts your feelings second?

 

I don't even know what you mean by a 'people pleaser' Alice. It's just one of those meaningless stock phrases. Do I sometimes do things that I don't want to do for the sake of others ? Yes, of course. Don't you? In my view it's called being a grown-up and accepting normal give and take. But in this case I did want him to go - it was something I needed him to do to test myself. Like tearing a plaster off a healed wound - might be painful but has to be done.

 

We don't live our lives in each other's pockets - not going to start now. For example I took off for most of the day with the dog and my camera and walked for miles and miles. Taking pictures of the floods and winter trees - he stayed at home with the children. That is how we do things. We spend plenty of time together but not ALL the time - our issues started when the time we did spend together was so awkward and hostile we both started trying to avoid it as much as possible. We need both - time together and apart. If we can no longer live that way I'd rather be divorced to be brutal.

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waterwoman Established Member

waterwoman

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As far as people pleasing - you said recently you felt guilty and thought you were wrong for asking H to go NC with the OW because she's in a bad way and your husband was making her happy. And then you encourage him to have drinks with OW and their co-workers? This line of thinking is a recipe for disaster. .

 

I see what you mean. But I didn't see that as people pleasing - it was a reaction to having my self-esteem in my boots and questioning every decision I had made. And also to realising that after d-day I was on auto-pilot and not really thinking anything through. What I want is for them to never get close again but I still don't know if my actions were the best ones I could have taken.

 

And I do need to test myself - I need to know that I can cope with H going out alone. I need to test my trust in him. As it happens she wasn't there and it was unlikely that she would be - which is why I said she might be there.

 

You may be right and I know I am making mistakes - but I have never been here before. I am feeling my way. So is H.

 

Thanks for your advice, it is appreciated x

silvermercy Established Member

silvermercy

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OP why the need to test yourself so SOON? It's not even a year if I understand correctly. If I'm not mistaken average minimum time for getting over it is 2 years for most couples and in most of the cases way way more. And even then, it doesn't mean BS have to test themselves like that. IMO, your husband should be the one denying going to such a trigger-related place!!! This is not good. You may not like it but the situation has changed. You say you don't like spending a lot of time together all the time but that's a bit of a problem on its own dont you think? Things should not be that hostile and awkward in the first place I think. Maybe because (unrelated to cheating) you're simply incompatible. So now that the situation has changed, and REQUIRES your husband being under stricter control, what will you do? Since you're not happy with either scenario. I will repeat, the situation has changed and needs some tighter control which you are reluctant to give; in fact you seem more than happy to speed up the process. It just doesn't work this way.

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waterwoman Established Member

waterwoman

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You say you don't like spending a lot of time together all the time but that's a bit of a problem on its own dont you think? Things should not be that hostile and awkward in the first place I think. Maybe because (unrelated to cheating) you're simply incompatible.

 

We've been together nearly 30 yrs one way and another. The hostility and awkwardness was a recent occurence relating to various issues. Which are being addressed. I can't help thinking that incompatibility would have reared it's head a little sooner.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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nofool4u Established Member

nofool4u

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Morning!

 

All is well. He came back a little wobbly on his pins and proceeded to tell me how much he loved me and then fell asleep and snored! She wasn't there.

 

If you feel that to be true, then I'm glad it worked out the way you had hoped.

 

And not trying to stir anything, but I just have a couple of questions.

 

1) what time did he come home?

 

2) how do you know "she" wasn't there other than he told you she wasn't?

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waterwoman Established Member

waterwoman

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2) how do you know "she" wasn't there other than he told you she wasn't?

 

I don't. Of course. How do I know he isn't meeting her for lunch every day. How do I know he isn't telling her loves her and wants to leave me but can't 'for the children'? I don't. But I have faith that isn't the case. I feel it isn't the case. He is spending way too much time, love and energy on me for him to having the sort of relationship he was having with her before d-day.

nofool4u Established Member

nofool4u

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I don't. Of course. How do I know he isn't meeting her for lunch every day. How do I know he isn't telling her loves her and wants to leave me but can't 'for the children'? I don't. But I have faith that isn't the case. I feel it isn't the case. He is spending way too much time, love and energy on me for him to having the sort of relationship he was having with her before d-day.

 

Ok then, I'm happy you are satisfied with the situation.

Decorative Established Member

Decorative

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I don't. Of course. How do I know he isn't meeting her for lunch every day. How do I know he isn't telling her loves her and wants to leave me but can't 'for the children'? I don't. But I have faith that isn't the case. I feel it isn't the case. He is spending way too much time, love and energy on me for him to having the sort of relationship he was having with her before d-day.

 

Some of the most romantic and attentive times my spouse spent on me occurred during the false recovery from his affair. I thought they were over. It had just gone further underground. And eventually- the gaslighting began, but I would have jumped up and down and thrown a fit at the beginning- had anyone tried to tell me he was still in the affair.

 

Be careful. Your description of his behavior does not sound to me like a remorseful spouse who gets it.

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anne1707 Established Member

anne1707

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Your husband shouldn't have gone. You were trying to be a "good wife," not test your trust. It shows that the two of you just don't "get" it, not just him.

 

It also shows that your husband doesn't think like a truly remorseful spouse doing everything he can to better himself. Instead of coming home drunk, his only thoughts should have been these:

 

*I won't go because she may be there and I don't want to be in a social situation with her, especially with everyone drinking. I could cross boundaries and I don't ever want to do that again or risk my marriage. It's not worth it.

 

*I won't go because I don't want my wife to have even the slightest bit of insecurity or wonder. Even though she insists I go. I refuse to put myself in this situation.

 

*I won't go because I am a grown man and there is no need for a grown man to be out getting drunk.

 

*I won't go because (drunk or not), I could cross boundaries with other women who are drunk and I don't want to ever do that again or risk my marriage. It's not worth it.

 

*I won't go because just being in that environment could cause problems and I don't want to ever do that again or risk my marriage. It's not worth it.

 

For a marriage to truly reconcile, there has to come a time when the BS trusts the fWS. If the only way is by the fWS not going anywhere without the BS then it is not a reconciled marriage, it is a prison for both of them.

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Decorative Established Member

Decorative

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For a marriage to truly reconcile, there has to come a time when the BS trusts the fWS. If the only way is by the fWS not going anywhere without the BS then it is not a reconciled marriage, it is a prison for both of them.

 

For sure. Though I don't think blind trust is useful in any marriage, infidelity or not.

 

But the work has to be put in for the betrayed to know the former wayward is worthy.

 

I don't see that in this example.

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anne1707 Established Member

anne1707

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I'm not taking about "anywhere."

I'm talking about going out and getting drunk.

 

Stopping that kind of behavior doesn't constitute being held prisoner. It's common sense and respect.

 

But you did not just mean when drunk:

 

*I won't go because (drunk or not), I could cross boundaries with other women who are drunk and I don't want to ever do that again or risk my marriage. It's not worth it.

 

The fWS living in a perpetual state of guilt will not allow for a healthy marriage

Edited by anne1707
BetrayedH Established Member

BetrayedH

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Instead of coming home drunk, his only thoughts should have been these:

 

*I won't go because she may be there and I don't want to be in a social situation with her, especially with everyone drinking. I could cross boundaries and I don't ever want to do that again or risk my marriage. It's not worth it.

 

*I won't go because I don't want my wife to have even the slightest bit of insecurity or wonder. Even though she insists I go. I refuse to put myself in this situation.

 

*I won't go because I am a grown man and there is no need for a grown man to be out getting drunk.

 

*I won't go because (drunk or not), I could cross boundaries with other women who are drunk and I don't want to ever do that again or risk my marriage. It's not worth it.

 

*I won't go because just being in that environment could cause problems and I don't want to ever do that again or risk my marriage. It's not worth it.

 

Very hard to disagree with this line of reasoning. That said, I think others no more about how to reconcile better than I. I think it's amazingly difficult to determine how and when to trust. If I learned anything, it was to do stuff together whenever possible.

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waterwoman Established Member

waterwoman

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what can I say to that? What reply would convince you? why do I need to convince you? I can' t prove a negAtive.I could only potentiAlly prove that he is still in the affAir but there is no evidence that he is.

anne1707 Established Member

anne1707

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Waterwoman

 

You don't have to prove anything to anybody on LS. What is important is how you feel and what you believe about your H. Some on here will say that a WS can never be trusted again (or should be under lock and key). Others will say they can be trusted again (my H is in this camp, I was a WS). It is what works for you and your H that counts.

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