Jemma Posted August 14, 2004 Posted August 14, 2004 please help everyone. i don't know where to go from here. my husband no longer finds me attractive and no longer wants to be intimate with me. i tried to initiate sex with him several times this month, all to no avail. he constantly pushed me away and told me that he was tired. from what...i don't know. he's currently unemployed and just stays home all day. i have been working my ass off trying to hold our lives together while we are in a scrunch since he was laid off. this isnt current news though...we haven't had sex more than once a month in 5 years (been married for 8). i know that sex does not define a marriage, but the lack of sex is really taking a toll on my self-confidence and causing me to go into deep depression. i've talked to him several times about this but his excuse is that he's just too tired over and over...but he's lying because while i'm at work...he's at home visiting porn sites and downloading movies. i discovered this a few months ago and was very upset. i've tried everything in my power to make him notice me...cut my hair, dress nicer, introduce different sexual activities in lovemaking, but it's not working. we've basically been living together like friends for the past 5 years. i hate it and cannot stand it anymore. i don't want to be with other men. i only want him...when i'm at work i daydream about coming home to him and fantasize about our lovemaking. it hurts me so much that he doesn't feel the same way. when i look at him, i see the man i fell in love with, the man i want to grow old with, the man i want to pounce on and kiss all over when he enters the room. i can't make him love me that way if he doesn't. i've told him that if he doesn't think i am the one for him and will never feel that way about me, i will set him free to find that woman. but he says that i am the one! i dont get it! how can i be the one if he no longer wants to be intimate with me and is unwilling to show me any amount of physical affection. i can't take it anymore. i hate reading all these threads about husbands who can't get any affection out of their wives in bed...and here i am...a wife who wants more than anything...to be with her husband in bed! are there really men who just aren't that interested in sex or would totally prefer masturbation over the real thing? i'm drifting more and more into depression everyday. he won't go to counseling and thinks life is grand just the way it is. please help!
The_Analyzer Posted August 14, 2004 Posted August 14, 2004 I think you may have found why he is acting the way he is. You are out working and trying to hold your lives together and he is at home on the porn. Do a search on porn and find the effects it causes. You'll be amazed. I would also suggest some marriage counseling. If he will not go, then you should go for yourself. I try not to say alot of the subject simply because porn use is a growing problem in the world today for alot of people, and alot of people have different views of it. Good luck.
Samson Posted August 15, 2004 Posted August 15, 2004 Agree with Analyser. Only to add that if you "haven't had sex more than once a month in 5 years (been married for 8)," and haven't gotten any for the past month, I'm not sure how unusual the situation really is...........for you. In general, IMHO the situation has been somewhat askew from the ideal for quite some time, making marriage counselling help highly improbable, particularly with his refusal to participate. I still agree that you might benefit from seeing someone about your feeling of depression. Additionally, I'm almost certain he does NOT "think life is grand just the way it is." He may say this, but unemployed people rarely have this mindset. We could guess he's much less than satisfied with life, and that you are suffering as collateral damage. More probably he's telling you like it is. Easy test: He is LOOKING for a job? Has a plan for retraining? IF NOT, AND: i can't make him love me that way if he doesn't. i've told him that if he doesn't think i am the one for him and will never feel that way about me, i will set him free to find that woman. but he says that i am the one! i dont get it! Then, (and please forgive me but it isn't in my nature to couch my message) he's just using you as a meal ticket.
jacobmarino03 Posted August 19, 2004 Posted August 19, 2004 I totally agree with everyone else too. I really think you guys need to go to marriage counseling. I am kind of in the same situation. And I want to start up counseling. I hope everything works out for the two of you.
Tabrianatha Posted August 19, 2004 Posted August 19, 2004 hi there, it must feel really bad. he was the one you saw yourself with forever. my best advice, would be to tell him exactly what you wrote on that paper, if you haven't already. please tell me how everything is holding up. -Tab
paris97 Posted August 25, 2004 Posted August 25, 2004 Hey, I am in almost the exact same situation. My husband (we have been married for almost 3 years and together for 5) has been unemployed for almost a year, and I have been doing everything I can to keep it all together, working and supporting him emotionally and financially. He is trying fairly hard to get a job. I don't think he'll go to counseling because he thinks that he'll feel much better when he has a job (the answer to all our problems!?? Not.) Our sex life has gone from satisfactory (not extraordinary) to non-existent. I think he is depressed AND tired of me. We have talked about trying to work on it and get ourselves out of this rut...but recently I've discovered that he has a habit of looking at internet porn. I am confused and don't know how to confront him or talk to him about it. I don't want him to think that I've lost more respect for him than he already thinks I have. I have so many emotions about this because it is unacceptable to me, yet I don't want to kick him when he's down...I love him and I THOUGHT we had a great bond. But it is affecting our sex life--at least it's NOT helping. It just turns me off. I know that I have to say something and I will today. He has been a wonderful husband in every other way, but I am not willing to sacrifice the sexual part of myself to stay together. Clearly we have different sexual needs. I don't know how we're going to recover from this. I'm supposed to be at my peak (30s) of enjoying sex! I am sorry that so many women are experiencing this problem now. I wouldn't make such a big deal about it if it weren't his dirty little secret. What other things/aspects of his personality is he hiding from me? What is going on in that brain of his!!!???? Do I even know him? I kind of think he's been doing this for a long, long time because he seems OK or just has no idea that I know. I am really kind of freaked out by this.
lnichols Posted August 28, 2004 Posted August 28, 2004 I have to agree with Samson on this. Having been the aforementioned "meal ticket", I can relate. There is nothing like working all day and them coming home at night to the same unmade bed, sink full of dishes, and unwashed laundry, and finding your man sitting on the couch in the dark watching the Speed channel and eating snack cakes! And sex? Only when he wanted it, thank you very much. I finally had the wisdom to move out. By then I had spent my savings covering bills. The ONLY good thing about it was that we had not married. It was easy to leave. Are there children involved? I had two kids, and they liked the guy, but they could see that I was carrying the load, and knew it was not fair or right. He actually acted shocked when I left. I'm amazed at how stupid some people are. I was not his partner, I was his live-in maid, unemployment check and whore on demand. I am so much happier. Don't waste the better part of your life and love on a bum. Let him know how you feel. Tell him that you love and desire him, but you cannot tolerate the current situation. Sex is the foundation of a healthy marriage, and if you don't have the foundation, the house will crumble.
9Lives Posted September 5, 2004 Posted September 5, 2004 I went thru this with my husband. Stop asking him for it. He does not feel good about himself and does not want to share himself with anyone right now. He is being very selfish with his body. Buy a dildo and in the middle of the night pull that joker out and Let it rip!!! He will be amazed. Take a picture of your stuff and put in on his night stand. he will look at it when your not around. Get dressed up and go out by yourself. You have to do something to wake him up. This is very painful.
JumpRun Posted September 9, 2004 Posted September 9, 2004 Please know that I'm not being insensitive..............drop him like a bad habit..........life is much too short.
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