egalew Posted December 21, 2012 Posted December 21, 2012 I'll try to be brief. Met MM a year ago. At the time, he was in the middle of a bad 2nd marriage, that was void of any sex, emotion. We didn't have sex until several months into the relationship, so had a chance for a real friendship to develop. We were both from identical backgrounds, so had countless things in common. Our lives became integrated on many levels. He was the first and last person I spoke to every day. There were a period we saw each other every day and would swap e-mails, texts and phone calls throughout the day. I believed I had a friend, as well as a lover. Two months ago, the wife finally gives him the boot, having discovered the affair and saying she had been unhappy for years. No joint assets or kids, so it appears the divorce will go through quickly. He's momentarily elated to finally be "free," and out of a marriage that he himself "didn't have the balls to end." (His words.) This was quickly followed by the panic and fear of flying solo after 40 years of living with someone. Suddenly, he starts acting all weird and on Sunday has a "meltdown" on me, voicing his fears / concerns about ending his marriage. Normal I assume. The next day I get a long break-up email, stating that he is seeking "mental help" and that he's having trouble coping (true). I thought maybe he was going back to the wife and was just saying that. Still, in the back of my mind I suspected something, so I place an ad on Craig's List and he answered it. I am shocked after months of intensity, thousands of e-mails/texts how quickly I was dumped. The man who was so into me, appeared to "adore" me and my child, would so quickly and radically end the relationship. Hurt.
Author egalew Posted December 21, 2012 Author Posted December 21, 2012 Because I was a "sucker" for his story about being in a sexless marriage, and that he tried sooooo hard to make it work but.... bla, bla.... He has this really "nice, good guy" routine down. Everyone would always say, "Wow, that guy is really nice." Added to that was that he was showing up at my door at all hours with flowers, etc..... I eventually fell. Again, took many months. As i said it wasn't as though we met and jumped into bed. There were months of friendship, or what I thought as a friendship, to cultivate. Never again.
Author egalew Posted December 21, 2012 Author Posted December 21, 2012 Thanks, Alice. I agree with everything you said. As foolish as this may sound to some, the story about why his marriage not working just sounded so legit. I guess I believed he was somehow different. Strange, indeed. Now it's hard to know where the truth starts and lies begin. He was also so emeshed in my life on a friendship level, it's a hard adjustment. I worry that if he ever pops back up again -- as they occasionally do -- I won't be strong and be able to tell him to **** himself.
jlola Posted December 21, 2012 Posted December 21, 2012 There was a discussion about personality disorders and affairs. I suggest you look up narcissistic personality or sociopaths. Contrary to what anyone believes, sociopaths and narcissist are the "charmers". In fact when it comes to sociopaths they say to suspect charm. Women who have been with personality disordered men talk about the great honeymoon period. They do what is called "lovebombing" very well. You are everything to them till they either finally get you to leave marriage or they become bored. This becomes very confusing for people who have been in relationships with them. They idealize you, then they devalue you. 1
Author egalew Posted December 21, 2012 Author Posted December 21, 2012 What you said hits the nail on the head. It so sounds like what I went through. I was dumped with a thump. There was no gradual unwinding. However, in the early stage, he was soooooo into me. I will research / read about both
GLDheart Posted December 21, 2012 Posted December 21, 2012 I have come to view those people's love as "intense but shallow"... "amazing yet fickle"... It's like the old expression "easy come. easy go."
jlola Posted December 21, 2012 Posted December 21, 2012 Breaking up with a sociopath narcissist? Be prepared for the battle of your life! While you are an emotional basketcase, he is as Cold as Ice! While you are left holding down the fort and dealing with the real-life responsibilities, he walks away from everything leaving you to mop off his stage and pay his bills. He will punish you in ways you couldn't possibly have ever imagined... ....and not even acknowledge it to himself! Why? Because he's off charming the socks off of new women as if your years together didn't even exist! The sociopathic narcissistic ex continually acts in abusive, bewildering and confusing ways. He is not above committing destructive acts. When the breakup becomes a reality, it is likely that his 'false persona' will completely disappear all together and you will most likely experience the most hurtful of behavior from him. He is completely lacking in empathy, and - since he is not receiving any admiration from you anymore - he will dismiss you and discard you as worthless to him, consequently dropping any fake front that he use to put up in order to keep you in the relationship. Click here to read 'The Counterfeit Heart: Breaking Up With a Narcissist When the narcissist/sociopath targets a victim, they immediately begin to idealize and over-value this new source of “supply.” They are gifted actors, having presented their false self for so many years, and are able to expertly simulate emotions as they “bond” with the victim. They are attracted, curious, and deeply interested in the source and begin a process of courting or grooming the victim. They are incredibly charming and present themselves to be a deep, passionate person capable of loving or of being hurt. They appear to be empathetic and caring but all of these signs are the sheep’s clothing of the narcissist. Naturally, the victim falls head over heels in love with the mirage or false self the narcissist projects and they completely buy into the lies they are told. The narcissist’s seemingly genuine immersion and exaggerated high regard for the source is extremely alluring to the victim. It makes them feel safe, loved and admired. The narcissist showers them with attention and they are so convincing they’re all but impossible to resist when they are on the hunt for a source of supply. However, and this is what you must understand, once the victim is completely hooked and emotionally enmeshed, the narcissist begins to deplete them of their “supply” like a vampire drinks the blood of his victim. This begins to manifest itself by the narcissist toying and playing head games with the source. They’ll deny saying certain things the victim knows they said; they woo seductively and then turn cold and angry causing the source to come running to apologize for some supposed transgression. They are covertly condescending to the source while continuing to rely on their advice. They play with the source like a deep-sea fisherman reels in a sailfish and then lets the line go slack, back and forth until the fish exhausts itself. When the narcissist senses the source’s supply is depleted or is threatened, the narcissist instantaneously and abruptly loses all interest in the victim. To them, the victim no longer exists and is thrown away like a piece of trash. Of course, to be idealized one minute and totally devalued the next is utterly incomprehensible to the victim. Normal people do not treat others this way. It is a mind bending experience that leaves the victim questioning their self worth, judgment and sanity not to mention having to grapple with the extreme grief of suddenly losing what seemed to be a perfect relationship. There is a term for what a narcissist/sociopath does to his victims. It is called emotional rape. It is the systematic and deliberate abuse of a person’s higher emotions without their consent. The victim fully trusts the alluring false self that is presented to them and is made to feel emotions and bonding for the express purpose of being used and discarded. When they give the narcissist the privilege of looking into their soul they never dreamed that intimacy would be abused. The narcissist feels no true emotions. They are incapable. The “love” they feel for the source disappears immediately when the victim’s usefulness runs its course or when a seemingly better qualified source of supply is noticed. They are able to go their merry way without the encumbrance of guilt or remorse. Being a tender human being, the victim usually grieves and misses the relationship for quite some time. The loss is devastating and they can get very depressed, blame themselves, obsess about contacting the narcissist, feel like they’re going crazy, and experience many other emotional manifestations that physical rape victims endure. The emotional roller coaster is so horrific that some victims even display symptoms of post traumatic stress syndrome. 3
Mr. Lucky Posted December 21, 2012 Posted December 21, 2012 Still, in the back of my mind I suspected something, so I place an ad on Craig's List and he answered it. How did you place an ad on Craigslist so tailored to him that, out of all the ads on there, he answered yours ??? Mr. Lucky
GLDheart Posted December 21, 2012 Posted December 21, 2012 Sub in "she" there in that narcisist post and you get me wondering........
Author egalew Posted December 21, 2012 Author Posted December 21, 2012 Lucky - My therapist asked me the same question, and was quite impressed. By nature I am very intuitive and observant. I also have a high level sales job, so am good at listening for "clues" and "insights" to people's behavior. I knew what were his triggers and how he operated. Also, since he's a narcissus, it wasn't that hard. In fact, the ad was so short and simple, it's a bit unbelievable. I also took it to the next step and scheduled two dates, which I was a no show. He drove all over town trying to meet this imaginary woman. This is extreme behavior on my part. But I was shocked by the things he said -- as well as didn't say in the e-mail exchange. It shined light on those dark spots I've been ignoring. It's helping me see who / what he really is an move on.
Mr. Lucky Posted December 22, 2012 Posted December 22, 2012 By nature I am very intuitive and observant. I also have a high level sales job, so am good at listening for "clues" and "insights" to people's behavior. I knew what were his triggers and how he operated. Also, since he's a narcissus, it wasn't that hard. In fact, the ad was so short and simple, it's a bit unbelievable. As Duck has pointed out, other than your success with the ad, your intuitive and observant powers seem to have failed you in terms of divining his true intentions. And it's somewhat disconcerting to see all your angst devoted to being dropped and fooled by him when he has a wife at home experiencing the same things - and then some. The possibility exists that you've gotten off easy... Mr. Lucky 2
Author egalew Posted December 22, 2012 Author Posted December 22, 2012 All true. But, as many folks on this board will attest, matters of the heart and intellect, don't always sync. I think most of the people on this board -- the cheaters, the OW, OM, MS -- found themselves in such situations because they listened to their heart, not their intellect. And, yes, compared to the wife, I got off very easy. I believe he used me as his exit affair, not having the balls to properly end it like he should. Aside from the affair, he did other things in which I'm sure she is devastated and that will take years to heal. And I do feel for her.
CantgetoveritNY Posted December 22, 2012 Posted December 22, 2012 All true. I believe he used me as his exit affair, not having the balls to properly end it like he should. . I think the term exit affair refers to when a Married person, who wants a divorce, has an affair with some one they intend to marry next so that they don't have to be single for any period of time. It sounds like your MM just used you for fun for a while and when he was free of his BS he wanted to see what better product was available to him with his new status as a separated guy rather than an MM. The pool of women available to a male increases immensely once you get rid of the MM label. Believe it or not, not a lot of sane, attractive women want to have a relationship with a MM. So of course now he can do better now.
Spark1111 Posted December 22, 2012 Posted December 22, 2012 I am sorry for your pain, and only want to offer one bit of advice: In MC we learned there is only one response to someone complaining about about their marriage or their spouse. IT is: "I'm sorry to hear that. here's the name and number of a good MC," and Then SHUT DOWN the convo and change the topic. 2
Author egalew Posted December 23, 2012 Author Posted December 23, 2012 I am not sure of the EXACT definition of exit affair. However, in my case, he used the affair as the straw to "break the camel's back" and end the marriage, which he himself couldn't do. Why do I say this: In the aftermath of our D-day he said things like, "I have to except responsibility that I engineered the break-up because I didn't have balls to leave on my own." and "This marriage has been dead for years. I should have left years ago." Honestly, I've heard everything and seen every emotion play out in the last year, so what's true and what's not is hard to say. I was gullible and naive. I've learned some very tough lessons and am really trying to move on.
Spark1111 Posted December 23, 2012 Posted December 23, 2012 And I truly hope you do! Unfortunately, it is all too common where a MM or MW uses persona A to end a marriage, one they did not have the courage to end on their own, only to move onto Person B or C or D. I am sorry this happened to you. Forget him! he's trash.
Spark1111 Posted December 23, 2012 Posted December 23, 2012 I am sorry for your pain, and only want to offer one bit of advice: In MC we learned there is only one response to someone complaining about about their marriage or their spouse. IT is: "I'm sorry to hear that. here's the name and number of a good MC," and Then SHUT DOWN the convo and change the topic. This is a hook, the fishing line cast that brings back two, and only two responses: You PIG! Talking about your spouse in this matter! I need a shower! how disrespectful! OR, Jeez, you poor man, how sad, I want to save you. My love is kinder, better; it will transform you. I will love you to happiness and whole ness. Depending on HOW you respond, is HOW he senses what his future options with you may be. The first is strength, integrity and very clear boundaries. Seek counseling and stop complaining to me! The second? It reveals how vulnerable you are! Naive, trusting, too empathetic, too kind...an easy mark....easy prey. DO NOT be this woman. He has just told you he is supposedly miserable but it is her fault. Poor baby, you now want to rescue him. The on.y question to ask yourself is why?He should be rescuing himself before he approaches you for a relationship. 1
Author egalew Posted December 23, 2012 Author Posted December 23, 2012 All so true. So true. It was a very painful lesson for myself. I am in therapy trying to heal and understand this situation, why I allowed it to happen, my role, etc. so it never happens again. I truly feel sorry for the ex-wife. They were together 14 years. The affair was only a small part of the laundry list of things he did to her. Thanks all for your advice, insight and support.
neveragain34 Posted December 23, 2012 Posted December 23, 2012 Because I was a "sucker" for his story about being in a sexless marriage, and that he tried sooooo hard to make it work but.... bla, bla.... He has this really "nice, good guy" routine down. Everyone would always say, "Wow, that guy is really nice." Added to that was that he was showing up at my door at all hours with flowers, etc..... I eventually fell. Again, took many months. As i said it wasn't as though we met and jumped into bed. There were months of friendship, or what I thought as a friendship, to cultivate. Never again. Mine used the sexless marraige excuse too and after talking to the wife, this was definitely not the case!!!
Spark1111 Posted December 23, 2012 Posted December 23, 2012 I don't get why so many people's hearts would direct them to seek relationships with other people who are cheaters. Nothing to do with the intellect. What is emotionally desirable or stimulating about the thought of involving onesself with another person who is deceiving their primary partner? In addition to the dishonesty which is yuckky you have to deal with someone who can't even devote their attention to you fully. The thought of being involved with a married person who goes back and forth between me and their spouse, including having sex with their spouse in between when I am seeing them, is just a real emotional turn off for me. This is a serious question. I understand the "heart wants what it wants" but why does the heart of so many people want to be treated like last week's cat litter? Think this is a great question, deserving of it's own thread. 1
Spark1111 Posted December 23, 2012 Posted December 23, 2012 Mine used the sexless marraige excuse too and after talking to the wife, this was definitely not the case!!! I wish the OW in my sitch had had the courage to return my calls. I would have told her our frequency dropped to twice a week during his affair. I chalked it up to new job stress. 2
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