To be or not to be Posted December 21, 2012 Posted December 21, 2012 I see I'm one of many! Sorry in advance, this may be a little long. I'm single btw. I met my mm online a year ago. From the 1st day we chatted he was telling me what we ALL hear " I'm unhappy, we fight all the time, loveless marriage and he was very close to moving out". We emailed and IM'd everyday and occasionally talked on the phone for 4 months before actually meeting. He was already telling me he loved me. Finally we meet, after the 2nd time of meeting we were intimate; we were falling hard. He attempted to leave home a couple times but found it difficult because he has two kids 11,15, they were heart broken and thus he became depressed and stayed. I've tried and tried to end it but we're in love; either I'm emailing him back or he emails me. He lives 3hrs from me so seeing him was tough maybe 3x a month. The physical part of our relationship only lasted 3 months before his wife found out through text msgs that he was talking to me. (At that point he had told her that we had only been talking and never met) **** hit the fan for him and he had no phone or computer access so communication had drastically become less. They have both tried counseling in the past several times. He's moved out in the past when his kids were Very young and to young to understand. He says he loves her but not in love with her. He says he doesn't want to work it out with her but doesn't know what to do. We haven't seen each other in 7 MONTHS but still talk daily. Last month, Once again his wife found out that he was still talking to me. He told her that he would come clean with everything as long as she didn't attempt to contact me. So, now she knows that we had been intimate. He started goin to counseling again but doesn't want to let me go. Of course I tried ending it again...oh the vicious cycle is wearing on me. BUT,recently he told me that he's done a lot of soul searching and he's done with the lying, feeling unhappy and depressed. He says he wants to be with me and sees us together and that I make him very happy. He also says that he's in love with me and wants us to be a couple permanently. He says he's in the process of looking for his own house. He asked me to be patient because things were gonna start changing very soon and next month things would start getting rocky but made me promise that I would not leave him. So obviously he's not using me for sex and we're beyond lust. I'm just unsure that he will stick to his plan or if its an attempt to keep me stringing along? How do I know he's being serious this time? How long do I wait? He says he's just fed up and doesn't care about the marriage anymore and wouldn't stop her from asking for a divorce. Is there something I'm missing or does this sound like he's finally done with his marriage?
seren Posted December 21, 2012 Posted December 21, 2012 To be, if you were to total the actual number of hours you have spent together, it doesn't add up to very long and if you haven't seen him for 7 months out of the year, and then for just 3 times a month that is less than 20 times you have actually met. I know you speak online, but people can be very different IRL than online, I am sure we all make assumptions about the people we speak to here, build up pictures etc, yet I am sure we would find them IRL to be quite different. I am not knocking your feelings or he for you, just saying maybe it needs putting into perspective a little. While you love him, I would urge caution about moving in together until you have had an open relationship with him out of his marriage. I would also hope that you go NC until he has left his marriage. 1
promises Posted December 21, 2012 Posted December 21, 2012 To me, it sounds like you need a hug and to start taking care of yourself first. Don't make someone a priority who only makes you an option. 3
Author To be or not to be Posted December 21, 2012 Author Posted December 21, 2012 Sorry about all the "he says" but i just really wanted you all to really know all of things he tells me...very charming. You all have very good advice and I really needed someone too tell me what I'm not seeing. I have no one I can talk to about this and I'm happy to read your thoughts on it...whether there good or bad. We have planned to see each other in a couple weeks. I'm happy about it but I'm not getting my hopes up about things. I did say to him today that if i didn't see him making any changes that I was going no contact. By that I mean deleting my email account and blocking his number. I will continue to post if anything changes. Thanks everyone!
Catplates Posted December 25, 2012 Posted December 25, 2012 After I broke up with xMM he admitted that he used to say anything to keep me hooked for a bit longer. LOts of good advice here for you. Cat. 1
18Years2Late Posted December 25, 2012 Posted December 25, 2012 Red Flag #100..."he wouldn't stop HER from asking for a D"...why?...bc he's a coward and he doesn't love either one of u enough to find his balls and do it himself?...why?...bc he doesn't want a D... 1
TaraMaiden Posted December 26, 2012 Posted December 26, 2012 Three words: DITCH. HIM. NOW. (Why wait? it's not going to change between now and "A couple of weeks"... wet wipes at home, wet wipes with you! What else could he possibly want?!)
Author To be or not to be Posted January 9, 2013 Author Posted January 9, 2013 **Update** He can't make time for me this month either so you know what? I emailed him last night and we are doing No contact. :'( He is going through a job transition closing up the place so I understand he's been extremly busy. Soon he'll start a new job, new hours,a long drive and no phone to contact me. I can't continue to allow myself to sit here waiting, i've make a goof of myself already. @Just a Poster: Your response really hit the spot for me, it's a hard pill to swallow but makes total sense. However, i don't doubt his feelings for me. I can't help the way i feel for him, we love each other but it's just not enough. I haven't told a man for almost a decade that I loved them. He is someone I can see myself being happy with but I'm risking to much for the crumbs of his time. I'm so f'n sad but i know it's for the best. I deleted my yahoo account, blocked his text messaging on my phone, and blocked him from my work email (since I can't delete it). I'm not changing my number, i've had it for many years and I'm not taking it to that level. I told him not to call me unless it was to tell me he's divorced and ready to turn a new leaf. I need to focus on me, i can't be consumed by this anymore. When he's ready for me than he can call me and just maybe I'll be available. He respected my decision and isn't mad. Say's it makes him feel like sh^t that in a way I was putting my life on hold for him. That i needed to let him go and be happy. I'm certain he had no intentions of leaving now.
jwi71 Posted January 9, 2013 Posted January 9, 2013 I think what you are missing is very simple. What he tells you and what he does do not align. I would put more faith in what he does than in what he says. What do his ACTIONS tell you? 1
TaraMaiden Posted January 9, 2013 Posted January 9, 2013 Kudos to you for taking control of things. It looks like you have everything in hand. I'm truly sorry it makes you sad, but you know - hard as it is to believe, having no SO in your life may seem like a loss, but can actually be very liberating too. You dance to your own tune now, whatever the tempo.... ((Hugs)), hun. TM.
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