freestyle Posted December 21, 2012 Posted December 21, 2012 What you're experiencing right now is normal, Shame_On_Me......... It doesn't mean you're losing your mind--you WILL regain equilibrium.(AND clarity) It's a matter of staying the course, and remembering what the most important thing in your life is. There WILL be a light at the end of the tunnel.
CantgetoveritNY Posted December 21, 2012 Posted December 21, 2012 I agree...I do feel like the OW/OM section is more for single OM/OW IMO...which is why I tend to hang out more here now...hope no one minds... Ok, sorry to Shame. I was only over there a short while. I got the impression that for people in your shoes there was support. Others here know better. Others, what about the WS side of the SI site? Again, I was only there briefly but it seems that might be helpful to Shame.
wanting more Posted December 21, 2012 Posted December 21, 2012 I have had a look but it seems they are the opposite of this forum and would probably advice me to go stay with ow, I don't want to hear anything that makes me think that way right now as I'm trying my hardest to fight them thoughts out my head. As an xOW, my A ended almost 4 months ago after a 2nd d-day. xMM chose his BW and I've not heard one word from him since. Not one word after an almost 3-1/2 year A. The first months were horrible, didn't know how I would get thru it, how could he just throw me out like nothing. I was sooo angry, hurt, confused. Today...... I'm grateful to him that he never said one word to me. I'm sure your xOW is hurting, confused and angry. Please let her be. No words from you. You chose your BW and thats what you need to work on now. I can't give you any advice as the BSs on here but from the point of the OW, please stay away from her. For her sake and yours. 1
BetrayedH Posted December 21, 2012 Posted December 21, 2012 He'd love it there. A ton of hand holding and coddling. One thing that they do there is to allow you to post a Stop Sign on your threads so that only other waywards can respond. This makes it a "safer" environment for you to fully vent and post without the fear of hurt or bitter BSs laying into you. To some extent, I suppose it could be coddling. That said, most waywards will eventually post without a stop sign so that they can get some of the more brutal honesty they know they need in order to do things like maintain NC and confess to their BS. Personally, I found that forum to be very helpful to read (as a BS) to help me better understand the mindset of a wayward. I was also VERY impressed with many of the former waywards there that absolutely DID NOT coddle and hand-hold but in fact very directly called out bull**** wayward thinking when they saw it. They had both a keen eye for it and complete legitimacy in calling it out because they had been there themselves. You won't get away with much more there than you will here (short of blocking a few BSs when you use a stop sign). I think you might really benefit from talking to others that have truly been in your shoes and already learned the lessons. Personally, I felt a bond with several WSs there that really did the hard work and I watched many suffer as much as a BS with what they had done or with the loss of their spouse and family. Here's a link... SurvivingInfidelity.com - Wayward Side Forum However, anytime I make this reference, I will always say that I place the most value on this forum because I find nowhere better to get absolutely straight talk from a lot of veteran posters. Hearing the harshest messages is sometimes exactly what is needed to help you stop the pity party and get your head on straight (without the opportunity for a stop sign). My $.02...no reason why you can't do both. 5
veryhappy Posted December 21, 2012 Posted December 21, 2012 I have had a look but it seems they are the opposite of this forum and would probably advice me to go stay with ow, I don't want to hear anything that makes me think that way right now as I'm trying my hardest to fight them thoughts out my head. Where the hell did you get this idea? All the OW posts I saw on your threads only said to leave fOW alone, me included. I'm also married and in a bad marriage, so I can relate to your fOW. You will have obsessive thoughts for a while. Accept it with the intention of moving on. ExMM wrote me a lot of the same you are experiencing. It will subside in time, but I wouldn't hope for that to happen in less than months.
waterwoman Posted December 21, 2012 Posted December 21, 2012 This is horrific, I want it to end, I've always been a reserved and grounded man, this is not me at all. I hope she isn't going through this much pain I hope she has forgotten about me I do not want her to feel this. I don't even want to think about the pain my wife will endure when this comes out because at the rate I'm going at she will soon realise something is not right with me (if she hasn't already) I have always been a reserved and grounded woman. I hate what infidelity did to me. I was so full of rage and despair and anger and hatred and sorrow ...... it was hell. It still is at times. I am NOT that person. I think logically, I am polite and considerate, I am not this screaming wild-eyed harridan who scream at H and sobs and wails. But..... that is what I became. I know you don't want to tell your wife but think hard about " the pain my wife will endure when this comes out ", think really hard, imagine it, feel it on her behalf. It will distract you. Use it to take some of the magic out of your secret relationship and see the misery it was built on. It will help. At the moment you can spend your emotional energy on missing OW, use it on your w.
ComingInHot Posted December 21, 2012 Posted December 21, 2012 Shame; I'm going back and forth w/your comments. Positive: you are (it seems)) trying to do the right thing by your wife & family* Negative: You seem to be dwelling on what you cannot have. If I THOUGHT constantly about the things I couldn't have, I'd be miserable all the time too. I would also feel I would be a person w/very little self control. You have to accept that the feelings you have are real BUT also understand that feelings are "finicky" and can change on a whim even. Get in control of yourself and your thoughts. It was only a couple days ago that you were angry at your wife and that changed a couple hours later... Do this w/your thoughts towards the OW. When the thoughts come, take control and rid your mind of those thoughts! Dwell on what you have and can make w/your family! If doing the Right thing was easy we'd do the right thing all the time. If doing the wrong thing Sucked nobody would ever do it* 2
Spark1111 Posted December 21, 2012 Posted December 21, 2012 Shame.....You need to keep cold turkey. You need to play sick and avoid the OW at all costs over this holiday season. Or maybe she'll be smart and avoid you. You are in withdrawal of the way she made you feel. There are chemicals, dopamine, and PEA, not being sparked by your contact with her, similiar to the chemicals involved in drugs, like nicotine and cocaine. The minute you either see or hear from here, you will be back in the high low cycle again. Don't do it. 1
Brit Posted December 21, 2012 Posted December 21, 2012 Yes, shame on you. I hope you never lied about your marital status to the OP to reel her in. I hope you did not take advantage of her, while she was going through a tough time in her life. Easier to sit around and brood while keeping your marriage intact, while you had made the conscious decision to take advantage of a young woman and potentially ruin hers.
Brit Posted December 21, 2012 Posted December 21, 2012 umm... she's a 30 some year old married woman with two kids who cheated on her husband with a man she knew was married.... she's not evil inacrnate, but neither is some innocent young waif...she was told upfront that the affair was not going to lead to more, and, like pretty much any human being has done at some point in their life, she messed up I was misdirecting my own thoughts toward OP. The ones who lie about their marital status, prey on someone in a horrible situation, and feel entitled to moan about their poor unhappy life at home, then like any dimwit, shifts and home is paradise, while they have destroyed another, and left them to pick up shameful pieces, a man not worth anyone's company. 1
pteromom Posted December 21, 2012 Posted December 21, 2012 Start faking it until you make it. Right now, you are idealizing OW. You are letting yourself get swept away with all the things you miss about her. Instead, force yourself to think about things that annoyed you about her. Think about arguments you had. Start painting a different picture of her in your mind. You can even make things up. Think of a detailed scenario where she was cheating on you with yet another married guy. Imagine her going home to her DH and sleeping with him and loving him. Imagine her lying with him and wishing she could break up with you. Imagine her being rude or cold or angry. Try to turn your feelings of regret and pining into feelings of disgust and anger (toward her).
drifter777 Posted December 21, 2012 Posted December 21, 2012 Why there? That section is for single OM/OW. This section is for WS's too, not just BS's, it is listed at the top of the page what infidelity is. Though WS's and OM/OW should be in the same section. It's not the fact the OP is a WS, it's the questions he is asking: Aaaaaah why can't I get her out my head ? Everywhere I look something reminds me of her, I smell her everywhere, I thought I even heard her whisper my name like she used to when making love. I can't sleep, eat or function properly, my body feels like its been hit by a truck. What is this ? It seems as though the OW/OM forum (where many WS's post these types of questions) would provide OP with more helpful feedback.
2sunny Posted December 21, 2012 Posted December 21, 2012 You live in a town that has you running into your OW at least twice in the past week... I'm sure this town offers counseling! Small or not - cou selling is everywhere! Ask at church - your doctor - the hospital etc - for referrals. I think it's available - but you just intend to keep another secret from your wife. Get honest - tell her you have appointments to work on YOUR character defects and growth.
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