shame_on_me Posted December 20, 2012 Posted December 20, 2012 (edited) Aaaaaah why can't I get her out my head ? Everywhere I look something reminds me of her, I smell her everywhere, I thought I even heard her whisper my name like she used to when making love. I can't sleep, eat or function properly, my body feels like its been hit by a truck. What is this ? I know some of you are bored of my whining and think I should just confess to my wife but truthfully I can't take anymore right now, my head feels like its going to explode, I am dreading the holidays because I haven't got work I can burry myself in I'm going to have to be the "happy family man" around our friends and families and social structure of our town - so will she, we are going to see each other alot over the next few days .... Church, school, nativity plays, Santas sleigh, town gatherings etc etc. Even I'm beginning to see how pathetic I must seem, I wish I could just "man up" and swallow my emotions which I have been very good at my whole life Edited December 20, 2012 by shame_on_me
Decorative Posted December 21, 2012 Posted December 21, 2012 It's called withdrawal. It happens a lot. My spouse was awful during that time period- which is why we continued the separation until he was absolutely clear on reconciliation. He cried. He would have panic attacks. He asked me to write letters to the OW. Unfortunately- his behavior wasn't that unusual. And he didn't want to be with the OW- because to be clear- I packed his stuff, kicked jim out, and told him he had my blessing to go be with her, because I wasn't going to play. On another site- they keep a running list of things waywards do while de-fogging/withdrawing. It's painful, but after the waywards get through it, it can almost be amusing. If you ask him about that now- he is totally embarrassed that he did any of that crap, and is thankful I still agreed to try reconciliation.
drifter777 Posted December 21, 2012 Posted December 21, 2012 Aaaaaah why can't I get her out my head ? Everywhere I look something reminds me of her, I smell her everywhere, I thought I even heard her whisper my name like she used to when making love. I can't sleep, eat or function properly, my body feels like its been hit by a truck. What is this ? I know some of you are bored of my whining and think I should just confess to my wife but truthfully I can't take anymore right now, my head feels like its going to explode, I am dreading the holidays because I haven't got work I can burry myself in I'm going to have to be the "happy family man" around our friends and families and social structure of our town - so will she, we are going to see each other alot over the next few days .... Church, school, nativity plays, Santas sleigh, town gatherings etc etc. Even I'm beginning to see how pathetic I must seem, I wish I could just "man up" and swallow my emotions which I have been very good at my whole life This should be posted in the OM/OW forum.
Author shame_on_me Posted December 21, 2012 Author Posted December 21, 2012 This should be posted in the OM/OW forum. Since my story is on the infidelity forum and the people I have been associating with and I must add some of which have been very helpful I thought it belonged here. I am the cheating spouse therefor it belongs in "infidelity"
CantgetoveritNY Posted December 21, 2012 Posted December 21, 2012 Since my story is on the infidelity forum and the people I have been associating with and I must add some of which have been very helpful I thought it belonged here. I am the cheating spouse therefor it belongs in "infidelity" Have you been to the OW/OM forum? They would be better to advise you on how to handle withdrawn from your AP. They will support your decision as we would but they have been in your shoes which most of us have not.
Author shame_on_me Posted December 21, 2012 Author Posted December 21, 2012 Have you been to the OW/OM forum? They would be better to advise you on how to handle withdrawn from your AP. They will support your decision as we would but they have been in your shoes which most of us have not. I have had a look but it seems they are the opposite of this forum and would probably advice me to go stay with ow, I don't want to hear anything that makes me think that way right now as I'm trying my hardest to fight them thoughts out my head. 3
Author shame_on_me Posted December 21, 2012 Author Posted December 21, 2012 Have you bought the books people recommended? Yes I have ordered 3 books but unfortunately they will not be here until after Christmas. I am reading many articles though on how to reconcile and "fall back in love" with my wife, I already love her I don't need to fall back in love with her. I just need my ow out my head.
Saba Posted December 21, 2012 Posted December 21, 2012 My advice is to keep busy with your family. Minimise time you will see your exOW even if that includes feigning a headache and staying home from social events. Spend more time with your children. Go to the gym and play golf. Keep busy. 1
GLDheart Posted December 21, 2012 Posted December 21, 2012 Well when my spouse "broke my heart" and cheated, I kicked her out and went No Contact. I felt all of those same pains. It was aweful. Seriously everything in the world reminded me of her. I was like "wtf?!? that never reminded me of her before... why now?". I mean EVERYTHING did this. I would finally get her out of my head... and fall asleep and DREAM OF HER!! Damnit! I felt like she was haunting me... tormenting me... This is why they say "time heals all wounds". This craziness fades. You are not alone. Look into the brain chemistry of it if you want. It's pretty interesting stuff. Your brain is literally withdrawing from the "feel good" chemicals that are released during infatuation. It hurts like hell... but, somehow knowing it was "all in my head" let me cope a bit better. Good luck my man. This is the most painful stuff to go through. Exercise healped out alot... oh, and side benefit: 8 months later I'm sexy ripped ;-) 6
Author shame_on_me Posted December 21, 2012 Author Posted December 21, 2012 Well when my spouse "broke my heart" and cheated, I kicked her out and went No Contact. I felt all of those same pains. It was aweful. Seriously everything in the world reminded me of her. I was like "wtf?!? that never reminded me of her before... why now?". I mean EVERYTHING did this. I would finally get her out of my head... and fall asleep and DREAM OF HER!! Damnit! I felt like she was haunting me... tormenting me... This is why they say "time heals all wounds". This craziness fades. You are not alone. Look into the brain chemistry of it if you want. It's pretty interesting stuff. Your brain is literally withdrawing from the "feel good" chemicals that are released during infatuation. It hurts like hell... but, somehow knowing it was "all in my head" let me cope a bit better. Good luck my man. This is the most painful stuff to go through. Exercise healped out alot... oh, and side benefit: 8 months later I'm sexy ripped ;-) You summed that up perfectly for me, if I didn't know she was just around the corner I would be convinced she was haunting me. I have planned the next few days with my kids on outings so hopefully this will keep my mind occupied.
whichwayisup Posted December 21, 2012 Posted December 21, 2012 Aaaaaah why can't I get her out my head ? Everywhere I look something reminds me of her, I smell her everywhere, I thought I even heard her whisper my name like she used to when making love. I can't sleep, eat or function properly, my body feels like its been hit by a truck. What is this ? I know some of you are bored of my whining and think I should just confess to my wife but truthfully I can't take anymore right now, my head feels like its going to explode, I am dreading the holidays because I haven't got work I can burry myself in I'm going to have to be the "happy family man" around our friends and families and social structure of our town - so will she, we are going to see each other alot over the next few days .... Church, school, nativity plays, Santas sleigh, town gatherings etc etc. Even I'm beginning to see how pathetic I must seem, I wish I could just "man up" and swallow my emotions which I have been very good at my whole life Not sure if you have me on ignore as you haven't replied to anything I've said to you for a while now. Time to go to counseling. Since you don't plan on telling your wife (Unless she out right asks you what is going on and if you're having an affair, then you say you'd tell her the truth) counseling will help you grieve the loss of your exMOW. Sucking it up isn't going to help, and swallowing what you feel, your emotions is kind of what got you into this mess to begin with. Time to change that, so DO google or look in the phone book to find someone to talk to about this.
18Years2Late Posted December 21, 2012 Posted December 21, 2012 Aaaaaah why can't I get her out my head ? Everywhere I look something reminds me of her, I smell her everywhere, I thought I even heard her whisper my name like she used to when making love. I can't sleep, eat or function properly, my body feels like its been hit by a truck. What is this ? I know some of you are bored of my whining and think I should just confess to my wife but truthfully I can't take anymore right now, my head feels like its going to explode, I am dreading the holidays because I haven't got work I can burry myself in I'm going to have to be the "happy family man" around our friends and families and social structure of our town - so will she, we are going to see each other alot over the next few days .... Church, school, nativity plays, Santas sleigh, town gatherings etc etc. Even I'm beginning to see how pathetic I must seem, I wish I could just "man up" and swallow my emotions which I have been very good at my whole life This made me sad...bc I feel ur pain...but at the same time I really hope my xMOM is feeling this pain too only worse... I've been in ur insanity shoes 3x...I can't really tell u that it gets better bc I never stayed away from xMOM long enough to say when that happens...I can say that this time is not nearly as bad this time bc I guess I almost expected it and prepared for it...I kept walls up this time and didn't allow myself to get so totally engrossed in him this time...and i know this time is the last time...no going back ever...it still hurts but it's not so incredibly debilitating like u are experiencing right now... I'm sorry ur hurting...ur xMOW is too...I bet she would like to know that she actually meant something to you...although I know that's not possible...I'm afraid that ur not mentally prepared for what u will do when she breaks no contact...or when u find out she's D...it's really hard to let go and most don't do it on the 1st try...there will come a month in the next month or 2 where u will think that there's nothing u wouldn't do legal or illegal or immoral for someone or something to just take the pain away for just 1 hour...it's the worst u will ever feel in ur entire life...and there's no reset button...and then she breaks no contact...then what?...u think you'll resist?...not a chance...don't kid yourself... There's nothing I can tell u to make it better or take ur pain away...I can only give u my experience and tell u to not lie to yourself about how u will react to NC and make a plan...if its really ur W u want...make a plan and stick to it...if its just ur kids and ur money and ur house and ur lifestyle u don't want to lose...then you'll never b happy with ur W as a "package deal" to those things...and it's not fair to her anyway... It's tough I know...sorry...have u though about IC?...may help u sort through some of ur feelings...I imagine it might be a little difficult to read books on R from A's in front of ur W right now...
whichwayisup Posted December 21, 2012 Posted December 21, 2012 This should be posted in the OM/OW forum. Why there? That section is for single OM/OW. This section is for WS's too, not just BS's, it is listed at the top of the page what infidelity is. Though WS's and OM/OW should be in the same section. 2
whichwayisup Posted December 21, 2012 Posted December 21, 2012 Have you been to the OW/OM forum? They would be better to advise you on how to handle withdrawn from your AP. They will support your decision as we would but they have been in your shoes which most of us have not. Many OW are replying to him here, so the answers and help he's getting is going to be more or less the same. Other WS's have also replied to him in this section. 3
Author shame_on_me Posted December 21, 2012 Author Posted December 21, 2012 Not sure if you have me on ignore as you haven't replied to anything I've said to you for a while now. Time to go to counseling. Since you don't plan on telling your wife (Unless she out right asks you what is going on and if you're having an affair, then you say you'd tell her the truth) counseling will help you grieve the loss of your exMOW. Sucking it up isn't going to help, and swallowing what you feel, your emotions is kind of what got you into this mess to begin with. Time to change that, so DO google or look in the phone book to find someone to talk to about this. Hi which, sorry if I never responded to ur posts it wasn't my intention, I haven't got used to the whole multiple quote thing yet. Can they do over the phone counselling ? I had previously stated that it would be very hard to get there (we live outwith main cities) I work in the city and could probably manage during working hours, which again would be difficult as I am constantly in and out of meetings.
whichwayisup Posted December 21, 2012 Posted December 21, 2012 Hi which, sorry if I never responded to ur posts it wasn't my intention, I haven't got used to the whole multiple quote thing yet. Can they do over the phone counselling ? I had previously stated that it would be very hard to get there (we live outwith main cities) I work in the city and could probably manage during working hours, which again would be difficult as I am constantly in and out of meetings. Yes, just google it, tons will come up. Though I'm sure there is counseling available in your small town..You just may not know that's it's offered. Do you have a trusted male friend you can confide in? This could help you too. As for your exMOW, you know she's feeling the same as you. Hurting and going through withdrawal. It has to be this way, so don't give in and break NC , whatever you do! Join a gym and punch the shi.t of that punching bag. make yourself physically exhausted so you can sleep better at night. Keep busy. Focus on your wife and kids as much as you can. Though DO give yourself alone time so you can grieve and cry if you feel like it. Like all break ups, it takes time to heal wounds. It'll get better as time goes on though it may take a little while to get there.
18Years2Late Posted December 21, 2012 Posted December 21, 2012 Why there? That section is for single OM/OW. This section is for WS's too, not just BS's, it is listed at the top of the page what infidelity is. Though WS's and OM/OW should be in the same section. I agree...I do feel like the OW/OM section is more for single OM/OW IMO...which is why I tend to hang out more here now...hope no one minds...
Author shame_on_me Posted December 21, 2012 Author Posted December 21, 2012 This made me sad...bc I feel ur pain...but at the same time I really hope my xMOM is feeling this pain too only worse... I've been in ur insanity shoes 3x...I can't really tell u that it gets better bc I never stayed away from xMOM long enough to say when that happens...I can say that this time is not nearly as bad this time bc I guess I almost expected it and prepared for it...I kept walls up this time and didn't allow myself to get so totally engrossed in him this time...and i know this time is the last time...no going back ever...it still hurts but it's not so incredibly debilitating like u are experiencing right now... I'm sorry ur hurting...ur xMOW is too...I bet she would like to know that she actually meant something to you...although I know that's not possible...I'm afraid that ur not mentally prepared for what u will do when she breaks no contact...or when u find out she's D...it's really hard to let go and most don't do it on the 1st try...there will come a month in the next month or 2 where u will think that there's nothing u wouldn't do legal or illegal or immoral for someone or something to just take the pain away for just 1 hour...it's the worst u will ever feel in ur entire life...and there's no reset button...and then she breaks no contact...then what?...u think you'll resist?...not a chance...don't kid yourself... There's nothing I can tell u to make it better or take ur pain away...I can only give u my experience and tell u to not lie to yourself about how u will react to NC and make a plan...if its really ur W u want...make a plan and stick to it...if its just ur kids and ur money and ur house and ur lifestyle u don't want to lose...then you'll never b happy with ur W as a "package deal" to those things...and it's not fair to her anyway... It's tough I know...sorry...have u though about IC?...may help u sort through some of ur feelings...I imagine it might be a little difficult to read books on R from A's in front of ur W right now... This is horrific, I want it to end, I've always been a reserved and grounded man, this is not me at all. I hope she isn't going through this much pain I hope she has forgotten about me I do not want her to feel this. I don't even want to think about the pain my wife will endure when this comes out because at the rate I'm going at she will soon realise something is not right with me (if she hasn't already)
whichwayisup Posted December 21, 2012 Posted December 21, 2012 Another thing, start reading posts at baggage reclaim. Many can be applied to affairs, and that whole unhealthy dynamic, and it'll help you make sense of what you're feeling and how to make some changes. Don't want to scare you, but your wife knows something is up. One cannot hide that sadness and angst for too long.. You actually just might end up confessing everything to your wife because you can't take it anymore. Never say never. Blurting stuff out can just happen! 3
whichwayisup Posted December 21, 2012 Posted December 21, 2012 This is horrific, I want it to end, I've always been a reserved and grounded man, this is not me at all. I hope she isn't going through this much pain I hope she has forgotten about me I do not want her to feel this. I don't even want to think about the pain my wife will endure when this comes out because at the rate I'm going at she will soon realise something is not right with me (if she hasn't already) Mind control. Make yourself not care or worry about what exMOW is thinking or feeling. fact that you spend time 'thinking' about it makes you stay in that place. Gotta do NC in your head too! Focus on that pain that your wife will feel, it'll shift your mind and make you think of exMOW less. 1
Author shame_on_me Posted December 21, 2012 Author Posted December 21, 2012 I must also apologise to bs on here for my comments lately I know this may hurt a few of you hearing this. It is not my intention. If there was another suitable thread I would post there instead of here.
18Years2Late Posted December 21, 2012 Posted December 21, 2012 This is horrific, I want it to end, I've always been a reserved and grounded man, this is not me at all. I hope she isn't going through this much pain I hope she has forgotten about me I do not want her to feel this. I don't even want to think about the pain my wife will endure when this comes out because at the rate I'm going at she will soon realise something is not right with me (if she hasn't already) I know...I really do...the "Me" u were is gone forever...this is a life-changing experience...all we can hope for is that the new "me" is a better "me"...with hard lessons learned...u can't change yesterday but u have total control over tomorrow... Sorry to tell u but Ur OW is in the same pain...pain...if she wasn't she would be human or she's just a psychopath without feeling...but she's not looking to save her M as u have said...so she has no one else to focus on...might b worse for her...who knows...but u should worry about u and what u want...she'll be fine...one day...
seren Posted December 21, 2012 Posted December 21, 2012 (edited) Shame, when my H told me about the A, he said he had never felt such relief as keeping secrets, juggling and the guilt he felt was weighting him down so much he thought he would die from it. He also said that as soon as he said it, he saw my face and thought WTF have I done and WTF was I thinking. I knew by looking at him and by his actions and comments that he meant what he said and I felt sorry for him, angry as hell of course, but because I knew that an A was so far from who I knew him to be that my first reaction was to think how dammed broken he looked. I think you are still menatlly locked into A mode, even though you have ended it. In your head you are still keeping secrets and maybe haven't processed the ending because while it is a secret it is still an A and so your focus is on your pain, the OW's pain and while I understand that you miss her and feel conflicted, until you address the huge elephant in the room of your home with your wife, you cannot move on and you will drive yourself around the bend. As you tell your wife, really look at her and remember all that you have been to each other and then ask yourself if you want to be with her, if you have the courage to reconcile (for it takes loads of that) and finally, if she stays, if you can say hand on heart that she is the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. if you are that conflicted about the OW and if you love her and not your wife, then tell your wife and leave, give her the chance to find someone else too. Living a life based upon a lie is so crap and not one I would wish for anyone, certainly not the person I loved or had loved. I want to add that H would have fought the world and its dog to stop me being hurt and it was ironic that he was the one to hurt me and to enable another to do so too. It was the worse pain and still we are together. Edited December 21, 2012 by seren 3
promises Posted December 21, 2012 Posted December 21, 2012 This is horrific, I want it to end, I've always been a reserved and grounded man, this is not me at all. I hope she isn't going through this much pain I hope she has forgotten about me I do not want her to feel this. I don't even want to think about the pain my wife will endure when this comes out because at the rate I'm going at she will soon realise something is not right with me (if she hasn't already) She's going through as much pain.
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