phoebeandsons Posted December 20, 2012 Posted December 20, 2012 I met my husband at a swingers party. OK, yeah, that’s really weird, but that’s how it happened. We were both single, he went cos he’s a guy and that’s what guys do, I was there with some girlfriends because we just wanted to see what all the fuss was about. Him and I got talking and really found something in each other, we did nothing with each other that night but swap phone numbers. Move forward 10 years and we are still together with 2 wonderful boys. Our life is great, he is great, I have nothing to complain about. The only thing that really gets to me is that he makes it very clear that he does not believe in monogamy. He is very open about this, he will share this in conversation without giving it any thought, to friends, family, strangers, it is just who he is and what he believes and he doesn’t hide it. He has never been with anyone since we got together explaining it by saying that although he does not believe in monogamy he does believe that trust is paramount in a relationship. He says he would never break my trust. Sometimes it’s embarrassing because I can see that the other people just assume that it means that I am allowing him to sleep around. So it’s been 10 years, he has never given me any reason to doubt him, but I have this nagging feeling that I may be holding him back from who he truly is by holding him in a monogamous relationship and that secretly he may resent me for this. He has empowered me to be whoever I wanted to be, to be myself without worrying about what the world thinks, I love him so much for this. I keep feeling I should allow him the same. We have been back in the swinging scene for the last three years and attend parties maybe 10 times a year but we only ever do anything with each other, we just like to watch and be watched. I can see him checking out the other women and I have no issue with him looking but again I feel like (despite what he says) he would be with these women if he wasn’t in this monogamous relationship. This is not about whether he may have cheated, I have no doubt that is not the case, but I feel guilty that I have stopped him from being the real him. Even after 10 years he still talks about is dislike of monogamy in conversation so it was never just a passing phase of his life. Am I holding him back? Am I not allowing him to be the real him? Or am I just being paranoid?
Yookie Posted December 21, 2012 Posted December 21, 2012 Unless it was a shot-gun wedding, I don't see how you are holding him back. At the same time, the way he's playing with words (if you are phrasing it the way he said it) would have me worried. Trust is paramount? What about honesty? He would never break your trust? Does that mean he will never tell you things that would make you not trust him? I think you should talk to him and ask him some direct questions with yes or no answers. Such as: "You don't believe in monogamy but you have been monogamous for the last 10 years right????" Why keep spouting rhetoric if you are not living up to your beliefs?
Author phoebeandsons Posted December 21, 2012 Author Posted December 21, 2012 Unless it was a shot-gun wedding, I don't see how you are holding him back. At the same time, the way he's playing with words (if you are phrasing it the way he said it) would have me worried. Trust is paramount? What about honesty? He would never break your trust? Does that mean he will never tell you things that would make you not trust him? I think you should talk to him and ask him some direct questions with yes or no answers. Such as: "You don't believe in monogamy but you have been monogamous for the last 10 years right????" Why keep spouting rhetoric if you are not living up to your beliefs? The wording is mine and is probably not as correct as it could be. I have spoken to him and asked him directly and he has not cheated on me, I am 100% confidant of that. I guess this is more about me and the way I feel. He would have no issue finding other women to share his bed but he chooses not to because he is with me and I want him to be monogamous. That makes me feel good that he would do that for me but equally it makes me wonder whether it is fair that I am not allowing him to live that part of his life given that I knew all this before we got together. I don't know, I just have some gut feeling that one day he will just turn to me and say I have held him back all these years. He swears that's not the case so it is probably my own insecurities. I have contemplated allowing another woman into our bed so he can somwhat experience what he previously has been able, and of course I get to enjoy it too but he says no to that. He says all the right things all the time but yet I still have this feeling. I guess I just have to work on me and trust that he is the honest and caring man that he appears.
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