shatteredspirit Posted December 20, 2012 Posted December 20, 2012 So, it has been 3 months since d-day, and I find the one hard thing for me right now is humility. My husband struggled with porn and cheating. He is making everything so easy. Being open and honest about everything, giving me PWs and always showing me all of his conversations for the day. He is truly trying, but I am having a hard time with the specific women he was with. They were young, and child free. I am not so old, late 20's and we have 2 children together and I have one fr a previous relationship. So, I am feeling insecure about my body and other areas. He reassures me constantly, but it is all in my own head. I can't seem to get the confidence, that I once had in myself. Anyone have this problem, or have any advice that might be helpful?
Doneinne Posted December 20, 2012 Posted December 20, 2012 I'm sure most if not all of us have insecurities. I wanted to know what the other guys looked like. If they were well endowed? Were they better in bed? She claims her affairs weren't about sex or looks, she said it was because they paid attention to her and listened to her. We were going through rough times in our marriage. We fought a lot and didn't talk at times.
Spark1111 Posted December 20, 2012 Posted December 20, 2012 So, it has been 3 months since d-day, and I find the one hard thing for me right now is humility. My husband struggled with porn and cheating. He is making everything so easy. Being open and honest about everything, giving me PWs and always showing me all of his conversations for the day. He is truly trying, but I am having a hard time with the specific women he was with. They were young, and child free. I am not so old, late 20's and we have 2 children together and I have one fr a previous relationship. So, I am feeling insecure about my body and other areas. He reassures me constantly, but it is all in my own head. I can't seem to get the confidence, that I once had in myself. Anyone have this problem, or have any advice that might be helpful? OMG! Yes. And this is what I did about it. I went to the gym for my mental health and got back a hot bod in the bargain! I dyed my hair platinum blonde, got a makeover, started buying trendier clothes and dressing up more for home, work and play. I took classes after work, country line dancing, stained glass making, re initiated some interests in music, contacted old friends and did whatever it took to feel like a woman, not just a wife and mother. I bought some pretty lingerie and matching bra and panties! I did whatever it took to feel pretty, prettier, not for him but for me! I got my self-esteem and confidence back, and frankly, the changes in both my Personal appearance and my attitude scared the bejesus out of him. And I was ALWAYS adventurous in bed, I had just forgotten it with such a crippling blow to my ego. I vowed that nothing, not even his affair, was going to make me feel LESS than the woman I had always been. 9
Furious Posted December 21, 2012 Posted December 21, 2012 So, it has been 3 months since d-day, and I find the one hard thing for me right now is humility. My husband struggled with porn and cheating. He is making everything so easy. Being open and honest about everything, giving me PWs and always showing me all of his conversations for the day. He is truly trying, but I am having a hard time with the specific women he was with. They were young, and child free. I am not so old, late 20's and we have 2 children together and I have one fr a previous relationship. So, I am feeling insecure about my body and other areas. He reassures me constantly, but it is all in my own head. I can't seem to get the confidence, that I once had in myself. Anyone have this problem, or have any advice that might be helpful? SS Even a supermodel would feel insecure if she were cheated on. Being betrayed is a hard knock to anyone's self-esteem. The truth is, self-esteem comes from within and you own that, there's nothing more beautiful than self confidence and self respect. Harness that, be good to yourself, don't focus on the things you wish you can change, because no one is flawless. Your husband has deeply hurt you, he is the one who is flawed not you. Take extra care of yourself, give yourself the extra attention you especially need now. Do whatever it is that makes you feel more confident, do it for you and no one else. 8
lisebye Posted December 21, 2012 Posted December 21, 2012 I'm sure most if not all of us have insecurities. I wanted to know what the other guys looked like. If they were well endowed? Were they better in bed? She claims her affairs weren't about sex or looks, she said it was because they paid attention to her and listened to her. We were going through rough times in our marriage. We fought a lot and didn't talk at times. I completely understand you- My girlfriend said the same things to me
2.50 a gallon Posted December 21, 2012 Posted December 21, 2012 ss This is only natural. In fact you probably would not be human if you felt otherwise. I had been a player prior to marriage and had had many partners, but none of that matter on d-day. If was one of the associate OM's wives who came to my rescue, when the two of us had a revenge affair 1
GLDheart Posted December 21, 2012 Posted December 21, 2012 I've always been confident about my looks, my body, the way I move, my "manhood", well... pretty much everything. AND YES. After this betrayal and pretty much for the first time in my life, there were moments that I looked in the mirror and HATED what I saw.
Author shatteredspirit Posted January 1, 2013 Author Posted January 1, 2013 Sorry it too so long to say thank you to all who replied...I know it is all in my head most of the time, but it bothers me that he was with all these woman without kids, and now I am too insecure to sleep with him. Everyone keeps saying that it takes time, but I really wish I could put a rush on it.
ladyinthemts Posted January 3, 2013 Posted January 3, 2013 OMG! Yes. And this is what I did about it. I went to the gym for my mental health and got back a hot bod in the bargain! I dyed my hair platinum blonde, got a makeover, started buying trendier clothes and dressing up more for home, work and play. I took classes after work, country line dancing, stained glass making, re initiated some interests in music, contacted old friends and did whatever it took to feel like a woman, not just a wife and mother. I bought some pretty lingerie and matching bra and panties! I did whatever it took to feel pretty, prettier, not for him but for me! I got my self-esteem and confidence back, and frankly, the changes in both my Personal appearance and my attitude scared the bejesus out of him. And I was ALWAYS adventurous in bed, I had just forgotten it with such a crippling blow to my ego. I vowed that nothing, not even his affair, was going to make me feel LESS than the woman I had always been. ^ She's got it covered. You're going to hate yourself and question everything. I have and keep doing it sometimes. But don't give up loving yourself. I had the benefit of a "spy friend" who told me what the OW said about me, when I asked, of course. He didn't want to start anything. She said a lot of bad things attacking my appearance, but when she got really drunk one night the OW confessed to my friend all her insecurities and things she was jealous of about me. Think about that. I mean, the man is still with you? Not her. So, she's probably jealous of you! Everyone is going to be insecure about something, but you have things about you that make you amazing and make your spouse attracted to you! 1
Spark1111 Posted January 3, 2013 Posted January 3, 2013 ^ She's got it covered. You're going to hate yourself and question everything. I have and keep doing it sometimes. But don't give up loving yourself. I had the benefit of a "spy friend" who told me what the OW said about me, when I asked, of course. He didn't want to start anything. She said a lot of bad things attacking my appearance, but when she got really drunk one night the OW confessed to my friend all her insecurities and things she was jealous of about me. Think about that. I mean, the man is still with you? Not her. So, she's probably jealous of you! Everyone is going to be insecure about something, but you have things about you that make you amazing and make your spouse attracted to you! OMG! Over time I discovered she was hugely jealous of me, my life, my man, my wide circle of friends, my standing in the community due to years of volunteerism and random acts of kindness, especially on behalf of children. She couldn't pick me apart any more than she did, and she is very intelligent and articulate, so she did do some substantial damage to our relationship and my self-esteem...at least, for awhile. But ultimately, no? She has few female friends and there are reasons for that. Beware of the woman who has few female friends. 3
ComingInHot Posted January 3, 2013 Posted January 3, 2013 I wasn't tall enough. I wasn't skinny enough. I wasn't young enough. I wasn't smart enough. I wasn't pretty in the way she was. I wasn't fun enough. I wasn't carefree enough. I wasn't... Her. Thank God I am NOT her!! I'm more intelligent. I'm more beautiful. I'm more fun. I'm stronger. I'm kinder. I'm HAPPY. And if husband doesn't like it/want it, he can get the F out!! Conclusion? My husband tells me (pretty much daily), I AM waaaaay better in all categories except the younger, taller, Skinner bit BUT I don't Want to be a tall skinny young "bycicle" who looks ridden hard. (Personally I don't think being size Six is chubby for five four)* See, it still kind of "bugs" me but I don't let it control me. 2
Decorative Posted January 3, 2013 Posted January 3, 2013 But ultimately, no? She has few female friends and there are reasons for that. Beware of the woman who has few female friends. Seriously. It's a giant, waving, lit up like the Fourth of July red flag. 2
beenburned Posted January 3, 2013 Posted January 3, 2013 SS, Spark's post could have been mine, as we both did a lot of the same things to build our self esteems up! My H also cheated with young single childless women. (3 of them before he got caught) I was a SAHM with 2 little kids on d-day.(with stretch marks that resembled a road map:lmao:) It scared the bejesus out of me to know I was financially dependent on a cheater! I got a job and went to college at night. Then when I was financially able to divorce him(couple of years later), I didn't. Why? Because I still loved him and he had bent over backwards to become a totally different person in those years following d-day. We are still together after almost 40 years of marriage. I know there will always be women that are more beautiful or fit than me. But as long as I know I have done my best to be as attractive as possible(inside & out), then I radiate that glow for all to see! 4
ladyinthemts Posted January 5, 2013 Posted January 5, 2013 OMG! Over time I discovered she was hugely jealous of me, my life, my man, my wide circle of friends, my standing in the community due to years of volunteerism and random acts of kindness, especially on behalf of children. She couldn't pick me apart any more than she did, and she is very intelligent and articulate, so she did do some substantial damage to our relationship and my self-esteem...at least, for awhile. But ultimately, no? She has few female friends and there are reasons for that. Beware of the woman who has few female friends. It's true! I've learned that lesson hard, and for anyone who hasn't yet: one red flag for me was when I approached my H about her ignoring me but being up his butt. He said she was nervous around women and was more like "one of the guys". That I could be intimidating. I was like, "Uh, I'm one of the guys in many circles...and guess what, I have girlfriends who are the same as me! Girls like us are attracted to each other because we get it. And I'm not intimidating. I ask her things like, did you see that movie?" Anyway, red flag there definitely. She also complained to him a lot about former girl-friends who turned on her. Even mentioned that one accused her of having affair with her husband...interesting, huh? I sure know what to look for now! I digress, I meant to agree and say that every woman has something that makes you special! I have things she will never have. Ever. Including my H. 2
Spark1111 Posted January 6, 2013 Posted January 6, 2013 yeah...someone like this at work. affairs, divorced, now dating one jerk after another. she would flirt with the garbage can and laugh equally as hard if it could tell a dirty. Joke. Loves male attention and doesn't care how she gets it. Finds all women of class or dignity intimidating because she is terrible insecu re. her female friends are far and few. Either she perceives them as a threat or they eventually drop her like a hot potato when they realize how whacked and or promiscuous she can be. And I think, you cannot make a silk purse out df a sow's ear, so why the hell should I feel insecure? I shouldn't and I don't any longer. 1
beenburned Posted January 13, 2013 Posted January 13, 2013 Spark, It is so freeing when we finally realize all of this about the APs! I find it so fulfilling to live a good authentic lifestyle. After all, what is so special about spreading your legs for any man that gives you some attention? 1
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