Can someone please clarify for me a question I have?

[padparadscha]

This situation I believe is a bit unusual. I joined dating service. I met several men in this service, but after one date we pretty much knew there was not much there and parted ways. No man wanted to stick around for a friendship only. Recently I met a man. We instantly by phone connected. It turned out he was leaving to go on vacation that day and asked me for my email address so that he could set up a date for us to go on a date when he returned. While he was gone out of the country on holiday with his young daughter, he emailed me long letters almost every other day. He was suppose to be on vacation, yet he found an internet and took a great deal of time to even research things for me.

 

When he returned we went out on our first date. There was no chemistry between us. Although there was no chemistry, we continued to write to one another long letters each day. This man is a writer who has published 12 successful books. He is also a well known professional with international and domestic prestige. I tell you this to let you know, he wanted to see me before I left for my 3 week vacation. He took me to lunch and gave me a signed copy of one of his books. While on vacation we wrote one another. I wrote because I was becoming intriqued by him and even liking the attention.

 

Finally I took a chance and asked him if there was more to this friendship, because I was willing to explore it. He made it clear there was nothing and he felt nothing for me, that he just values his friends and puts time and effort into them. He told me he is looking for a wife and I do not fit that bill.Yet he emails me long letters (5-10 pages) that are not just letters, but complex works I must analyze to uncover the meaning.

 

My confusion is that he wants to get together with me again. I invited him over to my place for dinner. He accepted since he has never been there. Can someone please clarify for me a question I have? Is it possible that a man who just meets you, who is looking for love, can can fall in love with you as a friend only and devote so much energy into a friendship? Is this a friendship or a game? If you feel this is real I will take it as only a friendship, but somehow something feels unusual meaning, there is a great deal of sexual overtones to our conversations he claims are just jokes. I never been in a situation like this and wonder what my approach should be.

[honeyboobonnie]

May he is confused as to what he wants or is looking for. You did say yourself there is no chemistry. I do think that friends can become lovers. The more time you spend around a person, the more attractive or more intriguing they can become.

 

Do you think it is worth the time and effort you are putting into it already? That is only an answer you can decide.

[Samson]

Pad,

 

IMHO, it seems it is HE that is putting in what you think is a lot of effort.

 

If he is a professional writer, then the volume of email writing you receive from him might not be all that much effort for him.

[padparadscha]

Frankly, I am having a ball with him. I am attracted to his intellect and his way of making me feel important. There is a chemistry for me in that respect. Looks as I know can grow on a person. We play by email and by phone and I enjoy it so much and look forward to it. On my part, I would love to see what it would be like to kiss him. However, I know he feels what I do in terms of our conversations being dynamic and unusual. He has admitted that. He also says I am very strange and he finds that intriquing. I am strange! but as I said, he says there is nothing further there and I am wondering if it is possible a man with his background and his ability to meet people all the time simply because of who he is and what he does, could really only want a friendship. Do you think he is sincere or testing me? Or is he just having some entertainment until he meets the woman of his choice? He is looking for a wife, not a girlfriend. He has been married many times before. So I tend to be a bit cautious as to his intentions.

[Samson]

Sorry, one more thing I think might explain why he bothers at all to write although it might not be as much effort as you think:

 

YOU READ IT.

 

In fact, you bother to "analyze to uncover the meaning" of it.

 

He likes this about you.

 

Why not be friends since you have this symbionic relationship?

[padparadscha]

You are right Sampson, I never thought of it like that. After all he does write, me, not call me. Calls are rare. I better take him at his word and realize he is a slight tease.

[CurlyIam]

I think he is an intelligent man and he knows how to play his cards right. He felt you felt the lack of the chemistry and he is using his brain to make up for the missing physicall attraction.

 

Plus, he is the one who's making you ... wonder about him, which is another good thing. Call you? How can he possibly sweep you off your feet ovet the phone? How can he make you think about what he means, about how he is?

 

 

 

Maybe I'm a forever romantic girl, but I think he's doing the only thing a man in his position should do in order to get the girl. IMHO he is interessted, unless he's one of the little grey library mice who don't find the difference between a woman and a man all that interesting - I'm sure you understand what I mean...

 

Be sure to be reading the signs right !!!

 

Curly

 

P.S. I say he's a clever man.... think if that will do for you...

[Samson]

Ya know Curly, when I read your prose, I can actually hear your wonderful accent.

 

Well, I'll go before I weird myself out even more than I have already.

[moimeme]

Having had one of those 'little grey library mice', allow me to issue a caution. It is possible, albeit bizarre IMHO, for a guy to be all that and more to you and still have himself utterly convinced that it's friends only. He can, in fact, spend most if not all of his free time with you, including lengthy late-night phone calls after you've just left each other, buy you gifts and act in every way like someone courting you and still insist he's just a friend.

 

Why? Beats the heck out of me why anybody would want to act in almost every way like a suitor without actually being one. Unless he specifically says he's interested in you, don't bother trying to second-guess him. He'll stick to whatever slot he's decided to put your relationship in and may never change. This is an instance where actions appear to speak louder than words but only the words are worth attending to.

 

In short, don't get your hopes up. There have been a host of posts here about similar situations. They generally end up the same way - woman is left utterly flabbergasted when attentive, caring man acquires a gf. In my case, he wanted to continue the same relationship with me!

 

Best I can figure is that you provide a surrogate, pseudo-relationship for him to enjoy while he waits for the 'real' relationship to come along.

[CurlyIam]

I do believe we are second guessing here and it is best to wait untill you talk about this...

 

But to me, it's like: if he admits that he's interested in having a relationship, maybe the flavour will wear off for you and you won't find him that interesting after all... if he says he's not interested, you get frustrated and maybe decide to give up on his friendship.... in bothe cases he looses you!

 

So I guess you're a bit stuck untill he gets the confidence that you want him. Or at least that you know what you want when it comes to this relationship... btw, do you?

[padparadscha]

Now your both have me at a lost because I tend to not only read what moimeme is trying to get across, but I have a feeling that this is what I have on my hands. For I have had friends in the past who bought me expensive jewelry, gifts not even a boyfriend would buy unless he was with me for years, and spent too much time on the phone and writing me. Yet, the moment I returned their interest, they lost interest, the game was over. For them it was about the friendship, yet, they loved to tease and flirt never once touching me. The difference is this man did not have a chance to spend time with me and fall into that position, he was there before we ever met. We spoke by phone and after my second email to him, I instantly gained a friend. since we met through a dating service, I was expecting he would go his way and look for someone else, but he continued to be who he was when we first made contact showing the same amount of interest. I suppose I only questioned his intentions because for me, it seemed odd someone of his status would need a friend. I know he has friends all over the world.

 

As for CurlyIam, most men I meet tell me they can tell I like a challenge and all of them tell me what you have written. They say they are afraid to show me too much attention because they know I will lose interest in them. They claim I like challenges and to do things the “Normal” way will cause me to get bored and move on. Now I admit this statement is kind of accurate, but I have no clue how this man could detect that.

 

As for your question, that is a very good one. It is even difficult to answer CurlyIam. Being moimeme and I speak often she probably will absolutely kill me for I saying, “I want someone in my life to fill the void of loneliness and to be my bestfriend.” Ahhh there I go again saying friend. I want a friend, but I want the romance too. I think I see now, he knows how I feel and is being cautious. He knows and knew before meeting me I really joined this dating service looking for a friend. He knows I am at a turning point in my life where I want to experience more than a friendship, so he could be feeling he would be the person I wish to test if I am ready or not to make a change with and he is hesitating. I got it now. Thanks CurlyIam, I realize I did this. He is only giving me what I told him over and over I wanted because he knows I am not ready yet I want to make myself ready because I am lonely. YOUR RIGHT, EVERYONE SEES WHAT THEY ARE READY TO SEE!!!!