matthew89 Posted December 20, 2012 Posted December 20, 2012 well on new years eve it would have been our 4th year together, last week i come home from work to her packing her backs, we are a young couple and we where suppose to be moving away together after christmas, we have been living together for 2 years, she has told me that she has not been feeling good for a while and that after work she would sit in her car and cry, she never told me this before she ended it, money has been getting us down and i didnt show her the love that she deserves,i have spoke to her twice since she left and the way that we have spoken was amazing, we never spoke like that for the last we while of our relationship and i feel that if we did this could have all been avoided, i want that last chance to show her how much i love her, i want to treat her like a princess as that is how she deserves to be treated, i am devastated and can not live in this house without her as i done it all up when she was away working abroad and when she came back we moved in and where so happy together and it is all reminding me of her and it is tearing me apart, she told me last night that it is deffo over as she can not string me along untill she has got herself sorted out as she feels reelly down and i just want to help her through hard times like this, i want to hold her and tell her everything will be ok but i feel like i have pushed her so far away these last few months, i told her i would wait for her until the day that i die, she says she loves me to pieces, she also told me she misses me and this is breaking her heart, i just cant understand that if she feels like that how can she just walk away, i am so heartbroken and i will never get over it what do you think of the situation? any advice is welcome thanks
HaveFaithxx Posted December 20, 2012 Posted December 20, 2012 Hi, I am sorry that you are so heartbroken. I am feeling the exact same way too now. It's a hell. I think that you should not tell her that you are going to wait for her forever. It actually will ruin all chances that you have to get back together. She needs to see that you are moving on. Everybody here will tell you that. Years ago I was married, and when we seperated I thought it was the end of the world. I was heartbroken for years, and I was certain that I would never find someone like him again and fall in love with someone else. I thought I would love him until I die. I almost took my own life; it was that bad. Since then I have fallen in love twice. You will fall in love again! I know it doesn't seem possible, but it is. It happens all the time, so it will happen to you too. If you need to chat, Im here. Take care 1
MichiganMan222 Posted December 20, 2012 Posted December 20, 2012 Sounds eerily similar to what happened to me. First, she probably wrote off the relationship months ago and it took her this long to summons the courage to end it. It's very possible she still loves you. Women CAN love and leave someone. Her brain finally trumped her heart. I'm sure it was a painful decision and she's probably still struggling with it. Again, this happened to me almost word for word. If I had to do anything differently, I would've gone NC immediately. I didn't. My constant attempts to try talking her into changing her mind over and over actually helped her stay away. Had I gone NC, I firmly believe the sudden absence of my existence could've changed the outcome. I know through friends, she still loved me and was hurting bad. I think my pleading and begging was therapy for her to stay on track. One thing I got right, was I came to this forum and got a lot of support, explanation and clarity about what I was going through. It helped me heal much faster, so continue using this place! I'm so sorry for your loss and I wish you luck. It's a tough road, but it's not terminal. You will recover fully. Keep us posted. 2
Author matthew89 Posted December 20, 2012 Author Posted December 20, 2012 thanks for the replys, i know i need to give her the space she needs but it is so easy for me to contact her, i just cant help trying to speek to her, everyone has told me i will meet someone new but the thing with that is they will always be second best, she has a place in my heart that no girl will ever be able to reach, she is my first everything, not that i never had the chance with other girls, i was just not intrested in being with a girl untill i met her, she showed me how to live and how to love, she was over last night to talk to me and when i told her everything she said she wishes i told her all that before we broke up, i plannd on marriage, a family and us growing old together, we where so good togetger at one point and i just cant put that behind me, she is alot stronger than me and we both know that, she said she still wants to be friends as i am her best friend, after we spoke i felt good and understood everything she said but when i woke up this morning i felt worse than ever before
HaveFaithxx Posted December 20, 2012 Posted December 20, 2012 Hmmmm, you are very emotional now, so it is hard to believe anybody could match up to her. Maybe she will always have a special place in your heart, but you can still fall head over heals with someone else. I still have contact with my ex husband. He is probably the funniest, smartest, most charming guy I ever met. He is married now and has a child, but when I see him, I know that he cares about me so deeply. This morning I was talking to him, telling him how heartbroken over my recent breakup. I have have shared so much more with my ex husband and like I said, I wanted to die when I realized we would never get back together. But if I got to choose between him and my recent ex, I would choose my ex! I know this won't convince you, but over time you will. You will find someone just as wonderful, but in different ways. Blah....I have had anxiety attacks all day. I broke NC and now I am just staring at my computer screen waiting for him to reply....
Author matthew89 Posted December 20, 2012 Author Posted December 20, 2012 the thing that gets me down the most is that if she had told me how she was feeling this could have been avoided, i just wish i could go back and fix all this, its worse when she telle me we do not know what the future holds for us and the fact thats she says i wish i told her how i felt before she broke up with me, i need her in my life, the pain gets worse every day amd its only been 8 days so far
HaveFaithxx Posted December 20, 2012 Posted December 20, 2012 Yes, I feel exactly the same way with my ex, that the reason for our break up could be avoided too. But that says something because when you are really in love with someone, then you do whatever to make it work. For whatever reason, he wanted to end it instead of finding a solution. Thus, the real reason I believe is that his feelings weren't as strong even though he said that he loved me as much as he always has. I didn't contact him for 5 days. It felt like 5 months. I have slept 2 -4 hours a night. That's why I contacted him. I have to meet him and just lay it all out on the table. Even if it makes me seem pathetic and desperate, I need to do it to move on. I am sorry you feel so terrible. Wish I could say something that would make u feel a little better. It physically hurts for me too.
Chi townD Posted December 20, 2012 Posted December 20, 2012 the thing that gets me down the most is that if she had told me how she was feeling this could have been avoided, i just wish i could go back and fix all this, its worse when she telle me we do not know what the future holds for us and the fact thats she says i wish i told her how i felt before she broke up with me, i need her in my life, the pain gets worse every day amd its only been 8 days so far Dude, that's Bullsh*t. It sounds like she's putting the blame of the demise of your relationship squarely on your shoulders and that's not fair to you. Yeah, it could have been avoided if she would have opened her damn mouth and told you how she was feeling and then working on the issues TOGETHER! Instead of you coming home and being blindsided by the sight of her packing. You can take SOME of the blame for the relationship ending. 50% and she can own up to the other 50%. Don't take it all. Okay, now comes the hard part. She made a choice and that choice was to have you OUT of her life. So, you need to give her EXACTLY that. You need to start complete NC on her. She needs to know that you are no longer in her life. She needs to see what life is going to be like with you out of it. GO COMPLETELY DARK ON HER. Don't respond to anything. After 4 years, she probably going to want to be "friends" with you. YOU ARE NOT HER FRIEND! I'm sure that you didn't spend 4 years in a loving and committed relationship to take a step back and be nothing more than a friend to her. I'm sure you didn't picture that as an end result. Time to heal and move on dude. She made a choice and unfortunately, it wasn't you. 1
Author matthew89 Posted December 20, 2012 Author Posted December 20, 2012 i know exactly what you are saying about the NC and with the blame being from the both of us but i have lost her as a girlfriend and i cant lose her completly so i have to stay her friend, i dont have any real friends, she was my best friend and always will be, i know this wont help me move forward but as i said i can not lose her completly, i need her in my life one ay or another and i cant help but hope that when she gets better she will come tell me it was a mistake and she wants me back, i just want her to come into the house and put her arms around me and say she needs me back as much as i want her back, i am not going to lie but i would always take her back no matter what
Chi townD Posted December 20, 2012 Posted December 20, 2012 Well, this is an advice forum and you can do what you want. This isn't the letter of the law for relationships here. But, I will give you fair warning. And an idea about what you're going up against. You will become an emotional tampon for her. And someone to lean on. As soon as she finds someone else to take up that roll, you'll be kicked to the curb in a New York minute. Then, one day, you'll call her up and ask her out for coffee and she'll tell you that she can't because she has other plans. Only for you to find out that those plans are a date with someone else. How are you going to feel after that? Then, how are you going to feel when you see that she posts on her FB page that "she had a WONDERFUL time last night :D". And if a relationship happens to blossom from this and you see that she's posted a pic of her sitting in this guys lap and kissing him. How are you going to feel then? Because, those examples aren't just off the top of my head! They actually happened to people that post here thinking that they could be friends with their Ex's. And to be honest with you, they were a mess! That's why NC is soooo important. It's to protect you!
Author matthew89 Posted December 20, 2012 Author Posted December 20, 2012 when you put it like that it does hit home a bit and i know exactly where you are coming from, the main problem that we will have about the no contact is that we share the same friends (not that we had many friends) and having the m stuck in the middle in who to invite out when is not really fair, i will be trying not to contact her but if she contacts me i will not be able to help myself but reply back, even have a have a holliday booked for next year which i have no idea what we are going to do about, she will be over on sunday to get the rest of her stuff so i will just need to see what happens after that but i will try my hardest not to contact her for two reasons 1. is that she has asked for space nd i want to give her that incase she realises that she wants me 2.is that i need to try put her to the back of my mind so that i can get better i have decided to move back in with my parents for the time being (really dont want to) so that i can get myself back on my feet with cash and get out this hous that reminds me of her so much since it was all done for her
petrahouse Posted December 20, 2012 Posted December 20, 2012 Dude i broke up with my GF after living with her for 5 years She told me she loved me but it was how i treated her, which I agree but she was not perfect either. After a month of still seeing each other and crying I left for 6 months travelling in Africa. I tried to stay in touch but she just wanted to heal...so it was sporadic contact. I should have gone the whole six months and just cut her off. Although I came back three weeks ago, she would bring up the past and argue with me. Im completely chilled as not worked for 6 months. She then tells me she has been seeing someone for a couple of months and going on holiday with him in January. But hey im good with it. Then we go out at a mutual works drinks and get on like a house on fire...just like old time, then she blows cold, then we txt all the time, then shes cold. We are going out to dinner next weekend now. I honestly believe that if you have been ina long serious relationship it takes you ages to get past the emotions.....its a minefield. I really wish I had used my 6 months away to get completely over her with NC, but then we are out to dinner next week and I can still tell the spark when I am with her.Who knows but I do know you have to get over someone before you can ever think of getting back together otherwise you are in the old relationship and no matter how you see it,IT FAILED.....hope you get through it dude, there are up and down days but even the longest journeys will finish one day even if you take small steps all the way.
blotter Posted December 21, 2012 Posted December 21, 2012 Keep responding to her bread crumbs and you are going to turn yourself into her new gay best friend. Going strict NC, you at least have a chance of getting her back.
Author matthew89 Posted December 22, 2012 Author Posted December 22, 2012 she is coming over tomorrow to get her stuff as i am moving out the house, i am going to ask her to take me back and if it doesnt work i will accept it and know it is time to move on
ConfusedHumanBeing Posted December 23, 2012 Posted December 23, 2012 she is coming over tomorrow to get her stuff as i am moving out the house, i am going to ask her to take me back and if it doesnt work i will accept it and know it is time to move on If you do that, I PROMISE you it will fail!
Author matthew89 Posted December 23, 2012 Author Posted December 23, 2012 true but i can either accept that it is over now or ask her and if she says no then well it will still be over so i am not really losing anything
NoMoreJerks Posted December 23, 2012 Posted December 23, 2012 true but i can either accept that it is over now or ask her and if she says no then well it will still be over so i am not really losing anything or you could lay low and go NC and try to heal, and she might come back --apparently it's not attractive to the dumper's when we grovel and beg. I found that out too little too late, and now it's definitely over for me and my ex. And after all that, I don't even have my dignity intact. In retrospect, I would've preferred to keep my dignity even if groveling and begging would've won him over (temporarily). It would've been temporary anyway. 1
Author matthew89 Posted December 23, 2012 Author Posted December 23, 2012 yeah you are right, probs should not then, i am just so confused as i wanted to grow old with her, she is my first love and i wanted her forever the other problem i have is that i have christmas presents for her, do i give her them tomorrow then go NC? do i tell he i am going NC or do i just do it? i have never been in this situation before so honestly dont know what to do
mgce Posted December 23, 2012 Posted December 23, 2012 Please don't give her the gift. She'll see it as extremely awkward given everything that's transpired. It'll feel like pressure to her, that you're pushing the relationship again (even though you aren't), which will put her on the defensive. She'll relieve the awkwardness by dumping the gift. The gift is a symbol of your relationship and she does *not* want to be confronted with such symbols now; they only invite pain. I gave extremely thoughtful gifts to my last two exes after we broke up. Neither helped one bit. I'm on fantastic terms with one of those exes now (as friends), but it had nothing to do with the gift. 1
Author matthew89 Posted December 24, 2012 Author Posted December 24, 2012 well she was over tonight, took most of her stuff away (left th bigger stuff i said she can have from the house as she has no where to put it just now) she told me its deffo over, but when i said to her "is this 100% over?" she then said "i can not say that as i do not know what may happen in the future" i feel like it is finaly sinking in but its when she says stuff like this it makes me wonder what she is actually playing at!! its a strange situation, anyway i gave her the presents and she was happy with them, only thing she was not happy about was that i would not tell her how much i paid for the bracelet she wants to be friends with me!! i am just so confused with the whole thing she also took her cat away tonight which was hard as he was the only thing i had to keep me company at nights and through the day haha sad i know but i am only being honest i am also giving up the house we shared cause it was all done for her, going to move back in with my parents, as much as i dont want to i feel like i must to get myslef back together, just not sure if i am makinh the right choice or not?
denxnis Posted December 24, 2012 Posted December 24, 2012 It seems like these people gave you a lot of good advice and you didn't take it. Seems like there's no point in responding...
Don't Posted December 24, 2012 Posted December 24, 2012 Bro let her go you will meet someone better for sure in the future. Maybe this new person wool be better in different aspects. Trust me I have been in your shoes. My first when she left new I was a total wreck. I was thinking she was goddess perfect nice etc.. . I ruined my life because of her. Anxiety health issues, anti social life style, depression failure in school etc.. Then been single for almost the years met this girl much more beautiful and nice caring funner. We had great times for two and a half years. I loved her more then I did my first and when I looked back I asked to myself what was so special about my first that I ruined my life for. Now I know because my gf let's say ex broke up with me because of lost feelings and she cannot get them back I told her I want her happiness I cannot force her to love me but deep inside it's hurting me like crazy. We had great memories and we lived together pretty much had so much plans like you but HEY SHE DOESN'T WANT ME NO MORE WHY SHOULD I SPEND EFFORT FOR SOMETHING IMPOSSIBLE AND RUIN MY LIFE. I will find someone better who will accept and love me because of who I'm. I know it's hard but think good about yourself the girl who left you once used to love you. It's all about your ego be confident and keep busy do some activities try going to gatherings and parties etc.. . That's how you meet people. Cheers and good luck 1
LostOne1 Posted December 24, 2012 Posted December 24, 2012 Sounds eerily similar to what happened to me. First, she probably wrote off the relationship months ago and it took her this long to summons the courage to end it. It's very possible she still loves you. Women CAN love and leave someone. Her brain finally trumped her heart. I'm sure it was a painful decision and she's probably still struggling with it. Again, this happened to me almost word for word. If I had to do anything differently, I would've gone NC immediately. I didn't. My constant attempts to try talking her into changing her mind over and over actually helped her stay away. Had I gone NC, I firmly believe the sudden absence of my existence could've changed the outcome. I know through friends, she still loved me and was hurting bad. I think my pleading and begging was therapy for her to stay on track. One thing I got right, was I came to this forum and got a lot of support, explanation and clarity about what I was going through. It helped me heal much faster, so continue using this place! I'm so sorry for your loss and I wish you luck. It's a tough road, but it's not terminal. You will recover fully. Keep us posted. same thing happened to me and I did the same things you did.. She even had said it's a battle between her heart and mind and they both are pulling in different directions. She didn't know if she wanted to work it out or not. If I has pulled NC the 1st day, I think it would've shown she was going to really lose me. But begging and all makes it worse, because they SEE you are still around, and it buys them more time to think. But I'm glad we both have learned a lot.
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