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Feeling like a placeholder


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Posted

Hey Guys,

 

After 5yrs of being single, a man has come into my life.

 

Before we were intimate he said he doesn't have sex outside of a relationship.

 

He is British.

 

He is a nerdy/geeky gamer boy.

 

He isn't seeing anyone else, and hasn't seen anybody for the last 2 years.

 

Problem is I don't feel like he is into me. He never pays me any compliments. He never expresses any sort of emotion or excitement about seeing me or spending time together. We only go out, when I invite him. We are both broke so neither one of us have outlaid much money, but I have outlaid more than him.

 

We are already in a pattern:-

 

*We talk to each other, see each other, I start to warm to him and then after a couple days have sex.

*I message him, he doesn't respond.

*I give up and don't message him.

*A few days later he messages me, completely ignoring the messages I sent and acting like nothing happened.

 

and then the pattern repeats. I just start to feel like there could be something with this guy, and right at that moment he disappears. It is really draining for me. It makes me feel that he isn't really into me, and also that he has a lower sex drive than me. In the few days where I am purposely not messaging him, not only do I go cold for him, I also go through huge sexual withdrawal.

 

This has been going on for about a month now. And we were friends for about 6months before hand.

 

Do I say something? What do I say? Do I just end it with him?

 

I literally have no idea if he is into me, because he doesn't communicate it, but he does make an effort with the sex. The only time he has ever complimented my appearance was the first time we were about to have sex.

Posted

Be open about the lackluster affection you feel coming from this relationship. You remind me of my mother, who, having married a traditional oriental, feels greatly deprived of true affection and love from time to time. Tell him what you feel (or what you certainly do not feel and wish to) early on and thus make clear your intentions. As a guy who may feel he has nothing to worry about in keeping you, he may be doing what he considers "the bare minimum" in a relationship; something you probably deserve far more than.

 

If he refuses to rethink his behavior toward you, the decision is up to you, but I would leave him.

Posted

Any Guy is going to jump for sex. They probably will compliment you when you're about to give them some. He is boyish. Should take you out more. Should compliment you more.

 

Sounds too boyish. Either give him the choice to start being more loving or leave. Games or you.

 

Estoric is also right.

Posted

Be direct: "Did you get my message on Monday? Why didn't you respond?"

 

If you can't communicate with him, you can't have a relationship with him.

 

Sounds like he has low interest, or low social needs. Either way, it doesn't sound very fulfilling.

  • Like 4
  • Author
Posted

Thankyou everyone. It's nice to know I am not crazy. I will say something. I am not sure exactly what yet, as I don't want to be "knee-jerk" and emotional or rude. But I will bring it up tomorrow, and he can respond or not as he wishes.

Posted (edited)

Are you guys on the same page about this relationship?:confused:

 

I ask because you are routinely having sex but not going out on dates per se. The only time you do go out is when you initiate, and you are paying more than he is...at last that's what I gleaned from your OP. If I also understand you correctly, he contacts you when he's interested in meeting up again (for sex) but otherwise ignores your efforts to communicate.

 

If the above is true, you have an FWB/FB, not a boyfriend. Is that what you're looking for? If not, cut the gravy train, break up, and go find someone who wants to date you. While there are certainly guys who will love you but not be verbally expressive about their fondness for you, I don't think that's his issue. He's just not interested in you as a girlfriend, but he's happy to have a reliable sex partner on demand.

Edited by Cutiepie1976
  • Like 3
Posted

The Pie has spoken!

  • Like 1
Posted

I agree with other posters here--you're going to have talk to him about this.

 

I'm so happy you met someone, Titantia, even he doesn't turn out to be the one. I think you needed some male attention in your life. Best of luck. :)

  • Author
Posted

Hey guys,

 

Below is what I have come up with. I am really not sure about it, and would appreciate if you could help edit it for me. I can't sleep tonight until I have figured this out and sent it off. So please respond asap. :)

 

I have absolutely no idea how you feel about me. I get the feeling that you are not that into me and that I am just a placeholder for you.

 

Urban Dictionary: Place-holder

 

If you would pay me compliments or express some sort of emotion or excitement about the time we spend together or send me some sort of token messages just to let me know I am in your thoughts then I would have some cause to feel secure that my affection for you is returned.

A man who was into me, wouldn't be able to help doing any or all of these things.

 

Maybe you think because of my age, I should be happy to settle for the little you are offering, but I would rather be single then to settle for a man who can't return the passion I have to offer.

 

Posted
Hey guys,

 

Below is what I have come up with. I am really not sure about it, and would appreciate if you could help edit it for me. I can't sleep tonight until I have figured this out and sent it off. So please respond asap. :)

 

I have absolutely no idea how you feel about me. I get the feeling that you are not that into me and that I am just a placeholder for you.

 

Urban Dictionary: Place-holder

 

If you would pay me compliments or express some sort of emotion or excitement about the time we spend together or send me some sort of token messages just to let me know I am in your thoughts then I would have some cause to feel secure that my affection for you is returned.

A man who was into me, wouldn't be able to help doing any or all of these things.

 

Maybe you think because of my age, I should be happy to settle for the little you are offering, but I would rather be single then to settle for a man who can't return the passion I have to offer.

 

Tell him want you need, but avoid accusatory language like the bolded.

 

FWIW, my ex was like the man you describe. I wasn't a placeholder; he just wasn't able to express emotion.

  • Author
Posted

I hear you cutiepie, but to be honest I am not much of a going out person, and I have spent more time with him not having sex, then having sex. He never pressures me for sex either. And before we were having sex he was calling me and wanting to see me every 2nd day without fail. But from the moment we did have sex, that changed, which makes me wonder about his labido as much as anything. Not many guys would be too happy going 2yrs without sex, but I think if I hadn't made a move in the first place, he would still be trucking along happily in his celibacy.

 

I do think he is non-communicative, and that is the main problem. If you are right though, it will be ending soon.

 

I agree with other posters here--you're going to have talk to him about this.

 

I'm so happy you met someone, Titantia, even he doesn't turn out to be the one. I think you needed some male attention in your life. Best of luck. :)

 

Thankyou Iris, I think the fact that he has been the first one in 5yrs who seemed to be interested in more than just casual sex, has made me be patient and give him a decent try, since I was really unsure, but didn't want to reject prematurely.

  • Author
Posted
Tell him want you need, but avoid accusatory language like the bolded.

 

FWIW, my ex was like the man you describe. I wasn't a placeholder; he just wasn't able to express emotion.

 

Thanks Iris again :)

  • Like 1
Posted

Titania,

 

I don't think it's healthy for you to be focusing on this guy to this extent. I agree that communication is good, but if he isn't into you as a relationship prospect (and it really sounds like he isn't) then no amount of communication will change that. Talk to him, send that message (I would ditch the last line, though, it sounds rather presumptive. Just go with an open question, ie "What do you think?"), but don't worry yourself over this til you can't sleep. It really isn't worth it, not at this point.

  • Author
Posted

I sent it without the bolded, over skype and he is online. So far no response. I guess i will go back to bed and deal with any fallout tomorrow.

Posted
You remind me of my mother, who, having married a traditional oriental, feels greatly deprived of true affection and love from time to time.

 

FWIW, my ex was like the man you describe. I wasn't a placeholder; he just wasn't able to express emotion.

 

I disagree that this is about being unable to express emotion. Even people who don't wear their hearts on their sleeve will make their interest known if they are really interested; my bf is one such person (a traditional orient, if you will :laugh:). He does not express his love through heartfelt declarations or flowery compliments, but when he is interested, it's unmistakable. He would ask me out, want to spend time with me (before we even had sex), want to treat me on our dates, want to talk to me. I've observed other similar men and they are the same when they are really interested in a girl. Different people have different ways of expressing interest, but regardless you WILL know if they are. If this guy's interest is so lacklustre at the beginning, assuming you continue on with him, how would it be 2 years down the road? I shudder to think.

  • Like 2
Posted

Wake up! He's using you for sex because you made it easy for him to get it. You developed a pattern with him: you text him, you meet up with him and then you have sex. It's always you initiating and meeting him. Stop it!

 

You deserve more and no amount of expressing your feelings to him is going to make him rethink about treating you any better.

 

If you value yourself, you wouldn't be with him.

Posted (edited)

Holy crap, OP, are you dating my ex? He was British, geeky/nerdy, hadn't been in a relationship for 2 years, told me he didn't have sex outside relationships, and pulled the same **** on me as this guy is pulling on you. He's just having a little bit of fun at your expense. He is one of those "unavailable" men who want the sex but not the emotional baggage that might come with relationships. Cut him loose. And by that I mean, stop messaging him. Stop answering his texts/phone calls. Just disappear without any explanation. If he keeps calling you, ignore. If he persists and it starts bothering you, change your number (if you can). You've given him one month too many to get his act together. For all I know, you can give him 10 more years and he won't change one iota. There is no use saying anything to him. He is most likely a narcissist who will turn things against you, or drop you like a hot pot the minute you criticize him or express an opinion he does not like. He will probably tell you "he doesn't need this drama" and break up with you (mostly bluffing, though). You can call his bluff, and break up with him, but he will come back and get you to take him back -- but what difference does it make if you take him back? It will be the same thing all over again... Do not waste your breath or energy on this guy. Give him all the space in the world, by moving on to someone who pays sufficient attention and doesn't just text/call you when he is bored.

Edited by NoMoreJerks
Posted

It doesn't sound like he's deceiving you in any way. He seems to be someone who can take it or leave it, whether it's sex, a relationship, dates, a girlfriend. He doesn't care one way or the other, he doesn't NEED anything from other people. It's up to you to decide if you get something out of the relationship or not. Don't try to change him.

Posted

I think you kind off are no offense. Your the girl he has casual sex with while he's looking for the girl he wants to have a serious relationship with. He'll drop you as soon he finds that woman.

  • Author
Posted

Well I guess it's probably over now, we have ended up having a typing argument over skype, and then he disappeared because he was "too angry". And at one point he even wrote "I am so offended right now".

 

And i just took a short walk, and I feel fantastic. I have felt crap for 2days, and spent much of it worried about how or whether to communicate my needs. And now I tried, it was completely and totally lost on him. And instead it became him pushing and pushing me to communicate more to him, and it is really hard to walk the line between not lying and not hurting someone, and he pushed and pushed until i said something that offended him.

 

I feel like i have made it so he doesn't want to be with me, and that is awesome, because then he can believe it was his decision. I love it when that happens.

 

Thankyou for everyones responses.

  • Like 1
Posted
Well I guess it's probably over now, we have ended up having a typing argument over skype, and then he disappeared because he was "too angry". And at one point he even wrote "I am so offended right now".

 

And i just took a short walk, and I feel fantastic. I have felt crap for 2days, and spent much of it worried about how or whether to communicate my needs. And now I tried, it was completely and totally lost on him. And instead it became him pushing and pushing me to communicate more to him, and it is really hard to walk the line between not lying and not hurting someone, and he pushed and pushed until i said something that offended him.

 

I feel like i have made it so he doesn't want to be with me, and that is awesome, because then he can believe it was his decision. I love it when that happens.

 

Thankyou for everyones responses.

Yup: just as I had predicted: "He is most likely a narcissist who will turn things against you, or drop you like a hot pot the minute you criticize him or express an opinion he does not like."

 

Mine also deleted me off Skype. When, for a week and a half I did not contact him after he broke up with me after we had a talk, he texted me and 2 days later, called me. By then, though, he had deleted me off Skype. He didn't think I could tell that he had deleted me, and thought he could get away with adding me back without me even realizing it. You can tell if he's deleted you off Skype if you see a small question mark in front of his name where his online/offline status would be... I also realized that he had blocked me for weeks on Skype -- I had sent him a mssg while he was offline, and then had gone into "invisible" mode -- I saw him delete me (I saw it change into a question mark), but he wasn't even appearing online then. The only possible explanation is that I was already blocked, so I couldn't even see him come online.

 

We are better off without d*ckbags like these... Break-up is the best possible thing that could happen in situations like these.

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