Imported Posted December 21, 2012 Posted December 21, 2012 Why is it wrong if she and the guy/s she's having sex with are in the same page and want the same thing? As long as no one is being fooled or misled, all is fair. She said she "doesn't value these men at all". Sounds like, not only doesn't she not like them, but she might even dislike them. That is wrong. You don't value someone, don't be around them, sure as **** don't have sex with them. And sex for loneliness, really. I have casual sex, with women I like and I do it for fun. Lonely? I don't know, I almost never feel lonely, especially when I am alone.
ascendotum Posted December 21, 2012 Posted December 21, 2012 (edited) I think you need to start only going out with men who seem like good matches for you, not just some random dude from OLD who doesn't seem that bad. This means being more discriminating if you're going to do OLD or not dating for awhile. I don't think you're too picky; it sounds like you're not picky enough. I would have thought these 'dont touch my kitty' guys are more than just random dudes. If she is like most half decent 30s something women on OLD she'll be getting a bucket load of msgs in her inbox each week. I expect that these guys have been selected as the pick of the crop...and by the time they have the green light for a visit back to her place they have already passed muster in her eyes and rated much more than random. But then I read this.."And yes, I don't value these men at all. I don't think they are special in any way and they are only there as a temporary fix." lol. that's kind of bleak ES that you cannot even find one of these guys that rate better than this ^. Chuck in OLD for a while and just re ignite it with your best fwb while you look at other outings to meet guys along the lines of advice that are given to the guys on here. I think its a little kooky, but kind of qwerky kooky. If it makes her feel at ease, no harm. If she told her date guys what she wrote in the OP, some would think she's wacky and others would think its a little qwerky but be fine with it (whatever does not distract the better) Edited December 21, 2012 by ascendotum
Brit Posted December 21, 2012 Posted December 21, 2012 A man with a cat is a complete deal breaker for me. Cats are not much for cuddling, and that creepy winding around your ankles is nerve racking, and not to forget the odd raspy inner gurgle/purring, whatever the heck it is....it is creepy. They always have the look of a lion, and hatred of humans, ready to pounce or swipe claws.
Ninjainpajamas Posted December 21, 2012 Posted December 21, 2012 I think people are missing the point here, and I think they'd understand it a little more if they put it into the right context...something they could relate to. First let's start off with casual sex. Most people aren't exactly holding out for the "right one" these days, nor are many being all that selective at times with who they sleep with, and i think people exaggerate that criteria to make them feel a little more in control and less "dirty". I hear a lot of people like to state "well I just don't sleep with "anyone", yet what is it that you think makes these people different or more special from everyone walking around out there? have they never disappointed you? have they never turned out to be "douchebags" or "damaged women with daddy issues"? nothing really separates these people as much as you'd like to think, It's just people feeling like they're having some kind of criteria and expectation with who they sleep with...then everyone likes to stand on their soapbox and state "I only sleep with people I really like...or that I'm really into...or that I have strong emotions for...or because I sleep with 1 out of every 10 guys that talk to me obviously that means I'm "picky" yet you're still single now and I'm sure that next "special" person is magically right around the corner. What a coincidence! My point here is, for a lot of people casual sex is just casual. Human body slamming into human body for the sake of getting off and pretending you're sharing at least some shred of human intimacy and connection with someone "significant"....yet low and behold, one day that person is merely a footnote in the pages of your sexual history and you're on to the next...bravo! So what does it really take and mean for many people sleeping with others these days? in the bigger picture...pretty much absolutely nothing. Now to the real "mushy" picture here...people have different lines to determine intimacy...some people find casual sex not a very intimate process, some people feel intimacy in sex, some can differentiate between the two while others have no choice...some people don't even like their bodies, love themselves or feel it's the right to share it with whom ever they'd like and there is no consequence nor do it just for the sake of sex itself. Some people do it to belong, feel loved, some kind of validation and attention...maybe cure the loneliness, to distract that broken heart from men/women of the past and other times just because you don't give a F anymore or it's just fun. Some do it to hurt others merely so they do not have to be hurt or be the victim anymore. ES at least to me, seems to have divided the physical with the emotional...casual sex is ok and not very connecting or an intimate process, it's just a fix for her to deal with her possible low insecurity and constant need for validation but she protects her heart the entire time. Maybe she enjoys the attention in that moment but the prospect of something real and valid scares her far to much to invest beyond a certain line, she even picks men that usually can't provide what she's looking for...it's less risky and easier to let go of. Emotionally her cat is beyond her line and she does not take that very lightly, this is something that has meaning and value for her on and emotional level and when these men who are on the "outside" cross that line its like they're reaching beyond the bubble of this superficial cyclical process of where these men reside, or more like "belong"...they are only allowed in sectors that she's permitted them to fulfill...something that is likely not too close to comfort. As long as she keeps these worlds separate and within their confinements she feels more in control, less vulnerable and less uneasy. Most people do this and have their own lines, for some it is family, other its in sentimental objects, others in places and experiences....everyone has something where they are feeling like when something becomes apart of that, it means more...its more significant, and for most these days it's not sex. Sex is something easy to do for many, easy to indulge in that moment for what it is, they know the deal and the act, It's like a dance of pleasure but nothing more. People protect their hearts and vulnerabilities, especially to things they do not trust, as long as people can differentiate and keep those lines distinct and clear...they can continue on living life like they are control....notice your own patterns and methods of accomplishing what ES does, it's all psychological, emotional and most importantly "human", when the wires are crossed or we don't understand that then it becomes "weird" and of course some people are in deeper trouble than others but chances are you're "crazy" too. The biggest issue is people in general lack the self-awareness to see them as others do rather than they see themselves, lack the wisdom to tell what is significant, and what is not and why, and lack the experience and understanding to know what to do in order to fix it once they figure it out...in which what you have figured out may just be a slice of the bigger pie so far.
Brit Posted December 21, 2012 Posted December 21, 2012 I think people are missing the point here, and I think they'd understand it a little more if they put it into the right context...something they could relate to. First let's start off with casual sex. Most people aren't exactly holding out for the "right one" these days, nor are many being all that selective at times with who they sleep with, and i think people exaggerate that criteria to make them feel a little more in control and less "dirty". I hear a lot of people like to state "well I just don't sleep with "anyone", yet what is it that you think makes these people different or more special from everyone walking around out there? have they never disappointed you? have they never turned out to be "douchebags" or "damaged women with daddy issues"? nothing really separates these people as much as you'd like to think, It's just people feeling like they're having some kind of criteria and expectation with who they sleep with...then everyone likes to stand on their soapbox and state "I only sleep with people I really like...or that I'm really into...or that I have strong emotions for...or because I sleep with 1 out of every 10 guys that talk to me obviously that means I'm "picky" yet you're still single now and I'm sure that next "special" person is magically right around the corner. What a coincidence! My point here is, for a lot of people casual sex is just casual. Human body slamming into human body for the sake of getting off and pretending you're sharing at least some shred of human intimacy and connection with someone "significant"....yet low and behold, one day that person is merely a footnote in the pages of your sexual history and you're on to the next...bravo! So what does it really take and mean for many people sleeping with others these days? in the bigger picture...pretty much absolutely nothing. Now to the real "mushy" picture here...people have different lines to determine intimacy...some people find casual sex not a very intimate process, some people feel intimacy in sex, some can differentiate between the two while others have no choice...some people don't even like their bodies, love themselves or feel it's the right to share it with whom ever they'd like and there is no consequence nor do it just for the sake of sex itself. Some people do it to belong, feel loved, some kind of validation and attention...maybe cure the loneliness, to distract that broken heart from men/women of the past and other times just because you don't give a F anymore or it's just fun. Some do it to hurt others merely so they do not have to be hurt or be the victim anymore. ES at least to me, seems to have divided the physical with the emotional...casual sex is ok and not very connecting or an intimate process, it's just a fix for her to deal with her possible low insecurity and constant need for validation but she protects her heart the entire time. Maybe she enjoys the attention in that moment but the prospect of something real and valid scares her far to much to invest beyond a certain line, she even picks men that usually can't provide what she's looking for...it's less risky and easier to let go of. Emotionally her cat is beyond her line and she does not take that very lightly, this is something that has meaning and value for her on and emotional level and when these men who are on the "outside" cross that line its like they're reaching beyond the bubble of this superficial cyclical process of where these men reside, or more like "belong"...they are only allowed in sectors that she's permitted them to fulfill...something that is likely not too close to comfort. As long as she keeps these worlds separate and within their confinements she feels more in control, less vulnerable and less uneasy. Most people do this and have their own lines, for some it is family, other its in sentimental objects, others in places and experiences....everyone has something where they are feeling like when something becomes apart of that, it means more...its more significant, and for most these days it's not sex. Sex is something easy to do for many, easy to indulge in that moment for what it is, they know the deal and the act, It's like a dance of pleasure but nothing more. People protect their hearts and vulnerabilities, especially to things they do not trust, as long as people can differentiate and keep those lines distinct and clear...they can continue on living life like they are control....notice your own patterns and methods of accomplishing what ES does, it's all psychological, emotional and most importantly "human", when the wires are crossed or we don't understand that then it becomes "weird" and of course some people are in deeper trouble than others but chances are you're "crazy" too. The biggest issue is people in general lack the self-awareness to see them as others do rather than they see themselves, lack the wisdom to tell what is significant, and what is not and why, and lack the experience and understanding to know what to do in order to fix it once they figure it out...in which what you have figured out may just be a slice of the bigger pie so far. I am happy you cleared this up for us. I am the same way with my ant farm and men wanting to peer into the glass, confusing the worker ants with their intrusive stares, parlaying them from their instinctive job duties. I feel this is overstepping a huge boundary, emotionly becoming intimate and crossing the line majorly.
MrCastle Posted December 21, 2012 Posted December 21, 2012 I am thinking you don't have a cat. My cat does not like to be alone--and that is a myth about cats. They desire companionship. Just because they won't eat 3 bowls of food left out over a weekend in one sitting (like a dog would) doesn't mean they want to be alone. My cat can't "take or leave" me, any more than a dog can take or leave you. I will write a song about a cat, perhaps it could be the first My cat knows when I am sad, she won't leave my side when she senses it. She runs to greet me when I come home. She sleeps with me (on her own accord) every night. She cries at the door when she is outside and wants to come home! Why are people so cold-hearted to cats?! ANYWAY, ES, I think it's kinda mean to lock your cat in a separate room if guys are over, doesn't kitty scratch and whine at the door? If your cat is cool with being locked in another room then I guess it's fine. I don't date like you do, but in a way I get your feelings....I wouldn't feel weird with a guy cuddling my cat, I'd be glad cause my cat is a cuddlebug and she'd be digging the attention! I would though be wary of any man that my cat didn't like. Cats don't have **** on dogs. Bomb sniffing dogs, drug sniffing dogs, guard dogs, st. bernards, search and rescue dogs, dogs for the blind, come on. They're man's best friend for a reason.
movingon12 Posted December 21, 2012 Posted December 21, 2012 I had 2 cats which I absolutely ADORED. They were my babies. I loved them to bits and was distraught when I had to give them up. Having said that, I had no issue with people touching them. I do find it odd that you would cringe if a man cuddled your cat, but the same man could cuddle you and that would be OK. Especially as you say you don't value these men at all. It's almost as though these men are good enough for you, but not good enough for your cat. Which is strange. I don't think it is the same as introducing someone to your family, because the cat isn't going to care whether he meets this guy again. Or make judgements. Or need an explanation if the guy doesn't come round again. The man isn't going to feel as though he needs to make a good impression on your cat, or feel pressure to 'perform' for your cat if he wants to continue dating you. I suppose I'm saying if you don't like the guy enough to let him touch your cat, are you really going to like him enough to enjoy dating him?
Sugarkane Posted December 21, 2012 Posted December 21, 2012 Lol there are websites of cute guys with cats. I want to make my screen saver on my phone a pic of my bf and his cat. The cats like me so much they jump on the bed, when I was having sex with my bf. Needless to say I closed the door after that. His cats are pervs!
Wunlov3 Posted December 21, 2012 Posted December 21, 2012 Also, I like a lot of advice I got here. I am ignoring the "You are crazy" posts. I do think people who said that cat is close to my heart got it right. I feel like I don't have any emotional connection with these men so them cuddling my cat feels weird. Like they have access to the part of me that they shouldn't have. And yes, I don't value these men at all. I don't think they are special in any way and they are only there as a temporary fix for my loneliness. This thread also illustrates why I don't connect to many people. It's like most people don't have enough emotional depth to get my complex feelings. People that jump to "you are weird and crazy" bandwagon. They are only capable of getting surface emotions and anything more than that weirds them out. You do not value these men because you do not value yourself. Like attracts like. You need to seriously get in touch with who you are as a person, ES. You DESERVE healthy relationships. Delete your OLD account. 2
Pompom Posted December 21, 2012 Posted December 21, 2012 I honestly find it weird, too. I'm happy when I see men I like, actually approaching and interact with my pets. Having 7 of them in a closed 2nd floor apartment, I don't take this positive response for granted at all. 1
Disenchantedly Yours Posted December 21, 2012 Posted December 21, 2012 By the way: There is an old saying that goes like this: Women with cats are unfaithful. Women with dogs are faithful. Yeah but what about women with cats AND dogs. ES, I agree with what James said..your cat is an extention of you. Although you do seem to show more respect to your cat then yourself if you are discriminate about who touches your cat but not about who touches you. Something to really think about!
venusianx13 Posted December 21, 2012 Posted December 21, 2012 I thought about this for a while, and I think I might understand you... but correct me if I'm wrong. Just as you wouldn't want some dude you just met to touch and handle your child (if you had one, as I do, so I understand this feeling)...you don't want random dudes touching and handling your kitty, who you may very well see as your child?
Imported Posted December 21, 2012 Posted December 21, 2012 I thought about this for a while, and I think I might understand you... but correct me if I'm wrong. Just as you wouldn't want some dude you just met to touch and handle your child (if you had one, as I do, so I understand this feeling)...you don't want random dudes touching and handling your kitty, who you may very well see as your child? OP, do you dress your cat up in baby clothes and push him around at the park in a stroller? Do you buy clothing for your cat? Cats don't get attached to guys a girl brings home. Kids do. I only had one experience with a girl that had a child. I didn't even date her, did nothing with her, she just kept on trying to hang around me with her daughter. Her daughter got attached really fast and there was nothing going on between me at the mom. The mom finally ask me to go on a date, with her daughter right there and I declined. Her daughter just broke down into tears, it was very sad and I felt awful. Yes, keep kids out of it, but cats are not kids.
iris219 Posted December 21, 2012 Posted December 21, 2012 I don't think you are weird. Not that I will care if a guy meets my dog. However I don't really allow guys who I am not in a relationship to come to my house, when I lived alone. So I can agree on the aspect of not sharing my life wth guys I am seeing casually. I'm the same way and I think this is very similar to what ES is doing. I try to be ready when a man comes to pick me up, so that I can just walk out the door. I never invite them in. The thought of a man I don't know well walking into my house, sitting on my couch, and drinking out of my glasses makes me very uncomfortable. I avoid this at all costs. My house is my sanctuary and I don't want random dudes in it messing up the energy. We all have boundaries and while some of them seem weird to other people, they make sense to us. The guy I dated at the beginning of the year liked to wander around my house, much to my chagrin. (I used to have to let him in because if I didn't, he would stand on my porch singing and talking to himself.) He had a hard time standing still and one time I found him in my spare bedroom touching things. This really bothered me; I screamed at him and hurt his feelings. BUT, on the other hand, I liked that he took it upon himself to break down this barrier that I had imposed. The fact that he wanted to see my house and be a part of my life in that way made me feel like he cared about me. I wonder how ES would feel if a man insisted on meeting her cat. Would she in some way appreciate his interest in something that has so much meaning to her?
Nyla Posted January 4, 2013 Posted January 4, 2013 It's funny when my cat keeps trying to sit in between me and a guy on the couch They do get jealous. Any cat I have had will insert herself between me and any man around. You need to get some help for your self-esteem problems and intimacy difficulties.
ChessPieceFace Posted January 4, 2013 Posted January 4, 2013 OP your perspective makes me cringe. Throwing out an idea here: Perhaps you have become so damaged in human relationships that you no longer see human affection as genuine. But you see your cat's affection as genuine. So if the man tries to participate in that affection, you get jealous / afraid of losing it or having it tainted in some way. I dunno, not a psychologist, just something that popped into my head.
TakeItEasy Posted January 4, 2013 Posted January 4, 2013 I cringed when they cuddled my cat. Perhaps try and appreciate the fact that they're showing interest in your cat. I love my cat so much and my partner doesn't quite as much. This isn't so much an issue for me but I imagine it would be for you. If the man likes your cat and you cat likes the man then he may be a keeper.
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