Transmission Posted December 20, 2012 Posted December 20, 2012 This one has really got me stumped. I started talking to this super sweet guy who I met on OKC about a month ago. I’m 34 and he’s 32. He’s perfect on paper, AND I’m attracted to him, but I’m missing that spark. Its weird because I dig him physically, but his personality just isn’t what I know I need in a man. He’s not funny, fun, flirty or witty. He works in IT, and despite being hot, probably is no different from the self-esteem lacking nerdy guys I have dated all too much. The issue is that he is so sweet, attentive, romantic, and fits all of the checks on my man wishlist, which I never expected to be able to find in the rural area where I live. Its superficial criteria, but, you know, something you compile in your head when figuring out what you want and don’t want. He has a Masters degree like me, has a high position at a great job and is pretty loaded (usually I date guys who make half of what I do), doesn’t see the point in casual encounters because he needs an emotional connection before sex, is attentive, family oriented, wants to talk about feelings and that sort of crap for hours on end. Seriously, the 13 year old me would have eaten this stuff up. But I think by this point I’m a little too jaded. When we had sex the first time (but the second go around) he wanted to just hold me & cuddle during foreplay and well I wanted foreplay. I flat out told him what to do with his hands and said in joking way “enough with this romantic crap” which kind of sums up my attitude toward that style of affection. But then again, he totally senses my trepidations and tries to adjust himself, eg. slapping my butt in a way to seem more traditionally male sexual because he thinks that's what I want (I sort of do, but its so not him), suggesting different phone times when I was hesitant about our nightly calls getting in the way of my routine, basically he's way too considerate which I perceive as needy. A little background about me, I really have not been in a long-term relationship, at least since college. I have though had numerous 2 month or less “relationships” if you would call them that, with about an equal amount of me rejecting and the guy rejecting. This is to do with me being a little overweight, living in NYC most of my 20’s, and then moving upstate to buy a place while still working in the city and going to grad school. Basically I was out of the dating game for a good 5 years up until a year and half ago when I started doing the online thing. Since then I have gone on a bunch of dates, with all sorts of fellas. Fallen really hard for two, who I had that insane chemistry with, but one was actually crazy and on a few psychiatric meds and the other not all of a catch in hindsight. But they both screwed me over and I walked away vowing I would never let myself be so naïve again. Mostly, though I am the one doing the rejecting (but always respectfully and kindly). Guys get caught up big time in the beginning, more so than women I believe. I think because I am not nervous when getting to know new men, and give off an easygoing vibe, guys feel comfortable talking to me and they take that as a connection. The thing is that its that way every guy I go on dates with. When I started talking to the guy I am seeing now, I had been in the groove of having fun with casual dating, and had gone on two dates in one day just the week before. So the new guy is super fast tracking our relationship. Even on the first date it was talk about “if we were together” when I knew he meant “now that we are together”. On the third date, a week later (last Sunday) he officially asked me to be his gf, and then did the whole facebook status thing which really freaked me out, but my perspective is that I am the weirdo with issues and this is how things are done. He’s been engaged twice (he broke it off both times, a 2 yr & 6 yr relationship), and my lack of relationships sort of makes me question how things should progress. I know it is going too fast though. For gods sake as I am writing this he called and during the conversation brought up that his mom was planning their family cruise next summer and asked if I would be able to get time off to go. Still, he calls me every day, I don’t have to worry about security or ambiguity, like does he like me or not, will he cheat on me etc. At least as far as I know. I seem sort of ridiculous to myself going along with his narrative about us, it has only been a 2 weeks since our first date. And I also know that he is probably just really lonely and the kind of guy who needs to have a gf to feel whole. Seriously, he hardly knows me, how can he be so sure of our future together? I guess my question is, what is wrong with me? I am not getting any younger, and I have a sweet, stable, attractive guy who is totally into me. In another post here on LS recently, something stuck with me, that a guy in his early 30’s with his sh*t together and eager to commit is the equivalent in the dating world to a 22 yr old hot chick, both at the pinnacle of desirability. Frickin unicorns or something. I am hoping he really has a personality that’s not completely boring and is just sort of too nervous to reveal it. Maybe if I engage him in more intellectual conversations or as we get to know each other more, or share day-to-day lives, I’ll begin to see him in a different light. Or is the one thing you should never settle for someone without a compatible personality and who makes you laugh? Maybe I am the funny, witty one in the relationship and he brings other things to the table? I have two game plans, either I should get back out there dating sooner than later, knowing full well that the chances of finding that person who I can have that banter with, who possesses even ONE of the good qualities of this guy are super slim. Or I stick it out for a few months and he either grows on me or I at least get to know how I deserve to be treated by a man and how to be a good gf. Thoughts?
MrCastle Posted December 20, 2012 Posted December 20, 2012 My thoughts are; you started dating two weeks ago and are already exclusive? What is that about?? Is this an age thing? I'm 25 and two weeks after the first date we're still at the feeling each other out stages, very far from any talk of being exclusive. Anyway, chemistry can't be forced. Whether physical or personality wise, when you click, you don't have to second guess anything. You can try to force yourself to make a connection but I think ultimately it will just prolong the inevitable.
Lonely Ronin Posted December 20, 2012 Posted December 20, 2012 Is this an age thing? I'm 25 and two weeks after the first date we're still at the feeling each other out stages, very far from any talk of being exclusive. I've never talked about it that early, but It's just kind of happened that early. It's one of the side effects of meeting someone you really click with, you learn a lot about, and get very comfortable with each other in a short period of time.
MrCastle Posted December 20, 2012 Posted December 20, 2012 I've never talked about it that early, but It's just kind of happened that early. It's one of the side effects of meeting someone you really click with, you learn a lot about, and get very comfortable with each other in a short period of time. If I'm getting this right, in this scenario she didn't immediately click. Just sort of agreed to be exclusive and that was that. Yet she's still in guessing mode as far as what her feelings are.
Lonely Ronin Posted December 20, 2012 Posted December 20, 2012 If I'm getting this right, in this scenario she didn't immediately click. Just sort of agreed to be exclusive and that was that. Yet she's still in guessing mode as far as what her feelings are. yea, that's what it sound like to me as well. 2
plainjane79 Posted December 20, 2012 Posted December 20, 2012 This one has really got me stumped. I started talking to this super sweet guy who I met on OKC about a month ago. I’m 34 and he’s 32. He’s perfect on paper, AND I’m attracted to him, but I’m missing that spark. Its weird because I dig him physically, but his personality just isn’t what I know I need in a man. He’s not funny, fun, flirty or witty. He works in IT, and despite being hot, probably is no different from the self-esteem lacking nerdy guys I have dated all too much. The issue is that he is so sweet, attentive, romantic, and fits all of the checks on my man wishlist, which I never expected to be able to find in the rural area where I live. Its superficial criteria, but, you know, something you compile in your head when figuring out what you want and don’t want. He has a Masters degree like me, has a high position at a great job and is pretty loaded (usually I date guys who make half of what I do), doesn’t see the point in casual encounters because he needs an emotional connection before sex, is attentive, family oriented, wants to talk about feelings and that sort of crap for hours on end. Seriously, the 13 year old me would have eaten this stuff up. But I think by this point I’m a little too jaded. When we had sex the first time (but the second go around) he wanted to just hold me & cuddle during foreplay and well I wanted foreplay. I flat out told him what to do with his hands and said in joking way “enough with this romantic crap” which kind of sums up my attitude toward that style of affection. But then again, he totally senses my trepidations and tries to adjust himself, eg. slapping my butt in a way to seem more traditionally male sexual because he thinks that's what I want (I sort of do, but its so not him), suggesting different phone times when I was hesitant about our nightly calls getting in the way of my routine, basically he's way too considerate which I perceive as needy. A little background about me, I really have not been in a long-term relationship, at least since college. I have though had numerous 2 month or less “relationships” if you would call them that, with about an equal amount of me rejecting and the guy rejecting. This is to do with me being a little overweight, living in NYC most of my 20’s, and then moving upstate to buy a place while still working in the city and going to grad school. Basically I was out of the dating game for a good 5 years up until a year and half ago when I started doing the online thing. Since then I have gone on a bunch of dates, with all sorts of fellas. Fallen really hard for two, who I had that insane chemistry with, but one was actually crazy and on a few psychiatric meds and the other not all of a catch in hindsight. But they both screwed me over and I walked away vowing I would never let myself be so naïve again. Mostly, though I am the one doing the rejecting (but always respectfully and kindly). Guys get caught up big time in the beginning, more so than women I believe. I think because I am not nervous when getting to know new men, and give off an easygoing vibe, guys feel comfortable talking to me and they take that as a connection. The thing is that its that way every guy I go on dates with. When I started talking to the guy I am seeing now, I had been in the groove of having fun with casual dating, and had gone on two dates in one day just the week before. So the new guy is super fast tracking our relationship. Even on the first date it was talk about “if we were together” when I knew he meant “now that we are together”. On the third date, a week later (last Sunday) he officially asked me to be his gf, and then did the whole facebook status thing which really freaked me out, but my perspective is that I am the weirdo with issues and this is how things are done. He’s been engaged twice (he broke it off both times, a 2 yr & 6 yr relationship), and my lack of relationships sort of makes me question how things should progress. I know it is going too fast though. For gods sake as I am writing this he called and during the conversation brought up that his mom was planning their family cruise next summer and asked if I would be able to get time off to go. Still, he calls me every day, I don’t have to worry about security or ambiguity, like does he like me or not, will he cheat on me etc. At least as far as I know. I seem sort of ridiculous to myself going along with his narrative about us, it has only been a 2 weeks since our first date. And I also know that he is probably just really lonely and the kind of guy who needs to have a gf to feel whole. Seriously, he hardly knows me, how can he be so sure of our future together? I guess my question is, what is wrong with me? I am not getting any younger, and I have a sweet, stable, attractive guy who is totally into me. In another post here on LS recently, something stuck with me, that a guy in his early 30’s with his sh*t together and eager to commit is the equivalent in the dating world to a 22 yr old hot chick, both at the pinnacle of desirability. Frickin unicorns or something. I am hoping he really has a personality that’s not completely boring and is just sort of too nervous to reveal it. Maybe if I engage him in more intellectual conversations or as we get to know each other more, or share day-to-day lives, I’ll begin to see him in a different light. Or is the one thing you should never settle for someone without a compatible personality and who makes you laugh? Maybe I am the funny, witty one in the relationship and he brings other things to the table? I have two game plans, either I should get back out there dating sooner than later, knowing full well that the chances of finding that person who I can have that banter with, who possesses even ONE of the good qualities of this guy are super slim. Or I stick it out for a few months and he either grows on me or I at least get to know how I deserve to be treated by a man and how to be a good gf. Thoughts? I don't want to be a Debbie Downer (or an armchair psychologist) but...I would be freaked out by both his fast-tracking the relationship AND by the two ENGAGEMENTS that he broke off in the past. I mean, two failed relationships in one's 20's is par for the course. But engagements? That's hardcore stuff (or should be anyway) and I'd question why HE chose to get engaged to two women and then break both engagements off. He may be a commitmentphobe (what a cliche term, but I think there is some merit to it.) Starts out hot and heavy and then gets cold feet when things get really serious, i.e. the M word gets brought out or some such. So while I don't believe in making hardcore judgments on people because of their past, I do believe there is some merit to acknowledging it and keeping it in the back of your mind. Go with the flow with this guy and see where it takes you, but try not to snowball at his crazy pace and just keep your expectations low for a little while.
edgygirl Posted December 20, 2012 Posted December 20, 2012 It's funny to read your post as I seem to go through the same thing. Either I connect with a guy emotionally, have the banter and all those things we love but the guy is broke and unstable, OR I get someone stable and doing well professionally who isn't affectionate, engaging or fun in the way I need a significant other to be. It's been really hard on me as I'm starting to think I have to chose between the two kind of people. Ugh. Can't we have it all, for gawd sake?
edgygirl Posted December 20, 2012 Posted December 20, 2012 He might also be one who usually engages in Fast Forwarding: After The Whirlwind Romance - When You're Fast Forwarded | Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue I don't want to be a Debbie Downer (or an armchair psychologist) but...I would be freaked out by both his fast-tracking the relationship AND by the two ENGAGEMENTS that he broke off in the past. I mean, two failed relationships in one's 20's is par for the course. But engagements? That's hardcore stuff (or should be anyway) and I'd question why HE chose to get engaged to two women and then break both engagements off. He may be a commitmentphobe (what a cliche term, but I think there is some merit to it.) Starts out hot and heavy and then gets cold feet when things get really serious, i.e. the M word gets brought out or some such. So while I don't believe in making hardcore judgments on people because of their past, I do believe there is some merit to acknowledging it and keeping it in the back of your mind. Go with the flow with this guy and see where it takes you, but try not to snowball at his crazy pace and just keep your expectations low for a little while. 1
Recommended Posts