seren Posted December 20, 2012 Posted December 20, 2012 I have posted many times how me and H are not only happily reconciled and are happy in our relationship. I thought it might be helpful for other BS who are trying to reconcile to know there is a turning point when you realise you are over the worse of the bumps in the road and are glad you both made the hard decision to try to rebuild your relationship. This weekend we put up our Christmas tree, it is a tradition of ours from before we married that as the fairy goes on the top we toast her with champagne and say the wishes we hope she grants. While it's all very tongue in cheek, it also used to give us the chance to drop huge hints to the other, mainly about Christmas presents. This year H raised his glass to the fairy and said that his biggest wish for this year and for all the years after D Day is that I can continue to love him and to forgive what he had done to us. he also said that he was glad she had granted his previous wishes, in that I still loved him and that our relationship was so good. He also said that he wished for our years ahead to be as good as they are and that life was good. I was touched and we talked about what we had done to change, we also said that we had both learned that we had both changed since D Day, that we valued each other and our marriage and relationship as we had come so close to losing us and it. Halleluiah to that. I sat thinking about when I felt we had turned the corner and while I am aware that we will never truly forget the A, there was a point where the A and the fallout stopped intruding upon our relationship. For me, it was after we moved to our remote spot where we see few people and live a far simpler life. H and I had always joked that we would be the old couple sat on a bench, holding hands ,watching the sun come down, the one's that make you go ah and wish for yourself that contentment. H had set up a table for two in our garden, complete with sparkly lights and champagne, he had bought us our own bench and had engraved a plaque that said - for Seren and Harri who loved this place and each other and who remembered to take time to love. I cried buckets and as we sat with my head on his shoulder I felt content and where I wanted to be. Of course we have arguments (who doesn't) and then bench has seen me sat cursing at times, but it is where he finds me and we remember. In the early days after D Day I so despaired of feeling like this, during some of our spectacular arguments it all got brought up, each and every time, then I realised that I was allowing the A to define who we were and what we had, also the potential to have if I could put the A in perspective and yes, I know that it never goes away. But for me, the crux was that I never, ever do something I am not happy to do, that I stayed was because I wanted our marriage and relationship to continue and I was dammed if I would allow the A to blight my life ahead. I could leave or stay and if I stayed I would need to accept it would always hurt, but that if I couldn't draw a line then it would never work. (if that makes any sense). So, for those who reconciled, when and was was the moment you gave a smile and thought, we are through the other side? Sorry for the long windiness Insomnia makes me ramble I want to add that we noticed that our 1940's fairy has lost an arm, I'll make a new one I say, no says H, leave her as she is, she's been through the War's (meaning had a rough time) and is a bit battered and frayed around the edges, but she is still beautiful, bit like us I suppose. 7
Lois Posted December 20, 2012 Posted December 20, 2012 I don't have a reconciliation story, sadly, but I loved reading yours. Bravo to you both for making it through to the other side. 1
ComingInHot Posted December 20, 2012 Posted December 20, 2012 Seren; Your story is truly a love story w/all the real life problems that can be overcome. Thank you! Our turning point was when when my husband grabbed me and held me in his arms saying my arms were home to him and how sorry he was that it took him getting lost in order to find his way home. I took one of those deep breaths and when I exhaled, it felt like all the junk left me in that one moment. Since then, we have been able to move forward as one The pain ebs and flows now and again but when it does my husband pulls me close and whispers his love to me.* 1
Spark1111 Posted December 20, 2012 Posted December 20, 2012 I wake up every morning to my H sitting in a chair, watching me as I sip the coffee he brings me every day, and I thank GOD we got to this point! He thanks me for still loving him and still being here. He is oh so grateful to have me in his life, and I wish it did not take an affair for him to come to this realization of what you had and almost lost because you did not value it enough. Today we make every effort to make each other feel valued. It IS a two-way street, always was, always will be. He reached that conclusion before I did, and like you, I refused to allow his affair to define our relationship, but it honestly took awhile to process the pain and my tantrumming inner child and resentful ego. I held onto two things for sanity. Before the affair, my brother and his wife said to both of us: You two are like two ends of a barbell, just inspiring how you come together to weather your storms....Yes, we did! We are a great team. And my son, who loves us both dearly: Mom, you HAVE TO KNOW, this had nothing to do with YOU. That was my initial blink, but it took 4 LONG years for my emotions to ride the roller coaster and finally return to that. 2
Author seren Posted December 21, 2012 Author Posted December 21, 2012 Still waiting after 25 years. I am so sorry to hear that Drifter, I don't think I could hold onto that hurt for all that time, it would wear me away. What stops you or she or both?
waterwoman Posted December 21, 2012 Posted December 21, 2012 I admire you all. So much. 6 m down and I seem to be getting worse. But H is still patient and still loving. We'll see. xx
drifter777 Posted December 21, 2012 Posted December 21, 2012 I am so sorry to hear that Drifter, I don't think I could hold onto that hurt for all that time, it would wear me away. What stops you or she or both? You make it sound like it's a choice to "hold on to the hurt" and I don't understand that thinking. What she did is unforgiveable. I've reached a point of acceptance with it and that's as far as it will go. It doesn't matter how sorry she is now, she can't take back what she did and the selfish, callus decisions she made back then. I have accepted that she was a cheating, disgusting slut for a short time, but she has proven that she is not that person anymore. I no longer judge who she is now by who she was then. We all have different life stories and the ability to forgive a betrayal of this magnitude is simply not possible for some people. They should divorce, but many don't for whatever reason. They find a way to live with it and, if their WS can earn it, at least reach the acceptance phase.
nofool4u Posted December 21, 2012 Posted December 21, 2012 Thats all fine and dandy, but the Elf on the Shelf is still going back to report to Santa and your H is getting coal in his stocking. Seriously though it depends on the person who was betrayed. Me for example. Could my x-wife had done a 180 and never ever think about cheating ever again? Perhaps. Even if she did, however, I still have the knowledge that she rode another man and liked it. Thats not something I was willing to live with no matter how much of an effort she put forward. I could have acted like nothing was wrong, but deep down there still would have been. Best wishes for OP and those that stayed and think things are great. Just to me, there will always be an imbalance and disturbance in the force in the form of a scar she would have left me with if I hadn't left her.
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