Caldespair Posted December 20, 2012 Posted December 20, 2012 Both late 40's, 20 plus year marriage, 2 great teenage girls, we both have good careers. Big fight (she hates my sister - long story) started by me, but now shes really messed up, mentioned suicide (some mental Illness and family issues in her upringing). My teenage girls say W crying, upset. Its been about 3 weeks since the fight. I went to counseling immediatley on my own (im a guy, needed to understand my feelings of loss). She joined me in one session with my therapist, and cried, feels lost. She is going to try to work on herself first, then we may try again. Im staying at the marriott, trying to figure out where this is going to go. She loves me, I love her, but the arguments issues (She wrote an e mail to my elderly parents, my sister, and my brother) and bitched about my sisters behavoir towards her in the last 20 years. I think I finally have a question- do i lay low, go NC, wait for her to get back to me, or, do I initiate seperation and divorce proceedings? 25% of my thoughts are to end this in a nice civil, professinal manor, the other 75% wants to stay in this, known, familar, loving relationship. I am holding up, stoic but feel very alone. Very little sleep, since and Ive lost 10 lbs (not all bad) Thanks for letting me vent, it does help to get this stuff out.
Mr. Lucky Posted December 20, 2012 Posted December 20, 2012 Im staying at the marriott, trying to figure out where this is going to go. How did you go from having a fight to staying at the Marriot? Something's missing in between... Mr. Lucky
Author Caldespair Posted December 20, 2012 Author Posted December 20, 2012 Lucky, to clarify events: My sister apparently withheld informing my w about a friends funeral service. Wife misses funeral, w calls and swears at my sister. Sister becomes so distraught, she cannot speak because she was so upset about being verbally attacked by my w. My elder parents, who depend on my sister for assistance (my mom has dementia), become upset, as they do not know why my sister cannot speak due to extreme sobbing. I see my parents upset about emotional state of my sister and I demand my wife apologize to my parents. She apologizes for getting them upset(w, and my parents have always been close and loving) Now w apologized, I come back home after being away for 6 hours or so. I am satisfied w her apology, now things can proceed between me and wife. Wife says she's so upset by my behavior , that I made her apologize under threat of leaving (I did overdue it with my strong demand to my wife) Wife says I don't want u at our home, thus I have been at Marriott for about 3 weeks. I then know this is serious, I go to therapy, she then joined me yesterday for a session. I known, what a maze, still a bit confusing. But we have had solid relationship, we respect and love(d) each other, we play golf, tennis, love our daughters. Probably leading to this was her job, which can be stressful over the last year and also the typical taking each other for granted. She is going to therapy for issues, before we can get back together.
Trimmer Posted December 20, 2012 Posted December 20, 2012 (edited) Wife says she's so upset by my behavior , that I made her apologize under threat of leaving (I did overdue it with my strong demand to my wife) ...we have had solid relationship, we respect and love(d) each other... I'm not taking sides as to right and wrong, but taking a look from your wife's perspective, what I see is this: at a moment when her world was shaking and unstable, and maybe even she, herself realized that she had made a mistake, no matter who was actually "at fault", you walked in the door and laid down your demands and with your threat to leave, you very clearly indicated that you were taking the side of your parents and sister over her. Can you imagine that? That may well have been a marriage-changing moment for her. If she had always thought it was you and her against the world, then this moment broke that fantasy. And further, your threat to leave meant that it will never be "you and her against the world" that way in the future again either, because what you told her was "this issue is more important to me than our marriage, and I was ready to give up our marriage before yielding." What the heck do you expect her to conclude from that? The threat of divorce is the nuclear option. It's an emotional bludgeon, and a bell you "can't unring." On one hand, to try to understand your state of mind in that moment, I want to ask you if you were really willing to go through with a divorce if she hadn't apologized, but on the other hand, it doesn't really matter to her whether you were bluffing, does it? You pointed the gun at her head - 99% of the emotional shock and trauma is already delivered at that point. Whether you "would have" pulled the trigger is kind of a secondary detail, isnt' it? You threatened to leave - what do you think she would conclude from that? Edited December 20, 2012 by Trimmer
Author Caldespair Posted December 20, 2012 Author Posted December 20, 2012 Trimmer, I agree with post above. I did over do it, took family sides, not my wifes. And I was wrong to utilize the "nuclear option". Would I have actually have gone through with it if she did not apologize, no. I don't want divorced. But, occasionally, in life we make mistakes, we are all human. I went to far, and my reason for my anger, her calling, balling out my sister (she may have deserved it), was the way it alarmed, distressed two very nice older people. Even my upset wife cares for them deeply. I wish I was perfect, I wish my w was perfect, and I would love world peace. But we/I have to deal with what is, and I take responsibility for it. I could have quietly discussed it with her, but I blew it. I would like a mulligan please and I hope she sees all the good, once her feelings of betrayal subside. Thanks for ur input
Trimmer Posted December 20, 2012 Posted December 20, 2012 Trimmer, I agree with post above. I did over do it, took family sides, not my wifes. And I was wrong to utilize the "nuclear option". Would I have actually have gone through with it if she did not apologize, no. I don't want divorced. But, occasionally, in life we make mistakes, we are all human. I went to far, and my reason for my anger, her calling, balling out my sister (she may have deserved it), was the way it alarmed, distressed two very nice older people. Even my upset wife cares for them deeply. I wish I was perfect, I wish my w was perfect, and I would love world peace. But we/I have to deal with what is, and I take responsibility for it. I could have quietly discussed it with her, but I blew it. I would like a mulligan please and I hope she sees all the good, once her feelings of betrayal subside. Thanks for ur input Understood; I don't want to beat on you any more than you are doing to yourself already. And I'm not claiming your wife is perfect, or taking her side either. I'm just trying to let you see that from her perspective, it's probably not about the specific details of the argument with your sister, or just exactly how bad it was or wasn't that she yelled at your sister, or whether or not she should have apologized, but the thing that rises ominously up over all of those details is that it must have shocked the heck out of her for you to bring out the threat of divorce as a way to get her to act. It probably totally tweaked her perspective on a lot of elements of your marriage, threw some things into question, and shook foundations that she may have trusted were secure. (That is, unless you guys have thrown around the "D-word" before during arguments, and you are somewhat desensitized and used to it by now.) Or, if there were some things that she may have been already questioning about your marriage, this may have bumped her into a more certain (but negative) state. 2
standtall Posted December 20, 2012 Posted December 20, 2012 Caldespair...a couple of things. 1. Never, ever leave the home. It will be portrayed as abandonment in the event you do divorce. 2. Acknowledge your mistake in putting your parents/sister in front of your wife. Your wife comes first always. Re state your commitment to her. 3. Give it time and keep going to therapy...and make sure your wife goes too. Yea, this was a biggie, but not a marriage killer. If you do this repeatedly, it will become a marriage killer though. Man, my wife and sister do not get along as well, and it is a frickin balancing act to keep my relatively small family from imploding. When the chips were down one time, I told my sister do not ever make me choose between you or my wife...I told her you will lose every time.
Author Caldespair Posted December 20, 2012 Author Posted December 20, 2012 Stand about leaving a home. I left, she said she needed time, I am paying for mortgage, medical, kids expensive college. Wife has 2 great $$ years-I make 1.5 what she does. How can leaving, be abandonment and what implications. It's been only 3 weeks and at her request . Thanks
UpwardForward Posted December 20, 2012 Posted December 20, 2012 Imo, your wife has allowed herself to feel threatened by your sister. This should have ended by now and your wife realizing their empty challenging relationship for what it is. I don't think you should have placed yourself in the middle. Your sister overreacting and sniveling to your parents (in upsetting them) is your sister's problem. Also, I don't think you should have ordered and threatened your wife to apologize. She has her own identity. This caused a rift and hurt.
Leaf9 Posted December 20, 2012 Posted December 20, 2012 Certainly continue the therapy and ask your wife to attend regularly. It sounds like you guys were pretty solid before this happened. As a previous poster said, this isn't a marriage killer. And you should go back home. 3 weeks is enough "space" for her and you need to be in your own home. I don't know much about the abandonment issue of one spouse leaving the home, but from reading posts on here it seems like it can affect divorce proceedings and what you get out of the deal - I wouldn't worry too much about that at this point because it doesn't seem like you guys are heading in that direction yet. I think it is time for you to go home and try to repair the damage. Tell your wife that your marriage is important to you and it's too difficult to work on it in a productive way when you are not even in the house you have shared for twenty years. If she insists that you stay gone then it is time to consult a lawyer about the damages of complying with that if you were to go through divorce proceedings. It sounds like money isn't an issue, so consult with a lawyer before making any long-term decisions. From what you have said, it seems like you just need to do some damage control and really explain to her how important your marriage is to you. From here forward, take a "no D-word" approach. If it comes to the point where a divorce is necessary, you should sit down and have rational and calm conversation about it (I know, easier said than done). Never, ever, ever, threaten a divorce during an argument.
Mr. Lucky Posted December 20, 2012 Posted December 20, 2012 but the thing that rises ominously up over all of those details is that it must have shocked the heck out of her for you to bring out the threat of divorce as a way to get her to act. Agree with this 100%. During MC, our therapist told us that once the "D" word is laid on the table, your relationship is different from that point. If either party actively views or expresses that divorce as an option, recovery and progress can be much more difficult. In other words, Caldespair be careful what you wish for (at least out loud) as it might come true ... Mr. Lucky 1
standtall Posted December 21, 2012 Posted December 21, 2012 How can leaving, be abandonment and what implications. It's been only 3 weeks and at her request . Thanks Because that is what attorneys do...they twist the truth to suit their clients. Move back in ASAP.
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