White Wedding Posted December 20, 2012 Posted December 20, 2012 Hi. I was a member of this forum a few years ago but can't remember my username, but I'm back. My girlfriend going on two years recently moved out and has been telling me that she loves me and doesn't want to let me go but her head says she should break up with me. I hope this is the right forum because we are still together. She's been blaming me for her behavior during the relationship and I posted on another forum today about how bad I felt and they said it really wasn't OK for her to say that. In fact, they said it was abusive for her to be blaming me for everything and that if she doesn't take responsibility for her actions and work to make sure they don't happen again she'll just repeat them. I haven't been the best of partners either, mind. I've been fighting for us but hearing that tonight just makes me think that it doesn't matter how much I change - if she blames me for everything she isn't going to change, and even if things get better we'll still fail. I think the right thing to do is to call her up, tell her I agree that it just isn't working and end it. But I can't pull the trigger. I don't want to let her go either. I love her. And in my last serious relationship the person treated me poorly, moved on 8 months later and with the next person got married and had kids and lived happily ever after. I don't want that to be us. I want to work on ourselves together so we can provide each other that happily ever after. But I want her to admit that it wasn't all my fault and for her to get help too. She won't do it. But I don't want to give up on her yet. Well that's my story, I'm here again three years later haha.
NavyAirTraffic Posted December 20, 2012 Posted December 20, 2012 I won't touch on her blaming you, seems like you received some really solid advice on that one. My girlfriend going on two years recently moved out and has been telling me that she loves me and doesn't want to let me go but her head says she should break up with me. This is enough reason to give up in my eyes. People don't just move out on a drop of a hat. This is a MAJOR red flag! But I can't pull the trigger. I don't want to let her go either. But she's already giving up on you. Think about how much strength it took her to tell you "I think I don't want to be with you". I better be 1000% sure before I utter those words to someone. I want her to admit that it wasn't all my fault and for her to get help too. She won't do it. I hope I'm wrong WW, I really do...
Author White Wedding Posted December 20, 2012 Author Posted December 20, 2012 (edited) She's given up already and it hurts a lot. She's so conflicted when I see her. She calls me sweetheart and baby. She'll kiss and hug me and tell me she'll always love me. She'll get upset if I seem like I'm giving up. I keep asking her if she doesn't feel like we should be together why is she with me? And she says she loves me and doesn't want to let me go and it would be easier if she knew I wanted to be friends afterwards (I don't.) because she feels like she has to either be with me or lose me entirely. She told me today I needed to move on and let go and I asked her why is she telling me this while she's still with me. She said she didn't know. She said that even though she feels like we should break up she's giving it time to see what happens, but really I feel like she's just trying to summon up the courage to leave me and that's what the "time" is for. She barely makes time to see me anymore, barely texts or calls. But says she can't stand the thought of not having me in her life and I'm her best friend. And when she does text she'll say something like "you're beautiful." Edited December 20, 2012 by White Wedding
NavyAirTraffic Posted December 20, 2012 Posted December 20, 2012 She barely makes time to see me anymore, barely texts or calls. But says she can't stand the thought of not having me in her life and I'm her best friend. There is a HUGE difference between what she says and what she does. What she does is what really matters. My theory: She's dangling this relationship in front of you, and at the same time using you while she grieves your loss. She's taking for herself something she won't give you, a gentle let down. When you help her get over you enough, she'll send you packing. I keep hearing her say "friend" over and over again. I don't date my friends, I don't have sex with my friends. When I met my friends I consciencely decided to move them to the friend category because I didn't want a relationship with them.
Author White Wedding Posted December 20, 2012 Author Posted December 20, 2012 (edited) As much as I don't want to admit it I think you're right. She's with me now because it's too hard for her to break up, but as more time goes by with us barely speaking she'll start to heal and that's probably when she'll do it. Maybe that's what she's doing now - she knows if she leaves me I won't want to be friends so she's getting used to not having me in her life. She's been telling me that she hasn't been in touch because she's been so busy. Then today she told that she spends most of her time during the day alone because no one's available. And she was texting while I was laying in her arms so I read it and the person was talking about how they'd been hanging out and how she'd called him on her way home from work. That's when she used to call me, but not anymore. Edited December 20, 2012 by White Wedding
NavyAirTraffic Posted December 20, 2012 Posted December 20, 2012 Ex left me, I went NC on my end but didn't follow it to the fullest extent (just like you), every time she contacted me I responded. Every week (last 3 weeks) she would say "I miss you", "I want to see you" yada f*ucking yada. The last time was monday, I've written this before but I'll share again. She called/texted/missed me/had to see me. She came over, we talked/hugged/slept together. 3 hours after leaving my house the next day I get a text "I'm sorry, I found what I am looking for. I should have never slept with you, I missed you. NO MORE!" You're headed down this same path. Don't allow him to do that to you. People here post from experience, I thought I was "different", no I was not. Listen to the advice that anything less than "I love you, I made the biggest mistake ever leaving you, I want you back" is all breadcrumbs, just stringing you along, and breadcrumbs also come in huge ginormous sizes. Don't be fooled. (This is a post I made Oct 20th) I don't want this to be you... The key point is, if they wanted to be with you they would be. There is no other logical reason otherwise. There is NOTHING stopping her from ending the madness and saying to you: "White, I've been a fool, I love you, I want to be with you and only you forever".
cavalier99 Posted December 20, 2012 Posted December 20, 2012 (edited) God i wish i could go back in time and redo my breakup. I was in your situation. I wish i had: break up with her and gone NC immediately and never looked back and saved my self-esteem. You shouldn't put up with this. Break up with her. I fantasise about this. You will to if you don't do it! Man up. Pull the trigger and leave her in the dust like she is planning with you. Edited December 20, 2012 by cavalier99
Samilia Posted December 20, 2012 Posted December 20, 2012 If you take out the "I love you" part of the story, she broke up with you. I am not sure why she's toying with you but I feel you should man up and end it. Right now you're waiting for her to move on, meet someone new, then you'll be writing some more here about how she let the relationship drag till you got the coup de grace and lost your pride in the process. I get that it's hard to let go but you know how these things work since you have been in the same situation before.
shadow15 Posted December 20, 2012 Posted December 20, 2012 Hate to say it, but bro its over. My ex did almost the exact same thing with me before we broke up, but I didn't take charge and endedlike I should have. I dragged it along and now I literally seen her today, I almost ate my heart, but guess what she's ok cause she already grieved and moved on. Keep your pride man, end it.
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