sunnybunny Posted December 20, 2012 Posted December 20, 2012 I've never posted here before, actually I've never spoken about the darker side of my relationship to anyone before. The whole thing sounds like a trashy, over-dramatic novel, and I'd much rather pretend everything is golden. I've been pretending everything is golden for a very long time, and I'm terrified to admit the truth. Almost seven years ago, I met a wonderful guy. I met him in a psychiatric hospital. I told you it was dramatic. I met this wonderful, beautiful guy, this sensitive, misunderstood, suicidal soul, who seemed to click with me on such a deep level. He was homeless and a substance abuser. I was severely depressed. I asked him if he'd like to come stay at my place when we got out, until he could sort something out. He accepted. We hit it off, we talked and laughed and fell in love. Then one night, he was drinking heavily, he always drank heavily, but I was so very messed up that I didn't see the danger of it. On this night, he beat the living hell out of me over nothing at all. A tiny, insignificant comment that I can't even remember. I don't want to go into details, it was very bad. I was a complete mess. The next day, as I scrubbed my blood out of the carpet, he woke up and with a shellshocked look, insisted he didn't remember a single thing about the night before. He apologized over and over, cried, talked about all his terrible experiences in life. I should have ended it then, but I was so very lonely, so very desperate for companionship, so determined that I could fix things for him, if I just loved him enough. I tried. It kept happening. Again, and again, until eventually I had to call the police. I was pregnant, a complete accident, I've no idea how. My sister had just died tragically of epilepsy. He went out one night, drank a holy ****load, came home and laid into me. He threatened to kill me, and tried. He threatened to kill himself, and tried. The police took him away, I had an abortion. And a little while after that, I forgave him. He moved back in. He made a million promises, and seemed to be trying to stick to them. Things were... not wonderful, but they were ok. He switched from booze to weed, he seemed more stable. Meanwhile, I became a complete basket case. I developed codependency issues of massive proportions. My weight dropped to just over 80lb. But it was ok, everything was ok because he wasn't drinking. So long as I could keep him from drinking, keep him safe from himself, I could protect us and our love. This guy that hurt me so very much, this amazing, artistic, gentle and kind man. This man that threatenes me with suicide, and screams abuse at me for hours for the crime of agreeing with him in the wrong tone of voice... I love him. This all sound ridiculous, I'm well aware of that. I know that any sane person would be running very fast in the opposite direction, and possibly getting a restraining order. But I'm not a sane person. I'm a broken, wounded mess, with no sense of self-preservation. If I just try harder, if I just do better, if I just give more... But I know it won't ever be enough. I have to leave him. I've never been more terrified of anything in my life. Not for myself particularly. Even after all of this, my biggest fear is 'what if he really kills himself?' Can I go on with that on my conscience for the rest of my life? How do I leave without destroying him and myself? Is there a gentle way to do this? He doesn't work, he has no local friends or family, no support system. Please don't tell me to kick his ass, or hit out with cruelty for what he's done. He's an addict, and I'm codependent, I'm not blameless (despite how it may sound here) and it isn't in me to be cruel. I already decided to wait until after the Christmas holidays, we have plans involving both our families, and in spite of everything, I love him very much. We are so painfully wrong for eachother, but I don't wish him harm. I've made my peace with our past, I'm in therapy. My therapist says there is no way to leave someone kindly, avoiding pain. Is she right?
NavyAirTraffic Posted December 20, 2012 Posted December 20, 2012 He's right, there is no way to avoid the pain. No matter how you do it he'll have to cope with the end of your relationship. It's like saying, "is there any way to hit the lethal injection button nicely enough where the person won't die?" Either way, he must deal with the finality. If possible, I'd get him re-admitted then break up with him. I know that sounds cruel, but I can't think of another way to get out of your situation and illevuate the thought that he might kill himself. At least he'd have some help. Good luck after the holidays, sounds like you'll need it. 1
geegirl Posted December 20, 2012 Posted December 20, 2012 Even after all of this, my biggest fear is 'what if he really kills himself?' Can I go on with that on my conscience for the rest of my life? How do I leave without destroying him and myself? Is there a gentle way to do this? He doesn't work, he has no local friends or family, no support system. Please don't tell me to kick his ass, or hit out with cruelty for what he's done. He's an addict, and I'm codependent, I'm not blameless (despite how it may sound here) and it isn't in me to be cruel. I already decided to wait until after the Christmas holidays, we have plans involving both our families, and in spite of everything, I love him very much. We are so painfully wrong for eachother, but I don't wish him harm. I've made my peace with our past, I'm in therapy. My therapist says there is no way to leave someone kindly, avoiding pain. Is she right? I'm sorry to hear your story. It hits home for me. My father had substance abuse issues. Ranging from sweet one moment to a raging bull the next. My mother and I suffered the brunt of his verbal and physical violence. My mother, now in her 60's has no sense of self and has to sometimes call me to help her make a simple decision as to how she needs to address a simple request to my father. She has no sense of happiness or contentment in her life. She lives her life for my father. I on the other hand, left home at 19 and struggled with co-dependency issues. Damage done. You are not accountable for saving his life. Will you be able to live with yourself, years from now, with the fact that you never lived your life but rather sacrificed for another because his existence was more important than yours? If his choice is to kill himself, then that is the value he places on his life. Do you value yours? My father would threaten suicide whenever she would try to leave, and she would always go back for fear of guilt if something happened. She felt responsible for him, mistaking her lack of value for her own life as kindness and empathy for my father. She regrets every single second of her daily existence. There is no turning back or redeeming what you've lost by staying. Living with that regret is unfathomable. As a co-dependent, your job is to fix others. Your job is to self-sacrifice. Keeping yourself in such a situation is you doing what you do best. If you want to make changes in your life, then you have to make the tough decision to reverse your patterns. Your traits won't fix him. It will only enable his choice to self-destruct. Leaving will not destroy you. It may devastate him to lose his crutch but you need to be your own cheerleader moving forward. You can suggest to him that he finds help or recruit a friend or family member to guide him. He has to make a conscious choice to change. His issues are so ingrained, you can't provide him with the resources and support he needs, because you yourself are broken and damaged. Two broken people clinging to each other. You don't fix each other, you only enable each other. There is no way to leave someone kindly, avoiding pain. Break-ups are painful. You either choose to save your life or sacrifice yours to save his.
Allumere Posted December 20, 2012 Posted December 20, 2012 (edited) It takes a hell of a lot of guts to tell that story which tells me there is more strength within you now than you realize. Obviously you know your story is not a unique one although I am sure as you have lived it you have felt surely no one else has gone through this hell. Without any doubt in my mind, it is time to leave. I can't challenge your feelings of love for this person..you feel what you feel. But I can tell you as the outsider looking in, if you continue this love it will kill you and I mean that in both emotional and physical sense. This man is broken and no amount of love will fix him. He has to fix himself. YOU CAN"T FIX HIM. THINGS WILL NOT GET BETTER. YOU CAN ONLY CONTROL YOU AND YOUR REACTION TO THINGS. I can only assume from what you have written that his depression is not managed and therefore his substance abuse has never ended. I don't know if he hasn't hit bottem yet or has other issues un-disclosed or not properly diagnosed but at this moment you must, must, must put yourself first. It is painful to watch someone that you have seen glimpses of potential in, be it as a mate or simply his natural talents, waste them. Most of us tend to want to guide them, help them, and fix them....cause when we don't we somehow see it as our failure. But there is a huge difference between helping someone that wants to be helped and helping someone that won't help themselves (which in the case of substance abusers/folks with unmanaged mental illness as that logic switch is broke). Re-read what you have written. You know there is nothing you can do. Keep telling yourself that because it is true. Do you want to be happy? Tell me, what are the things you dream of doing in your life? Seriously, what do you want out of this life? If you sit down and are really honest and take the time to love "you" it wont say anything about "do xyz so he isn't stressed/doesn't blow up". There is no painless way to do this...period. Even folks that have had heathy relationships and dissolved them amicably feel some pain. Based on what you have told us, I would simply leave BUT I would strongly recommend that you discuss this with your therapist or someone experienced with these situations (i.e., counselors for battered women) on approaches. There will be no reasonable conversation. He will not accept it and will either go the route of threatening to take his life, a thousand and one empty promises or will be violent. I understand your concern over what he'll do next but honestly you are not and nothing you do makes you responsible for his actions. Ending this will not destroy you, it will ultimately save you. Life is short and precious and it is up to you to make it the best life you can have. Edited December 20, 2012 by Allumere
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