edgygirl Posted December 19, 2012 Posted December 19, 2012 ...Or does it only beat our self confidence and makes us bitter and wanting out of the dating pool? I came across this wonderful post and a lot of my recent dating experiences flashed through my mind: (Highly recommended blog for women dealing with assclowns in their lives!) Revisisted: Blessings In Disguise – Be Thankful That They Didn’t Show Up and Other Things To Be Thankful For How do you try and evolve after bad dating experiences, relationships or disappointments in general and how does your thought process work to help you to have more pleasant and successful experiences in the future? I think I am a little unexcited about dating lately. I have this date in 2 hours and I don't think I ever been so unexcited to meet someone new (and it has nothing to do with this guy himself). Just trying to figure out how to learn from bad experiences and not get discouraged. How are you guys doing it out there?
c57dood Posted December 19, 2012 Posted December 19, 2012 I learned. When I was younger, I would date women not because I liked them, but more because I didn't want to be alone without female companionship. That lead to a lot of negative experiences. Yet, I'm thankful for these experiences. Now that I'm older and wiser, I'm able to differentiate better whether I genuinely like a woman or not. If a pretty girl has a terrible personality and is stuck up, she might as well be ugly on the outside too. That's something my younger self would overlook but not anymore. If a woman gives me attitude or disrespect on a date, date is over no second chances. It's her loss not mine.
Author edgygirl Posted December 19, 2012 Author Posted December 19, 2012 But how do we avoid that the negative experiences or perhaps not meeting someone who is right, to let us down so much and make us want to give up? It's just so frustrating, when you know you're finally ready to meet the right person. Have to get ready for my date (*sight*) but will be back to look at it later This guy seems SO nice and human, maybe he'll change my mind today haha.
MrCastle Posted December 19, 2012 Posted December 19, 2012 I'm compelled to use a sports reference as I often do when it comes to dating. It's amazing how much the two have in common. There are no moral victories. You can learn just as much from an ugly win as you can with a close loss. So there's no need to lose. I'd rather win ugly. To be more specific, no, I don't think so. Negative experiences don't help me. Maybe long term they do? Because you know what to look out for down the road? But short term definitely not.
dasein Posted December 19, 2012 Posted December 19, 2012 I have learned much from many, many dating and relationship mistakes made over the years, and avoiding the same mistakes has made me much happier than in the past.
SmileFace Posted December 19, 2012 Posted December 19, 2012 I say you could learn from bad experiences. However this depends person to person. Me personally - I live life with no regrets and continue on my own way and I am very self aware. Yes, I haven't had much bad experiences. However I am able to look at others - point being I don't think any one needs bad experiences but I do see how it can make some bitter and some more self aware. It is just person to person. I rather watch people, rethink and have great success but I will think each bad experience with stride because that is just how I am. I look at my bad experiences and realize I am the common issue and see how I can work on myself to have a better outcome.
Ami1uwant Posted December 19, 2012 Posted December 19, 2012 But how do we avoid that the negative experiences or perhaps not meeting someone who is right, to let us down so much and make us want to give up? It's just so frustrating, when you know you're finally ready to meet the right person. Here is the thing...you really dont know they are nuts until you date them.
ThaWholigan Posted December 19, 2012 Posted December 19, 2012 This is a potentially great thread I personally have a healthy level of "detachment" when dealing with bad experiences - in the sense that I feel them when they happen to me, of course, but I don't completely identify with them nor do I constantly believe that they will always happen and not good things. I have a reputation both offline and on here of being this super-optimistic, uber-positive person, which I am not but because I approach things with a relative level of enthusiasm compared to the vast majority of miserable gits I deal with regularly , I am seen that way. It is simply that I do not allow bad experiences to completely overshadow my psyche and my objective analysis of life, love and everything else. I can remember the way I stewed and felt like a dweeb with every girl I ever liked, ever since primary school (yes, I liked girls even then ). Then made fun of by those same girls occasionally because I was weird as f*ck . I can laugh about it now because I didn't dwell on those things. I can remember being told, upon approaching a girl, that I was "so ugly I needed to be taxed to leave my house" . I also never knew girls liked a guys shoes so much until I approached a girl who decided my shoes were not good enough for her to address me . Same bitch called me creepy too - as embarrassed as I was, I could only laugh in her face heartily. I remember when I was half-heartedly pursuing my crush for a while in 08, before she dangled the prospect of sex in front of me and then withdrew - or at the very least got upset because I didn't take the hint properly. She isn't talking to me right now - wonder why? I'm gonna bump into her again sooner or later - my cousin lives 1 minute away from her - that's gonna be awkward . Still - didn't let that stop me. Most of my bad experiences in dating were my fault though. My own ignorance caused me to miss so many opportunities - and I suspect that this is actually what happens to most guys who suck with women as opposed to NO women being interested in them. I had been approached by girls, openings by girls were also made and I never clocked. It's amazing how many signals girls give that men don't clock. Yeah, anyway, my bad experiences haven't stopped me from being enthusiastic or approaching new experiences with a hint of positivity and optimism. I still get very nervous, sometimes I'm downright sh*tting myself, but that nervousness kinda makes me excited nowadays. 1
Author edgygirl Posted December 19, 2012 Author Posted December 19, 2012 oh such great responses and I have to leave soon, ugh "/ I think I am referring more to dating - as in those 1-2 dates when go to meet new people and that can be so frustrating and end up being disappointing for various reasons. I don't regret my longer term relationships, they all helped me evolve as a human being and realize what I like and want in a relationship.
dasein Posted December 19, 2012 Posted December 19, 2012 Early dates have been lacking IME for several reasons, and as the man, I see it as my role to steer clear of mistakes that make early dates less fun. All the following come from mistakes I have made personally, but are just a starting point. 1. Heavy topics, including "feelings," "exes," bad past experiences, baggage, relationship parameters, expectations of a relationship, etc. to be avoided at all costs. Early dates are a "feelout time" between two strangers, and the best way to feel out is to see if the person one is with is capable of having fun, laughing, flirting, taking it easy as opposed to getting immediately heavy. Don't waste time with someone who can't relax and have a good time or end up suffering a tedious unpleasant relationship. 2. Too elaborate or time consuming dates, also too short or cursory dates. I hate coffee shops for dates, and think even early dates can be something more interesting, else why even leave the house? Early dates to a formal event, fancy dinner, concert, etc., too time consuming and heavy. Early dates for a 30 minute meet, too short and don't allow enough time. 2-3 hours is the happy medium IME. No matter how much fun a date is, unless both are seeking instant sex, it's best to cut them off earlier rather than later as opposed to first "hot" dates that turn into 2 day sleepovers. 3. Too much contact and windup before the first date, too much false intimacy. Try to get face to face after a very few initial contacts. More and unrealistic, unfounded expectations will inevitably form on one or both ends. High expectations together with no foundation of trust and real knowing leads to blowups that can't be fixed. 4. Early group dates. The first five or so dates should be one on one. Too much room for misunderstandings in group dates or group gatherings. Save the big meet the friends and family parties for a bit later. 5. Never assume someone is on the same page about anything until you know it through proactive asking. If someone has specific expectations, preferences, POV about whatever, it's on them as an adult to voice them, not whine later that they kept their mouth shut and didn't realize the other person felt differently. Enough for now. Handling the above has made my dating much happier and more fun.
somedude81 Posted December 19, 2012 Posted December 19, 2012 I'm finding it very difficult to learn from bad experiences. There are just so many ways to screw up with women and dating that trying to learn by trial-and-error is almost impossible. Also because of the stumbling around not knowing what the hell I'm doing, it's impossible to avoid making the same mistakes more than once. I fear there are thousands more things of "what no to do" that I'll have to go through before I actually find something that works. By that time I'll probably be just a bitter old man hating the world.
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