JamesM Posted December 19, 2012 Posted December 19, 2012 ...after an affair, how do you know that you can trust the once WS? Why do you believe that person now when your trust in him/her was shattered from the past affair(s)? He or she cheated and lied to you before. He or she was able to keep you guessing for months or years. And yet you have reconciled with him/her. What makes you think that he or she has changed? Do you think that in a year or two he or she could choose to cheat again? Are you secure in your marriage more now than before or less? I don't mean to pry nor am I writing a book. I certainly don't mean to make yourself second guess or cause you to be insecure about your marriage. And truly, I would feel awful if my question caused you pain. Simply curious.
eleanorrigby Posted December 19, 2012 Posted December 19, 2012 ...after an affair, how do you know that you can trust the once WS? Why do you believe that person now when your trust in him/her was shattered from the past affair(s)? He or she cheated and lied to you before. He or she was able to keep you guessing for months or years. And yet you have reconciled with him/her. What makes you think that he or she has changed? Do you think that in a year or two he or she could choose to cheat again? Are you secure in your marriage more now than before or less? I don't mean to pry nor am I writing a book. I certainly don't mean to make yourself second guess or cause you to be insecure about your marriage. And truly, I would feel awful if my question caused you pain. Simply curious. I don't believe I will ever have that sort of trust anymore for anyone. I think at this point he knows that to have any sort of affair would be a herculean effort in deception,(and I would catch him within a week tops) and I think (I hope) he's finally realized it's not worth it and that he and I work better when we concentrate on each other. I actually do feel more secure though, this is the most secure I've ever felt. We slogged through hell and back together and found out we still love each other. 1
buckeyeblue Posted December 19, 2012 Posted December 19, 2012 I have not reconciled but my MIL did after her H's second affair. When I talked to my MIL about my H's (her son's) affair, she told me that she "has forgiven, but not forgotten" even twenty years after d-day. They have a pretty good relationship and love each other, but she never did recover the deep love and trust that she had for him. There is a "hole" in their marriage that can never be repaired and she will occassionally feel a wave of sadness about the affair. All that being said, however, she does not regret reconciling and would consider herself to be happy in her marriage.
drifter777 Posted December 19, 2012 Posted December 19, 2012 For me my WW can never completely earn back the trust I had before she cheated. I am 90% sure she would not cheat today if she had the opportunity and that will never get to 100%. I think this is pretty typical. 4
Betrayed&Stayed Posted December 19, 2012 Posted December 19, 2012 My level of trust will never be the same as it was before D-day. That goes for for everyone, not just my wife. The key for me was the work we did to understand why she cheated in first place. Once I was satisfied with knowing the "Why", then I was able to up my trust level. She knows that she got a a rare second chance. She knows that if anything remotely inappropriate happens in the future, then we are divorced; no if's and's or but's. We are not the same persons that we were back then. When she had her affair she was mid-twenties and I was almost 30. I didn't find out about the A for another 8 years. By then we had another 8 years of life together and 2 young kids. Our maturity levels were much higher at this point. At this point we are both much more self-aware of who we are and the nuances of our marriage. I am now more attuned to her than prior to D-Day. If anything seems "off" then I am acutely aware of it and act on it. Same with her. Earlier in the marriage we were both naive and marriage seemed more liked glorified dating. Now after years of marriage counseling (and IC for both) we have a deeper understanding and appreciation for each other and what marriage means. Marriage takes work. We didn't fully grasp that in the beginning. I look at our 15 years marriage as two marriages. The first one died in 1999, I just didn't know it at the time. The second marriage began on D-Day in 2008. 4
Spark1111 Posted December 19, 2012 Posted December 19, 2012 By his actions towards me. I feel like I am his number one priority, cherished and respected. He changed many behaviors to prove to me he could be the man I deserved. But no, I will never trust him, or anyone for that matter, 100 percent, ever again. Not that blind, innocent, the sun rose and set on his shoulders kind of trust. I read once that number one reason not to cheat on a partner is that they may forever be tinged with a sadness you will feel every day. How true! 3
Owl Posted December 19, 2012 Posted December 19, 2012 Trust is initially earned and built up over time. Trust is REBUILD and RE-EARNED over time. Trust is rebuilt by demonstrating trustworthiness where it was absent before. By allowing the BS to "check up" on you, by being open and honest where you were evasive and dishonest before. Over time, trust can be rebuilt. Now, I'm also of the opinion that once someone has been cheated on...they NEVER trust that completely again. It doesn't matter if it's with my wife, or if I were to have divorced and begun a relationship with someone else, I've learned a painful yet valuable lesson. NO relationship is 100% magically protected against this happening. There's nothing special about me that could prevent it from happening to me again. That blind trust is forever gone. Now...I actually feel that I've got MORE trust in my wife not cheating on me again over it happening if I were to have gone with someone else. She learned a painful lesson too. She was also hurt by what happened, and she's learned from that experience as well. I think she's LESS likely to do this again over someone who's not been through that same painful learning curve. Hope this makes sense. 5
Decorative Posted December 19, 2012 Posted December 19, 2012 I will never trust 100% again. But what I have learned? Is that I never should have trusted 100% originally. It was naive. Trust but verify, and listen to yourself. 2
Rager50 Posted December 22, 2012 Posted December 22, 2012 ...after an affair, how do you know that you can trust the once WS? I only believe that there can be any trust because the incident seemed to shake him to his core as much as it shook me. He realized what he was capable of...he couldn't look down on anyone else as "weak," "stupid," etc. after the amazingly poor decisions he had made. There was no more denial - that simply wasn't possible any longer. Why do you believe that person now when your trust in him/her was shattered from the past affair(s)? I believe him after 12 months of monitoring and verification. I trust him because I have taken measures to ensure that he is trustworthy, not because of any special thing he has necessarily done. He or she cheated and lied to you before. He or she was able to keep you guessing for months or years. And yet you have reconciled with him/her. ONS - this may not really apply, in your opinion. My H had been lying to himself for a while, as much as to me, about certain things that were going on. He was the king of excuses. What makes you think that he or she has changed? Do you think that in a year or two he or she could choose to cheat again? I think that it is completely possible that he could cheat again. Some of the things I've learned from this experience is that you may never truly know another person...know what they're really capable of. I also know that I cannot control him; I can only control myself. He knows the consequences of his action. If there comes a day when those consequences, and his own moral code, do not deter him...then he may cheat. It's that simple. Are you secure in your marriage more now than before or less? Less. I protect myself more. I have an exit strategy. I don't mean to pry nor am I writing a book. I certainly don't mean to make yourself second guess or cause you to be insecure about your marriage. And truly, I would feel awful if my question caused you pain. What has caused me pain is the realization that THIS is our marriage, THIS is hour history, THIS is who/what he is, in many ways. I didn't know it before; now I can never forget it. 2
ComingInHot Posted December 23, 2012 Posted December 23, 2012 JamesM; This is my biggest downfall. I go into and out of thing ONE HUNDRED%! I can't NOT do something all the way, even when maybe I shouldn't. I love One Hundred %! I live One Hundred %! I trust One Hundred %. The most difficypult thing was NOT trusting him for two years ... Being in constant conflict that way was personal torture to me (let alone the stalking/harassing from OW). I think I finally "gave in" to my natural tendandcies as he has gone above and beyond ( if ther is such a thing) in proving he is where he wants to be. If there is a next time, I probably will be shocked again BUT my action will be ON HUNDRED % "SEE YA" never looking back. I wish I could learn a better balance but maybe that's what keeps me so passionate, I don't know. I should know, but I don't* 1
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