lovepugs86 Posted December 19, 2012 Posted December 19, 2012 I was with my ex for a year and a half and he broke up with me in September. The reasons we broke up were mainly because we were bickering a lot and I brought a lot of my insecurities and trust issues into our relationship and he became overwhelmed. We stayed in contact up until a week ago and even kept hanging out. We finally decided to cut things off completely. He always told me he didn't see us getting back together but over the last week I had a long convo with him about how I finally realize that I am ready to change the issues within myself and that with these issues being fixed, maybe our relationship has a chance. He was surprised and told me he sees us possibly getting back together again and that he hopes it ends up this way. The last night we hung out he told me he still wants space to re-evaluate things and to think about us and that he will contact me (call me) when he is ready to talk. He did say it's ok if we text every once in awhile. My problem is I am having a very hard time with this transition. I'm very depressed and angry and have been having a hard time dealing with everything. He told me that with space and with focusing on myself right now to work on my issues is basically the only chance we have at getting back together. We both love each other very much and we even had plans for marriage so I am sure he is the one for me. Does this sound like we have a pretty good chance at working things out and where do I go from here?
flitzanu Posted December 19, 2012 Posted December 19, 2012 I was with my ex for a year and a half and he broke up with me in September. The reasons we broke up were mainly because we were bickering a lot and I brought a lot of my insecurities and trust issues into our relationship and he became overwhelmed. We stayed in contact up until a week ago and even kept hanging out. We finally decided to cut things off completely. He always told me he didn't see us getting back together but over the last week I had a long convo with him about how I finally realize that I am ready to change the issues within myself and that with these issues being fixed, maybe our relationship has a chance. He was surprised and told me he sees us possibly getting back together again and that he hopes it ends up this way. The last night we hung out he told me he still wants space to re-evaluate things and to think about us and that he will contact me (call me) when he is ready to talk. He did say it's ok if we text every once in awhile. My problem is I am having a very hard time with this transition. I'm very depressed and angry and have been having a hard time dealing with everything. He told me that with space and with focusing on myself right now to work on my issues is basically the only chance we have at getting back together. We both love each other very much and we even had plans for marriage so I am sure he is the one for me. Does this sound like we have a pretty good chance at working things out and where do I go from here? your issues won't change within a week. he said he wants time to reevaluate his life. you're trying to pressure that time and force yourself into his life again under the terms that you are "going to change". that's not what he said. you two broke up, he wants to be broken up. you're not going to go anywhere if you keep talking and hanging out as if you're not broken up.
TaraMaiden Posted December 19, 2012 Posted December 19, 2012 We should have a stickied thread on this.... hang on, I'm going to find a couple of recent posts of mine on this very subject.... BRB..... 1
flitzanu Posted December 19, 2012 Posted December 19, 2012 We should have a stickied thread on this.... hang on, I'm going to find a couple of recent posts of mine on this very subject.... BRB..... haha, or maybe i should copy/paste save this exact answer so i can reply faster each time.
TaraMaiden Posted December 19, 2012 Posted December 19, 2012 haha, or maybe i should copy/paste save this exact answer so i can reply faster each time. I'm going to do just that - and put it with some other "lather, rinse repeat" comments I've made in the past!
Author lovepugs86 Posted December 19, 2012 Author Posted December 19, 2012 I just said that he told me there is a possibility that we will get back together and he hopes we end up together so why wouldn't we?? He's not the kind to lie and he keeps his word so when he says he will contact me he will..
TaraMaiden Posted December 19, 2012 Posted December 19, 2012 Have you read the links? Look, by telling you he wants a break, he's detaching himself from any firm commitment to you. A 'break' means you're both free to go out and about, date, explore the world at large, with no strings attached. He's given you no time-line (how long does he want this break to be - a month? 6 months? A year?) Has he actually suggested any boundaries, or conditions, or merely said "I'd like a break but we'll get back together...." How vague is that? And you're prepared to settle for that, are you? Seriously??
Author lovepugs86 Posted December 19, 2012 Author Posted December 19, 2012 I also feel as if as long as I'm working towards fixing my issues that's all that matters. I should get to be with the love of my life while I'm still working on things. I shouldn't have to change completely just to have a chance.
Author lovepugs86 Posted December 19, 2012 Author Posted December 19, 2012 Ok, I still don't think you are understanding. He told me he HOPES we end up together and he is taking space to think about things without having emotionally draining conversations every night and we are not dating other people or doing this to go out and be free. His words were: This is the only chance we have at getting back together with space and you focusing on yourself. In my opinion, it shouldn't take more than a month to figure things out. I'm doing a pretty damn good job at not contacting him and that alone should show him that I'm dead serious about us.
Author lovepugs86 Posted December 19, 2012 Author Posted December 19, 2012 Yes, his conditions for getting back together are space and me focusing on myself. Once he sees that those two are possible that's pretty much the deciding factor in his decision.
TaraMaiden Posted December 19, 2012 Posted December 19, 2012 Honey, he's left you in limbo, and is moving on. The only person on the planet you should be changing any aspect of yourself for, if you truly feel it needs changing - is you. never, ever change as a condition of someone else's wishes. That is completely unreasonable, because you effect a transformation in yourself for false pretences. You're doing it for an outside pay-off, and it's a form of emotional blackmail. Hey, go ahead and change if that's really a gift you want to give to yourself - but don't make efforts to change because you're bartering for a result. It won't work. Frankly, the guy has decided to distance himself. he has given you no FIXED assurance, and if coming back to you is conditional on you transforming yourself, to make him happy - no dice fellah, sorry. It's a front. "A person convinced 'against their will' is of the same opinion still". You might want to change - but if it's only a man-pleasing technique - then nothing changes except you getting your hopes up.
Author lovepugs86 Posted December 19, 2012 Author Posted December 19, 2012 Ok so what exactly am I supposed to do?? For 2 months he told me there was no possibility and now there is so if he truly didn't believe it, he wouldn't be leaving me waiting around. I don't want to wait around forever... Should I text him after a month goes by and tell him that we need to talk?
TaraMaiden Posted December 19, 2012 Posted December 19, 2012 Yes, his conditions for getting back together are space and me focusing on myself. Once he sees that those two are possible that's pretty much the deciding factor in his decision. Oh, I get it. I've been there. That man didn't see me for dust and didn't know what had hit him. I was put on 'emotional suspension until things improved' and let me tell you, he was left wondering what the hell happened..... This is me. I may have flaws, but if I deem them to be severe, I will judge them as being severe, and I will work on them at my own speed, if I want to. Nobody gets to tell me what to change about myself, and why, and threatens me with extreme action if I don't. Take a hike fellah - go find yourself a little puppet barbie doll, because I am what I am, and if you don't like it - your loss "honey-chile....." 2
TaraMaiden Posted December 19, 2012 Posted December 19, 2012 Ok so what exactly am I supposed to do?? For 2 months he told me there was no possibility and now there is so if he truly didn't believe it, he wouldn't be leaving me waiting around. I don't want to wait around forever... Should I text him after a month goes by and tell him that we need to talk? I personally suggest you contact him, and say the following: "Space is a pretty big space: How much do you need; from here to the moon, or the outer reaches of the galaxy? What I mean is, you've given me no parameters, no idea of a time-line. Ok, you have requested space, so space I will happily give you. I intend to cut off all and every contact with you, until the 1st of January. Please take this time to consider whether you want to explore being with me seriously, or whether this break is actually a break-up, because I can't cope with being left hanging in limbo. I love you, and I am completely committed to us. But I'm not prepared to hang around indefinitely waiting for you to decide one way or the other, and then find, distressingly, that you have decided it's not a happening thing. The 1st is soon enough to think about what we're going to do, but long enough away for you to be by yourself, and think about us, and where you want to go with it. Please contact me on the 1st of January, with whatever you decide. Us - or not us? I'm sorry if you might think I'm being unreasonable, but it's equally unreasonable to leave me wondering, guessing and missing you like mad - with the unthinkable prospect of losing you, and just not knowing. Thanks, *lovepugs86*"
Author lovepugs86 Posted December 19, 2012 Author Posted December 19, 2012 Ok, and what if he says, it's still too soon I haven't made a decision. I really would just like to know where his head is at in a month so I also have a chance to tell him that I'm not going to wait around forever. It shouldn't take that long to miss me, especially around this time of year. He either needs to take a chance on us if he loves me that much, or just give up completely. Even if we got back together, he would have to prove to me that he won't just leave me again when times get hard and this has been on my mind too.
TaraMaiden Posted December 19, 2012 Posted December 19, 2012 Ok, and what if he says, it's still too soon I haven't made a decision. Then that's the best indication you'll ever get of his heart not being in it. It's plenty of time for him to consider his ground. If he needs more time - he's playing with you and calling the shots. How long ARE you prepared to wait, by the way? In Limbo, with no clear-cut plan? I really would just like to know where his head is at in a month so I also have a chance to tell him that I'm not going to wait around forever. The note as I have written it (copied and pasted from the other thread I linked, and changed for your purposes) states quite clearly that you are not prepared to 'wait around for ever'. It shouldn't take that long to miss me, especially around this time of year. He either needs to take a chance on us if he loves me that much, or just give up completely. Even if we got back together, he would have to prove to me that he won't just leave me again when times get hard and this has been on my mind too. Ah but that would mean YOU putting HIM on the spot, and he will wriggle, because he wants to have the upper controlling hand, and be the one to lay down the rules. He already has, by making your changing conditional. So, you see, he is working things his way. I'd be interested to know his response to the note.
Author lovepugs86 Posted December 19, 2012 Author Posted December 19, 2012 This is just all too difficult. I truly believe he is the one for me and even he has clearly stated that we had a great relationship, he loves me more than anyone he has ever been with, and we had future plans together. This is why I'm having such a hard time... I've already committed to fighting like hell for our relationship and I wish he would do the same.
TaraMaiden Posted December 19, 2012 Posted December 19, 2012 This is just all too difficult. I truly believe he is the one for me and even he has clearly stated that we had a great relationship, he loves me more than anyone he has ever been with, and we had future plans together. This is why I'm having such a hard time... I've already committed to fighting like hell for our relationship and I wish he would do the same. It's not difficult at all. YTou can't love enough for two people. By putting the ball in his court, you take the weight of the responsibility for the success of the relationship OFF your shoulders - and on to his. He started this. He was the one who started moving the goalposts, making conditions and throwing a net of doubt over the whole thing. Now - give him the job of sorting his own mess out. All you need to do is hand over the reins - and await his response. On the 1st of January. Until then: be as good as your word, fall off his radar, and work on doing what really makes you happy for you, as an individual. Which is what you are, and always should be, even in a functional relationship.
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