HarvesterOfSorrow Posted August 14, 2004 Posted August 14, 2004 A little over a month ago, my boyfriend suddenly broke up with me. We didn't really talk until a few days ago because I told him previously that I needed time to get it straight in my mind that we were no longer together and it would be too hard for me to talk to him on a regular basis (we also work together, which makes it a little more difficult). But now we are taking a stab at being friends and I think it has really helped us both. But before I ask for some advice, it's important I tell a little bit about our relationship history. I started liking this guy about a year ago, but I knew he had a girlfriend so I didn't pursue anything. In the fall she went off to college and we started hanging out. I never really knew when they were together and when they weren't because they broke up several times because they were having difficulty with the long-distance relationship. We soon became really close, especially this past spring. We talked everyday and we both really liked each other. I even ended up spending the night at his house and doing pretty much everything except having sex. I asked him about his girlfriend and he said that he didn't know what was going to happen, but he felt like their relationship was coming to an end. So, without thinking about anything except how much I cared about this guy, I lost my virginity to him. The very next day, she called and broke up with him (which was a pure coincidence). About a week later we made it official we were dating. He had reassured me that he had realized their relationship was over months before and had already gotten over the entire thing. We dated for 3 months and everything was wonderful, although I always did have a doubt in the back of my mind that he still loved her. She came back from school in May, but nothing bad happened even though I expected it to. They were just friends and I was fine with that. In mid-July however, he broke up with me. He said he wasn't being true to himself because he *just* realized (4 or 5 days earlier) that he was still in love with his ex-girlfriend. But he continued to tell me that he wasn't going to get back together with her, he was just going to be alone to see what he really wanted. Which brings us back to where we are now. Last week he told me that he is still confused about what he wants. His ex-girlfriend has been dating other guys for some time now and I just saw her at the mall the other day holding hands with another guy. So I do believe him when he says he didn't break up with me just to date her again. He said he doesn't know if he did the right thing. He doesn't know if he didn't do the right thing either, but he doesn't know if he did the right thing. The major part was that he said he thinks he may be starting to regret breaking up with me. Sooo...I have no idea what to think. He never told me he loved me when we were together. Do you think he just needs more time to get over his previous relationship (they were together for a year and a half) and there's still a chance for us?
overseas2004 Posted August 16, 2004 Posted August 16, 2004 I think this guy is a bum because he toys with other peoples lives. POOR thing "he doesn't know if he did the right thing? What a line of crap. The right thing for you though is to totally ignore him and find someone else. I know that this is your first love and I am sure it hurts like hell. But the lesson to learn here is that somoene who really loves you does not leave because they may love someone else. The person you are destined to be with should be someone who loves you and only you. While I see that you are really young and that you dont have to be looking for marriage material now, I still think that you should avoid being with people who are sure to hurt and dissapoint you. Being with people like that can be a learning experience but it can also help to destroy your self esteem and wither away your strength. Dump him...
Author HarvesterOfSorrow Posted August 17, 2004 Author Posted August 17, 2004 Thanks for replying. I really appreciate hearing your advice. I guess I've known since he broke up with me that I should forget about him and move on with my life. But hearing it from someone else, who doesn't know me or my ex, helps a lot. I think I was doing pretty good with moving on with my life until he told me there was still a possibility for us to get back together. Him saying that to me took me back to square one. I'm frustrated because I've feel like I've gotten nowhere in the attempt to get over him. I thought that if we got back together I would be happy again. Which is funny, because I realize now that when we were together, I was never truly happy. Sure, we had a great time and made some wonderful memories, but there was always a doubt in the back of my mind that he wasn't giving me his all. I obsessed over the possibility that he was still in love with his ex-girlfriend. I'm glad that I won't have to deal with that paranoia anymore. He told me recently that he was confused with every aspect of his life. And I do understand he's been having a hard time. He wrecked his car last year, he's having financial trouble, and most importantly, he quit his job on Saturday. It's weird not seeing him at work anymore but I think it's for the best. While I understand all of that, I wish he would have seen me as a source of support in his life rather than another problem he had to rid himself of. Anyway, I guess I just need more time. I go back to college in a week so I'm sure that will help take my mind off of things. Thanks again for your reply.
Girlie Posted August 17, 2004 Posted August 17, 2004 Definitely move on with your life. Overseas is right. I understand confusion, being very indecisive myself. But definitely don't let him string you along. He made his decision. It may have very well been the wrong one...too bad. Can't take it back now. I know that probably sounds harsh, but I'm trying to think of things from your standpoint. What happened obviously hurt you, and I think it would be a good idea to keep your distance at least for a while and let yourself heal. It's not like he's going to snap out of his confusion tomorrow, and if he did, I would certainly be suspicious. Keep going for the time being and good luck to you!
Author HarvesterOfSorrow Posted August 18, 2004 Author Posted August 18, 2004 Thanks Girlie, you're right. I appreciate you being harsh, because that's exactly what I can't be. When we broke up, I wanted to yell and scream at him, but I couldn't. This situation is way too familiar to me because my very first serious relationship ever ended the exact same way this one did. I, of course, reacted the same way. I sat around and waited and waited for him to call me and realize he had made a mistake. Unfortunately for me, he did and we got back together. The two of us got back together and it lasted for a week before he broke up with me again! It didn't really prolong the hurt too much for me, I think it may have actually helped me to move on with my life a little faster. I spent a long time away from me and now I don't even want to see his face or talk to him at all. He still calls me and even comes to where I work, wanting to "talk" to me in hopes of getting me back. I know I'll never do it though. Looking back on that situation makes me optimistic that I will get over this breakup as well. I do hope it will be different because I'd love to stay friends with him when I'm over him romantically, but I guess I'll just have to wait and see what happens. The waiting game...the worst game there is. I just need to get rid of the old habits. I still get on AIM every night to see if he's on. That's probably my biggest struggle right now.
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