Boyfriend broke up with me because he felt "too comfortable" with me?

[Cam116]

My boyfriend of 5 years broke up with me last week. We met when I was 22, he was 23, and we had been living together for about 5 years now. Everything seemed to be going great in the relationship, we weren't controlling, we had our own interests, we were able to do things without one another.

 

I've talked to him a few times since the break up, just to try to understand more of what went wrong. He simply stated that as time went on, he wasn't sure that he still felt the same way about me. It was nothing that I did, rather he just felt that we were changing into two different people. He said he needs to be single for a while, and he feels that I should be too in order for us both to figure out what we want in life. He says he still cares about me immensely, and that he's always worrying about me. I'm glad he's being so open and honest, but I'm still having a hard time figuring out if he's confused, maybe a case of cold feet, or if feelings really can change on the fly.

 

Looking back, I've noticed that he had been more distant lately, and that he didn't seem to be making as much of an effort in the relationship as I was. I told myself the reason why he was acting the way that he was had something to do with the financial issues he had been having lately. I asked him last night if he was happy, and he paused and said he thinks deep down that this was the best decision for both of us, and he doesn't know if that will change, but that he is having a really hard time with it. I'm just curious if anyone has ever been in a similar situation, where a relationship ended because of lost feelings? And has anyone ever actually gone back to their ex after breaking up for this reason because they realized after time apart that they truly did love them?

 

I asked him last night point blank, again, if this had something to do with him wanting someone else (I called him when he was sleeping btw, and he answered.) He swore up and down that it had nothing to do with that, and told me over and over that he won't be dating anyone for a very long, long time. He said overall he just felt we were "too comfortable", and that he felt the relationship just ran its course. He said he didn't think it was a case of cold feet, because if it was he thought he would know by now. But could this be a case of cold feet? Or does he need to grow up? I'm so confused. I'm going to do the no contact for as long as I can, but it's going to be hard because we have to talk about the apartment situation at some point, he still hasn't even gotten all of his clothes out or anything besides his toiletries even though he has been by the apartment a few times in the past week. Just looking for some insight folks.

[flitzanu]

just means he outgrew the relationship and decided he wants to pursue other people. it's no reflection on you or nothing to do with you being a "bad person" just means he wants to try out new people.

 

at least, that's what i gather from it. sometimes people just don't want to be together anymore and want to move on.

[movingon12]

 

I've talked to him a few times since the break up, just to try to understand more of what went wrong. He simply stated that as time went on, he wasn't sure that he still felt the same way about me. It was nothing that I did, rather he just felt that we were changing into two different people. He said he needs to be single for a while, and he feels that I should be too in order for us both to figure out what we want in life. He says he still cares about me immensely, and that he's always worrying about me. I'm glad he's being so open and honest, but I'm still having a hard time figuring out if he's confused, maybe a case of cold feet, or if feelings really can change on the fly.

 

He told you the problem - forget about the being too comfortable part. He thinks you 2 are changing in different ways (you might not agree bit unfortunately that's irrelevant). Most people do change, a lot, in their 20s.

 

It wasn't 'on the fly' - he will have been feeling like something was wrong for a while - you said you'd noticed he'd been more distant.

 

 

...I'm just curious if anyone has ever been in a similar situation, where a relationship ended because of lost feelings? And has anyone ever actually gone back to their ex after breaking up for this reason because they realized after time apart that they truly did love them?

 

All relationships end because of lost feelings!

 

A few couples reconcile, yes. An even tinier number stay reconciled.

... But could this be a case of cold feet? Or does he need to grow up? I'm so confused. I'm going to do the no contact for as long as I can, but it's going to be hard because we have to clothes out or anything besides his toiletries even though he has been by the apartment a few times in the past week. Just looking for some insight folks.

 

He doesn't need to grow up. He is growing up. And so are you. But you're growing into different people. Go NC, get some friends to deliver his stuff to him and start to move on.

[Dazed_Confused1989]

This is a carbon-copy of the end of my relationship. Five amazing years and what ended in a seemingly sudden loss of feelings from her part. I've spent 2 of the last 3 months searching for answers, only to come to the conclusions above. You are not a bad person - you are a great person from what I gather! Unfortunately, your partner apparently needs to see what else is out there. The weight of the decision is huge, because it means giving someone up they've been with for the last 5 years. So, it is quite apparent that this is important to him.

 

Only he can decide if he wants to come back; unfortunately, by that time, you may have moved on. It is difficult for me to even think of regaining trust. My partner wanted to do explore at the cost of spending the rest of our lives together. If they do not want me, then I deserve someone who does and always will in challenging and uncertain times. I think you do as well.

[Axee]

Many long term steady relationships which begin when the couple is in their 20ies end this way... No one can foresee it, Some end in marriage,some break up... Probably shouldnt take a relationship this long without getting married...

[Cam116]

I really feel like he has GIGs. None of the reasons for the breakup made sense, and he kept contradicting himself. He also has commitment issues, so I'm sure that's playing a part. He said he had never been in a long committed relationship like this (neither had I), and didn't know how well he handles them. I'm not waiting around for him though, and honestly I've been feeling very positive about everything. Maybe I felt it coming deep down, because I had my doubts about the relationship along the way but just refused to confront them. I do love him, and I always will, and he will always love me. Guess it was just bad timing. Maybe we'll rekindle something in the future once we've grown a bit. Hope your situation pans out too, Dazed. Try to stay positive, it definitely helps:)

[Dazed_Confused1989]

I really feel like he has GIGs. None of the reasons for the breakup made sense, and he kept contradicting himself. He also has commitment issues, so I'm sure that's playing a part. He said he had never been in a long committed relationship like this (neither had I), and didn't know how well he handles them. I'm not waiting around for him though, and honestly I've been feeling very positive about everything. Maybe I felt it coming deep down, because I had my doubts about the relationship along the way but just refused to confront them. I do love him, and I always will, and he will always love me. Guess it was just bad timing. Maybe we'll rekindle something in the future once we've grown a bit. Hope your situation pans out too, Dazed. Try to stay positive, it definitely helps:)

 

Honestly, if my partner came back to me now I would not get back together. It's nothing to do with being spiteful or teaching life's hard lessons. She thinks her life may be much happier and exciting without me in it. The same goes for your partner. I know we are both young - but to be with someone for 5 years - you should have a good idea if you want to spend the rest of your life with that person. It's pretty clear what our partners' answers were.

 

You're not a second option. Move on, be strong and don't look back. It will take a lot of time, I'm at 3 months, but feeling better and better each day!

[Cam116]

We met up today to discuss the apartment situation, and to sign the 60 day notice that we would not be renewing the lease. He came in and we hugged, sat down and just chit chatted for a while. He asked me what I've been up to, and what I was doing tonight. He didn't really tell me anything new, I asked him if there was anything that I did to cause him to lose his feelings and he insisted it was nothing about me, that it sort of just happened and he's not sure why. I told him I think both of us got too comfortable, and we both were feeling sort of trapped in our current situation. He told me that he just started thinking about the future, about starting a family and whatnot, and wasn't sure that I wanted the same things. I told him that he should have brought these issues up a while ago, but he said he just wasn't ready to have that sort of conversation, and doesn't know if he will always be afraid of that conversation. I told him I think he has commitment issues (which he does), and he said he felt like I really wanted marriage, while he didn't because he doesn't believe in it. I've told him over and over again that I never cared if I ever get married, as long as I was in a happy relationship. He said that whenever a friend would get engaged and he would congratulate them, I would get upset. Like I was waiting for him to make that commitment, but the only reason I would get upset was because he was sending mixed signals. Why would he congratulate someone on engagement by saying things like "oh well it's about time you married that girl!" when he himself didn't believe in marriage? He didn't really have anything to say about that.

 

Anyhoo, we chatted for a while. It was very friendly and loving, I felt like we were just talking and laughing like our normal selves. As he was leaving, we hugged for a good 5 minutes and cried. I told him that I felt like I failed him, and he said I never failed him, if anything he failed me. I told him I'd miss him, and he said this isn't goodbye forever. He said he promised that we will be friends again in the future, when things calm down. He said he won't forget about me, that he still cares so much. All this through tears. I asked him if I could give him a kiss, we shared a few tear filled kisses. He walked towards the door, and I told him to keep in touch about his family (his grandmom is very sick) and he said of course he would. We hugged again, cried again, kissed again, and he said it will all be ok.

 

Really didn't learn anything new, or get new answers. I still feel like he's going through something, we have such a bond I just feel like it will all be ok, even if we don't get back together I really want to have him as a friend in my life. I feel at peace (even though I know the roller coaster emotions will keep coming back lol). I think I'm gonna be okay. Just wanted to share what happened. Oh and after he left, I got a Christmas card from his mom telling me that she loves me and she hopes we stay in touch because I mean so much to her. I sent her a text thanking her for everything, and told her I love her and would keep in touch. I dunno, I really feel peaceful. Just wanted to share.

[coffeebean201]

If you were my sister I would suggest going out on some dates sooner than you like, because you are a good catch.

 

And you can think through the details of the situation, while out having fun.

[Cam116]

I am a good catch! That's why I keep telling him he's making a mistake by letting me go! And I'm trying to go out as we speak, none of my damn friends are around so far lol

[flitzanu]

just a friendly tip.

 

"commitment issues" = "always waiting for something better"

[Cam116]

I really don't think in his case that rings true. His parents got divorced when he was 13, and that REALLY hit him hard at the time. He was also engaged at the ripe old age of 19 to some skank that slept with literally the entire neighborhood behind his back. Those experiences, plus watching 4 of his friends go through divorces over the years I think really made him afraid of marriage. I could be wrong, but he told me these things from the beginning of our relationship. Not necessarily that he was afraid of marriage, but that those experiences made him "anti-marriage". Which, again, I really don't care about being married if I'm in a good, loving relationship.

[flitzanu]

I really don't think in his case that rings true. His parents got divorced when he was 13, and that REALLY hit him hard at the time. He was also engaged at the ripe old age of 19 to some skank that slept with literally the entire neighborhood behind his back. Those experiences, plus watching 4 of his friends go through divorces over the years I think really made him afraid of marriage. I could be wrong, but he told me these things from the beginning of our relationship. Not necessarily that he was afraid of marriage, but that those experiences made him "anti-marriage". Which, again, I really don't care about being married if I'm in a good, loving relationship.

 

so if he is afraid of commitment and can't commit to you, AND he's afraid of marriage and won't marry you...what type of relationship would you actually have?

[Cam116]

^ And those are issues he needs to figure out. He said he has things he needs to work on himself, and can't do that while in a relationship. He said he thinks I have issues too that can't be worked on while in a relationship (insecurities), and I do think he's right about that. I'm not waiting for him and I made that very clear to him, and he told me that he wouldn't want me to wait for him because that's not fair to me. But I really think deep down, his commitment issues are the prime factor in all of this. Pulling away because he doesn't think he CAN take any next steps, and he might have this problem his whole life.